I don't want a divorce

[KitCat]

Yes - no more second guessing. Most of the time I'm wrong anyway. :-)

[KitCat]

So my marriage got into the state its in because I was neglectful wife. While I think I need 180's and GAL's I think I also need to be mindful that what I am doing doesn't come across as being more neglectful?

H comes home and I will greet with a friendly upbeat hello or goodmorning. If I even get a response at all it's "it is morning". But, I stay the course and don't react to whatever he throws back.

This am he wanted to chat. We chatted a lot and I worked on listening. He finally made it off to bed and I thought he was out - so I'm off working on other things. 40min later I hear him get up... next thing I know he has swept me off my feet to nail me in the sunroom.

We are having way more sex than before BD.

So I finally think I have him off to bed for good this time and continue about my day. I had to do some shopping for the week.

H should be sleeping but suddenly he is wide awake again 2hr before he has to get up. He comes out looking for me and sees that I picked up a bottle of his favorite pricey alcohol that he never splurges on for himself.

I know... I know... I know... NO GIFTS. UGH. He was pretty stoked about it and was texting his best army buddy what a treat his wife just gave him and to come on over! LOL.

So I'm wondering why he is up. He starts talking about another property he found with 12acres that he could hunt on and where its at. He mentioned the price and I said that could be doable. He was like "I wasn't sure what you would be interested in"... and suddenly he is pulling up several properties and I'm part of his future picture. I just listened to him and tried to give limited feedback. Its nice to hear him talk of me in the future tense.

He easily rambles to other ideas like he wants to retire in MO and that sounds more like he is thinking a solo act. I don't react. I just listen.

Later when he realizes how tired he is and how he is going to regret not getting those 2hr of sleep his eyes are partially closed and he chats about properties close to his work, the 5 acres, the trailer park and a run down house he might be able to flip. He says he is just burnt out. So many pros and cons. (Of this I know he referring to staying with me or getting a house closer to where he works.)

I kick myself because I just missed prime opportunity to VALIDATE. Instead I just quietly said I know my opinion and he took the bait and asked what it was. I just said we will spend more money running 2 households and have less to purchase future hunting property. He just said we aren't getting any money put back for hunting property. I said not so much now but it can be done. I didn't mention how though. I'm pretty sure if I mentioned selling my house and using the equity to fund hunting property it would have turned him off. I did drop it but I wish instead I would have just said ---- its got be really exhausting with all the going back and forth.

I'm relaxed. I'm cool. He is off to work and I am NOT texting. Which is good of me because the dryer just died and usually I would text for help or let him know what I was doing problem solving wise. I got all dirty taking the dryer apart looking for a solution and then had to haul all the wet laundry to the laundermat. I didn't contact at all - handled it all myself.

Tomorrow is another day and I'm sure he will be cold and distant when he gets home from work. It will not get me down. I will keep moving forward.

[KitCat]

I did great and did not text H after he left the house at 5pm. I did not call!!!

I didn't hear from him at all. I knew he was going to his parents house after work.

He finally texted me at 10am and asked if I figured out what was wrong with the dryer. I asked if he could call because it was to much to text. He said yes.

He sounded very short on the phone. Fine. I'm over it.

I simply explained the process of what I did with the dryer and its 2 weeks before repair guy can come out when I home to fix. I said I could not expect him to stay awake during the day waiting on someone to get it fixed sooner. I explained they will probably have to order parts and it will be another 2 week wait after that.

He was genuinely bummed for me.

I simply sounded perky and stated I went to the launder-mat yesterday and I will need to go again today. It could be worse. I will just have to do things differently for the next month until its fixed. I didn't let it get me down.

I then ended the conversation. YEAH ME!

Normally I would have asked how his parents are - but I didn't today. I just said I would talk to him later.

Its hard when you have a day like yesterday and he wants to connect followed by extreme distance today. I'm keeping my PMA and moving forward with baby steps.

[meg24]

So my marriage got into the state its in because I was neglectful wife. While I think I need 180's and GAL's I think I also need to be mindful that what I am doing doesn't come across as being more neglectful?

Don't be so hard on yourself. Your H may see it as neglect, but another man might see your past behavior differently.

This is kind of the same boat I'm in. I was worried that my H would see my current detachment as "more of the same", and in fact he kind of did. But I had to tell him the other night that he doesn't get it both ways. He can't expect me to be what he wants, while he doesn't want the MR.

Just do you. And remember, believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.

[SteveLW]

Kitcat, I have the same fear with GAL and 180ing. However, most of the DBing experts on this forum would point out that if you are worried about your husband's reacation to GAL and 180ing then you are doing it wrong. Those are for YOU, not for him. He can respond positively or negatively to the changes but that is okay. GAL and 180ing are about preparing you mentally and emotionally to move on if necessary. If they result in your husband becoming more interested in working on things then that is a side benefit.

At least from my understanding. GAL and 180ing are hard. And I am not sure I am ready for it yet.

[TBSakaJ9]

GAL and 180ing are hard. And I am not sure I am ready for it yet

This was my first simple 180 and it was real easy. I stopped pursuing and showed her I was not interested in anything she was doing. I never asked her questions about how she was doing, where she had been, how her weekend was, etc. I never made up excuses to contact her and kept it casual when I did.

Either she started to chase me again and her feelings came back or they didn't and nothing changed.

I had nothing to lose.

[meg24]

This was my first simple 180 and it was real easy. I stopped pursuing and showed her I was not interested in anything she was doing. I never asked her questions about how she was doing, where she had been, how her weekend was, etc. I never made up excuses to contact her and kept it casual when I did.

Either she started to chase me again and her feelings came back or they didn't and nothing changed.

I had nothing to lose.

These were my same thoughts exactly. I have nothing to lose. My H will either like me finding my own life (like he has told me to do so many times), or not. I have nothing to lose.

Neither do you kitcat. Your H has already checked out mentally. You have nothing to lose.

[SteveLW]

The problem is, to quote Boyz 2 Men, "Its so hard to say goodbye to yesterday."

[NicoleR]

Hi Kitcat, if you read my thread you'll see I have those same feelings of being a neglectful wife. It's so hard to realized what we've done wrong and not be given a chance to fix it or discover it's too late. It sounds like you've been very honest with yourself about your shortcomings and you've worked to address them once you were aware of them. I guess that's all you can do, right? As well as follow the DB guidelines. If your husband still won't give the marriage another chance then maybe it will take more time. Maybe it will require a year or more for your husband to see your changes and for him to figure out what he wants. To me it sounds like there's still a lot of hope for you and your husband. You're still living together, talking, and maintaining some sort of normal life. I hope you can feel the hope and have the confidence to know it can work out for you and your husband!

[KitCat]

Thanks for the confidence booster... it helps me keep my PMA!!!

We do seem to have some positive interactions but then he always retreats again the very next day. That's been hard but this time around I think I'm detaching a bit better and not letting it get a response out of me.

He was exhausted when I got him up for dinner. He didn't truly complain about dinner but did point out what was wrong with it. I'm sure in his mind he thinks he is just trying to help me out so the next time I cook venison its better? Sometimes I'm great with the venison and other times he says I overcook or undercook. It really is a crap shoot for me.

Because he is somber and not really looking at me rather than upbeat and at least saying thanks for making dinner, I always take it as a criticism. It really took me some time on my own to tell myself NOT to take it personally... he is tired... if he can't appreciate someone making him dinner completely his loss.

After dinner I started packing up wet laundry and hauling it to my car. I then stepped in and told him I would see him later... he said ok... then suddenly he added where are you going? I said laundermat and left. I left him alone to finish up before heading to work.

He texted me a couple of hours later to say he was only working Saturday so far.

I didn't reply. Don't need to. He already knows how I feel about him working himself silly. He will see I got and read the text message. There is nothing for me to do.

I'm done chasing... going to bed!!!




It was along quiet night but I did not return any texts.

H came home this morning while I was still in bed and he was doing dishes.

I get up and say good morning as pleasant as ever. I get some grumbled response. No worries. I keep doing my morning. Then he says see ya later. I asked where he was off to... ugh.. sorry knee jerk reaction. I know I must work on this!!! He said for oil change. Off he went.

He did come back before I left for work. I just ignored him. Then he starts tackling the dryer. Surprised he was even going to work on it cause I do have someone coming but not for 2 weeks. I left it go and left for work.

Then he is texting me a lot. Asked only 1 question so I only responded once. The rest I read and went on. They were nothing big but just telling me where he was and what he was up to.

Thank goodness work is crazy busy today. I am not even really thinking about H today.