What a nightmare of a person ex is. He just texted me that he does not agree to the temporary custody schedule HIS lawyer drafted.
He has spent the past week talking to the kids about all sorts of things we aren't supposed to discuss with them: the particulars of the schedule and he tells them they can stay with him anytime they want they just need to say the word. He has told them his opinions about proceedings because some of what they parrot back is exactly what he says. And he makes them middlemen saying "if the kids don't want to come here they need to tell me so themselves."
He just makes his own rules. And if I go try to enforce a custody schedule I know that unless he's happy with it he'll keep talking to the kids about all his opinions and biasing them.
S14 has said ex is now "fun." Where here ex never left his room now is he is out and all bubbles according to s14. Looks like he's shooting to be Disney Dad of the year. Meanwhile when s14 is here he shows up all droopy and sad looking. He looks like he lives in a dungeon or something. S14 has ups and downs but over there it sounds like they're all having the time of their lives. S12 parrots back a lot of what ex's opinions on how this custody arrangement is going.
When ex texted me that he was not signing the custody agreement, he called what his own lawyer drafted "nonsense." And he told me I should just text "him endless thank yous for the roof he continues to put over my head and all he does" for me. Then he wrote doing so would "allow my conscience to feel better that way. It's a karma thing." How odd they he talks about my conscience which is very, very clear. I just ignored it.
I just keep telling myself that I will get through this nightmare. I will have better days ahead of me. There will be a normalcy restored to my life. I have to believe these are the worst days of this.
I cannot believe I ever stood side by side with this person. He is so foreign to me.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I cannot believe I ever stood side by side with this person. He is so foreign to me.
Me too, HaWho. I feel duped. No, I'll take that back. It was my own doing as well. I saw some signs way back before we married that might have foretold what would eventually happen. I just swept that feeling under the rug hoping it was nothing.
Now I feel like I was a contestant on "Let's Make A Deal". You know, where you have a choice of 3 doors? So I picked my door (aka husband) and lo and behold my choice is revealed: A DONKEY! Oh lucky me,,,, (sigh,)
Doesn’t agree with what his own lawyer drafted, your H is one mixed up guy. His behaviour hasn’t changed much, still playing by his own rules, bullying, telling you what to do, etc...
I know this feels nightmarish, and I hope it is short lived. Stay strong HaWho, better days are coming. xoxo
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Oh HW, I hate what he is putting you and the boys through. You can do this, you have put up with HIS nonsense for years. It's time to pull out all the HW strength you have, and I pray it will get no worse and calmer days are ahead for you.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
Wow, I wonder what his attorney thinks. I often wondered what xw's had to think, then again who knows what they're being told. Mine told me she had never seen anything like xw's emails in all her years of practice.
his projection is still going strong. You're doing great ignoring it. I don't know what to say about him manipulating your boys. I'm sorry he is still so angry. I just wanted to suggest journaling things like him discussing things w/the kids he's not supposed to be if you're not already, just in case.
My kids are a lot younger but some of what you wrote is familiar. xw was taking them on trips, doing this, that and who knows what. This lasted for as long as she could do it and then it stopped. I'm thinking your h's place is more like your sons going to a teenage friend's house. They need a parent now and even though right now it is rough, you and the boys will get the payout of you being an awesome mom. Maybe s14 feels this way at his dad's too but can't let it out there.(?) Is it worse on switch off days? They are rough on everyone.
Some things to keep in mind: 1) The boys are likely enjoying finally having some of H's attention. Galling as it is to you, it's better for the boys than if he had abandoned them completely. Try to ignore the bullsh@t he feeds them and don't get drawn into a pissing match with him. Your boys were neglected by him for years and are liketgrateful for the attention.
2) In the long run your boys will know you were the parent who had their back.
3) Go ahead and be a little Disney mom yourself. No, not irresponsible, but think of fun inexpensive activities you can plan with them. Host sleepovers with their friends at your house. Take them on hikes. It's easy to get lost in the stress - stop to smell the roses.
4) Remember when they test you, it's because you're safe. They don't dare express their pain to H.
5) Dog training 101 - reward good behaviors, ignore the bad ones. Subtly reward H when he does something right, don't get sucked into arguments with him.
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Last edited by job; 02/16/1802:45 AM. Reason: edited a word
{{{{hugs}}}} Document document document dates times conversations medium source You may never need it but if you do, then you have it.
Consistency in your parenting will win the day.
You may want to get a separate phone for your personal use and not give the kids or stbxh that #. Why? So you can consolidate his misery into one place but not be stuck with it every time you get a call from someone. Better still just get it as a burner phone and see if all calls and texts from stbxh can be forwarded to the new #. Make sense?
Just some thoughts xoxoxo stay strong
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
As butterfly has stated....document, document and document some more. He's lost the plot completely and I would swear on a stack of bibles that your h is my xh's twin. The things he's saying and doing are the same and yes, right down to not agreeing w/what his lawyer has done. It won't be long and that lawyer will be history.
He's losing control and he's attempting to get it back by doing whatever he wants and saying whatever he wants. He wants to look like the greatest dad in the eyes of his sons. He's forgotten just how long he was in the dorm room and not being the greatest dad during those days. Trying to be a Disney Dad will get old...it just has to run its course.
He'll continue to project, but you've got to stand your ground and do not allow him to bully you into doing something you do not want to do.
Again, document everything. You just have no idea when you may need to pull that documentation out. Just remember...he's not the person you knew and loved...the pod person has come out to play and that means being selfish and sticking it to you any way that he can. Protect yourself any way that you can.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can understand his thinking on the visitations. My ex did the same. My ex's words: " No judge has the right to decide when I will see my children. "
In their mind, they are leaving me and you only yet can not take care of the children themselves but they want to be free to do so when they want to.
Teenager's thinking. Fun with no responsibilities, unaware of other' s lives but the life they want. He does not care about your children' s routine. School, activities, friends... immature behaviors..
Your husband will grow up but not for a long, long while. Sorry to say. I would bet he will NOT follow the agreement no matter what is on it.
BE THE ADULT HaWho. Stay focus on what is right. Your children need you way more then him. This to will show in time! Trust me!!
