It is exactly like that! Detachment is hard and I need to be kind to myself because I still want to be married. Has detachment helped you and how are spouses receptive to this change? I know that it is difficult at this juncture of the process seeing that my response is due to court this Friday. I am in knots!!!
It is exactly like that! Detachment is hard and I need to be kind to myself because I still want to be married. Has detachment helped you and how are spouses receptive to this change? I know that it is difficult at this juncture of the process seeing that my response is due to court this Friday. I am in knots!!!
Detachment can be hard when one first attempts to do so... So is quitting smoking... Eating healthy... Exercising... biting ones nails...
But only because of the poor habits that have been formed over such a long period of time...
Yes, being kind and patient is an important factor. But more than that, implementing new habits to replace the old is the key.
One of the first steps you need to take is to decide now, that you are not beginning the practice of detachment with the goal that a spouse or any other person is receptive.
This is not about them...it is about you. Curiously it is the same if one is trying to,
quit smoking eat healthy exercise nail biting
It is rare that one ever successfully creates new habits for another person. Why you may ask? Because as soon as the other person does not reciprocate...you will ultimately give up and quit.
The act and habit of healthy detachment is for your emotional and mental health. Not the benefit of impressing or getting someone else to be or do what you want. It is for you and only you.
My goal is not to hand out a 2X4, as I know the twisted knots that come on as the events of the legal proceedings approach...but taking the approach that "detachment' is the magic that will make it all go away is not beneficial in the scope of it all.
My goal is to encourage you to pause...breath...breath some more...and begin the acceptance that you have no control over the STBX. But... You have complete control over the thoughts that you will accept and the actions that you can take.
Be kind to yourself. Set a goal to try something small each day. Meditation Speak with a counselor, friend or someone you trust to let out the pressure of it all. Take a way out doors, start an activity that can remove your mind from the swirl of negative thoughts.
Seek support and comfort here.
The small things can and will move you forward. It will take work...but as the journey I have travelled, I can assure you can do it if you put in the work and take one small step...then another...
Be well and breath.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you so much for taking the time you took to reply. Yes I am nervous and this starts. My WAH talks to me more openly but I cannot see him in there anymore. I still long for that man that I used to know. These small things make it even more difficult to detach. I have begun to invest in myself and I can see some hope in ME here and there throughout the day. This has to be a positive sign right? In your process, did your WAW mention anything about your detachment process?
To be expected... What action can you take to calm the nerves?
Originally Posted By: winner
My WAH talks to me more openly but I cannot see him in there anymore. I still long for that man that I used to know.
Perhaps he speaks more openly because he no longer fears things that he feels led him to his decision... Perhaps you simply perceive he speaks more openly... I beleive an important rule that we learn in this neighborhood applies and is a salve needed for your healing and in taking those first steps toward the state of detachment...believe nothing he says and only half of what he does.
Perspective tweak for you to ponder... Attachment is a source of pain...
Is “longing” of a memory that may not be accurate a choice? Is the memory of the man you used to know a fantasized memory and desire? These are the unhealthy habits you will learn to replace if you choose the healthy approach to detaching.
Originally Posted By: winner
These small things make it even more difficult to detach. I have begun to invest in myself and I can see some hope in ME here and there throughout the day.
The poor choice of having a cupboard full of cookies and cake are small things that make healthy eating difficult. Continuing to evaluate if you “see him in there” and “longing” for a memory of a person in the past are most certainly the equivalent of a choice that you make...
How can you make choices to make this easier for yourself?
Hope is a powerful choice and ingredient for progress..and it requires action to for the recipe to result in desired outcome.
What action will you take?
Originally Posted By: winner
This has to be a positive sign right?
Are you referring to HOPE as the positive sign? Perhaps hope is simply the spark that can ignite the process...my journey has taught me that action is the core ingredient for all positive lasting outcomes...my 2 cents
Originally Posted By: winner
In your process, did your WAW mention anything about your detachment process?
Would my response to your question influence your resolve to do the work required to learn and practice the art of healthy detachment?
What are you truely aiming to accomplish for yourself? The answer to this question is where peace and strength can be attained.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
You are so great in self reflection. You are accurate in my possible false assumption of what is really there. I do think about what we learn here- to believe none of what they say and half of what they do. Right now, he is does not live here and is buying a house. He seems to have this false illusion that we are going to have this miraculous amicable divorce without emotion. I am not looking to be a jerk but I cannot be a doormat either. I like that you caught my seeking assurance with the detachment question posed to you! You are also accurate in that assessment. I am going with a friend on friday to turn in my response to the court. I am being cooperative and sent him an excel sheet with all of our financials on there so he can fill in his part.
I have to look back at our memories and be realistic about the events. It becomes difficult when you long for that connection to overlook at the realistic toxic relationship patterns. In all honesty, he has not been a great spouse. I am saying this because I was not perfect either. But the truth also is that we had a great friendship and fun in many other areas. 16 years tossed to the side is incredibly difficult to swallow and im devastated. I am upping my exercise game and my spiritual connection with God. But the hard part is the detachment of what our relationship was and his view of looking at all of it from a negative perspective.
Today has been gloomy. I went out to a friends house to get away from this space. My WAH called and wanted to talk about the excel sheet I sent regarding finances. I was courteous but really did not want to discuss it over the phone. He stated that he was taking our 3 D's out for Valentines tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be a hard one i wont pretend. And then I have 3 days after that to turn in my response to him serving me. I am utterly exhausted. I am drained. I am really trying to let him go but man it is a difficult process. I think about reconciliation and how great that would be but I know that I cannot have that when I still cannot detach. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare.
I need advice. Yesterday my WAH had the most productive conversation we have ever had IMHO. He dropped off our youngest D and brought over the excel sheet I sent him with financials. His hands were shaking as he was showing me his additions to the sheet. I had prayed all day about being in tune with the spirit and talk to him. I need help understanding if what I did was pursuing or not. Here is our convo:
Me: I know this is difficult to see all of our hard work broken down on a sheet of paper.
WAH: This has not been easy for me either
Me: You know David I am meeting you were you are. You are asking for a D and I am giving that to you. Although we may disagree on this decision, I am giving you what you are asking for .
WAH: I hope you dont think that I am being malicious but I do not want this. But I believe that this is what WE need
Me: I am going to ask that you use I statements because honestly this is a unilateral decision. I have realized that I do not need you but I love you. Those are 2 different things. Yes it will not be easy but I have to look at our relationship and identify the codependency. I DONT NEED YOU BUT I LOVE YOU. There is a difference.
WAH: (He looks shocked and just nodded and put his head down)
Me: If this is the journey that our marriage needs to take then it is.
WAH: You have never begged for me to stay or groveled and I have appreciated that. I promise that if I ever feel like we can reconcile you will be the first to know whether it is during this process or after.
Me: I am not asking for reconciliation I am asking for both of us to clean up our sides of the street. I DO NOT WANT our old marriage because there was too much toxicity. But I will give you what you are asking for.
WAH: (Remains silent and sad). I may regret it and I know that...
ME: Yes you may and we will see what that looks like but that is a risk YOU are taking.
He then left. I felt so strengthened and strong. It was a mature conversation where I could be vulnerable but not desperate.
It sounds like it went well enough. Just try to keep in mind that you can't guilt him back. I sense maybe a little of that in the convo, like you were trying to make him feel bad and thought maybe that might soften his position. Here's the thing, he DOES feel bad. He feels terrible. But he feels JUSTIFIED. He thinks he's doing the right thing. He only feels bad because he knows it's hurting you, not because he feels it's the wrong course of action. So hang in there, be patient and try not to pressure him into further R talks.
Correct!! I was trying not to use guilt hence asking for opinions because often times in the situation your intentions are good but it still seeps through. I know he feels terrible but he feel hopeless hence the D. I felt safe in stating that I do not need him and that I would be okay because at the end of the day I WILL be and no one should need anyone. They should Love them. This is incredibly difficult.
I need to vent!!! I want to say damn it all to hell and punch him in the face. Today he called nonstop about signing over a disclaimer claim for a house he wants to buy. No. 1 that is not my problem that you want to buy a house at this time as the our Ds can be fine in an apartment. I wont sign off until he signs off on our marital home. He was acting very nice because its all manipulation. I told him not to ask me anymore if I trust him because he is choosing to D me and so those two words should not be in the same sentence.
I f'in hate him and love him!!! I do not see any other way but to involve a mediator with finances because I feel like I am going to get screwed over. The hard part is holding your ground and self respect along with trying to DB and show them the best sides of you.
Today I really just want Jesus to take him home!!!! Tomorrow I go to court to turn in my response to the divorce papers HELP
