That's so interesting about the long term anger issues Job. A friend of mine D'd a number of years ago. Her XH lost a pile of weight, changed his job, went to work abroad, met a much younger woman, said he wanted a D and they D'd. He was planning on starting a new family with this woman 20 years his junior.
My friend told me about an exchange she and he had recently, where he raged at her for a good while about how badly he felt he had been treated by her family when they were married. She was pretty astonished at his behaviour and the ferocity of his anger - and they have been D'd for 5+ years now and have little contact. He was someone who got the life he wanted for himself - yet still seems to struggle with unresolved anger years later. I had also heard that he was off work and being treated for depression at one point.
The thing to aim for is certainly to be at peace with your part in the process. To have peace in your heart and to let go of the issues associated with your marriage and its ending. To forgive yourself and your spouse. All of this takes a good while and is a work in progress for many of us - but to be on that path and have in mind that aim - is so important.
The alternative is to be the intensely angry spouse, still ruminating about injustices years and years later - not what we want for ourselves at all...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes Gordie, the comment by the DB coach was echoed by my IC. It's an absolutely bizarre letter. Neither the DB coach nor my seasoned therapist have ever seen anything like it. IC said it's plain abusive.
Bttrfly - yes, I am seeing an IC. And she is helping me a lot, mostly processing all the craziness I lived through these last few years. Thanks for your great post; you always offer many pearls.
Job and KML - thanks for reminding me about anger and depression. My IC said the same about male depression. The anger is just palpable. He just wants to fight 24/7. Recently I emailed him letting him know I shaved the dog down this time but we should alternate and he can take the next grooming. His response? That the way I shave the dog down is abusive! And maybe I should give him full custody. I have always shaved the dog down and he never cried foul before this. Umm, if he suddenly feels so strongly about this then we can have him professionally groomed and just split the cost.
He wants every to be a smack down, drag out fight.
Sotto - I actually am at peace with my part. I did the best I could. Each day I breathe a little easier. I am starting to dream a different life. It's nothing drastically different from what I live today. But, I see a calm restored to my life and a sense of normalcy. I am going to re-build a beautiful life for myself.
Something went very wrong with him. But it's not mine to fix. I am at peace with the fact that I will have my family and he will have his family. I do not wish him ill will. Actually, I feel sorry for him. I have a lot of support. His family is MIA as usual. His mother sent a text to s14 saying call me if you need to talk. Ouch. S14 never opened it.
I see him angry and trying to control 24/7. He did seem to have ideas of how this would all go. I wouldn't get a lawyer. I would just agree to all his terms. My family would have his back.
The more I see him rage and control, the happier I am to be away from him. He's just as raw as he was post BD 2. It's such wasted effort. I can't even go there.
As Job said, like her ex, my ex his plan is in place: new place, new life, freedom and he's away from me. There should be a release from the anger, no? Even a temporary one, right? He seems even angrier than when he was home with me!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I'm sorry you're dealing w/this but you sound good. What you write reminds me so much of xw when she moved out. When she first moved out it seemed she was more angry than while at home. This went on for months. Anything I said/wrote to her was twisted sometimes to the point of very little or even no truth. Especially when talking with her attorney. I'm not sure what stopped her anger, breakup w/om, me getting recommended custody, or son's health scare because all that happened w/in a couple weeks but that is when she finally stopped spewing her hatred towards me. You're handling his madness very well. Hopefully his anger will burn out soon since you aren't letting him pull any strings.
I hope you're finding the peace and sanity that you deserve.
One last thing. Shouldn't he be on an OW high by now? I am serious. If he has someone she's not doing the job. I hope he finds a replacement soon so that I get a reprieve. Is it inappropriate for me to email him profiles off Match?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Don't think for one minute about the "high" of the ow. My xh was heavily involved in the affair once he left and yet, he had such anger and resentment towards me. They can compartmentalize quite well and when they are w/that person, you, the left behind spouse, will be put in a separate space and when he's ready to deal w/you again, out you come from that separate space and the ow goes into her own little separate space.
I know this sounds crazy, but that is the way my xh acted and still does today.
Once the divorce is completed, he will probably have a euphoric high about being free for about 6 months and then that high will fizzle out.
No, you don't want to send him profiles from dating sites (LOL)...what you want is a one way ticket for him to a an island that you can only get to by helicopter. He's toxic right now and you don't want to poke at this particularly bear.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If ow is not around, he is kind and friendly and soft spoken. When ow is present, he talks angry and abusive. My space/ her space.
Nothing of his life with her is shared with me. When my children are around them without me around, ex-h knit pick at ow constantly. He beleive we are oblivious and unaware of his behavior.
He manipulates to control. Unfortunately for him, his control lessen as the children get older. And yes, he is angry eventho he has the life of freedom he worked so hard to get. And yes, I am still the reason he is so miserable.
My mlcer has not done the work.. 9 yrs since bd.
Set your boundaries and keep communication in writing. Save them just incase he tries blackmailing you. Just to be safe.
It will be calmer eventually.. hang in there..
Last edited by job; 02/13/1801:44 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Is it inappropriate for me to email him profiles off Match?
Hahaha - I'm actually grateful that my ex found the girl who became his second wife within a year of splitting. She's not the OW so that's nice. And it's kept his attention largely on her, which is good for me. He's an extrovert and despite all his MLC desires to get out and date and see what he'd been missing out on by marrying young, he hated living alone and hooked back up really quickly. And at least my adult kids weren't subjected to a stream of girlfriends.
