.....and ever and ever and ever

[Cadet]

As for that immediate attraction, " one of a kind" relationship - how's that been workin' for you? Yes, it's important to feel attraction for your partner. BUT - some people with broken pickers feel that "immediate attraction" for people who are all wrong for them, or who will be guaranteed to recreate past wounds and abandonment. Some people gravitate unconsciously toward that. So you should give any guy who's not an immediate "no way" a second date and a chance to get to know them better before you decide.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ YES ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[Dawn70]

I don't know that you will get blasted for going on another date. In fact, I think most people would be supportive of that idea. Though you didn't experience an immediate attraction, you conversely, did not experience an immediate revulsion. OLD is different in that you literally do NOT know who you are getting until that actual face to face meeting. Sure, you have a good idea of who the person is who is going to show up, but that "image" is based not only on what that person has told you about themselves, but also on some assumptions that you make about personality traits, likes/dislikes, demeanor, etc. I guess I'm just saying that no matter how much we'd like to think we know someone through conversation (texting, messaging, phone calls), we don't ACTUALLY know someone until we can look them in the face and have a REAL conversation in person. So, I think far more people on here would say a second date is absolutely a great idea, just to make SURE before you write this guy off. I'm not sure what you found on his FB that gave you pause and I'm not saying you shouldn't trust your gut, just saying to be open-minded and see what happens. I don't want to hijack your post and make something about me, but I can say that normally, I would've written truck guy off based on his profile and some of our initial conversations. He's a very nice guy, but in many ways, we are very different people. But, because we "met" in an OLD situation, I decided to give him a chance and I'm SO glad I did because he truly is a super nice guy. So, you just never know.............good luck with it, whatever you decide to do and whatever happens. The main thing you need to remember is you are NOT messed up. You are an awesome person who will find your awesome partner when the time is right. (Yeah, yeah, I HATE when people say that to me too. It is so cliché, but I think it is probably a lot truer than any of us really want to believe.)

[ciluzen]

Hey Ginger,

I think this is the first time I've replied to your posts, so "hi"! Go ahead and get to know the guy better with another date.

I just started OLD in August and was feeling very...powerful? I think that's the word I would use, but also disappointed. I would get giddy with excitement about the possibilities and then end up comparing them to the attractive traits of XH (not so much the bad ones). I like a strong, confident guy that can hold their own with me and I kept smelling weakness under their confident presentation. Thank my over-analyzation of XH for that. So I took a break and set some boundaries ON MY PROFILE. Instead of scaring people off, I attracted a braver, more self-assured group of guys (I seriously thought I'd shot myself in the foot, at first). And after a week of conversation with one, I met him. He seemed great, but no butterflies or love at first sight. There was nothing wrong with him; he was even much better looking than his photos. I think we've all got a few scars on our hearts, so since there were no major red flags, I went on that second date. Again, he was fun to be with and interesting and I had a nice time (awkward attempt to kiss me when I wasn't expecting it not withstanding). But I got to know him better and still am not repulsed, although not feeling butterflies either. I'm remembering my comfort with XH; but I'm also realizing that its part of his job (career) to make people immediately at ease. Sometimes you just need to give someone a longer chance to grow on you and get past those scars, even if they seem to be ahead of you in the attraction (to you) department.

And...its hard not to compare someone to the ideal created by our memories of what was good in other relationships. We just have to remember that those Rs didn't make it. Maybe its time, as MWD says in trying to save our old relationships, to do a 180. Give a different tactic a try.

[Ginger1]

Thank you all for the feedback and for reposting my post, JOb.

I've been thinking about it and I do believe I should give it another try. We have a date next Sunday. He's planned it out and asked me if it is OK if he picks me up and I said it was fine. He's a nice guy. He told me about his 7 year relationship where he never popped the question and got very complacent, which was the end for his live-in GF. He says he makes big notes never to get complacent again and take note of little details. I saw my patients this weekend and brought my chocolate lover 2 chocolate cookies and he asked me how he liked the cookies. I told him, he was a man after my own heart because we both love chocolate. He said "definitely noted. In the past I would have missed that, but you should be expecting chocolates in the future." I believe he really just wants SOMETHING to work out. He is eager. I wish he would have waited to kiss me. But maybe it will get better, who knows. I won't know unless I gave it a chance.

I was shaken by my unconscious reaction with the tears. It wasn't that the sparks weren't flying all over the place, I just don't know why it triggered tears.

I went to lunch with my cousin the next day and she asked me if I was comparing him to my other guys. I said no, I am comparing myself to the way I,MYSELF FELT with these other guys.

As far as why I looked on FB? Because I run as close as I can to an FBI check to these guys, lol. A FB page could say a lot. When you have had a guy convicted of being a sexual predator of sorts ask you out, and you have had an encounter for someone who is on trial for rape (not OLD, but still) You check these guys out! I've got a kid! So, on FB he made posts a lot about looking for HOT chicks and even in person told a story and referenced how "hot" a woman is. I am no feminist, and I am certainly no prude, but it turned me off. He also had a rant on FB about how he was sick of paying for dinners on online dates and he will only leave it drinks or he thinks the woman should be paying half, which I get, because I am sure it gets pricey for these guys. It was his attitude towards it. And he also had some rant on FB about people being late. I arrived at 8:03 and he said "for someone who lives very close, how can you be late?" He said it was a joke, but I know it wasn't.

Don, to speak to what woman might thinking/saying about you after a first date, well, they aren't all going to like the way you kiss or do certain things, and others may love the way you kiss or be totally comfortable with your interactions. I am sure there are guys I have kissed, but didn't like it. We aren't going to be liked by all and what one person adores about you, might drive another person crazy.

So, in a nutshell, everyone of you are right (and hello Ciluzen!). I think if he would have held off on the kiss, I might have not had that reaction. So, on a date we go next sunday. We are going bowling, for drinks, then an early dinner. We shall see how it goes.

Believe it or not, the longer you are alone (been a darn long time for me) the pickier you get, not more desperate. And yes, I am afraid of actually going too long single, because I may need Mr. Perfect to come along to be willing to share my life.

[Sotto]

Hi Ginger, those FB postings are a real red flag I think. If I'm potentially interested in a guy, I like to become his FB friend and I normally have a look at postings going back as it is a good indicator of where someone is at over a goodly period of time. I post very little on my own FB page, and so I am not an open book in the same way.

But a guy who is talking about hot chicks and complaining about buying dinner for someone - not someone I would want to spend time with at all...

JMHO of course, but I have certainly learned some useful things on FB - from anti-Muslim sentiments, to boasting about intimate relations with past GF's, to jibes about mobility scooter users. All illuminating and I head in the other direction if there is some questionable stuff - it has become one of my basic tests...

Hope this helps anyway :-)

[DonH]

Believe it or not, the longer you are alone (been a darn long time for me) the pickier you get, not more desperate. And yes, I am afraid of actually going too long single, because I may need Mr. Perfect to come along to be willing to share my life.

Truer words have not been spoken. For someone like me who is slow to adapt to change, it's even worse. I can remember after BD, the first time I went grocery shopping by myself was traumatizing. Now having lived by myself for 12 years, wow it would be such a change to even live with someone. I've always been picky - all my life - but even more so now.

Whether to kiss someone on the first date. That can be such a difficult read. The Millionaire Matchmaker from TV says that there should be a kiss on every good first date. She claims that's one of the ways to tell if there is anything there. Hmmmmm is that what happened here? And if you were more into him, and he didn't kiss you, would you now be saying you wished he would have and questioning his level of interest? I'm actually curious why you wished he didn't. Or was it due to your reaction?

Note to everyone else here, see the level of impact pursuit has? Ginger has mentioned several times already that he is trying too hard and wants an R too much. Ginger really does not have to try much. He's already shown he wants her without having to try, and it's a turn-off to Ginger. Desperation is rarely ever a turn on.

Now the Facebook excuse thing, I really do think you are using it as an excuse and here is why. Running him or anyone on your states court database is a good idea but so is meeting in a public place. Do you really need that deep dive into him on a first date meeting in a public place? And if he is on trial for rape is he really going to post it on Facebook? You wanted to cyber stalk him and find out what you could. Let's be highest here. That said, if you are having him pick you up for a date, that's a much better reason for a deeper dive but again Facebook and Twitter only tells part of the story. It's why I'm very very careful about what I post on social media. I rarely post anyhow and never pictures on dates, I'm careful with comments,,etc. very often nothing good comes from posting on social media.

As for looking for "hot chicks," I make comments like that all the time - meant in a total joking manner. I say lots of things meant in a joking manner that may well not get taken that way. I mean nothing bad by it and being "hot" is only a small piece but it's a guy thing. We are not about to say "I'm heading out tonight to find some interesting conversation and intelligent banter with a nice lady" even if that's what I'm looking for.

So you are doing the right thing here giving it another try. It's easy to say not to read too much in and all but as many have said you have to kiss a lot of frogs and this latest guy may be one of them. At least have fun while playing on the lily pads.

[Coconut]

How long ago did his 7 yr R end? As for the looking for hot chicks comments, you didn't give the context but you should be able to discern if it was just joking around with his FB friends or if it was posted out of frustration. Either way I don't think it is a big red flag but could show a certain shallowness to him, because no matter how hot someone is, you get used to them and that physical attraction starts to wein.

Now, me being borderline ADD about my own puctuality (I'm never late to anything, but have worked hard to not always show up way early), I am a bit perplexed about his comment regarding you being 3 minutes late. If you are someone who doesn't worry about being fashionably late, and he is as anal as that comment makes me believe he is, that is something that can cause friction long term. While I don't worry about when other people show up late, my ex never gets anywhere on time which caused me to be late when we were together, it stressed me out every time and was a source of friction with us. I wouldn't say it's a deal breaker, but if you do tend to take your time getting places, I would do that before things get serious and see how he reacts.

[kml]

So, on FB he made posts a lot about looking for HOT chicks and even in person told a story and referenced how "hot" a woman is. I am no feminist, and I am certainly no prude, but it turned me off. He also had a rant on FB about how he was sick of paying for dinners on online dates and he will only leave it drinks or he thinks the woman should be paying half, which I get, because I am sure it gets pricey for these guys. It was his attitude towards it. And he also had some rant on FB about people being late. I arrived at 8:03 and he said "for someone who lives very close, how can you be late?" He said it was a joke, but I know it wasn't.

Nope. Not for me. Three red flags. And really, a guy who realizes NOW that he blew it with his live-in girlfriend by not offering a commitment, but whose focus is still on meeting "hot chicks"? Doesn't sound to me like he learned much.

And yes, I agree it's unfair that the financial burden of dating should all fall to men - and it's a good reason to meet for coffee or drinks instead of full dinner - but if a guy is complaining about it it tells me either 1) he's broke or 2) he's cheap.

[DonH]

And yes, I agree it's unfair that the financial burden of dating should all fall to men - and it's a good reason to meet for coffee or drinks instead of full dinner - but if a guy is complaining about it it tells me either 1) he's broke or 2) he's cheap.

Or perhaps 3) he's just really as frustrated with OLD as many of the rest of us are, and was mostly just venting to his friends and not thinking through how doing so on Facebook might not be the best place to write these things.

This just more than ever tells me to find out who someone is in person and judge them by how they act, what they say, what they do. If we look to social media to vet our dates we will either not want to date anyone or will find a great writer who makes himself look great on paper but is nothing like the character he is trying to portrait on Fakebook.

[uRworthy]

I want to tell the other posters to please forgive me as I didnt read the whole thread.

G, I calls it as I sees it..and the truth is..I get it. Not the part where you want to feel the way you did with the other men because I think we feel differently with whomever we are with and depending on the depth of the relationship. I mean the part about needing to feel some kind of attraction.

Can it develop over time? Yea. But I kind of think that your gut tells you a lot.

Having said that..I think you should go out for a second date. Maybe he was nervous. Maybe you weren't really into it. Wouldn't hurt.

But I don't think you are especially particular. There are a lot of men in this world...most of which I would not want a relationship with. I know me. I know what I want and what I don't. It isn't an extremely long list but an important one. And on this..i don't think one should settle.

You know, I think you do get yourself a little in a certain mindset. You are hopeful. I dont think there is anything wrong with that. The problem lies where being hopeful turns into something more.

But you are you...and I dont think you need to change that.

I do think you have to try to stop thinking about those old relationships. That gets you into trouble. You will never have those same exact feelings for someone else because they are unique to you and each of those men.

When I have fallen in love, it didnt feel the same with each.

As far as getting yourself stuck in a certain mindset...I do the same at times. I am there now. And sometimes wallowing a little bit helps me. I'm allowed. I cant always be the strong person who handles everything that is thrown at me. Sometimes I just need to vent and sit in it all for awhile.

As long as I dont live there.

I think for those of us who have had lifetimes filled with one disappointment after another, and having been abandoned at a young age and then again from the most important people in our lives..it leaves you with some issues. I know for me, after a lifetime of struggles and disappointment I do sometimes wait for the other shoe to drop a little more often than I like.

Can you get stuck in a cycle? Ayep. But you recognize you are and that is the important thing.

As someone who knows you in real life...I have seen who you are. What you show here is but a small part of it.

I think if I were to tell you anything it would be this. Live in the moment more. I mean really live in it. Dont look ahead...dont look behind..just live today. See what unfolds.

It's hard to do. I have to try really hard to do it. And I am not successful a lot of the time. But I try...every day.

I always said you are way too hard on yourself. Just look at what you have accomplished...most importantly that wonderful girl of yours.

You are doing great, my friend. Really and truly.