I am new here. Is it ok that I ask a question without telling too many about my situation right now? I need to warm up in order to become more open ...
I've read everything about the last resort technique. I am sure it is meaningful and the best option I have. Still, I have no clue and I am lacking any vision how things could practically develop in a positive way. As Michelle puts it, my husband "has said in no uncertain terms that he wants a divorce and it feels like he really means it". He has become so deeply unloving that he isn't shy to hurt me in this most extreme way I can imagine.
Isn't the bomb dropping itself a kind of insurmountable obstacle for any reconciliation? I mean not my side (being willing to reconcile whatever will happen) but his one. If you tell somebody you are done, you will need a lot of willpower to return and to say that leaving was wrong - in particular if you went away because you felt hurt by the person you've left.
This question keeps my mind occupied all the time even if I know that it doesn't help the situation. So I would be glad to hear some practical experiences.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just like on your wedding day when he said he would love you and cherish you to death do you part and has changed his mind he can change it again. Happens all the time. It takes giving him a lot of time and space to figure his $hit. Right now you need to focus on you and your kids if you have them and become the person only a fool would leave!
In theory LRT does work as long as you truly know how to execute. It is different for each situation. It will have a different effect on the WAS as each person has their own reasons for the ILYBNILWY. Try and understand what it is that he wants and why he now feels like he wants a D. See if these are things you can turn into goals. That is not to say he will change his mind, but it will leave you with the confidence you have done everything you can do.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Thanks for your answer. Remembering our wedding day makes me both hopeful and sad.
I can imagine if I work hard using the LRT and stop chasing that he WILL change his mind. But what happens then? Will he then return to our marriage or leave it broken in order to not have to admit a fault?
Maybe I have to mention what he said several times: That in case of reconciliation he himself would have the role of the "misguided loser" and I would act like a "conqueror". Just because of this mindset, my husband would never reconcile.
How does the WAS feel if he returns? Does he actually feel like a "misguided loser"?
I know my thoughts relate to something far down the road. And I know that LRT is meaningful independently of what will happen in future. Still, I need some deeper understanding to let these thoughts go and focus on the present and myself instead. So being grateful for any insight into the mind of the leaving spouse
From being on these boards for many years it seems that the majority of the time by the time the WW spouse realizes they fuched up the LBS has moved on.
That sounds realistic even if it is not the kind of divorce busting I am hoping for. So the LRT aims at making the LBS strong enough to get a life after divorce. And divorce is the only option for a broken marriage because there is this mad timing issue. In case the WAS realizes his fault at all, it is too late anyway, because the LBS has moved on. So why make thoughts about whether the WAS would not only realize his fault but also openly admit it and try to return to the marriage.
Honestly speaking, this perspective makes me resign. It simply doesn't matter how I act and react and detach and stop chasing and get a life and whatsoever. As for the marriage it is too late - from all perspectives. That is reality.
IMO how you act likely won’t make it better but it certainly can make it worse. By the time the WW gets to the bomb drop they are usually too far gone and it takes years to see and admit their mistakes.
Honestly speaking, this perspective makes me resign. It simply doesn't matter how I act and react and detach and stop chasing and get a life and whatsoever. As for the marriage it is too late - from all perspectives. That is reality.
G,
I have only been here a month so I am no expert. Not even close.
One thing I have learned here is that it is not over yet. If you want to fight for your marriage, fight! It won't be easy and the road will be long, but in the end you will either save your marriage or walk away knowing you did everything you possibly could to save it.
If you haven't, pick up a copy of The Divorce Remedy (DR book). It puts a lot of things in to perspective and will give you a good idea on how to proceed. I know I sound like a commercial, but it helped calm me down and allowed me to see some things in my marriage that I never realized were happening.
Yes, a lot of the talk on this board is preparing yourself to be on your own again because it is a possibility, but you will find many, many people here who will listen and give you sage advice on what you need to do to have a chance at regaining your H.
If nothing else, it is great therapy and support.
Goid luck to you and stick to it!
M: 25 T:33 Me: 48 W: 49 S24, D21, D18, D15, S8 All living at home while going to school A confirmed: 12-25-17 EA Definite PA Probable
Sorry for being so emotional. You being so clear helps a lot. I've read and understood the books of Michelle. Nevertheless, I wonder how this all could work out for us.
May I tell some details about our situation? Our problem was ever more conflicts due to an ever more escalating distancer (me)- follower (him) relationship. The bomb drop was 02/17. He announced that he feels separated from then on, that he wants divorce, that he will take part in online dating for finding a new relationship. For the sake of the children he will not move out until he has found a new girlfriend. So for one year now, our life at days seems quite normal, we talk in a quite normal way, but he avoids and refuses any physical contact and sleeps on a separate mattress in a small room under the roof (his clothes are still in our MBR).
Of course, I did a lot of mistakes during last year. Then I read Michelle's books and I try to stick to the LRT. Detaching myself from him makes him more relaxed and friedly towards me. Nevertheless, this does not prevent him from online dating. I try hard to controll my emotions then and I am getting better and better, but I still do the mistake to tell him how this online dating hurts. Sometimes I think he is online dating to actually find a new wife. Sometimes I think he is online dating just to cope with his own frustration. He says that we do not fit together. He says that it isn't worth working on our conflicts any more.
I am really successful in GAL. I lost 20 pounds after the BD and do you know how he reacted? Because I didn't get rid of those 20 pregnancy pounds before our "separation" but after it, this proves for him that I did never appreciate him.
I could write endlessly and I realize how hopeless the situation is in writing. Whatever I have done wrongly in our marriage (and we actually hurt each other), what he is doing now that I haven't deserved. Still, I appreciate him so much for all his other facets. He is the best father for our children, he is my best friend and he is such a special person. And we still live under one roof. And I am aware I have to detach. This is such a huge dilemma I am in.
