Thank you Sandy. Detaching is hard but it needs to be done. If my goal is to save my marriage I need to save myself and not focus on saving my spouse. Right?
I need help. My WAH was taking odds and ends to his new house today. I tried to not be around because it was too painful. I told him that I did not want him to be here for family dinners on Sunday. It is not good for me and that he could take the girls every other Sunday. Today I reminded him that he had to take the girls tomorrow. He then proceeded to tell me "Where do you want me to take them?" At that moment I wanted to say " IDGAF!!! Figure it out" But I didn't. Instead I said "IDK call your sisters." The guilt set inside but I was not rude but honest. I cannot do it and pretend we are a happy family when he is choosing to leave. Also, WAH is choosing this because he claims to not want to be with me so he does not get to eat my food and sit with me. Maybe it is the wrong attitude but I cannot coddle this behavior. What do you think?
I asked myself that before letting him know. I felt a but conflicted because I do love having him here but then it gets hurtful because he continues to be moving forward with the D and it becomes too painful. So I told him nicely but that he could come every other week. When he is here I get my hopes up and that is the painful part. I am not sure sometimes because my DB coach encourages to be with him when I am not pursuing but then on the boards it often says something different. I guess for me the hard part is knowing when you are being taken advantage of or if it is a good move. Hence, having him here for Sunday dinners feels good but then he starts to pack up things for his new life. This is where I am stuck.
I think at this point you have to accept that he is moving forward with the D. If you want to have him over every other Sunday for dinners for the sake of the kids that is fine. You should have zero expectations and show him a woman only a fool would leave. These sitchs take years to unfold.
Thank you! I have come to the realization and probably the acceptance that I can only influence anything my cleaning my side of the street. I am grieving so badly and it is overwhelming. I look at him and want to hug him and smell him but I cant. The acceptance is the hard part. When you say years it seems so daunting!!!!
I know but you are smart to know that will only make things worse. I remember in the beginning I would just wander around the neighborhood aimlessly. Everything was overwhelming but with time I promise you it gets better. I am getting divorced my w still lives w me and I can’t wait until she moves out. It took three years to play out. Just try to get a little better every day.
He states that he cannot trust me because I have gone over the budget. But honestly the budget thing is just excuses. Im not saying that it should be ignored but it is not a reason to divorce spouse. He has serious depression which he refuses to treat and a grass is greener mentality. We actually have a great friendship, intense attraction, similar senses of humor and so on. We are compatible in so many regards. My opinion is that he spun into a deep depression again and the budget thing put him over the edge. I think he may talking to someone which only perpetuates the "leaving" mentality. I turn in my response to the divorce papers on the 19th. I have to completely detach at this point. Because the only way to ever reconcile is to let him go. At this point he does not want to be saved.
I have to completely detach at this point. Because the only way to ever reconcile is to let him go. At this point he does not want to be saved.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is a difficult thing I know.
Take detachment one step at a time. I have long held to the believe that detachment is not a place or final action. It is a constant state of choice and actions. Start small
One can not lose 50 pounds in one night.
One must start with actions of diet and exercise to lose first one pound then another.
Pain and temptation from old habits will work to deter the person aiming for health through weight loss.
Detachment is much the same. You can not "completely detach over night. You will need to take small actions first. You will work to not react to physical feelings at the thought of him, or in his presence. You want to halt thoughts of understanding all that he does or says... You will work towards changing habits of attachment that have formed over time.
Take it one small step at a time.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
