There was no settlement, as there were no joint assets and no kids. The house was always mine (mine before I even met him, all those years ago). The lawyer said I was very lucky, because things were so simple for me.
So, from the time he ran away, he was essentially paying my mortgage for me without actually having to, or being legally obliged to. Bearing in mind, he earned easily four times or more what I do and was/is extremely successful and well known for what he does.
I worked so darn hard last year that I earned enough to pay the balance of my mortgage off last week. I'm not joking...70 hour weeks for months and months on end. And I still managed to get out there, start running and date a little bit as well
So, perhaps I'm doing OK in all of this? I wasn't the one that ran away from my troubles and issues, I've faced/am still facing my fears, and I am mortgage free.
So, perhaps I'm doing OK in all of this? I wasn't the one that ran away from my troubles and issues, I've faced/am still facing my fears, and I am mortgage free.
I'm a throw yourself in at the deepens and wrestle with it kinda gal.
Been thinking and looking back.
I had an opportunity to go hell for leather DBing after the BD in May 2013.
He told me then (two days after my birthday) that he couldn't see a future together. And then left shortly afterwards to go to work at a job for about a month (maybe?) 400 odd miles away - and I now know, with OW.
That was my chance really. I kinda did DB bit, but I didn't really understand what was happening or what I was doing, or what DBing was all about. I'd never heard of it then. It was more an instinctive thing, just to try and do **something**. I had no idea about OW number 2.
He did make reference to 'startling changes' I had made when he finally texted me in October 2015, saying he wanted to separate. And I think he might have been referring to that period. Who knows though. And really, who cares?
I think one of my closes friends understood what the deal was though. She's helped me a lot.
Anyway, I can see where the scars are, and I can feel what still needs work. But there's no rush now, is there? Better to be working slowly and surely, than trying to do as much and as fast as possible. That's what I was doing previously, for the first year/year and a half anyway.
I see my lifetime issues are trust. Not just as a result of my M and the A, but from way before that. And deeper than being able to trust other people, is the necessity of trusting yourself. I don't think I've ever really believed in myself much, on a feeling level and I've never trusted myself much.
Sure, there are a few things I wish I had done differently in this whole thing. I hang my head in shame...in November 2014 I did actually send an email to OW saying I knew (I'd discovered a text from him to her, where he said he still loved her). The email I sent said that they would never find themselves in the same city again, or work with each other again. Oh well...I can laugh about it now.
But I feel like (overall) I've behaved in a dignified manner, outwardly at least. Especially since October 2015. That's important to me. When I felt that the carpet had been whipped out from under my feet, it's all I could do to try and regain my balance and look a little more graceful at least.
And you won yourself a future by working. I confess it's my strategy too. Being the higher earner then I am the one paying, as the G got sacked for gambling and not working.
He pretended the BIT was rich and it backfired because the Courts said he had no need for housing as clearly OW had a house! She does but it's 50% of a tiny flat in Bratislava worth 30k in euros. And she lost her job too and has a tiny pension. They don't like adultery in provincial Catholic Italy. Because of it her ex won't have to give her a bean as it's a fault environment.
Now it seems they have split and the G has met a rich widow playing golf. Mind you he said the BIT was rich. She haunts my FB page, I think she assumes the G is back in the UK with me.
I tell you this to raise a smile.
So OW9 has her come uppence. Moral don't drop your knickers for a married man.
Take care lovely lady and extreme self care. More, more, more.
I would love to share resources with you on the self care.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I used to work with XMIL, occasionally. I got on really well with her and everyone else who worked on the same project. I worked for her for a number of years and got to know them all really well. It was always very relaxed and fun.
I did one more job with them after after XH ran away, and they were all incredibly supportive of me, saying they hoped I wouldn't disappear, they were sorry to hear what had happened, they thought he was a **** for doing what he did. After that, I couldn't really handle working for her and I thought it might be better to stop.
Anyway, today one of them posted a picture from 2011 of them all. XH was in the picture too. That was before the **** started hitting the fan big style and he started his A with OW2.
XMIL commented something along the lines of 'I didn't manage to keep tabs on them, but I did try'.
It kinda made me rehash stuff mentally. Mainly to do with the slippery slope down to having an A (or two, at least).
Not enough to affect my day, but the rehashing was going on for a couple of hours. And it got me thinking about the rehashing process as well...which was good. And there being no definitive 'closure' (something one of my very good friends suggested counselling would help me somehow achieve). Anyway, she's never been in my situation, not even close, so I tried to explain it was like someone dying suddenly, and you're left with trying to sort everything out afterwards. And it just gets to a point where you have sorted out as much as you can, and other things need to start to take some sort of priority (like making a future for yourself). It doesn't mean that a it's 'done' or 'sorted'. It just means that you need to start using the time and energy that you have differently.
That's where I am with it all right now.
Maybe I should watch 'Three Colour: Blue' again. It's been 20 odd years since I saw it. And it's about death and the grieving process.
I definitely feel 'through' it all now though. And I definitely feel like my life is about the future that I make it now. And I'm really flipping embracing it with everything I have and wholeheartedly, for sure. It's permeating every cell of my body.
I'm home today, working like a fiend on a business thing I've signed up to. It's going really well.
Mid afternoon and the doorbell rings. They're really persistent.
I open the door to find XMIL standing there with a box of my things. It's stuff that they were keeping aside for me in their loft. She's driven the 40 odd minutes from their village to the city where I live.
She says 'I've brought you this. I would have called you, but I didn't have your number'.
Now, she's still my 'friend' on FB, so she could have messaged me on that to let me know.
And, I notice there's never been any mention whatsoever of her returning my antique dresser that they were looking after for me in their big house.
My guess is that she wants to talk.
I saw my X in laws on a job I was doing a couple of months ago, and she made a point of walking right across the very large hall to say hello to me. She said 'just saying hello' and didn't wait for an answer.
Anyway, I said 'OK, thank you'. And didn't ask how she was or anything more. She added a few more things into the 'conversation', but I gave very short answers. So she left.
My concentration is gone now, my focus isn't there.
I don't want to speak to them. There's nothing to discuss. It's done. I'm done.
I went for a run. It was hard work because it was so darn cold out there, so I was catching my breath a bit on the air.
I came home, tidied up a bit, got my things ready for tomorrow, made some dinner and went back to work.
I really knocked it out the park on the work front today, and I'm proud of myself for that.
And I dealt with the surprise like a champ. Not to her face, but the after effects of it.
Purely speculation on my part,but I'm wondering is she was maybe after some sort of 'absolution' from me for what her son had done. I don't know.
What I do know is that XMIL is principled, religious, kind hearted, human. The whole thing, XH's behaviour, what he did, most probably completely shocked her to her very core.
I feel sorry for her. But I'm going to plough my own furrow here and focus on my own life.
I've signed up for this business thing which is happening pretty soon. I've been meaning to do it for years, but the price has always frightened me. It's costing me a serious shed load of money. I have a ton of prep to do, and I need to be on the ball for the next few weeks so that I can do everything that I need to do in time. And I need to be mentally all there when I do it, relaxed and focused. I can't afford not to give it my best shot, for all sorts of reasons.
And I want to feel proud that I've given it my best shot too, that I've believed in myself. This was something that I always had trouble with in my past life. I realise now that lack self belief is costly, in all sorts of ways. And I realise now that I'm not willing to pay that price any more.
If you had known me previously, this would be such a total turn around. I would have been the first person to lend someone a listening ear, even if it meant that I was really uncomfortable or very depleted in the process.
Now I'm thinking that I need and want to use my time and energy for the things that are most important to me. And I'm afraid that XMIL is way at the bottom of the list now.
So I went for a run, made dinner, sorted stuff and went back to work.
Wow, I can't even imagine. You are strong focus, that visit would of shaken me to my core, you handled it in stride. I love my ex-inlaws but have distanced myself considerably for awhile. Ii I ever choose to reach out, it will be as friends, not as family. But they do come with memories, so it needs to be my choice, and while she may have done it with loving intentions, it isn't her choice, it's yours.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
