I'm not really new here, as I've been lurking for weeks. I've typed and mentally written and rewritten this post repeatedly in that time. All the little details I would have included I've slowly started to care less about, but I have to start somewhere if I'm to participate. So, those details I'll freely answer if asked, but here's the story as it is where I am today.
After fighting fibromyalgia for three years, I discovered that I was suffering severe side effects (SE) from the medications I was taking to treat it, the worst of which resulted in years of increased irritability, paranoia, depression, minor memory loss and two suicide attempts (10/7/14 & 7/21/17). The doctors confirmed this and I'm no longer taking anything to manage my condition as of 7/27/17. Coming off, I realized also I'd basically been high for three years.
Unfortunately, from time to time, the SE caused me to be hostile toward my WW over the years, usually over things that were rightly issues (just ask), but I admit I became increasingly hostile. I do feel extremely blessed that I never became abusive physically or called her names, I've considered how I'd have felt if it manifested that way or worse, but thankful it did not. I did, however become a bit of an a**hole. I did begin to complain a lot more than I wanted, eventually I started swearing (I don't swear). Honestly, if you want to know what it looked like, I can explain later. I feel bad for how I became, but it doesn't justify WW.
The Xbox, ugh, I want to try to keep this part concise. A year into my illness, we got consoles with the idea we'd spend more time together; my illness had made going out like we used to difficult, so I reasoned one thing we did while dating was play PS3. But WW quickly showed more interest in being online playing MMOs with coworkers than 2 player games with me. I gave in and joined, but not before a few arguments about it that got me nowhere. This went on from October 2015, with me sporadically trying to pull us away from it fruitlessly, and she has continued to this day.
All of 2017 was bad M. By January I could feel her pulling away subconsciously, but I wasn't aware what was happening truly. We'd just had our third child (6th, between us, but my other two lived elsewhere). I was SAHD while she worked. I took great care of the house, the kids, she even admits this, but things between us subtly deteriorated. In my state, I couldn't see what was going on, though in hindsight I would have known otherwise. I've always been very intuitive, it helped make the first years there joy they were; I drive Uber/Lyft now, and frequently minister to passengers, I can seem to sense when people are going through things. Meanwhile, my SE were getting worse; a third and finally medication switch started bringing in bouts of anger and depression more frequently. Where before I'd go months without an episode, they started occurring every 4-5 weeks. Something would just get to me, the housework, money (we were making far less than the 5-7k I used to bring home), the kids but only once, pain from the fibro and of course my WW's distance most of all. The more I pressed the more she buried herself in the Xbox, until she was just coming home, going straight to the room and logging on by herself. May, June and July of 2017 will probably be remembered as the three worst months of my life. So much went wrong, culminating in the ILYBINILWY and D BD late June. At the same time, I'd started harming myself. I'd been doing all the no-nos, until the incident July 21; I even think I find a few new ones, I focused my anger on the Xboxes and online friends (by then, her appetite had grown where she had dropped the five or six coworkers I knew and had interacted with for a guild of over 200 strangers, some I meet once when I tried to register her again in May), and went so far as to hide the consoles at a friend's at one point, big mistake, the night I took them she gave me her wedding rings. I don't like admitting I did that, or that later I tried to destroy them in a sink of soapy water, all I can say is that I was not acting uninfluenced.
Before the end, I started suspecting it was more than just the game. Those months I'd actually convinced myself she was just addicted, hence my focus on the game and my wayward thinking that what I was doing was tough love to break her it of it. But then I started wanting to see her phone, and at that she got REALLY defensive. One night when I grabbed it of the nightstand she ended up calling the sheriff. It all but confirmed things, but I was in denial. I convinced myself she just didn't want me to see how badly she had been badmouthing me to her new friends. And I truly chose to believe that. It was made easier because a few weeks earlier I find a podcast she was in on, and she basically let one of the guys, a complete stranger from a group she'd only known six weeks, curse me up and down; that podcast was taken online when I sent an email to the group moderator, but I saved it.
Anyway, I spent a week in the hospital from the incident, and came home to WW demanding I leave. Again, drugged up, still not thinking clearly, I moved out August 5, six months ago to the day. In my right mind, believe me, I never would have done that. Mind, she'd actually forced me out onto the street with nowhere to go a few times before that, but I managed to talk her into letting me come back.
That last time, though, was me trying to give her what she wanted hoping it would make a difference. And in some ways it did. Once gone, I immediately set out to correct as much of what went wrong as I could. Off the meds, I went through withdrawal, but six weeks later discovered I could function. I was reading and learned that one SE was never pain; turns out the drugs meant to treat my condition have a SE tight actually can intensify it. I dug in then. I started looking for work because me not working was one thing she listed as a contributor. I found under the table jobs until I find a real one. I bought a car, a 2016 VW Passat, not believing if even qualify until I drove it off the lot. I found an apartment. I found a good church nearby, and started seeing a IC And I started working out, which was actually the first thing I did day one, as I'd put on weight those three years, and didn't look particularly attractive. I can say six months later, I like mirrors a lot, lol. I started drawing again, writing poetry again. I started living again. I was GAL before I'd ever even heard the term; to me, I was just undoing the damage "I caused" in our M. Yes, I did send two emails accepting responsibility for things I had actually said and done, expressing my love and desire to R early on, but I only asked if she'd be willing to talk about the M once in September, which got an "IDK, we'll see", and again in late October when I thought she'd had time to consider. When November rolled around with no talk, I drove to the house unannounced. I hadn't had anything suspicious intended, that day just started with a nagging need to go talk to her that I tried to stifle, but the more I resisted it the louder it got, until I couldn't think to work. I got off early November 29 to make the 2hr drive to BD #2, the Nissan Altima with the TN plates in our driveway. What happened in detail someone will have to ask, but I left an hour later proud of myself as a Christian man at how I handled myself, and disdainful of the OM I discovered had hidden where even she couldn't find him when I arrived. He is and always will be a coward, and they both know it now. The next day I got drunk, ON PURPOSE, and I don't drink. Texting ensued that night, and she audaciously offered to put him on 3way. I stupidly accepted, disbelieving she would do such a horrible thing, but she did. Again, I handled myself with Christian aplomb until maybe the last minute, when I not so subtly suggested I was going to come see him since I had his plate and Vin number.
I never did fully research that info, though I very well could have found him. Hours into doing so, I realized it wasn't worth it, and I deleted/threw away those numbers.
I've gone through nearly every range of emotions, except maybe anger. Don't ask me why, but I just haven't been angry, though it has stirred a time or two, it never truly came to fruition.
I found a new job early January, and a new apartment, both now within 30 minutes so seeing my kids is easier. I went NC around then, just kids and finances from me (though, every so often she tries to conversate, I just acknowledge what she's said, but don't really engage). My job is great, it's .50/hr less, but the work is 90% less physically demanding with my fibro, and honestly telling people I work in the OR at a hospital feels so much more prestigious than that I'm making furniture. My wardrobe has been getting more stylish. And I'm thinking more about MY future. I'm planning to go back to school to become a nurse, starting with getting my CNA in about a month. The hospital even has a tutor program that covers 80-100%, depending on the program. I look good. I mean I look good. I look in the mirror and have to remind myself I'm 40 now. I'm toned to hell, and getting bigger (before the fine, I was a lifelong hard gainer). I feel good about me now.
If there's any dark spot, it's that I still love her, I always will. The first five months, even through BD#2, I was committed to R. But lately, I've begun to think about whether I really want that. I have been here long enough to know there are those who would push on that, but here's the problem: my beliefs don't allow me to consider D a positive, their settled and I don't want them to change. Those same beliefs tell me that if she wants to leave, let her go, but they don't allow me to desire it myself. But lately, I am, and I hate feeling that way. It is counter to how I want to feel. I want the door to R, with boundaries, to remain open in my heart, but I can feel it closing against my will. And as it closes, resentment is settling in. I keep praying God will keep my heart from hardening, and I resist it. I began lurking here when that first started, looking for those who found their way back to their WS, not for false hope, but so that I could meditate on hope.
Anyway, that's my story. I'll answer any questions as honestly as I can. Do I still want to R, I honestly don't know right now. Thanks.
Me: 40 W: 31 Kids: mine 12, 11; hers 11; ours 5, 4, 1 (all mine, though) Only dates that matter anymore: M 4/8/12; forced me out the house 8/5/17; BD 11/29/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Oh, I forgot to mention. The OM, "Chris" I'd what was claimed. I think I know "Chris". He had a slightly distinctive voice, somewhat nasally and higher pitched than mine. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. I think Chris is there guy from the podcast, the guy my WW sat back and let publicly trash me, a guy I met the one time I tried to rejoin her once she met this group.
Me: 40 W: 31 Kids: mine 12, 11; hers 11; ours 5, 4, 1 (all mine, though) Only dates that matter anymore: M 4/8/12; forced me out the house 8/5/17; BD 11/29/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hello and welcome! I'm curious what your goals are in being here, as interesting as your first post is it doesn't sound like you want to recon, except perhaps out of some notion that your religion demands it?
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When November rolled around with no talk, I drove to the house unannounced.
Quite the jerk move there.
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but I left an hour later proud of myself as a Christian man at how I handled myself, and disdainful of the OM I discovered had hidden where even she couldn't find him when I arrived. He is and always will be a coward, and they both know it now.
You were PROUD of yourself? Wow. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? You might add it to your reading list. Soon. Regarding OM, considering your extremely violent past with your W and the fact that she no doubt conveyed that to OM, hiding was probably prudent on his part. There's no shame in avoiding violent confrontations.
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Again, I handled myself with Christian aplomb until maybe the last minute, when I not so subtly suggested I was going to come see him since I had his plate and Vin number.
That's a pretty big Christian "fail" there. I mean you actually made a threat?? If you want to conduct yourself with dignity and earn people's respect, it's got to be CONSISTENT behavior. Not "I was a model Christian 99% of the time and a raving ahole for the other 1%" because that is the way hypocrites behave.
AnotherStander, appreciate anyone taking the time to read and reply. Only in hindsight can I agree that going to the house under the circumstances wasn't a good idea. At the time, it wasn't something I'd have known to consider, nothing more, nothing less; I'd never known anyone to make an issue of it until now, but as it is, I have no desire to repeat it with her.
Proud of myself? Yes, I don't think I wrote enough details or actually acted in a manner to be concerned I was being a "Mr. Nice Guy". Nor am I really sure what you're referring to about an "extremely violent past", if you'd care to clarify. And I hope you'll understand I'm not inclined to share your view that the OM was/is prudent or anything else of virtue.
I'm trying to continue to move forward for myself and my kids, right now, and most of what I come here for has been reading for encouragement to do that. My feelings on R aren't settled, up until about two weeks ago I felt they were solidly for it, but I can't really say that right now, so I'm tabling it for the moment. I don't feel there's any rush to have to think about that right now, and I'll likely circle back around to it at some point in the near future. Hope that helps.
Me: 40 W: 31 Kids: mine 12, 11; hers 11; ours 5, 4, 1 (all mine, though) Only dates that matter anymore: M 4/8/12; forced me out the house 8/5/17; BD 11/29/17
Hey Exod14 Actually get your feelings. You remember the story in the OT about Hosea and gomer? Wife was a prostitue. He sold most of what he had to get her back, demonstrating God’s love. That’s a tough one. I couldn’t do it. Only with God’s strength can this be done. Also, remember that love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a decision and it’s also a vow. Better to not vow a vow than vow a vow and not keep it. Don’t miss the blessing of forgiveness. It’s the only way you can get to where you need to be with a God and yourself. When your life is truly not your own you have no choice but to love. Don’t forget who you are and and that you’ve been bought with a great price. And finally balance and boundaries. Don’t be a doormat. If the unbeliever departs then let her. You are not bound.
In reading through your post, it seems a little like you have no blame in the downfall of your marriage. It was all on either her or the side effects of your medication(s).
All you can change going forward is yourself. All you can do is to BE the best option. It sounds like you are doing some activity, and I think thats great. Now, Id recommend peeling the onion and go a layer deeper and see whats there.
For example, my ex didnt like the smell of the "normal" Tide pods. But they were 2 dollars cheaper than the "scent-free" ones. So I would buy the normal ones. When I was reflecting back, I was just being cheap. As I dug further, I realized how much resentment I had towards her choices on jobs - I figured since she wasnt working as much or as hard as I expected of her, that she didnt DESERVE to figure out how those $2 were getting spent. As I dug further, I could see that it was all a part of a power struggle between us manifesting in my not really listening or understanding.
My point is that I think you are on the track, but you really need to dig further than just blaming the SE.
Amoafwl, hi. I've always thought there is a distinction between fault (blame) and responsibility. It helped that I had when I had to piece through the "what happened" phase. I don't see myself at fault if my words and actions were not volitional. My part wasn't who I was before I got sick. But I accept responsibility for those things, apologizing and insuring they don't become a part of who I am. I just don't beat myself up over it anymore. It's been six months. Right now I focus on who I want to be and doing those things that align with being him.
Me: 40 W: 31 Kids: mine 12, 11; hers 11; ours 5, 4, 1 (all mine, though) Only dates that matter anymore: M 4/8/12; forced me out the house 8/5/17; BD 11/29/17
I don't see myself at fault if my words and actions were not volitional.
I dont know the details, and Im sure it must have been horrible to go through both the sickness and the related side effects from the medicine. Im very fortunate to not have that be a part of my life story to date. I also want to be clear in saying that Im not saying you are to blame 100% for the breakdown of the marriage. What I am saying is that saying the root causes for the failures in the marriage are 100% related to the side effects of the drugs and on your W's choice seems oversimplified and disingenuous.
Your initial post post basically reads like "I was not a great husband, friend, and partner for several years but 1) The drugs clouded my life and judgment 2) My W was the one that distanced and blocked me out eventually turning to OM" It reads as if, because 1 and 2 were true, you can absolve yourself of the issues leading to the end of your marriage.
When I read your text, I see resentment, judgment, hostility, arrogance... you are painting yourself as a victim of circumstance. My point is that SE or not, NOW is the time to reflect back and see where youve been so that you can accurately become the man you want to become. Sure, you can go work out and get a new job and such -but if you dont address any underlying issues, then sooner or later, they will reappear.
Im sorry if Im coming off like a dick. I can appreciate that you have started righting the ship from a lot of the behaviors you indicated and thats awesome. I am also not suggesting you 'beat yourself up' over the past. I just want you to make sure you have looked at yourself in your emotional mirror so that you can say that you have come face-to-face with what you did to contaminate the marriage. Not just in a blanket apology, but in an understanding way so that you can truly address what kind of man you want to be going forward.
