You have to change your thought patterns and THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT. Statistics show that our minds have about 50,000 random thoughts per day. Most of them are NEGATIVE. Once I started feeding on positives, I feel ALOT BETTER. I have a WAS, and she packed up and moved and took my kids. I can't control what she did, but I get to choose HOW I RESPOND. Go to youtube and type in 'marriage restoration'. They are some good stories. You are what you focus on. What a difference A DAY MAKES.
Thank you!!! I actually am doing that right now. There are some hopeful videos. It is difficult when you let yourself get stuck in the fog. To watch your whole life kind of be taken away. But you are correct, your thoughts become your reality.
Why is detaching so hard? It is hard to let go but I know that it is necessary for the WAH to want to work on our marriage. I dont chase or pursue or anything of that sort. But I struggle with a lot of pain and despair. Letting go of control that I do not really have is a torture in and of itself.
I need some help. Yesterday was intense. WAH wanted to talk about the parenting plan even though he served me last week. I have been hesitant because there wasnt much to talk about and I already prepared my response to the papers to be filed on the 19th. He was super angry and came over at 7. He apparently had an IC an hour before. So when he walked him he looked calm. I remained calm and we went through some parenting time stuff which honestly was the same thing we had been doing before. He begins to tell me that he is closing on a house the following week. I had an idea that he was doing that but I explained the legal and financial rights that I have and that was fine. This is where I am not sure if I did wrong. I have had my suspicions of him having an EA or having had a one night stand. As he is walking to his car I asked him to respond honestly. I asked him if he had cheated on me, having an EA or PA etc. He looked stunned and immediately stated why I was asking. I then replied that it was a yes or no answer. He said no but I have known him for 16 years so I feel really strongly that there is something. He walked to his car and left. This morning he came to get our oldest D for school and I accidentally gave him a hug on autopilot. I feel so dumb and lost and confused and hopeless. I am not sure if this marriage can be saved. I am trying to save myself first but lately it has been so hard. I need so much support!!!
He said no but I have known him for 16 years so I feel really strongly that there is something.
I hate to say this, but trust your gut. I knew when my XW's heart wasn't in it any more, and I could somehow feel that there was someone else (I was right).
Don't worry about the hug. Little mistakes happen, and it's not going to make any difference in the scheme of things.
Originally Posted By: winner
I feel so dumb and lost and confused and hopeless. I am not sure if this marriage can be saved. I am trying to save myself first but lately it has been so hard. I need so much support!!!
Hang in there. Do you have a network of people IRL that you can confide in? That will really help.
Do you have any GAL activities? Even if you're busy with school, you need to find time to have fun and try to find some enjoyment in life outside of your sitch. It will really help you deal with things.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Thank you. Yes I am pretty certain there is something going on!! I remember my therapist telling me last week that I knew more than I think I knew. And little things have been unfolding. I deserve to know after 16 years. Whether it started before the BD or after it does not matter. How do try to have "hope" in this sitch? I made an appt with my DB coach today
Hope is a very tricky thing, and no one can tell you if and when to give it up. That's completely up to you. If everyone tells you it's too late, but you still have hope (even if you don't understand why), hold on to that hope.
But also be smart. Look out for yourself. Don't let your hope blind you to your sitch.
You deserve to know about the A, but you may never get an answer. I know that hurts. But there may come a time where you have to give up trying to find out, to save your sanity.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Thank you and yes hope is tricky because you feel so vulnerable and naive. I am taking care of myself legally which is good but it makes this so real. My DB coach Chuck was a godsend today. He helped pull me out of the desperation funk. He gave me pointers and helped me see some hopeful things. What is difficult is showing my WAH that I am on board while I am dying inside. My exact thoughts are " How the hell is acting like I agree on the D going to make him want to reconcile?"
Today I had an epiphany. I have been praying for two days to learn how to detach. And "letting him go" is the only way to get him back honestly. This does not mean that I let go of my family and my marriage but I cannot save my husband. I can continue to do the 180 and do it for me. At the end of the day, if my WAH comes back it is not because I controlled him. It is because I had to let him go to find himself. I am saddened and grieving but I need to take care of myself. The person that I love does not exist today. He is so lost. I hope that he can turn this around but I cannot focus on that. I will hold space for that but honestly I have to let him go. I told him that I cannot do family dinners on Sunday because it is too painful. He looked surprised but it is too hurtful for me. It is also condoning that he can have his cake and eat it too. And I will not encourage that. Thoughts?
Don't know if you have seen this version of the definition of DB detaching, but I'm going to copy & past one that seems easier to really grasp, than the one in the homework links.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
