I decided to start a new thread unless this is frowned upon. My WAH looks depressed and sad when he comes over. We have been on friendly terms but I miss him terribly. I officially got served last tuesday and found out he started drinking after 20 years of not doing so. That was extremely sad and disheartening to say the least. He is numbing his feelings with alcohol. He initially said he was unhappy and did not feel safe in our relationship but as time goes on he looks less happy and miserable. He has been initiating more conversation and asking where I am going all the time. I try to be realistic and just think that he served me and it trying to buy a house so i should not get my hopes up. Today he was here most of the day. He came over and hung to help with these new puppies I now have (guilty much??). I saw him lying on the bed and at one point he looked at me and I looked back with the yearning face. I had to pull away because it was too hard. I miss him so so much. I do not recognize him anymore. He is so full of pain. We are supposed to talk about the child custody portion of the papers soon since I have until the 19th to respond to the paperwork. I am so depressed. I have been DBing but detachment is the hardest. Most people have been telling me he seems to be hitting rock bottom now with the drinking and I am assuming the shame. Any thoughts?
Today he was here most of the day. He came over and hung to help with these new puppies I now have . I saw him lying on the bed and at one point he looked at me and I looked back with the yearning face.
I dont really understand - why are you spending so much time together right now? I say if he is over to see the kids, then you should go out and do something. Not hang around him like one of your puppies Or have him take the kids somewhere else.
Originally Posted By: winner
(guilty much??)
I am assuming the shame. Any thoughts?
This is you projecting what you would expect he is feeling onto him. Just worry about what youre doing and feeling.
Hey it is annoying to me but now we have these puppies and I wanted him to take care of all their needs on Saturday because I was not the one who bought them. I left for 5 hours because I could not be around it. I am supposed to talk to him about the time with the kids tonight but all I am going to give him is my proposed schedule and he can look at it and make his own desired adjustments. He works far away and does not have much flexibility in his schedule so he cant get exactly what he wants. My D's come first. He is a good man but marred with depression and hopelessness. I am so distraught inside.
So I grabbed the vaccines for these dogs because I cant have them here unvaccinated. He is supposed to come by in an hour to take them to my neighbors to receive the shots. I have to give him the schedule that I came up with for our D's for custody. This is all so scary and new. I have a huge paper due for grad school and honestly do not want to talk to him about the schedule. I just want to hand him the sheet of paper. How can I do that without being rude. I think one of the main reasons he finds himself in this predicament is his depression. It has been around for many many years and he has been suicidal in the past. Due you think that depression leads to MLC or a WAH? I feel that if he were on medication the world would seem like a better place for him. Thoughts?
Im struggling so bad. I think he might be having an emotional affair because anytime he is here he is on it. One of his close friends that during their 5 am workout he was texting someone and giggling the whole time. My mind is a mess. He served me last week and I am so scared. I need advice direction and help. We are on much better terms and he initiates conversations and the like but I feel so lost. HELP!!!
Winner, I know how you feel. You can read my thread. It's disheartening because the DB book creates a lot of hope but I kept trying to find some statistics and found that only 5 - 10% of relationships can be saved when they get to this point. So statistically speaking I don't think the DB techniques can guarantee success but perhaps can increase your chance of being in that 10%. There also are some loose statistics about 5 - 10% of people reconciling and re-marrying after divorce. I wish DB had its own statistics or more data available about its success rate. I know they say DB is about improving yourself and not just about saving your marriage, but we buy the book because we want to save our marriages and I wish there could be a stronger promise that there's a way to save a marriage right at the end. Anyway, I'm struggling a lot just like you. Your situation sounds much better though, actually, because your husband is talking to you and you're seeing some changes in him. Maybe there's still hope. I'm not sure about the depression. It seems he has to want to be on medication and there may not be much you can do about it. It would be helpful for people in our situations to know how to interact with our spouses after divorce. For example you'll still care about your husband and be concerned about him after the divorce goes through, if it does. What do you do then?
THANK YOU!! You give me some solace. I love him dearly and it breaks my heart to see my marriage go this route. I cant control his actions and I need to keep repeating that to myself. I am currently working with DB coach and it helps a lot. Did you talk to any DB coaches? He helps me see things differently and look at all the things that I am missing. That always gives me hope but then it gets lost when all other suspicions arise of possible EA's that I am not aware of.
I also need advice on tomorrow. WAH wants to talk about parent time with the girls for the future. All I want to do is collapse but I have to get myself together. I do not want to spend an hour on it but the minimal time tomorrow because this is going to take a lot of back and forth. Any suggestions because all I want to do is hug him and cry.
Or have him take the kids somewhere else.