Thank you! I do feel like I handled this one well. The ONLY reason why I offered to be a friend if he needed one is because his family just suffered a very tragic loss. His Aunt and Uncle in their 50's died, (no idea how) but it must have been something pretty tragic. So, I tried to be a decent person while letting him know I am not into his games.
He is definitely caught in that place in his life between being a man and still having that immaturity. He probably did need his ego to be fed a bit. But I am not someone to be regretted in the morning! He may try to contact me one again, but I feel comfortable ignoring it now. I said my piece and I am good with I.
Sure, There is a part of me that is a little wishy washy because it's been a year. He's coming up on all my "ON this Day's" Saturday is a year from our first date. I don't want him back, we do not belong together.
So, all that being said. I have a date Friday night. This one hasn't tried to get me to buy him ITunes giftcards yet. He also isn't a priest. He didn't ask me my bra size. And he is my age. Cautiously optimistic.
Yay for the date with someone who at least sounds decent. He's off to a flying start, anyway, since there's been no mention of gift cards or bras yet. I'm now the one who is reading your posts, just waiting for the next installment because I'm so excited for you. Have a BLAST!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think with FF if you keep responding to him even just calling him out, it looks like your pursuing.
I get that you clicked with him and want to be a friend, but i get the feeling that hes seeing you as a crazy chick that is jumping on every opportunity to get back in touch with him. Its not appealing to him. Even though thats not what you are doing, I would just ignore him for prides sake. Some guys prefer the veronicas over the bettys. He sounds like one of them. His loss.
Ok, since you accidentally posted about your date on another thread, I'll reply here. Thoughts: - second date sounds like a fine idea. If you're still not interested after that, then you can say "sorry, not for me". But I agree with others that if it wasn't an obvious "no way", that it's reasonable to try s second date before making up your mind,
As for that immediate attraction, " one of a kind" relationship - how's that been workin' for you? Yes, it's important to feel attraction for your partner. BUT - some people with broken pickers feel that "immediate attraction" for people who are all wrong for them, or who will be guaranteed to recreate past wounds and abandonment. Some people gravitate unconsciously toward that. So you should give any guy who's not an immediate "no way" a second date and a chance to get to know them better before you decide.
As for OLD vs real life - it's all just a numbers game. You'd be incredibly lucky to hit the jackpot after dating 2, or 5, or 10 people. You need to go on a lot of coffee dates to find someone you're interested in.
Btw - what did you find that you didn't like on his FB page? I don't think it's unreasonable to take a peek (but bear in mind you will start showing up in their "you may know" recommendations and he may know you snooped. ) It would be a nonstarter for me if a guy was of a certain diametrically opposite political persuasion, or displayed racist or misogynistic tendencies on his page.
As for physical attraction - I'll admit I have a fondness for a certain "type". But I've dated men of all physical types (my ex husband actually wasn't "my type" but I found him very attractive once I knew him). Idris Elba would be my ideal but I once had a mad crush on a 5'4" white physicist. So don't limit yourself too much with comparisons to the past or ideas about instant attraction. Just try to get to know who these people are , their values, their interests, their philosophy on life.
I have copied your postings, as I cannot move them around like you would on paper. I will delete them from the other poster's thread. So here are the last two postings that you posted elsewhere:
"I came to post about my date. And I cannot put my feelings into words. So bear with me.
Before we went out, I guess I had my reservations, so I guess I didn't go into it with the best mindset. No red flags, just personality traits that weren't quite a turn on. And I made the mistake of looking him up on FB which painted a picture.
He is ok looking. Conversation was good, although there is something immature about him I can't quite put my finger on. He kept looking me up and down which I thought was weird. He told me I was very attractive. Positives is he knows exactly what it means to date a single mom. He's got a job and his own apartment. He likes hockey, although my rival team. Makes for interesting banter in most cases.
He seems almost to eager to make something work. He clearly doesn't want to be single anymore. He asked me out again, and he kissed me. I don't like the way he kisses. It was my first kiss since FF. Instead of having that giddy feeling, I actually shed some tears on the way home. I think more with disappointment in myself. The sparks aren't flying for me, I don't quite know why. They never really have on an online date. Only when I meet someone the old fashioned way.
It's me, I am messed up, I know I am. I have a standard set, I guess. What exNG and I had was one of a kind. I may never feel that ay again. I know it doesn't work for an actual R due to our other differences, but he will always be the standard on how I want to feel with someone. FF came close. Our connection wasn't as strong as me and exNG, but we had something uniquely special.
I want to feel that with someone. I don't know if it's something I can make happen. I don't even understand why I felt the way I did with this guy. He said it's one of the best OLD he's had.
I think I have a hard time dating someone without kids too. It's a special common bond, if that makes sense. I know FF didn't have any, but there was something about the way he was with his nephew and even D10. He is actually a natural.
I will probably get blasted for going on another date, but I think I should give it a chance. See what was wrong with me last night. Or what's wrong with me all together.
Tonight I am getting together with some of my long time friends. A few of us are still so close, but due to life and the such, we never get to see the others. We are having a girls night with food, drinks, games. This is what my heat is excited for.
Oh, and Juju, the last thing I wanted to come off to FF as desperate and needy. Or even wanting him in anyway. I actually don't even want to be friends with him. I just felt bad and I thought maybe his reaching out in every which way had to od with the tragedy in the fam. But really, it's just a game he plays, and I will not play it anymore. Never going to answer again.
Today would have been our one year anniversary. Which means nothing when you only date for a few months. But I call myself the rainman of dates. Dates always stick in my head, everything that happened on those days, down to what I wore. yet I can't remember a name for life of me, go figure.
And before anyone says anything, my comparisons aren't because I long for these guys of the past. It's the feeling I know I should have with someone else and it's hard to settle for something less. And probably because I do well on my own. So it's got to give me something totally worth it."
And here is DonH's response:
"I don't know that I have a lot but one thing I'm positive of is you are not "Messed Up" - certainly not in the traditional sense of that word. That said, I think some of the dynamic is you - but not in a messed up sense.
I also think you should go out again with him. It just is really too darn hard to tell the first time you meet someone - unless you know there is just no attraction. I've had that. Actually my first OLD way back when - I knew within 60 seconds we were not a match and there was just no way. That's not what you describe here though. I think something is going on with you in part - but it's not to the level of you are broken and messed up.
My other observation is, I wonder if women every feel or say things like you did about this guy about me? I don't want to make this about me though so I'll move off of it quickly. Just to say, that I sometimes think about this and for whatever reason, perhaps I'm sort of a successful perfectionist in other areas of life, that it just kills me to have a woman look at me like you are looking at this guy. So much so I'd rather not pursue or date at all than have someone be put off by my conversation, or how I look at them or how I kiss them. Thing is, deep down, that's not me. I know it's not because of dozens of women in the past. Unless I've changed, they just don't know me well enough yet. Could that be the case with this guy?
Finally, you say, it was no big deal. You were just going to meet him and whatever happens, happens. But then you are researching him on Facebook and building things up. These two don't match. It's one thing to say you are going to do something - or not do something - and another to actually do it. You are saying one thing but doing another. You are trying to make it no big deal and just act as if but then are making it a bigger deal by your actions. I don't know why you are doing this but I do know it's not helping you. It almost seems like no guy has a chance unless he knocks you off your seat and brings up the feelings of the past. If not, he's shot down before he gets started. Yes, you're going to give me a second chance - but are you really?
In some ways I'm the same. Is that why both of us have not had a LTR in 10 plus years while many others have? Are we too ridged, expecting too much? I know for me, I don't know any other way. I can't feel what I don't feel. It may be the same for you. But that also means for both of us, unless we get really, really, really lucky and meet that one in one thousand person we are not going to feel it. There has to be some reason others find a great match on their first OLD try and we can't get a third date after multiple years. It's not you or me 100% but we have to have some level in this.
Not sure if that helps but it's all I've got right now." _________________________ DonH
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think OLD is different in that you are meeting a complete stranger. Unless they are really good at flirting, body language and engaging eye contact and connection (you can learn how to do that on various you tube videos), you are probably not going to feel an instant attraction. IRL dating when you meet someone in school or work or maybe on forums you have time to build up a crush first. I waited 4 dates before i kissed the guy i met on OLD. I didnt know him. And after that i liked the kiss and decided that i wanted to continue romantically. I liked his profile because it was lengthy, showed soneone that wanted a ltr and i got the feeling that he was a LBS and single dad. Soneone like that deserved getting to know. I didnt look him up. But he said he did to me to see if i was telling the truth.
Ginger. I met you and in no way do you come across as a needy or desperate person. I think you are stunning, popular, amd lots of fun. But i know how certain guys are. Especially single, younger ones. (I used to hang out with all my brothers friends amd i have some brutally honest male friends) I think texts like that are not meant to reach out for help in difficult times.
They are actually very disrespectful on his part.
I am glad that you are not going to respond anymore.
