Hello all, this is the first time I have ever posted here. I’m going to try to condense my story. All advice and comments welcome.
H and I have been together since 99, living together since 06, married in 07. We have 4 children (s 9, s 7, s 6, d 4). I worked part time after my first son was born but then was laid off right before my second. My H always expected the house to be clean and tidy since I was a SAHM, but along came my 3rd son and finally my daughter. H was not ok with the way I kept the house and constantly let me know this. He also did not want to have a 4th child and wanted me to return to work, which I didn’t. I can see where I didn’t listen to his needs here but having a daughter was very important to me - which he knew from before we were married. Anyhow, between have 4 small children, nursing constantly, and just some laziness his needs were not met. Financially stresssed to the max he was done, bomb drop April 20166. He said he wasn’t happy since my D was born (although the sun rises for her). His father (who was very hard on my H) died right after she was born. There was no closure for my H.
I discovered EA with his coworker, someone I considered a friend of some sort. She was at our wedding and father in laws funeral. My H has worked with her his whole career but would often tell me she could be mean and wasn’t always liked at work. Also told me he thought she had an affair with their boss. It turned into PA, confirmed in September 2016. I was/is quite the spy/detective and have found out A LOT. It was all so hurtful. Hateful looks and words. He was so mean to me over the past two years, amazingly hurtful words from a man who was so loving just a month before BD. He was the most honest, trustworthy man I ever met.
Since that summer and winter he has stopped hating me. He has been on the couch for months and months and months. Occasionally he comes to bed, has sex, then back on the couch. He has not told me he loves me in two years. It’s almost as if being in the house is enough. He will sometimes buy me a coffee or make me a drink but it isn’t anything more than keeping one foot in the door with the rest of his body out.
At the worst he said that he thought I was stupid, didn’t want to spend time with me, didn’t want to talk to me, lies to me, doesn’t like my mother....along with his reasons for falling out of love for me: house not clean enough for him, financial reasons, parenting differences, not compatible. (A list his AA sponsor made him write that I wasn’t supposed to see; he’s sober over 25 years). He accused me of having an affair years ago, asking if our second son was really his. I have never had an affair. He said there was nothing happy about our anniversary. Said he was miserable all the time, then said it was just when he was with me. I don’t see that angry man anymore but I don’t see my H either. He is just here.
In my defense I had a 6 yo, 4 yo, 3 yo and newborn. He did take on a tremendous amount of work to support us. He would always say he wasn’t a good provider but that was never true and I always told him that. I neglected the relationship by putting the kids first all the time. I would always promise to work my butt off when they were in school but I think with his fathers death, a bankruptcy, not having his needs/wants met....he just lost it. He bought a motorcycle. He fell in love with a women who’s marriage was in the same position as ours, fueling his unhappiness.
His AP pressured him to leave us. They both went to lawyer December 2016. He was planning on leaving in February but my son over heard him and begged him to stay. He did. His sponsor (who is like family to us) told me this. He said my H couldn’t leave the kids. He thinks my H still loves me on some level or at least can fall in love with me again. He said he was swindled by OW. He also said that he thinks PA is over. I know my H doesn’t go to the gym at night to talk to her anymore but he did download WhatsApp so that I don’t see the phone records, something that I busted him on. Quite honestly, I don’t see any suspicious activity except he still buys viagra and keeps it at work. I have no way of knowing. He might talk to her all the time.
Lastly, she applied for another job right before Christmas. When my H found out he called me and told me he was going out with his sponsor after work. (Sponsor told me this). They talked about it and my husband came home, came to bed and held me tight. Spent a nice week for the holiday doing things with our kids, yet nothing between us. I don’t think she’s going to take the job soon new progress visible in my H. I honestly think he’s stuck on her. Definitely emotionally if not physically too.
So I’ve been applying the rules to out relationship for a while now. He does his own laundry. Irons and makes his own lunch. I don’t really start conversations with him. I never text or call him. He has stopped saying hello and goodbye. He seems content enough to stay in the house since I have made a lot of 180s. I work babysitting and took on my own credit card debit. I paid for Christmas. I clean like a mad woman. I don’t think he will be happy with my work until it is a full time job out of the house but my daughter is still only 4. I have one more year until she is in school. When I’m nice to him (not ignoring him) he is nicer but I’ve been trying to detach and distance to see if the pressure/distance dance will change. As of yet it hasn’t.
What do I do? I honestly can’t imagine kissing him again, trusting him again, etc. I am still so hurt over the affair. I don’t see signs of withdrawal or depression. Since the affair might be over physically do I change my behavior? Please advise. I don’t want to divorce the father of my children.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So husband and Active/inactive AP work together, they are both asst principals at a school. For Christmas she bought him 2 dress shirts from Costco. (Her husband, who I talk to, told me). My H never brought them home...until last night. They are hidden in his backpack. Assuming he waited a month so he could slip them in without me questioning.
Last year he bought her a $180 wireless headset for her phone. Her husband made her return them to him saying it was an inappropriate gift. My H stashed it in his closet, which I stumbled on putting his clothes away. When I questioned them he lied and said he bought them for himself. He knows I know about headset, but not shirts.
Incidentally, he came to bed at 2 am last night and initiated sex. It is so cold and meanless. I guess he eitherfelt guilty about the shirts or watched porn and I was available. I have no doubt he will be back on the couch tonight.
I'm not sure that he sounds like a mid-life crisis, but the label is immaterial at this point. He is definitely have an affair, whether it's real or fantasy, he is feeling it.
Let's start with the beginners mindset, have you been focusing on you? Tell us about some 180's you've implemented or are working to implement, what about GAL activities?
As for having sex, doing so is not going to save your marriage, so if it's not something you want, tell him.. Don't feel like doing so is the only way to get him back, because it doesn't even help in getting him back.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Oh boy...where to start. Happily married for 9 years. H expressed some discontentment over the house (wants big one and doesn’t feel like I clean well enough) and children (he only wanted 3) and financial situation (wants me to work full time out of the house) BUT as far as I knew we were perfect together.
Then out of nowhere I discover EA with a women he has worked with for 14 years. She was at our wedding, in our lives, etc but h told me she was having affair with the boss at their job. He never seemed out of the ordinary fond of her but they were friends. Anyhow, BD - I love you but I’m not in love with you - about two years ago. Devastated I did everything they say not to do. He beings to spew, hate darts fly from his eyes all summer long although we are on a rollercoaster ride. He still wants sex, but basically spews at me on most days. I discover PA. He softens a little but PA partner pushes him to leave. He decides he is leaving but never does. Affair continues as does the rollercoaster ride. I think it ended sometime over the past few months although they still work together. He isn’t leaving here but shows no affection except on the nights he wants sex. He is on the couch for months and months.
I have stopped texting him. I have stopped telling him I love him. I have stopped saying much to him. It’s peaceful here.
180s- *the house is now cleaned (a lot of this has to do with the 3 oldest kids are in school now) *i babysit a little boy all day (daughter isn’t in school yet) making decent money *i work some nights and weekends for a tax accountant making some money *i try to declutter, throw and give old toys and stuff away.
There’s so much more but this is the short of it......
The things you listed are good to do for life in general, but what are you improving about yourself? 180's are basically small things that make you who you want to be. For instance, making your bed ever morning, wearing perfume if you didn't before, dressing nicer, etc.
What about GAL, do you have friends that you are doing things with, are you meeting new people, doing new activities?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I go out with my friends. With four kids it is very difficult. I also will be working a job out of the house so that’s something I’m looking forward to. My kids are young and cannot be alone. My life revolves around them, but I do go out. Every time I do my husband wants to have sex. It’s like he is trying to make sure I’m still available.
