Do you think that your husband might have some narcissistic tendencies?
When a parent refuse to care for his kids welfare just to bother the other parent, it shows that parent put his own needs first and it reveals something that shouldn't be ignored. When you are a real loving parent, you don't react that way. Sorry for the 4X4. Sometimes we are trying to convince ourselves and we find whatever we can to justify that our beliefs are right.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
I am sorry you are moving forward with the D. Every LBS hurts for their children. Even I have started to convince myself that the kids will be ok. In the end, it is what it is. Find your happiness. It doesn’t need to include anyone else. Don’t worry about the small things...you won’t remember them years from now. Live in the present and enjoy your children.
(((Sara)))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
PsySara, we have a lot of similarities! My family is also dysfunctional so I can't rely on them for anything. Live-in care isn't a magic solution either. Hopefully though you can get some help somehow...even a daily cleaning lady or something to make life easier. What you're going through is extraordinarily difficult and it's hard to do it alone. I know how it is though because I'm alone and have health problems and don't know how it's going to be when I soon go back to work full-time and have to panic running to the school before it closes and rush home to cook and clean when my daughter really needs me at that time. It would be paradise to have a husband who can do 50/50 to make sure our daughter always has a parent caring for her.
I hope your husband will help out regardless of what happens. At least your kids are growing and will be a bit more self-sufficient in the coming years.
I have an appointment with my lawyer on Tuesday afternoon, let's hope I have the ovaries to carry this through to the end. I cam ehome today, had DD do her HW, started dinner, fed the pets and cleaned up after them and I look at the clock and realize WH is about 2 hour late. I just texted him asking if he was on call and he responds that he's slammed at work and will be likely leaving in 20 mins. This means that 100% of child care falls on me this evening (again) and he didn't even bother to warn me, I didn't know until I texted. It's this kind of thoughtlessness that has me convinced he will remain static.
His default is to just worry about his needs and feelings and everyone else is just a by-thought. He's remained clueless and this week was talking about financial stuff for the year. I've just mmmmhmmmmm'd because I've already told him I was resuming the D and I guess he thinks it was just something I said out of anger. But I am not angry right now, more irritated at his continued selfishness and immaturity. He's done nothing to make himself a better husband to me, he has spurts of being nice and mouthing the words but he is no more trustworthy than he was before. He makes all these promises and has dreams but lacks follow through.
Maybe I am angry.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, if it's any consolation, your husband and your story are the same for many, many other women, especially married to guys from the Middle East / South Asia. The main difference is that you're not willing to settle for it whereas others may choose to suffer silently...
Only you know what's the best for you. It seems obvious that he cares mostly about himself, don't be fool by the crumbs of "caring" he gives you or the kids from time to time.
From previous info you shared with us, living with you is his best financial option at that time, since you are paying for most of the family expenses while he is sending a lot of money abroad. He is saving money and keeping his lifestyle... and having he household done also without having to do anything or paying for it.
Also, he can still play the dotting father while you are in fact doing most of the work. It helps to keep his image intact to others.
He is not taking you seriously about filing because he believes that he still have some power over you (you are totally into him) so you will never do it and also you backed up so many times... sorry for the 4X4. By the way, I totally understand why you threatened to file so many times and didn't do it, because it's such a major decision and you wanted so desperately to save your marriage so whatever words/promises he was saying, you were ready to believe them. If you take the time to reread your threads, you will notice that each time you were ready to walk out, he came with sweet words, promises and changed his behavior for a few days, just to calm you down. That's just plain manipulation, not real change.
Anyway, when you take a decision there is always pros and cons, just see what the best for you and your kids, but keep in mind that the behavior that your husband is modeling is not a healthy one.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
It is difficult to see you in much the same place as the last time I was here... Many share the same sentiments that I have in the past.
I pray that you can step back, see him for what his actions continue to show the world and face the fears that hold you back from taking the actions that you and your family need in order to break out of the hold that he has maintained.
My prayers and thoughts are with you and your children. There is a life of peace and calm in the cards for you you. I pray that you have the courage and strength to make that journey.
((((Sara))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Not much to report, I had to cancel my appointment with the lawyer on Tuesday due to a ton of patients being admitted. Last night WH and I got in an argument where he told me he didn't like me, he hates my personality and he doesn't care that I am hurt and angry over the affair.
Well, ok then.
I will be stopping by my lawyer this week and going full steam ahead. In the past when WH said these things to me it would make me dissolve in tears and sobs. Last night was different, I felt a cold rage and disbelief that I had fought so hard for such a selfish and immature person. My biggest mistake was choosing this @sshole as my children's father. Now they will have a dishonest, lazy and selfish father for the rest of their lives. I will be changing the outline of the custody agreement and going for primary. I don't trust him to be consistent with him, he is infamous for being a super dad but then I end up doing all the work. I don't think he will maintain their education and day-to-day lives if we do 50/50.
At this point I really just want him out of my house so I can move on with my life. I don't see us co-parenting but I will look into parallel parenting.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
(((BIG HUGS))) Your anger is totally justified and he is still trying to push your buttons to see how far he can get away with. He is losing his power/control over you and that's something that you WH cannot stand (see what's happening on HaWho thread). That's the very first time that you are really enforcing any kind of boundaries, he was always able to escape the consequences of his actions/words by being "charming" for a few days...
Be ready for him to get very nasty once you will file, avoid face to face communications, ask him to communicate with you through emails instead of messages, even better through your lawyers. He will try to make you angry, to make you scream, to make your lose your mind, DO NOT FALL for that. Keep it very professional and short, leave the room if necessary. Don't accept any deadlines from him, do only things if you feel like it and after having talked with your lawyer. Keep records of everything, specially in regard of the kids. Take pictures of what you have in the house, copy what you need to copy. Protect your papers from him, get a safe at the bank. Don't tell him what are your intentions ahead of time. Reread your threads to find proofs.
He will try for sure to go for 50/50 so during the divorce proceedings (so he can pressure you to give up on few things or just to be plain mean...) you will have somehow to come up with some kind of temporary child custody arrangements, keep track about when/what he was supposed to do and what happened. Be very careful he is "nice", it means generally that he needs something that he is not to your advantage.
It's going to be tough, but once he will be gone from your house, you will feel more in peace, you won't have to walk on eggshells anymore.
You are stronger and tougher than you think.
You don't know what the future will be, but it seems that you reach a point where you feel you cannot live that way anymore. Trust your guts!
Nobody changes unless forced! Let him face reality and consequences. Be ready for a few tantrums...
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
