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Ju

You know I love you very much and your crazy lively bundlemail of energy.

It is my philosophy to be as clear about my life as how I am as I can.

When I first came here I saw surviving as an oasis of calm on the board and I mistakenly thought when I get there I will be at peace. That isn't my destiny yet. My sitch is so crazy loco and unresolved, sometimes I am up and sometimes in great distress.

That is what I see, abuse patterned complex PTSD leading to periods when I am struggling to stabilise. It is usually fear driven emotionally and leads to anxiety.

Despite lots of therapy there are times when I don't sleep and largely it's because of the fin destruction in my life and failure to sell the big house.

Sleep often eludes me and sleeping tablets have the reverse paradoxical effect on me. So I just ride it out.

Plus I am tired, physically tired of staying just this side of being illiquid, of not having a life. Fed up with constantly being sued for money by the G. It feels like I am on a knife edge. And it seems unfair.

Today, my aged pa, glam sis and I had planned a Manchester United match event. I am overloaded with work.

And truly it's unfair, long working hours just to pay the bills when I should be beginning to enjoy slowing down. Sometimes like now I just resent these unfairnesses and the only place to put that is internally. To punish V, to see her as at fault.

I pick as many holes in her as everyone else put together. It is my stuck point. I want a different view. I want to let go permanently of that awful sense of the inadequate. I want to let go of the pain of not being enough, of seeing life as a struggle.

Sometimes I question why? why such struggles? And others I just go mindful and say soooooo?

I guess I haven't sorted it.

Anger I have glimpse it, briefly a couple of moments only. I would like anger to be my friend, to work with it from a joyous place. To derive energy and drive as the mighty Zues does.

My counsellor says I have so little anger, but my query is why do I have resentment? We labelled my resentment as coming from a place of fear and disgust. That isn't where I want to be.

In the darkest nights of my soul I lost complete connection with my higher spirit, it would not respond to me. I had despair deep dark ugly despair. I felt bereft my own soul had abandoned me and then I let go, it was almost joyous and that connection returned.

Ironically it was a song that brought me back, I was dancing, glam sis had asked me to a party over Xmas. Christmas Eve, she had bought tickets, frankly I wanted to be miserable old scrooge and stay to rest. I went.

This was a salsa jive event so it's partner dancing. A song came on and I was asked to dance, and did a modern jive to a song which just seemed to fit the place I was in perfectly. I lost myself entirely to the dance and music. The song was Kaleida and take me to the river. It is on my playlist.

In that moment the higher spirit held me in its arms and offered great comfort. Not abandoned at all just left to struggle alone. The loss of that great guiding voice for a few months left me empty and very lonely. Left me with little of value to myself and others. I had not understood it had given me space to start to heal. I have learned much in this period of surviving and the big thing is surviving.

We are all alone in the darkest night of the soul or feel we are, but truly that's not so. That night and period is one of deep deep awakening of parts of who we are that have laid dormant or never been awakened. Just to become one and reach to the depths of our being.

I have learned it is OK, just to be, it is OK to have a sense of self. The song I listen to most these days is Strong by LeAnn Rimes.

These songs are the sound track of my life.

My counsellor says it's perfectly possible to fix those things I feel are wrong or in the way. The resistance to not doing so is within me and serves a purpose. I am unsure what that purpose is exactly, but there must be one!

The last 10lbs, removing a scar, fixing other minor physical things. It's like a house that needs repairs, keep the repairs done and it's fine. It's the soul of the house that gives it all it is, losing my higher power was losing that. These physical things are misdirected focus, a distraction for the loss of spirit.

Onwards.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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To be clear today's event of football was booked last September before aged pa was even ill.

Glam sis isn't going either now aged pa is dead.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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RD

The Lady V thing always amused me.

And yes, I have a contained way, so expressing these difficulties are difficult.

Surfer describes me as cool an analytical. More phlegmatic than anything. And a little phyrric in thought and action. Edz maintained I wrote with an English accent. I guess it's true.

More light than heat, seeking to understand. I know what you mean when you perceive others as saying and we don't absorb.

It's part of the feedback loop, it's only recently that the self contained element have sought feedback.

We are a jumble of our own thoughts and actions, a connection of beliefs and misunderstandings. These abusive R isolate us and the voice we hear is only that of the critical.

I often read in newcomers- if only I had been a better W or H, if only I had tidied my closet, served spiral pasta, bought the right bacon. If only I had.......

Over and over, we say to each other, this isn't about you. Nothing you could do would make the wayward unwayward or make the abuser non abusive. All we can control is our boundaries and reactions. At its best that creates an environment for change.
If the other is just walking away then it's very different, we accept that each one of us 100% own the R and following the guides in DB is fantastic. We save ourselves.

From this I have learned that the myth you can love someone well or into best behaviour is untrue. We can assist, we can grow we can become. We take extreme care of ourselves. Always extreme care, no matter what or who we are.

So I ask myself can we love ourselves back to healthy way of being I think we can do so. We can not give what isn't within us. If our core is fine, truly we can become whole again. We can move forward.

I value the mirror reflections of others because it is so easy to only a see a distorted view. Like a circus mirror in a fun fair. I wish the bad guys went around with a big label on them "I am the bad guy" or we had prediction that person will become addicted.

We love who we love, and I have learned love is a choice, we don't have to love indiscriminately. We can choose to love an adult. Choose. That means we can choose to love ourselves too. At least to start with through the eyes of those who love us.

I tell glam sis I love her every day. It is important to me to do so. Do we give ourselves that gift? I am learning my higher power loves me and through me it can reach to comfort and enjoy. So those lovely things you see in me, I am so grateful and thankful.

More than you know dearest RD.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Surfer thank you.

You have the analytic too, the drive to know, the desire to understand. It is unique as a trait.

It comes in detached moments with inspiration and a little intuition. Speak in ways others can here.

It is my dear friend an insight I value. And you are very special too. A man who has grown in so many ways.

It is quite an experience seeing post traumatic growth and actually both envigorating and sort of frightening to go through.

It's like an egg becoming a crysallis, then becoming a caterpillar then becoming a butterfly.

Each phase of awakening gives trouble and frankly I keep resisting it, I sense you won't resist. It has to be, let it. You will see many things and more importantly you will see what you don't know and as a result you will go to search. This doesn't happen to many, post traumatic growth, but it has happened to you. Have you looked at Superbetter, an app aimed at post traumatic growth?

I have used it to ground me and ithe has put so much structure on this phase. That and Zombie running..........

Big hugs and thank you

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Focus I love the metaphor, standing with a paper bag.

Yes it is.

I doubt many would understand if they haven't experienced it. Dear lovely focus, extreme self care, extreme in this phase, look after you.

Peace

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I love what you said in your post about the songs that are in the soundtrack of your life. Music is a big part of my world and I find myself constantly adding songs to my playlist on my phone that speak to me on a deeper level in some way. For instance, in the months following my divorce, the songs that I leaned on most heavily were "Stronger" by Sara Evans and "Ain't Going Out Like That" Reba McEntire. As I was really healing, Eric Church's "Record Year" took over and to this day, that is still one of my favorites and I always say 2015 was MY record year. Now it is songs like "Heart Break" by Lady Antebellum and "Better Without You" by Suzi Oravec. What's that old saying about music soothing the savage beast? I must be much more savage than I thought. LOL

Keep on keeping on Lady V. Something tells me 2018 is going to be a good year for you.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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V,

I didn't look at Superbetter. I am that.

Align your thoughts to your goals is my thing.

I wrote this massive message to you, just now, and realised most of my points had been addressed by others - how good is that!!! Such support.

The one thing I will add, if you don't mind, is I think (possibly) that your set back is not about G so much, but your PA. It would (of course) - its always easier to see from the'outisde' I guess. A new grief cycle but remember Rumi? Grief is just a transient Guest as you know. Be kind (to you) acknowledge. It's hard to, it means letting go.

Your dental work is done. As are your stones. You can move on from these things more readily. As they are physical things.

The hair thing I understand too. I like to put it down to a "magnificent abundance of testosterone" (rather than inherited male pattern baldness).” I can always find a diamond in a bucket of sh!t – ha ha”. I hope that made you smile! It’s making me smile telling you my own little private ‘phrase’! Not quite “When Life gives you lemons (Forrest) make lemonade!” but I like to make myself smile – because I quite like me (now). And you should like and love ‘you’ too!!! So please do, always. Then you won’t fear a new R. But only then. Easily said, but you can and will.

I have similar worries about finances. Not the same, but similar. How will it pan out with the D etc. Where will I be etc? But I will be where I am. It’s that simple and I will make it work. So will you, so try to leave those thoughts. Let Karma deal with that. You are a clever lady, and I am very, very grateful for your help. Just focus on letting go of that. Let the Karma consultant do it for you (he/she is amazing – and never a single invoice!!!). Your wise friend is right on the money. Listen to her. You will need people like her right now until you really deal with PA being elsewhere, but always with you (the latter bit you can only embrace when you accept the former). IMHO.

Finally, the ‘damage’ only persists if you allow it to V. Horse v Rider stuff. Back in the saddle. Giddy up, V has places to go......don't you? Where is next on YOUR adventures......?

Surfer.


M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids
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Dawn

I don't post much but I do have background songs for my life

During my darkest days I got hooked on a song

Limehouse Broken, just can't remember when it came into my life or how but it seemed to capture my mood.

Just recently I had a major accident during my biggest work period. A hit on the head (accident) and the headache hasn't gone.

That was Monday, today I went and had it examined. I have a contusion, minor head crack in the skull and obviously concussion. But I kept on working, even through the bleeding.

But apparently I am a superhealer and it's going to be ok. Although going to do my exercise regime wasn't a good thing to do. It bled a lot and my team said I looked like one of those zombies I run away from, except they don't have blood!

I wanted to ignore it so I did. Work comes first.

Just wanted to share something remarkable, aged pa still looking after me beyond the grave. I got his superhealer gene. So aged pa, I love you for the great genetics you handed to me.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I am so sorry to read of your accident. I am glad you opted to have the injury examined by a doctor. Please be careful with that injury. If the headache doesn't go away, go back to the doctor.

Your dad will always have your back.

Please, please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sweet lady V, please take care of yourself and that bump on your noggin. That is not something to mess around with. Us daddy's girls know that daddies always have our back, even when they aren't physically with us anymore and I KNOW your pa has got you in his ever-watchful eye. Take it easy a bit and let that head wound heal. You are an amazing woman, but you aren't Wonder Woman...you need to take care of your health!

Much love and well wishes from me and the furry four-legged one.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
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