This is why hearing success after being served is critical in keeping hope alive and continue to DB. I am so glad I paid for a coach because Chuck has helped me have positivity.
In my state of California I've read that more than 20% of divorces are never finalized. I've also seen that early in the D process, almost 40% of couples are open to reconciliation. Regardless, after reading your situation, I think you have many 180s to do. You can't control your spouse, but you can control yourself and create the space and distance for him to reevaluate the idea of D.
It sounds like you had an EA? This can be as damaging to a relationship as a PA. Have you apologized to your H?
This is why hearing success after being served is critical in keeping hope alive and continue to DB. I am so glad I paid for a coach because Chuck has helped me have positivity.
In my state of California I've read that more than 20% of divorces are never finalized. I've also seen that early in the D process, almost 40% of couples are open to reconciliation. Regardless, after reading your situation, I think you have many 180s to do. You can't control your spouse, but you can control yourself and create the space and distance for him to reevaluate the idea of D.
It sounds like you had an EA? This can be as damaging to a relationship as a PA. Have you apologized to your H?
It happened 12 years ago and I have literally sat for hours in therapy sessions going over every detail at length. Im saying like hours and hours. I am not condoning or saying that my behavior is/was acceptable but I cant carry this scarlet letter for the rest of my life. It also helps him blame me and not have to continue to do his work on fulling committing and stonewalling all the time which is emotionally damaging. I never contacted the guy after that nor did i miss him in any way. I literally knew him for about three weeks. Nonetheless, I regret it. I want to have hope but I also need to be realistic.
Do you think that there a lot of success stories for those in my situation?
Im sure that there are.
My advice for you is to start being patient. This is not something that will happen quickly, but rather, a long, slow journey. As you look back, you should be able to see all sorts of problems in the old relationship. Now is a time to focus on 'cleaning your side of the street'.
You talk about 'white lies' - now is maybe a time to investigate why you tell you them and how to improve that.
You talk about 'abandonment issues' - how can you better manage those?
Instead of grabbing at crumbs, focus on what you can do to improve yourself. Focus on raising a set of incredible children. Try to let the marriage take a backseat in your brain for a little bit so that you can become healthy again.
It is only then, that you will have a chance at making a lasting re-connection with H anyway.
Thank you. I am working with not only a DB coach but my own personal therapist. These abandonement issues have gotten better throughout the years but creep up from time to time. The patience thing is the hardest in particular when I have the divorce papers in front of me. He is talking to me more and seems more comfortable in initiating conversations. I can only assume its because he filed. He is sad or angry most of the time but then he will discuss things with me that he would not have in the past. Someone asked me if I would contest the divorce in order to get a conciliatory meeting. I am not if anyone has done that but it seems it would do more harm than good. It is a no fault state but I think it is counterproductive. Thoughts?
Someone asked me if I would contest the divorce in order to get a conciliatory meeting. I am not if anyone has done that but it seems it would do more harm than good. It is a no fault state but I think it is counterproductive. Thoughts?
You seem to be scrambling and scratching and clawing to save your marriage right now. I think that is admirable. But I also want to give some perspective.
If I asked you what would be different if you were officially divorced right this instant, what would you say? How different would your actual day to day life be if you were divorced?
My guess is, not that much. I know it wasnt for me. Thats because, at BD, my ex was already essentially divorced from me...emotionally. Sure, there was a piece of paper tying us together legally and financially. But the actual relationship was already dead - I just didnt know it yet.
What that means to you is that instead of trying to save an old relationship which is already dead, your focus should be on preparing to enter a healthy relationship. Going through months of silence and withdrawal isnt healthy for either of you. Now is the time to identify what values you have and what is important to you and ensure that your next relationship is successful! You say you are working with a counselor now and I think that is an excellent step.
Theres no law saying you and H cant reconcile and make a beautiful new relationship from the ashes of the old one. To do that, the first step is to take care of yourself and it sounds like thats what you are trying to do. Keep it up!
Your words bring me comfort. And you certainly right. The old cycle is destructive. There are days where I am strong and then there are days where the struggle is intense. Divorce or no divorce the reality is that we have self destructive behaviors. The changes I have made have been noticed by the way he interacts with me. I can tell he is scared to be divorced by the way he acts. He did tell me a long time ago that he did not want to be divorced but did not know what else to do. I am working on committing to DB skills and improving myself. It is a long hard road.
It just hurts because it makes it so real and the human hopelessness sets in. That is why it is an easy inclination to want to hear stories of those at this juncture find success!!!!!!
