Long story. I have been married for 16 years and we have 3 beautiful D's- 13, 9., 5. 12 years ago I gave someone my phone number but there was no real EA no kissing or anything just in a really bad place. We went to therapy for a while to work on this and our own traumas. Mine is abandonement and he stonewalls. He shuts me out all the time, often for weeks, when he feels unsafe which triggers my abandonement issues. One of my issues has been telling little white lies. They are never anything major but I tend to do it when I begin to feel abandoned. The past three years, every 6 months, he would get triggered and shut down for weeks. No communication until I called the therapist and then I had to drag H in and save our marriage. We have had this cycle every 6-8 months for over 2 years. We have a good friendship and I really love him. This past August he started getting weird about my attendance at the gym. I go with all of his high school friends and I have invited him over and over again. He goes to Crossfit.
I made it a point this past year to be truly transparent with him even if it scared me. I told him a dumb story about someone at the gym and then he heard the story at a party from friends who go to the gym with me. Instead of asking me about it, he shut down. His friends were perplexed because they knew the story and all he had to do was ask to clarify. Then I went over the budget in August and all hell broke loose. He shut down for 8 weeks, I had to contact his brother because I was worried about some of the depression he was displaying. He stated that he couldnt do it anymore and the he felt unsafe. I stated that I did not feel safe either because he always checks out but that I have never tried to divorce him. We went to the therapist to do a trial separation right before Thanksgiving.
He did not want to do a therapeutic separation, just separate. We communicated when he would pick up and drop off the kids but he didnt want to try and date. I had him tracked for a month but there was no activity of other women. I suppose he could have had a one night stand prior to that or an emotional affair which are harder to detect. I asked him several times if he had someone else but he always denied it. Right before Christmas we saw the therapist and he stated that he did not see any hope. We fought and he cried. I tried to get him to do a 3 month trial separation and he got angry. The therapist later told me that he has never really tried and she was sad to see him go this route. He still sees her every 2 weeks but for his own stuff. Two weeks ago he filed and I was served today. I started DBing 2 weeks ago with the help of a coach named Chuck who has been a God send. I have done 180 and I have seen him notice behavioral changes. But he still served me. Chuck gave me pointers on how to approach him which has helped immensely. I talk to Chuck once a week. I feel more in control but of course get moments of desperation when I see my marriage slipping. Any success stories or advice is appreciated. I have read DR twice!!!!
Last edited by Cadet; 01/29/1809:51 AM. Reason: carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am saddened today because I had to go to the notary to officially have the papers served. Coach Chuck advised me to comply with him and do it as soon as I could.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I will do just that! I guess my question is the same question many of us have. When will they wake up!! I know I cannot control what he does but it is so heartbreaking. This is why hearing success after being served is critical in keeping hope alive and continue to DB. I am so glad I paid for a coach because Chuck has helped me have positivity.
This forum is great because it keeps some hope alive as well as camaraderie. The success stories after spouse files is what keeps me motivated as well as investing in DB Coach. Has anyone ever used Chuck?
I am pleased to see you feel positive about the coaching experience. I'm currently being coached by Joann so I can't compare but she has been very helpful and reassure as well even helping me write a letter to my W sentence by sentence to ensure I'm doing the right thing. My last struggle puts me with my back against the wall (see latest post of mine). It helps that others on the forums are supportive because almost everybody is going (or has gone) through the same pain..
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
I just saw your posts and that must be devastating!! Do you know if she is still actively seeing the OM? Gosh DBing can be so difficult in particular when they want stuff. I had to go to the bank today with WAS to get the papers notarized. He kept bothering me about it so I had to. It is hard to see my whole life basically on paper. Chuck has been extremely patient and helped open my eyes to things that I was not seeing. What I am curious about is knowing how many were successful in saving their marriages at this stage. I know that it is individual but it always helps add hope.
