Sara, You must be exhausted. From the outside it seems like you need paid help in the evenings and more help in general. Perhaps your husband isn't reacting to your changes not because he doesn't notice but because he's depressed or unhappy in this stage of life and doesn't know what to do about it. Perhaps you can work on showing empathy to him and validating how you think he must be feeling. It's so hard to know what your day-to-day interactions with him are like. If you describe them in more detail then maybe we can comment, but even then we're only reacting to your side of the story.
There's always the chance that your husband is having another affair, but hopefully not. Maybe he's ashamed of how he's acted in the marriage and doesn't know how to express himself.
It doesn't seem like divorce is the answer. That's what I raised to my husband after I was sure there was no hope and now that's what he wants, and now I don't want it. I never wanted a divorce. Maybe you need a separation for a while. Or, maybe you need to do more to show your husband that he's worth fighting for. Maybe you need to encourage him more. Flatter him, tell him how great he is for every little thing he's done.
I guess you've tried all that already, right? I just don't know, but you at least need to be separated before you can feel that divorce is what you want.
Sara, You must be exhausted. From the outside it seems like you need paid help in the evenings and more help in general. Perhaps your husband isn't reacting to your changes not because he doesn't notice but because he's depressed or unhappy in this stage of life and doesn't know what to do about it. Perhaps you can work on showing empathy to him and validating how you think he must be feeling. It's so hard to know what your day-to-day interactions with him are like. If you describe them in more detail then maybe we can comment, but even then we're only reacting to your side of the story...
I guess you've tried all that already, right? I just don't know, but you at least need to be separated before you can feel that divorce is what you want.
Sara has done everything as far as working on herself... she has gone above and beyond in her efforts to relate to her H... she has demonstrated forgiveness, she has validated... she has given H the benefit of the doubt... she has looked passed H's cruel and painful behaviors toward her... it is so much more than the original A... there is that--yes... but it's all the thoughtless, unreasonable, unkind actions he has thwarted toward her since the A... he only responds in any positive way when she has determined to leave him... this has happened a few times in the last year and a half...
it's to where we can all see it coming... she decides to walk away for her own sanity, well-being, serenity... he suddenly realizes the error of his ways... he proposes that she put off the D so he can show her he really wants to be married to her and is willing to provide her with what she needs... he makes a few token changes for a short time... she continues to be a wife that only a fool would leave... eventually, he falls back to his usual ways where he is not there for her emotionally, physically, spiritually... she experiences great angst--tries to grasp at why she isn't enough for him...
those of us who have been following her sitch can see the cycle... we can see that it's not her--at all... what she is living from cycle to cycle would be enough to drive any right-minded person insane... she would benefit from doing something entirely different...
Own-It's suggestion is brilliant, in my opinion... if provides a way for PsySara to move on without giving up on the marriage... it provides a way for her to let H do the work, the heavy lifting before coming back into the MR, something that she has not required of him thus far...
PsySara--i feel for you... i sense that you are in a place of where you are running out of mental resources... i know you want more than anything to keep your family intact... perhaps going about it a new way (Own-It's offering) where you can keep yourself mentally, physically and spiritually healthy, will give you a better chance at not only the life you want, but a better life in general... please don't stop sharing here...
I am heading out to run some errands so I will address the suggestion of separation. In the past I asked WH to leave the home and find an apartment or whatever. He flatly refused, his response was, "This is my home too until the divorce is finalized. I won't be looking for any place to stay until it's court ordered."
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I think I'm done. Tonight WH basically told me I have to ask permission to even talk to him. We were discussing the care of the dogs eye stains and I was starting to tell him how I was about to try a new technique. He told me he didn't even ask and I basically talk too much. This was after an entire day of barely talking. It's fairly clear to me he doesn't respect me, he doesn't even care if he hurts my feelings. I wouldn't treat a stranger on the street with as much contempt and apathy as he treats me. I think I've turned every stone and it's time we had the D Talk tonight. I've given it my all and I don't even like being near him anymore. I dread coming home and find reasons to put it off. I find excuses to be in another room than him. Frankly if he's cheating again it would only give me relief as it would just emboldened my decision.
I don't fear single parenting anymore. I do fear the repercussions on my children as I cannot turn back time and find them a good example of a husband and father. It's time, I will call my lawyer tomorrow and have her re-start the process of D. I tried and unfortunately will not be a successful DBer. It's my baby's 2nd birthday today and I've just felt lonely and sad remembering his birth 2 years ago. WH was in the room but cold and barely talked to me, even when pushing he would not hold my hand. What a despicable @sshole.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sounds like it's time to let go. He's not making any semblance of an effort, and really, who needs to walk on eggshells all the time around a perpetually irritated person?
Sure, continue with the divorce. He has proven multiple times that his words mean next to nothing. As a matter of fact they usually indicate the opposite of what's likely to occur. I have reached critical mass and there is really nothing that will convince me at this point he is recoverable. He will be wayward his entire life, even if it's not cheating it will be always trying to get away with bare minimum so he can have a maid, bill payer and child care provider. I guess I have become a walk-away, but unlike other walk-aways I've tried everything under the sun to save a marriage he burned to the ground. He does not show me even the slightest signs of caring or respect. I know I can do better and I am sick to death of waiting for him to even reach 10% of what I need in a partner.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
PsySara, I'm so sad and sorry to hear it's come to this. You've been through so much. It's understandable that you've reached the end-of-the-rope. I was hoping so badly that there'd be a breakthrough for you. I still haven't been able to read all your threads but I see Artista's response above saying how you've tried everything under the sun. I really wonder what's wrong with your husband. It's so sad when we look around and see all the happy and loving couples with their happy kids and wonder why we can't have that? I hope you do have it though with a new and wonderful man who worships you and loves your kids. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and duaa's.
