Newbie In Need Of Guidance

[rminer]

MUCH clearer on what you mean. Thank you.

I just have to act like I am at work...

,,,I can do that.

[sandi2]

I wish I could give you the link, but I don't think it would be hard to find on line.

Being the man at home like the man you are at work........is difficult for me to say, since I obviously can't observe you on the job. However, if you are in a position of authority, then you may be able to identify areas at home where you are lacking. Another reason I wanted you to pursue the subject of the Alpha male vs the Beta Male in the MR, is b/c the writers can break it down and speak more plainly about how women are sexually attracted and their response to their Alpha H........especially in intimate ways. It will be worth the read! I wish every man on the board would read it, whether or not they think they are already Alphas.

[rminer]

Ok, so I think I may have royally F'd things up.

Last night I was waiting for my W so we could leave for my youngest son's meeting.  She came to put her shoes on and announced "I'm going to drive and drop you off because I have to go meet someone somewhere else."  She didn't say who, so I assumed it was the OM.  She said she was dropping us at the school and then going to a church. 

In my quest to assert dominance,  I said that I would drive and drop her off.  She asked why, I said because that's what I want to do. She again asked why,  I said "because that's my decision."   She said "Your decision. You are such an ass," and said that always had to make things harder. 

From what she said, it would make more sense for me to drop her at the church first since it was on the way to the school. She meant that she needed to go to the school and we were going to the church.

As we started driving she started in again about me driving and was getting loud.  I told her she didnt need to yell or get upset with me, just talk to me.  She said that she was mad at me for many reasons. I asked if she would care to share,  she said "Not right now I wouldn't. "

She then started in with "you love me so much, you sure are proving it.  You haven't text me in a week. You couldn't even make it three weeks texting me."  I said all you would give me were one word answers, so I took that as you not wanting me to."  "Yeah" was her reply.

Once we got the church things escalated.  We get there and that's when I find out that the meeting is actually there and she was going to the school.  I told her we could drop him off and I could take her.  My heels were dug in at this point and all I was thinking was that I needed to stand my ground, but it really did make more sense for her to take the car. She was sceaming at me "why are you doing this?" Over and over and refused to get out of the car.  I mean b@tsh!t crazy screaming.  I remained calm and spoke at a normal leve the whole time. I have never seen her like this in 33 years. 

Because my son was in the car and he did not need to see this, I relented and let her take the car.

On the way home, there were not many words between us.  We spoke to our son and when we did speak, it was about his meeting.  I tried to act as if nothing happened and appeared happy and positive.  

When we got to our road, which is dirt, she slowed down and avoided the potholes where the pavement meets the dirt.  I thanked her for going slowly over them.  She replied "I'm mad at you, not your car."  I busted out laughing. I mean rolling.  It was hilarious.   I could see her smiling and laughing a bit  (probably at me).   A minute or two later, still finding it funny, I stated chuckling again.  She said "you're going to miss me when I'm gone."

A few hours later she was lying on the bed playing with her phone.  I went in and closed the door.  I told her the reason I dug my heels in is that I was offended that told me that she was taking my car instead of asking and that I understood her to say that she had to go to the church.   She insisted that she asked if she could and that she said she had to go to the school not the church.  That is not what she said originally.

I apologized for the misunderstanding and said that we should have taken a little more time to talk about it. (She has a bad habit of throwing things at me last second).  She said that she tried, but I wouldn't listen to her and all I did was get mad at her.  I told her I was never mad, just offended and that I'm trying. Overall, she was blaming me and having none of my explanation.  

She went in to the kitchen to get dinner for my youngest son and started chirping about it again.  I said "Ok, I'm going to start a fire." (We heat with wood) and left the room. 

My oldest daughter saw this part and lipped to me "She's F@!%ing crazy!" More on this in another post. Things are worse between my kid and W than I imagined.

After I started the fire, I went to my Daughters' room to tell them something and ended up being in there over an hour talking.  I'm sure that ticked my W off even more.  She had a scowl on her face the rest of the night, but did manage to say goodnight to me when I said goodnight.

So, how bad did I screw this up? As I said, I have never seen her this angry

[rminer]

I wish I could give you the link, but I don't think it would be hard to find on line.

I've found a few things.

Being the man at home like the man you are at work........is difficult for me to say, since I obviously can't observe you on the job. However, if you are in a position of authority, then you may be able to identify areas at home where you are lacking.

I am and my employees will.walk through fire for me.

Another reason I wanted you to pursue the subject of the Alpha male vs the Beta Male in the MR, is b/c the writers can break it down and speak more plainly about how women are sexually attracted and their response to their Alpha H........especially in intimate ways. It will be worth the read!

I'm sure it will be, anything intake is a looking way off at this point.

[MoveFrwd]

Why do you think it is coming soon? Are you sure it's not more you wanting to "do something"?

Of course I want to do something. I say this because of a few things she has said.

Before I came to this site and was trying to get her to talk, she said it was "too sad to do before Christmas." She also said on another day that "She didn't want to give me false hope." At one point I told her I wasn't giving up on "us." Her reply was simply "we'll see."

The way she was raging yesterday may be all part of the process, but it sure felt as though there was another message behind it.

And as I mentioned, today I see that she has a "friend" on Facebook who is a divorce lawyer. I never noticed that "friend" before.

I want to make sure I'm not caught off guard if the conversation comes and make it go as well as possible.

Maybe Im misreading, but I want you to try to remember that choosing to "Do Nothing" IS doing something.

What Im saying is that you can and should certainly go out and figure out your rights and understand what ramifications a divorce would have on you, your finances, your family, etc.

But you should not do anything involving HER with the information you learn, with the things you saw while snooping, etc.

Be ready, be prepared, keep reading, keep learning and GAL. Those are doing SOMETHING, even if it isnt immediately and directly related to your sitch.

[LH19]

R,

That's the problem with still living together and the A being a secret. She is looking for any reason to be pi$$ed off at you so she can justify having an A.

Could you imagine how you would feel right now if you didn't know about the A.

I'll say it again, sometimes things have to get worse before they can get any better.

[rminer]

That's the problem with still living together and the A being a secret. She is looking for any reason to be pi$$ed off at you so she can justify having an A.

And boy, is she ever.

Iquote=LH19]I'll say it again, sometimes things have to get worse before they can get any better. [/quote]

I think the storm is just getting going...

[Kilo]

I was a K9 handler and trainer in the Army for 10 years and I recently had some self reflection with this.

Long story short... I had to medically retire (injuries from deployments) but i did not want to. I was extremely well know, respected and loved my job.

Once I got out and my wife went back to work... I had a really hard time. I went from getting out of the house, being in charge of everyone around me and being saught out for help to being Mr. Dad. 3 kids, 7,5,3.

I got really depressed (other factors as well) but in general, I didn't like who I was anymore and it was a massive change.

After my wife DB, thru C and some inner reflection I realized that I was NOT a person anyone would want to be around. My negativity cloud spilled out to everyone around me. My wife used to say... " how can you be such a good dog handler... And so bad at being a husband" (rightfully so at times).

I changed my mind set and started structure my days as a stay at home spouse, like I was back in the Army.
I wrote down daily goals and weekly goals
Kept myself in check for doing house work and keeping a good home.

I've been scouring this forum for a bit now and just recently started posting and haven't got my sitch out... But I thought I would share some things that helped me be the same person at home and work.

[sandi2]

Ok, so I think I may have royally F'd things up.

Last night I was waiting for my W so we could leave for my youngest son's meeting.  She came to put her shoes on and announced "I'm going to drive and drop you off because I have to go meet someone somewhere else."  She didn't say who, so I assumed it was the OM.  She said she was dropping us at the school and then going to a church. 

A perfect example of her taking the dominate position. This is exactly what you should be saying to her. Not her saying it to you. Get it? Look at how she stated it. She was in charge, and giving you no real information or details about her business.

In my quest to assert dominance,  I said that I would drive and drop her off.  She asked why, I said because that's what I want to do. She again asked why,  I said "because that's my decision."   She said "Your decision. You are such an ass," and said that always had to make things harder. 

It was an immediate power struggle. The battle was on! And, unfortunately, she won, b/c she is much better at this than you.

As we started driving she started in again about me driving and was getting loud.  I told her she didnt need to yell or get upset with me, just talk to me.  She said that she was mad at me for many reasons. I asked if she would care to share,  she said "Not right now I wouldn't. "

Okay, let me point out a couple of things.......so you can learn from your mistakes. First, you should not tolerate her yelling at you in front of your son. That should be a boundary. Never tolerate your W showing disrespect toward you in front of others......especially your children. They learn from watching you. Your son needs to know how to deal with a horsey, b'itchy WW.........least he becomes another Beta male.

The second mistake in the above quote is that instead of putting her in her in her place (Libbers will love this!) you invited your disrespecting W to just share with you. Not very Alpha.

She then started in with "you love me so much, you sure are proving it.  You haven't text me in a week. You couldn't even make it three weeks texting me."  I said all you would give me were one word answers, so I took that as you not wanting me to."  "Yeah" was her reply.

More of the same........and all in front of your son.

Once we got the church things escalated.  We get there and that's when I find out that the meeting is actually there and she was going to the school.  I told her we could drop him off and I could take her.  My heels were dug in at this point and all I was thinking was that I needed to stand my ground, but it really did make more sense for her to take the car. She was sceaming at me "why are you doing this?" Over and over and refused to get out of the car.  I mean b@tsh!t crazy screaming.  I remained calm and spoke at a normal leve the whole time. I have never seen her like this in 33 years

Her heels were dug in deeper than yours. She is very wayward, and she is showing the fruits of what has been building over the years. Perhaps you failed to see it in the past b/c you always handed the reigns to her, and it had to get this dramatic to open your eyes.

Because my son was in the car and he did not need to see this, I relented and let her take the car.

OMG! I don't know which was worse, him seeing this behavior played out before him......or his dad relenting to it.

On the way home, there were not many words between us.  We spoke to our son and when we did speak, it was about his meeting.  I tried to act as if nothing happened and appeared happy and positive.  

Great, now he thinks this is suppose to be normal behavior between spouses..........or else both his parents are wacko.

When we got to our road, which is dirt, she slowed down and avoided the potholes where the pavement meets the dirt.  I thanked her for going slowly over them. 

Um......no! Sounds too much like, "I'll play extra nice now, so maybe you won't be so mad at me". The woman made meatloaf out of you.....in front of your son, and now you are like some little junior high school girl saying, "Oh, thanks ever so much for not knocking the bottom out of the car".

She replied "I'm mad at you, not your car."  I busted out laughing. I mean rolling.  It was hilarious.   I could see her smiling and laughing a bit  (probably at me).   A minute or two later, still finding it funny, I stated chuckling again.  She said "you're going to miss me when I'm gone."

Seriously?! It is not funny, whatsoever. She acted horrible earlier and now everyone will just have a laugh and forget about it?

A few hours later she was lying on the bed playing with her phone.  I went in and closed the door.  I told her the reason I dug my heels in is that I was offended that told me that she was taking my car instead of asking and that I understood her to say that she had to go to the church.   She insisted that she asked if she could and that she said she had to go to the school not the church.  That is not what she said originally.

Oh Lordy, Lordy! Beta, Beta, Beta. You should have been telling her that you will not be disrespected in front of your son ever again. And then tell her what to expect if she EVER tries to pull that stunt again.

I apologized for the misunderstanding and said that we should have taken a little more time to talk about it.

Noooooooooo............please tell me you did not apologize!

I told her I was never mad, just offended and that I'm trying

.

Why.......why.......why???

Overall, she was blaming me and having none of my explanation.  

Exactly! You should not have been apologizing and explaining how hurt you were and how you are trying, etc., etc. Why were you defending yourself? That's what nice-guys do. They explain and explain, b/c they want to make up with the W. But the problem is that she is the one who is wrong. She is the wayward! Can you see how this was you staying in the submission role, b/c it feels more comfortable to you. And, she still comes out being in the dominating position.

So, how bad did I screw this up? As I said, I have never seen her this angry

Here's the thing. This was not just a one time scr@w up. This has been a pattern in your marriage relationship. She has you on trial, and you are knocking yourself out to prove to her what a good H you can be. But as long as she is in the dominating position, you will never be the H she truly desires.

I hope you will see that I was not trying to shred you apart, but use your post to demonstrate what I have recently tried to explain. It really is a perfect example of Beta behavior, and what not to do with a WW.

I think you need to do a lot of studying about the nice guy syndrome, and the Alpha vs Beta males. You really need to grasp it, and not use it as some technique. It makes me so sad to think that you believed you were making the right moves, and that you truely couldn't see your mistakes. Or......could you? You knew you f'cked up, but did you know how? Were you assuming you messed up....b/c the night ended with your WW still pi$$ed at you? Was that the determining factor?

[Kilo]

"you invited your disrespecting W to just share with you. Not very Alpha"

Wow, I'm bot trying to jack your thread but there are so many similarities in my life. After the BD, I find it hard to 'stand my ground' and be okay with conflict.