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Originally Posted By: Joe2017
I feel very defeated. I feel like I've lost at DBing. I have been good at executing my DBing. Consistent. I've upgraded myself quite a bit in only two months. But a MR requires two people. She's not on board in the least. And she is being a terror to our family.


Have you improved yourself? Have you learned to be a better partner and spouse? If you have started along the road of self-improvement, then I think you have not lost at DBing. It does take two people to make a MR work. The point of DBing is to create the space and atmosphere where the WAW wants to try. I agree with the others that two months is a short time. Don't get too down on yourself.


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Yeah FC... You're absolutely right! I have done so well with DB that WW has even told me that now I'm what she wanted me to be before BD. LOL... Oh well.

I am about to voluntarily separate. It does feel like a defeat. However, I am choosing to put myself and S16 in a better environment. By doing that I'm actually succeeding. I will be free from the face to face gaslighting, projection, mind games, and physical danger.

I'm torn between feeling relief and great sadness. Either way, I'm moving forward with this for S16's sake, and S14 too.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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Well. It's done. Incredibly tough to do. Had a talk with WW and left the road clear and paved. I feel I have established a bright light house for not only WW but even more importantly for S14.

I will continue GAL and maintain the 180s I've made.

I am having bouts of intense sadness because I miss W. Unfortunately WW has replaced her and the woman I love only lives on in my memories and my heart. There is no guarantee that she will ever return. This is the saddest I've ever felt in my life, but I am dealing with it very well.

I dropped the rope in the most unexpected way for me... The realization that what I'm leaving behind are memories of a W that has more or less "passed away" has really given me comfort and some closure. I can not bring back "the dead" any more than I can snap WW back into reality. I don't even know who WW is.

In the end, I had to make this decision in order to protect my kids. I am good with my decision. I am strong and I am capable of finding happiness. Life goes on, and it's the life that I've been making through GAL.

I won't ever let anyone do this to me again.

I'd like to say a sincere thank you to my DB family here. You have all made my life bearable, survivable, and inspired me to make my life even better. I am not leaving, but I will probably not be as active as I have been lately because I want to take some time to myself to heal as much as possible.

I'll post from time to time if any substantial changes in my sitch happen, and to check on some of you whom I've become fond of.

Thanks again. Keep fighting the good fight.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
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I am sorry that it had come to this Joe but hopefully now you can find some peace. Best of luck and keep those shoulders back with your head held high!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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I think you've done a great job. I wish you the very best of luck and look forward to updates.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
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filed 7/16
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Joe,

Great job.

Onward and forward!!!!!


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Quick update. I've been away from home for several days now. After a particularly rough weekend, I feel somewhat better today. I have some peace now. I'm still DBing and GALing my tail off. I have been consistent and enjoying it.

I've had to start enforcing my NC rules again. WW is picking up the temp checks in TM and phone calls. However, the emails I've been sending regarding business transactions have gone unanswered. It is frustrating. She is trying to hang onto the last threads of this rope, but I'm gone. It would take a monumental effort on her part to get me back now.

She's still not in her right mind. She is still spordically incoherent and has made mention of mental breakdowns she's been having at work. I can't understand how she hasn't crashed and burned yet. She has abandoned all her old friends, me, and S16. She is making this new life but she's miserable in it.

It's pathetic and sad. I feel so sorry for her, but I am no longer her friend or support system.

I can't have anything to do with her anymore. She's a completely different person now, and it's so sad. I feel awful for S14. I wish I could rescue him.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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Originally Posted By: Joe2017
Quick update. I've been away from home for several days now. After a particularly rough weekend, I feel somewhat better today. I have some peace now. I'm still DBing and GALing my tail off. I have been consistent and enjoying it.

I've had to start enforcing my NC rules again. WW is picking up the temp checks in TM and phone calls. However, the emails I've been sending regarding business transactions have gone unanswered. It is frustrating. She is trying to hang onto the last threads of this rope, but I'm gone. It would take a monumental effort on her part to get me back now.

She's still not in her right mind. She is still spordically incoherent and has made mention of mental breakdowns she's been having at work. I can't understand how she hasn't crashed and burned yet. She has abandoned all her old friends, me, and S16. She is making this new life but she's miserable in it.

It's pathetic and sad. I feel so sorry for her, but I am no longer her friend or support system.

I can't have anything to do with her anymore. She's a completely different person now, and it's so sad. I feel awful for S14. I wish I could rescue him.



Joe, I have not followed your entire story, but I did go back and read your original posting. It looks like that was just 2 months ago, Dec 2017? With BD just a month prior? So you are basically ~3 months out from everything after being Married for 5 years and together for 6? That seems very quick to say it is over. From what I have read, many people need to work for at least 1 month per month of the relationship before they start to see changes. Again, every stitch is different, it just surprises me how quickly your story went. Either way, keep focusing on you as that is all you can control!


Me: 28
W: 28
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Married: 3 years
ILYBIDLY: 11/2/17
She moved out: 11/15/17
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Well, several things you're missing. She actually filed 1 week after BD.

I tried to work on an in house S but that went horrible due to her constant gaslighting, abuse, triangulation, and putting our kids in the middle of it all. She would call OM and leave his gifts around the house for me and the kids to see and hear. No respect from her for anyone else, even her own son.

I did a bang up job of boundaries and general DB. GALed like crazy, kept my 180s. Set hard hard boundaries. Did everything I was supposed to do. But once she started to manipulate our kids to get under my skin and gaslight me, I had enough. She crossed the line there so I left.

Am I done? Yeah. There's nothing left for me in my MR. It's over, and my W is not who I married.

Am I over this? No. Would I recon at this point... Maybe if I felt that the WW fog had been lifted.

I had to step away from her. I did it with dignity, poise, honor, and class. I'm not ashamed of this any longer. I had to protect the kids from her abuse.

It was a calculated decision.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
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The one I am most concerned with is S14. Is there anything that can be done?

What does L say?

There was another Joe here who managed to save his SS and his SD, as well as his joint children with WW. That was because WW crossed state lines though and it was going to be very disruptive.

Would you have S14 live with you if you could?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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