This a short version of detaching, by a former board member.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow S to be who he/she "really is" rather than who I "want him/her to be."
IF & WHEN THESE ^^^ FACTORS ARE ADDRESSED, -
We could have a great friendship, or a great marriage. And those are treasures.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi coping. Reading some other forums similar to your situation is a good thing to do too. So, you can learn from s.o. else’s mistakes and avoid yours.
My W’s also texting and calling OM in front of me. If I interfere there will be an agument. If I let her, she will become a lovely W after she’s done whatever to OM.
Your W’s being nice to you doesn’t mean she is reconsidering(not now). She want to keep you and OM both. She will act like this as long as you and OM let her. She wants OM but she is not ready to lose you. And nothing you can do about it, whatever you’re trying to do will only make thing worse. “Detach” is the keyword. You have to let her experience life w/o you. Pull yourself out.
I can’t kick my W out because it is her family house. So, I will move to condo near by in a couple days. I hope it will help me detach easier. By seeing her texting or calling him and doing nothing is not healthy for me.
H43/W43/OM52 M15 w/D14 Live & work together/ OM oversea. EA: Feb,17 PA: Apr,17 (10days/Apr,3wks/Jul,twice a wk/Sep,3days/Feb18) OM away, WW ended A/ wants reconcile, Me being pursued.
Our relationship lately has been very good.. we’re talking and communicating better than we have for a very long time. This past weekend felt like maybe we were heading in a positive direction. We had family game night, we laughed and joked and I thought there was hope.
Then tonight, we were talking and the OM texted her, she read it in front of me and told me his wife might be contacting me. Apparently he just now told his wife that he was still seeing mine. That got us into a very involved conversation that ended with her telling me that she loved him. I looked into her eyes, and realized it was true, and that she didn’t love me anymore and that any chance of a reconciliation was dead in the water.
I’ve realized this past month that I wasn’t viewing the big picture, that I was only hearing and seeing what I wanted and ignoring the rest. I always held out some hope that there was a chance, but I don’t feel that hope any more. As much as I tried to do 180s and detach, that feeling of hope still burned, dim at times and very brightly at others.
I’m numb right now, but also relieved (????) that hope is gone. It’ll get me to closure faster, I guess.
I have a somewhat similar situation in a few ways. I have been scouring the DB site for a week now and have read DB and DR already. Im sure you've seen those referenced here. I don't have much to offer, other than encouragement. It can be sssoooo hard to do some of the 180 techniques when you just want love from your partner. Stick to the sound guidance from everyone here and keep your head up...
"Be the hero of your life's movie" -One of a few quotes that's helped me. Especially late at night and I want to text my wife just to hear from her.
Stay strong brother. Good luck to you and your girls.
I woke up today feeling some of the same relief that I felt last night, but also a crushing sadness that the hope was gone. All that was going through my mind was memories of the good times, and how our nuclear family will no longer be that. Also, that I have been replaced in her heart.
I know what my head is saying, that I'm foolish to feel this way, that her dumb ass cheated and fell in love with this guy in only a few months time and do I really want this person back in my life. But it's my heart that is leading the charge here and I need to find a way to have it sync up with my head.
Being around her right now seems like a very bad idea, but our D's don't know about any of this and I don't want anything to seem different to them right now as I work my way through this. The wife doesn't show any remorse and acts like a weight's been lifted off her shoulders, meanwhile I would have a hell of a time not showing the hurt right now.
Apologies for the outpouring of grief here, but I'm hoping for some support / advice as to what to do next.
I'm going to double down on what Cadet stated. I can't even imagine the hurt that must come with your wife reading that text and telling you that. One thing is obvious, she is going to take that path and there isn't a dang thing you can do about it.
You need to mentally divorce yourself from her (detach), stop worrying about her and focus on yourself and your kids. Also, if the OMW contacts you, I would politely recuse yourself from any further discussion or contact. You cannot detach from your WW if you are all caught up in her business.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coping, I'm sorry for your sitch. I'm stunned by how insensitive your W is, reading that text right in front of you.
What would OMW have to say to you? Like, "So our spouses are cheating on us..." I just don't see where the convo could go. Now if OMW wanted to contact your W, that I could see happening.
Your W has shut down her heart as far as you're concerned. That's not to say a door couldn't ever open in the future. But now is the time for you.
One thing to understand about detaching is that it's a process, not a step. It's more important to say "I'm detaching" than to be able to proclaim "I AM DETACHED". So don't beat yourself up for not being "fully detached" - give yourself time.
I know you feel like you have some closure because you know about the OM, but this is all so fresh for you. Hope is a tricky thing, and you really have no way of knowing if and when it will go away. Don't rush it.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Thanks Holding, I'm definitely realizing that detachment is a process. Certainly hasn't been easy!
Yeah, the W is so caught up in her fantasyland that she could care less if I or my daughters see her texting him. She thinks she's being careful but is anything but!
And I don't intend on speaking to the OMW at all. Nothing in it for me.
