This much I know is true

[MoveFrwd]

You also seem to have her on a pedestal.

Blu - you are right. I certainly did. Now, I can see all of the things that you described. I was mostly detailing how I felt during our relationship. I know better than go back down that road.

Thanks for continuing to keep me honest!

[BluWave]

Well, to be honest myself, I am not just trying to keep you honest. I have my own feelings and reasons surrounding your sitch. I doubt I'll ever know for sure tho.

You certainly are an asset to this board. I enjoy your posts, questions, and how you get others to think deeper.

Blu

[25yearsmlc]

- Think long and hard before outing A... In my case, I immediately posted text messages between OM and WW on my and WW Facebook pages. I was angry and wanted revenge. It took me about 3 minutes to realize that it was a bad idea and told my WW so she could delete the post.


FWIW, I cannot imagine a scenario in which outing the A would help the LBSer.

1) It rarely helps to create a reconciliation or at least one that lasts, b/c shame was the tool forming the basis of the recon. Spouses are not shamed into staying in a marriage, for long.

And 2) only a few states allow adultery as grounds for D, but even when it's grounds for D, it does not affect property settlement and it's not needed for CS issues.

(I'm not talking about protecting our children from a WAS who open ML in front of the kids, or exposes them to too much intimate "turmoil" with OPs.). BTW, Outing the affair is generally not part of MWD's approach.

This is not to say we should ever cover or lie for our spouse to have an affair.

Let me emphasize that for clarity. I am not supporting that any LBSer covers for her spouse's affair(s). Or enable them.


Had I not done that, I truly believe my current reconciliation would not be happening.

I totally agree.

If you want to out the AP to their spouse, is that gonna free up both AP's to be with each other? I only told one person, and that was only so that I had someone to talk to, which I needed. But I assured their secrecy before telling.


YES it tends to push them into each others' arms. And I think we have to tell someone, so we don't explode. "Losing our $hit" is not helping anyone.

When outing the A pushes the WAS into the arms of the AP, they can be "right" about the affair- and not cave into the shame that is usually the aim of the outing. Maybe not consciously, but hey, I really do understand the urge to lash out. The sense of betrayal would be literally sickening.

You are wise to note the risk. I think there are many short lived 2nd m's that were the result of feeling so embarrassed and publicly humiliated by the exposure of their affair, that the WAS felt their only choice was to marry the AP. To prove that they were not bad people to cheat, but b/c they "really loved/needed" the AP.

I know 2 who admitted that they felt cornered into marrying the Affair Partners. Strange, when you contemplate it.

Stand your ground with boundaries - Letting WS knowing what is and what is not ok with you is critical. My sitch turned the corner when I clearly stated what I was not ok with and what the consequences would be, it was the first time that my WW reacted to anything I said.

I think this^^ is part of all healthy piecing. Probably all healthy r's when you think about it.

[MoveFrwd]

Im coming up on three years since BD, and I was thinking last night about some of the things Ive learned over the course of this journey. In some ways, it feels like only yesterday and in others, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I changed my user name this morning. My last name, Kaizen, was a Japanese word that means 'continual improvement'. I like that term as it's a reminder not to 'get complacent'. That if you stay where you are, you are really moving backwards. It was a helpful reminder to me to continue moving forward, to continue becoming the person I want to be. The new name is an acronym for "A man only a fool would leave." Im by no means suggesting that the path of continual improvement is finished. Instead, I want to remind myself of the journey Ive taken and the progress Ive made. Its about remembering the positives while also continuing to grow. I know it will be a pain in the butt for people to quote and remember, but for me, it's a healthy reminder.

Some of the thoughts I had last night about where I was and where I am now.....

One place where I feel like Ive really grown is in what I think Sandi calls 'acting like a man'. Looking back, I can see many ways in which I acted so very beta. Im not suggesting that every situation calls for hitting things with sticks or yelling, but rather that I have confidence in making decisions for myself and/or the family, that I am willing to try new things, that I can be a provider and a caretaker and so on. I remember needing my parents help to even do a moderately simple task like hanging a picture on the wall. I think it was fear of disappointing my ex or of the failure that I would feel in case there was an issue, but Ive learned that I AM capable of doing things even if there are mistakes along the way.

Another area is acting more like an equal part of a relationship. I remember my ex had many extracurricular night time activities related to her job. And on top of those, she would have other lunch or afternoon outings. Meanwhile, I never went out because either I was watching the kid(s) or when she was home, I would want to spend time with her. My life centered around the family and the home completely, and I totally lost my identity in that. Ive come to learn the value of doing things by and for myself and also in encouraging my new partner to do things by and for HERself. I remember when my ex would go out constantly watching the clock and waiting for her to come home like a sad puppy. I can see now how that isnt attractive at all on a regular basis.

I can also see how bad I was at listening. I would have a conversation with my ex about whatever was bothering and spend the whole time trying to help her that I wasnt really being of any use to her. I am sure that what she wanted was for me to listen and help her with her own thoughts vs trying to show that I could solve her problems for her. Rather than asking questions to help her decide the best actions, I think I subconsciously wanted to prove that I could do things better than she could. Ive learned a lot about validation and about listening actively.

Im sure theres more, but those were my thoughts yesterday. I was feeling proud of my progress towards becoming AMOAFWL, so I wanted to share some thoughts.

[MoveFrwd]

Didnt realize/remember I had threads in multiple forums. Meant to post this one here!

Watched "The Last Five Years" last night. A musical of young love found and then lost. It opened with this song that I found to be touching and reminded me strongly of where Ive been.

Still Hurting
Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie's decided it's time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he's building upon
And I'm still hurting

Jamie arrived at the end of the line
Jamie's convinced that the problems are mine
Jamie is probably feeling just fine
And I'm still hurting

What about lies, Jamie?
What about things
That you swore to be true
What about you, Jamie
What about you

Jamie is sure something wonderful died
Jamie decides it's his right to decide
Jamie's got secrets he doesn't confide
And I'm still hurting

Go and hide and run away
Run away, run and find something better
Go and ride the sun away
Run away like it's simple
Like it's right...

Give me a day, Jamie
Bring back the lies
Hang them back on the wall
Maybe I'd see
How you could be
So certain that we
Had no chance at all

Jamie is over and where can I turn?
Covered with scars I did nothing to earn
Maybe there's somewhere a lesson to learn
But that wouldn't change the fact
That wouldn't speed the time
Once the foundation's cracked
And I'm
Still hurting

[EastTN]

Thanks for that. And thanks for everything you do here.

[DblDown]

Another area is acting more like an equal part of a relationship. I remember my ex had many extracurricular night time activities related to her job. And on top of those, she would have other lunch or afternoon outings. Meanwhile, I never went out because either I was watching the kid(s) or when she was home, I would want to spend time with her. My life centered around the family and the home completely, and I totally lost my identity in that.

This struck a chord with me, as it's how I used to act before BD. Like you, I realised this wasn't attractive in anyway. In some strange way, I'm thankful for the situation I'm in as it's allowed me to think about the person I want to become.

[MoveFrwd]

Well, I feel like it's time to give an update to my sitch. Im not sure what Ive shared where, but here are the basics.

3/2015 I got the BD/ILYBNILWY speech after 10 years of marriage. We separated in 4/2015 and divorced officially in 11/2015. I have two kids in elementary school. I came here around the time we separated and tried to do the best I could with respect of DB. Unfortunately, my ex wife found herself here and was a "step ahead' the whole time. Had things played out differently, maybe some of these techniques would have worked, but she felt manipulated, tricked, and hurt by the information here. In any case, she married OM in 2016.

In November, 2015, I made a difficult decision to begin dating again. I was not really looking for anything serious and kind of was just dabbling with meeting people online to help me regain my confidence and to meet people. Somehow, I lucked in to meeting an incredible woman the 4th time I decided to meet up with someone. Im not sure how much of those postings remain on the site, but it was a hard transition for me to learn to be with someone new. I was extremely lucky that she was patient with me and allowed me the time to work though whatever residual feelings and hangups I had relating to my XW. While our relationship moved fairly quickly, all things considered, I have since spent a long time kind of 'waiting' to make sure that I was with the "right" person instead of just settling for "a" person. In June, 2018, we were engaged. I know she was waiting/expecting for such an occasion a lot earlier, but I felt I owed it to myself and to my kids to make sure that this was going to be a lasting relationship and not just something for convenience. We were married a week and a half ago and I couldnt be more happy and excited about our present and our future.

I just wanted to let everyone know how much this site has meant to me over the years. While Ive probbly posted more information than I should have many times, the advice here has been candid and has helped me to look at my life, my interactions, my thoughts, my reactions and so on in a completely different way. While it wasnt effective in saving my last marriage, I believe that the lessons Ive learned will save THIS marriage. In fact, my first book after getting married is the 7 principles for making marriage work by Gottman

I plan to continue to post here as much as I can. Sometimes, the constant sadness in reading new situations brings me down, but I feel like the sense of community is so valuable that I want to continue to pass on whatever information I can. So thank you again for all of your support!

[BluWave]

Congratulations on your marriage. You are certainly a great success story! You also offer a lot of sound/logical advice to posters. You are much appreciated around here!

Blu

[Hurt213]

What an inspirational read, it gives me hope for the future that is awaiting around the corner.

Congratulations on your wedding - I wish you and your family all the very best for the future .