Yup, I tunes giftcards. I did F with him for like a minute, but really, I don't have the time or patience. I have been at this on and off for years with zero success The farthest I ever made it was to a third date. I even got a date out of speed dating once, but that is also the farthest. When I told my IC, she asked me if I have anything worded a certain way in my profile that might attract the crazies. Nope, not at all. I am really happy you have had an early so far positive experience. You really, truly deserve them. You are deserving and worthy of the time and attention of a guy who is a good fit. Please, never convince yourself otherwise.
What an as$! He picked the wrong girl. I feel badly that there are women who may fall for this. I just dont get people.
My friend, I am thinking that you should take a break from the online thing. I know there are people who have met nice men on there. And I am not saying to never go back to that. I am just saying that I think you need to do something different for a little bit.
Not sure what that is yet... but I am thinking. I do like the idea of dancing but I know that isnt something you can do right now.
Is there something you always wanted to learn and can take an adult learning class? There are meetups that are geared towards different age groups. You should check them out. You can put in things you are interested in and they will show you meetups that are geared towards that.
Think outside the box some. There is someone out there worthy of you... I know that deep in my heart. You are something special and he has to be, too.
I know the funk you are in..I am kind of in a deep one, too. Suckks doesnt it?
I just wanted to say that you should be so proud of yourself, sweetie. Getting your degree, going through surgery, raising an amazing girl and battling thru some unfortunate relationship crap. And you just keep digging in...and not allowing it all to change who you are or stop you from fighting.
Just one thing, G. Do something completely different. As I am writing this I realize I should take my own advice..LOL!
Was talking with Linda yesterday. When the weather gets a little warmer we need to get to Brooklyn and get out eat on.
Love you, my friend. I am always over here rooting you on.
Hi UR. You are right. I need to take a step away from this online dating thing. It is just not working for ME. I can't even look at a profile anymore wondering if I am being scammed. The losers on there are killing me.
We must be on the same wavelength. I know I have to do something so totally completely Different. I just don't know what yet. I have been searching and searching meetup groups in my area. Nothing really, except in the city, during the week. I have been looking for a local book club, can't even kind that. I have to keep trying though. My restrictive schedule doesn't help. Meeting a guy would be a bonus, I just need an activity. I am bored. Not bored in the sense of raising my kid or maintaining a household. Bored that I do nothing that really stimulates me anymore. I had D10 Friday night, and from Saturday night on I have been alone. I read a book and got takeout sushi. Sure, it's not bad when you aren't alone all the time. Sunday I was finally highly productive conquering a bunch of household tasks. Even went to a yoga class. I am just stumped.
My IC thinks if I need anything to change my life, it's a new job. From that I would be more stimulated, meet more people, as in new friends, and perhaps a date. I went out with a friend thursday night. Other relationships in my life are drastically changing and I need to cultivate new ones.
I went to get out and do new things. But most things I am interested in aren't activities for one.
I am so sorry UR, that you are in a dark hole like I am . I can't seem to dig myself out although I am trying like heck. There is nothing I would love more than to go eat Brooklyn with you and Linda. Two of my sweetest, most genuine friends:)
So, on a different subject, being my ex and my daughter......
She still expresses much frustration about her father being mean to her. She told me he swears at her, and he said he would stop after he wrote him the letter (over a year ago) but he is still mean. She doesn't want to talk to him because she is "scared" And I know what she means by scared is that he won't listen and she will be ignored. I know that all so well, because I lived my life that way with him. I hurt for her. I don't know how to make this better. She loves him so much, she does have good times with him, but he just doesn't know how to control himself. He has no patience for things not going the way he thinks they should. He gets mean and nasty when they don't.
This conversation was sparked by D10 seeing a car pulled over. She says "daddy drives like a maniac and he never gets pulled over and when he does, his badge gets him out of it" This I also know to be true. She said " Daddy never gets in trouble" I also know this to be true. my ex and his father never suffer consequences. Except for that one time they both had DWI's within 3 months of each other.......I took this as a teaching moment to tell her that poor behavior more often that not leads to consequences, just because your dad doesn't have any, doesn't mean nobody does.
I also made a joke to her that when she goes to the Maroon 5 concert to give Adam Levine my number (she said they have super close tickets) She said "Mom, he has a wife and a child!" At the very least, my daughter knows right from wrong.
And one last interesting observation. She got a 50% on a math quiz and was beside herself. She actually cried. I wasn't mad, I know sometimes she psyches herself out. She had a math test 2 days later and got a 96%. She knows her math better than I do. I had asked her if dad asks about her grades, or if she tells them to him. She said "no, why would I? What is he going to do?"
I parent alone. We don't coparent. He babysits. For the 10 years of her life, it's been just me.
But hey, him and OW are taking her ice skating today!
I can't remember G, is your daughter seeing a councilor? I'm thinking no as she in general seems very well adjusted and very healthy. The concern is the damage he is inflicting. Now, it's not like battering or abuse like putting her in the corner for six hours or something, but it is writing on the slate of who she is and will become. It will make her not want to stand up to some people in the future. It will make her chose a man like her D. This is just how these things go. Is there any potential that a third party (not you) could help her address this with her dad? From what you've written over the years he doesn't seem like a really bad person and loves his D. I don't think deep down he wants to hurt D - he just doesn't know what he's doing. I can't help but think and certainly would hope that if a C sat down with the two of them and helped D get through to ex how bad she feels and what he is doing, it would at least lessen if not stop. It would also teach her a great life lesson that it is healthy to stand up for yourself and tell people if they are hurting you. This could be huge for her.
The fact that he is in law enforcement - whether a cop on the street, or corrections officer, a court officer, a special enforcement sector, whatever, many are cut from the same mold. This is not to disparage law enforcement, they just often have very similar traits - not unlike other professions. It's also why the D rate is so high for this profession. There is nothing you can do other than understand the mindset of this sector.
Finally on the OLD, you just sort of got back into it but for you, myself and many others, it just really does not work well, does it. Is there anything wrong with still "dabbling in it" - probably not. You may just have to widen your eyes on it. You evidently figured this latest guy out but not after writing here how you were nearly positive he was NOT catfishing or scamming you. I think you wanted to believe but you still figured it out. On the plus side you seem to be out there - at least more than some are. You are out with friends, you are out with people, out with your daughter. Look how you met the guy at the bar. Sure, it didn't work out, but he's just one of the 20 guys you need to meet before finding one to stick with. There was no harm there. It just was not a match - nothing wrong with that.
You could be dating someone right now if you wanted to. I'm sure of it. The problem is, you would not be interested in the guy. Right? We all have people who would date us but we don't feel the spark with them. You will also be entering a period where D starts to really spread her wings. She will not want to be with mom all the time. She will be with friends, she will, not too far down the road, go on a date with a guy and get her drivers license. It won't always be this way.
It's all about timing. You are doing so many things right, you just now need the timing to happen. It will. It really will - especially at your age. I know you feel like you are getting older but you are still very young, pretty, in decent shape, smart. You do have it going on. Many guys don't measure up to you and you don't have interest in them. Others may not be a match even if he is for you. It's a matter of time when it all comes together. Don't give up!
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
My daughter is not seeing a counselor. She has seen one in the past where she expressed her feelings regarding her dad and she wanted to talk with him in the presence of the therapist. He refused. We got in an argument. He hates therapists and doesn't want to be "blamed" So that went no where. She knows she can speak to me about anything and I also communicate with my therapist and she helps give me strategies. She loves her dad, she still wants to go there, so as long as she does, I am not going too much. I teach her what he does is not an OK way to handle things. It isn't something she should accept from any guy whoever comes into her life (also because mommy will kick his arse). She can't chose her dad, though. I know he loves her, but he only knows what he has learned. He is also so extremely close-minded and ignorant, that he believes things only as he sees them and when they aren't his way, or he is actually in the wrong, he cannot accept it.
Which brings me to the insanity of what he did. He wrote "Dad's" on the tag of D10's jeans. I couldn't believe it. What if a friend sees that? How embarrassing for her! He confronted him, and his answer was "OMG, Annoying" Her clothes are her clothes. These are the jeans he swore I had, but I know I returned. Well, it turns out they were in his house the whole time, but that place is a disorganized pig sty.
No matter how positive I try to be, I am seriously crawling out of skin these days. I can't stand the isolation. It's work (which is quite awful right now)home, sit on couch alone after D10 goes to bed. My physical therapy is the highlight of my week, where I talk to other adults and my never going to happen crush. But I am going to the surgeon today, and who knows, it might be over. I am just loosing my goddamn mind. I have never so intellectually and emotionally bored in my life. I am busy as in I am always running to appointments and taking care of the household. But is so freaking lonely, I cannot even begin to explain. This is a new territory for me in this journey. At least last year I had the gym and my new friends. Then I began dating FF and that was great while it lasted. But this is not good.
Don, thank you for the kind words. I think the frustrating thing is I feel like I am doing everything right and getting absolutely no where, but going backwards instead. My D is at the point now where she happy hanging with mom, but much rather hang with a friend. I wish I could provide her even with family and cousins, but I can't. But when she gets the offer to be with a friend, she is there. And that's what I want for her.
I hope to god it comes together soon before I end up in the loony bin. H@ll, at least I get group therapy and arts and crafts time there.
Last edited by job; 01/17/1809:59 AM. Reason: edited a word
D10 stayed with exSIL yesterday because she had a snowday. When I picked her up, she says "Mommy, auntie said we could come to her Superbowl party!" So she is standing right there and invites me and says you guys are more than welcome, but I'm sorry she put you on the spot. I said yes on the spot, because I didn't have plans. She says it's a big bash.
I asked D10 in the car how the invite came about. She said she was talking to her dad that she wishes she could go to her aunts superbowl party because it is so much fun. He said if you and mommy aren't doing anything, you can come. Then he said Your mom could come to, let me just ask your aunt. Which he obviously did and she said yes.
So it turns out I am attending a party with ex and OW. The upside? I am hoping my exSIL's husband has some cute single friends there.
Reading that makes my stomach turn.. There is no doubt I believe being detached enough to do that really makes life better (especially when kids involved), but I'm not strong enough to do that yet (if ever). I hope you go, I hope you have an amazing time.. and I love that it's not so "weird" for your daughter that she didn't feel the need to warn you before inviting you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Trust me, it wasn't always like this. I didn't meet OWW until after they were married, a little over 2 years later. I couldn't do it. Luckily I was detached enough by then. I had to make a decision for my D, considering this has ben her position since the beginning of her life she needs to see people who can be in the same room with no animosity. And it has been 10 years, so my detachment is there. I can put aside my personal hurt long enough for my daughter to feel comfortable. My D10 even made a mention last night about how she has never seen me and her father fight in front of her and she knows a lot of divorced parents do that. I am glad I can make her comfortable. It is what always makes me think of taking a bullet for my child. This is my bullet. What I do is not the norm though. ANd thank you, I will have fun, and hope to meet some cute guys, haha!
Journaling:
Yesterday and this morning was really an assault to me. I found out the job I have had my application under review for since Oct, well, those 2 positions have been filled. The possibility is all that gets me through my work days, and that is now gone. The other position where they were checking to see if they can make it a lateral move paywise, well, I came to work this AM to find out it isn't. I am back to square one. I am truly so defeated right now. No matter how hard I try to fix things, I can't. There are always forces against me and I would like to just catch an ounce of luck, but I can't.
I am just sitting at my desk trying to stop the tears from welling up.
