Still surviving

[Surv1ve]

Which is essentially, "I am going to cheat, you can't stop me, and you're not allowed to be upset about it."

[Surv1ve]

So, it's day 3 for me of, "What is the point of all this." The "I just don't care" sprang forth with H gave me his usual 2-second hug before I went to worth. Just the... really? What's what we have here? That is the affection you can show me?

It is our regularly scheduled night out together. He occasionally uses the word date and I avoid naming it anything at all. I'm not sure how to engage. Do I try to tap into my love for him, buried somewhere? Do I give him this "meh" face? Part of me is tempted just to cancel as that would surely shake him up. I have no idea how to engage with him. Anyone have any advice in the next 2 hours before I have to go home and look at him?

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} cuz you seem like you could use one today

I would take a very deep breathe, go for a brisk walk outside, then go home and have the night out.

Think long term. Fake it till you make it today. You haven't made any decisions yet, so I think doing what has been working is the order of the day. Then if at all possible, see if you can have some down/alone time over the weekend to sort out what's going on with you.

Hope this helps xoxoxo

[Surv1ve]

Thanks butterfly. I'm also so sad about it, but confused and frightened too.

I know it's only 3 days, and that's probably no big deal and I don't have to make any permanent decisions today. But, I have never felt like I just don't care before. I have felt fed up when I don't think I can't any more hurt or harm or abuse.

There has been no recent event though. So to feel this way makes me afraid that I am about to "give up" which might be a relief but also probably means my family is done.

For people who gave up and called it quits, how did it switch from hopeful LBS to all-done LBS.

[bttrfly]

Could also be depression

[OwnIt]

Hope this doesn't trigger anyone. If hearing about death bothers you, please stop reading.

My beloved dad died of cancer about 17 years ago. It was a brutal cancer. There was a brutal surgery. He suffered hugely 2 years, but then when he went it was quick and sudden. I came out of a class and my H had our one year old daughter and said we need to leave this second. It's dad. I knew.

We drove 4 hours and got there just as they took him off life support. The other family left because they had been there earlier. H and I stayed.

My dad began to take agonal breaths. I won't say much more except that this is a sound you never want to hear. They become further and further apart until the person is dead. Between each one you think, that's it, it's over, but then a part of you prays that it won't be.

I think this is how you stop caring. How you give up. How you throw in the towel. You accept the reality. You see the death, you hear it, you feel it. But it isn't swift, even when it is. And those moments between the agonal breaths make you agonize about whether you want it to end or not.

Your feelings will probably cycle back. You will probably care again. But then you will hear another agonal breath. Either the patient will make it or he won't, but you will feel the life and the death every moment until the end is the inescapable reality.

What is one of the greatest joys of my life? That I was there, that I held his hand, that I cried with him as he left this earth.

[Surv1ve]

Copied from my personal journal...

I told him all the things.

About literally feeling myself un-attach after a 2-second hug because I'm tired of that being the limit of physical affection. About exhaustion. About the woman with the dorm room husband who has gone batsh*t and mean and is monstering again. About the terror of whatever is shifting in my gut and knowing that I need to let it run his course.

He sort of knew. He said, "You didn't want to go out with me or be near me, which means you have no hope of getting what you need from me. You're trying to decide if I am going in the acquaintance bucket. And, if you do, are we roommates? Do we get another house?"

And, I just let it all out, unfiltered, incredible aching sadness, no hope of anything he might say in response. I am not looking for anything from him, and anything he gives me is just designed to keep me here, nice and safe for him, while he goes off into the mountains with this figurative stick on his back. I mean, do I want him to talk me out of it or give me hope? Actually, no. I'm tired of hoping. And, his crumbs.

I told him that the mid life crisis is 2 to 7 years and I don't think I have it in me. That people who come back the relationship before the mid life crisis is done just do it again, a few years later, and worse. The march of the Penguins. That I can't endure another monster period. I can't endure another life turns upside down on a dime. That I love him and I know he loves me, but I am tired of living with someone who is terrified of showing me love. That I deserve so much more than this.

He said, "I can't rush it. I have to go through at my own pace. And, realistically, I will probably monster again. From what I've read, it's part of the process."

He seemed sad and resigned. He thanked me for telling him, because he wants to know rather than imagining all the worst things.

And, I still believe we were heading for this the moment we met. And, it isn't really his fault though he's accountable. And none of that means I can endure any longer, that I have to, or that I have much less in my tank.

So, I am going to go to the grocery store and buy food to make and cry. And let this unfold, whatever it is. Gut, I am listening.

[Surv1ve]

Ownit, I keep re-reading your story about your dad. I can't decide how to hold my dad's hand as he dies in this situation, but I want you to know that it moved me. Thank you.

[OwnIt]

Survive, I can tell you first-hand that it keeps coming back until they get through and it takes a very long time. I never realized it until I wrote that post to you, but I have been holding his hand through this death of our marriage and his crisis and consoling him while I have largely ignored my own grief and my own needs. Ultimately, I think I am doing it so I have no regrets later on because I fear for him where his life is heading based on what I have read and what he has done. I have no regrets with my dad, but then again he did not choose to leave me and he did not leave me for someone (or a series of someone) else.

You are a very progressive and evolved person. It seems that you're built for there to be multiple "someones" in your life and you expect that as your reality. I think you are more in touch with your own needs and wants than your average person. Based on that, it is completely understandable that you would be able to view this decision in a more detached way and would be able to reach a place of self-healing faster than a lot of us old fashioned, romantic-leaning, fixers.

You have every right to be done here. You have endeavored to do the right thing and support him through his crisis. He also seems far more in touch with his feelings than others. He will likely weather the storm and deal with the wreckage better than most as a result. Also, his OW (in this case EX/OM) has been in his life a long time and he knows what that picture is going to look like for him.

My guess is that you will be able to pull off the proverbial friendship following breakup. That all of you will be enlightened and forward-looking and decent.

That's really a wonderful picture if it frees you from a place you don't want to wait anymore.

I hope that if you do go there, you will still stop in and tell us how you are doing and what you have learned. You have so many things to teach.

[Coly23]

Hey Surv1ve, sorry you are having a tough time recently. I am glad you gad that frank and honest talk with your H. It is good that you can both talk about your feelings and I think you are lucky in a way that your H, as OwnIt mentioned, is very much in touch with his feelings.

I was interested in your comments about him 'monstering' again in the future and him validating. I thought this was the case if they do not go through all the 'stages' to the end and you try and reconcile to early? None of us knows what the future holds and I would say you need to be careful that you don't make this a self fulfilling prophecy. If you do reconcile at least if it happens again you will be better equipped to deal with the fallout and you know that you are strong enough to get through it.

(((Surv1ve)))