Living in the Present, only Looking Forward

[focus22]

I agree with both V and Trumpet.

It IS inappropriate if STBX brought a boyfriend. For sure.

But given the choice between trying to control them and remaining emotionally invested and just shrugging it off, I'd go with shrugging it off.

In my heart and mind my wife died 3 years ago. The person she became is just a stranger to me. An extra in the movie of my life. She doesn't have a name and I certainly don't care what she does with her body or free time. She is one of about 4 billion girls I have nothing to do with.

Fake it til you make it.

Yes, to all of this.

And that's how I try and think of my STBXH as well...like he's dead. He is in a way - dead - the person that I knew. Replaced perhaps by a shell that bears a bit of a resemblance to STBXH. But what's inside of him? That's just really weird, not the person I knew. So he's dead in my eyes. And that makes it easier for me to live my life now, today.

And the faking it part...yes also. Fake it not as a 'you on steroids' type faking it. But faking it in a detached, zen, non-reacting type of faking it. That gives you more space in your mind and in your soul for you to just be.

Occasionally I slip back into my old ways, and I can **feel** it. And, I tell you, it feels downright **weird**. I've been faking it for so long now, that what started off as a massive effort and alien to me now feels like the new normal and easy.

Taking that principle, I'm going to apply it to other parts of myself, because experience tells me it works.

Dating? I did go on a few dates. But not with the intention of being with someone, it was more with the intention of practicing getting into the mindset of going out, meeting someone that wasn't my H, chatting with them and maybe even flirting with them a little as well. Even just that felt very, very weird. I wasn't sure I was entirely comfortable with it, it also felt confusing and I did feel a little out of my depth as well. A lot of stuff to be dealing with and processing, for sure.

It all takes time, my friend. Time to feel, absurd those feelings, think about them (or process them in some way of you're not a thinking kind).

I hope this has been of help and use in some way.

[Coconut]

Coconut
My understand is that you are entitled to confidentiality.
Do you have an L?
V

We are doing a dissolution of M, in FL It’s $400, we had to fill out paperwork stating that we have split all assets and debts to satisfaction, we have no children together and we both agree that the M is irreconcilable. No lawyers, no fighting for support, etc. We just have to appear together at a hearing and each state that the M is irreconcilable and the Judge signs off on the divorce. I don’t know if the hearing is open to the public or not.

The opposite of love is indifference.
Why should it matter if she brings OM or not? He was never the threat to the marriage - her level of commitment was.
Let go of the anger - she will need to face the consequences of her actions as she lives the rest of her life. I know, easier said than done.

Your absolutely right, although I feel like it would really be disrespecting me, as it should be obvious that I don’t want him involved in this, but in the long run I guess it really doesn’t matter. But thinking about it objectively, I think Ginger is right and she won’t bring him.

I agree with both V and Trumpet.
It IS inappropriate if STBX brought a boyfriend. For sure.
But given the choice between trying to control them and remaining emotionally invested and just shrugging it off, I'd go with shrugging it off.

Agreed

Dating? I did go on a few dates. But not with the intention of being with someone, it was more with the intention of practicing getting into the mindset of going out, meeting someone that wasn't my H, chatting with them and maybe even flirting with them a little as well. Even just that felt very, very weird. I wasn't sure I was entirely comfortable with it, it also felt confusing and I did feel a little out of my depth as well. A lot of stuff to be dealing with and processing, for sure.

Wow, I haven’t starting writing about my feelings in posting on a online dating site, but this is along the line of what I’m thinking about it. I work in an office alone, I had a co-worker who shared the office, but she went out due to medical 7 months ago and I’ve been alone in my office since, I see at most 2 people in a day and most days it’s just me. I don’t know anyone in my town that I “hang out” with, most of my communication on a daily basis is by phone and/or text, although I travel frequently to be around friends on the weekends. I want to start becoming social on a daily basis, have someone to meet up for a meal, movie, fair, whatever. I posted the profile in hopes of just meeting people, becoming social again, and building a network of friends. I haven’t reached out to anyone on the dating site, but had one that reached out to me, but so far she seems a little more in need of attention than what I am ready to give to one person. I’ll talk more on that after the D is done.


Thank you all for your input/support, it really helps to get others input to help me remain grounded. I'm in a good state of mind right now, flying out in a couple of hours.

[Ginger1]

Yes, it would be disrespectful. But I have got to say, in my many years on these boards, and the many OP person involved, no one has ever brought their new significant other to their divorce. It believe it is strongly advised against.

I get where you are coming from on the needing some adult interaction. Most of my interaction during the week is with my 10 year old, who is cool as heck, but I need adults! My were moved in our office and I sit where I can't really talk to my coworkers anymore. Dating isn't the only way to make friends though. I am not saying don't date. I joined a gym which was kind of like the idea of crossfit, but not crossfit last year. The same group met at the same time 5 days a week. I made new friends (and an ex boyfriend, hahaha. Volunteering will also open you up to a whole new bunch of people. I hear volunteering for habitat for humanity is a great experience.

You'll meet new people. Good luck, I will be praying everything goes smoothly.

[Vanilla]

In FL it's confidential I googled it.

And OP are members of the public. However she may be entitled to a litigant friend. But that will need to be stated before the hearing.

FL court procedures are available, I understand court staff can answer your question directly.

V

[DonH]

V are you saying that the divorce proceeding in Florida court is closed to the public? If so,mwhere are you getting this information as it does not appear to be accurate. In fact even the divorce settlement is a public record. For a filing fee anyone can obtain the actual settlement in a Florida divorce including financial information. Only under very rare circumstances is a court hearing sealed or private. Our courts are open. Certainly some pre trial or hearing meetings, negotiations and arbitration hearings are often not open to the public but the final court hearing and decision is. Our courts are an open process.

[focus22]

...one that reached out to me, but so far she seems a little more in need of attention than what I am ready to give to one person. I’ll talk more on that after the D is done.

And one of the excellent things that I've discovered about this whole process is that you can work on defining exactly what it is that **you** want in your life

[Vanilla]

No I am not saying it's not public record

What I am saying that from the precedent rules only certain peeps are allowed into certain hearings.

V

[Vanilla]

As I understand it this isn't a final trial, but a settlement hearing.

The court officials will advise which hearings are open to the public. But even a member of the public can't sit with the ex unless it's pre approved.

I just read the judicial precedent process on hearings.

Like anyone can do so.

V

[Ginger1]

I went to court for my divorce. Not a trial, probably didn't even have to go, but I didn't have counsel advising me. It's a whole bunch of cases in one day, the court is wide open to the public. Which was pretty embarrassing as I couldn't stop crying and the baliff had to bring me tissues (true story)Thank God it actually only took 2 minutes of court time, then they are on to the next.

Coconut- I hope it only took 2 quick minutes for you two and everything went smoothly.

[Coconut]

I wrote detailed info in Newcomers, but basically it wasn't a trial, just a hearing to finalize the divorce. I'm not sure if it was open to the public, they checked everyone in and we waited outside until everyone was there before letting us enter the court room, but they didn't check who was going in when they did let us in. My ex's mother went with her, and she went into the courtroom, so I'm assuming it was open to public. But no personal information was discussed and we just had to answer a few questions.