I dip in and out of here at the moment, I have had so much on my mind, once again standing at a crossroads turning in circles, I needed to make a committed decision as to what I want to do; stay put in my comfort safety place or leave on a new adventure.
After having a couple of emotional meltdowns I have finally decided to move, start a new adventure and hopefully discover better times and happiness along the way. I have had a quote from a relocation company and whilst it is expensive it comes in around the same cost as I can do it on my own but it removes the hassle factor for me. I will be leaving at Easter and road trip as planned for a couple of months before baseing myself at s23 house (they have a sleepout so I will be self contained) so I can find work and a home.
So the first hurdle has been jumped, next one will be telling my boss I have decided to leave and not take the new role, this hurdle I am not looking forward to jumping!
S23 and his g/friend are back from their holiday, whilst they were away they sold their house which is a great relief to them both, they complete on both houses 5th February, so I wont confirm my relocation booking until then.
S21 visited me for Christmas, it was lovely to have him home for a few days, it made me see how much I have missed the noise and chaos that he brings lol. He and g/friend moved in to their own flat yesterday which they are very excited about.
Both s21 and g/f spoke about h while they were visiting. The said he is really quiet these days and lives like a pauper as he is paying off all his debts as quick as he can. G/f told me he is much more tolerant of s21 these days and quickly apologizes and tries to smooth things over when there is an argument. She said as far as she is aware, there is no evidence of someone else in his life, or that there has been since he left after BD2. Both of them asked about h contacting me, s21 said he gets the impression h is very confused when it comes to me, which is probably why he contacted last year.
I had not heard from h since beginning of Dec, I was a little surprised I did not get any well wishes over the festive season, but thinking about it he probably didn't feel it appropriate to wish me a "happy" anything haha. Yesterday was s21 21st Birthday, I received an email from h early am, it was a really sweet email, which makes this situation so much the sadder.
He started off by joking that we have made it, our youngest now being 21. He wrote a really amusing bit which made me smile and then he wrote:
"Seriously,as I doubt he will say thank you for actually doing the hard work.Being a single mum for the first part of his life and not once killing him should have been nationally recognized as a feat of supreme tolerance."
S21 was the most challenging baby, he stopped sleeping during the day at 6 weeks old, screamed all the time (this ended up to be due to a reflux problem so was struggling with stomach acid build up, poor baby), projectile vomiting and did not sleep at night, when I say did not sleep I mean 20 mins cat nap, 20 mins screaming until he was about 2 and then he would be up all night wanting to play, his first complete night through was at 5 1/2 yrs, the Drs even tried to drug him with pre meds and that didnt work ! And where was H ...he was on deployment all the time, rarely at home, and despite me begging him to leave the forces and get a normal job so he could help me, he wouldn't, I think he liked being away from our crazy nightmare situation.
This is the first time he has acknowledged that I was a Single Mum and I raised an active toddler and a nightmare baby all on my own, no support from him or family. Reading his statement was quite emotional for me, I am actually lost for words over reading it.
He then talked about s21 moving out and that he will do his best to keep an eye on him and not let him get in to the mess he did last time (for those of you new to my story, h treated both s absolutely terribly when he was with ow and her kids, I was in the UK and ended up having to fly back to NZ to sort them out, s21 was living in a dive and struggling with chest pains and malnutrition. S23 was living in a cabin on h's driveway as he was not welcome in the house) He said he will keep me updated and if I have any concerns then to contact him and he will do his best to get it sorted.
He finished the email with more of his amusing wit.
I replied, said a few things that i know will appeal to his wit, then thanked him for recognizing that I was doing it alone in the early years, but added that I thank him for his support and putting up with my zombie self during those years. I spoke about my concerns regarding s21 living on his own and what to keep a look out for. I then thought I would see what the response will be if I push this a little, so I said that I have been thinking about it and I feel it would be a good idea if he has my phone number in case something should happen to one of the boys and we need to communicate quickly (one step further along the supporting each other as parents route) I gave him my number, so we shall see if he gives me his phone number in return.
Still feel ok about having him around, contact is sporadic and it seems he needs an excuse to email me, he sticks to conversation about the boys, which is what we agreed on. I continue moving onwards in whatever direction I fancy at the time lol, often i hit a "life hates me" wall and it knocks me back down, but I know only I can make myself get up and keep going.
Thank you so much for all your support and love, I honestly would not have made it this far without you all xoxo
Lou, don’t feel bad about being at “cross roads” and not making “that” decision. I’ve been at this for more than 5 years, and I still have not made a “decision”. Neither did H… Not saying that this is the right thing to do. It would probably be better for me, if I made a “decision” already… I don’t think in your case you need to rush with the decision anyway. I might be wrong here… My situation is not holding any merit, LOL. Making a “final decision” for me would not give me any more benefits than I already have, except in case I want to marry a new, wealthy guy .
It seems like your sons are coming along pretty well, settling with their lives and also valuing their mother. I know that my son has my back and will be there for me. I can tell that your boys are heading this direction too!
Your H is a fool, and he will realize it sooner or later. I love it that you are moving in the direction you fancy at the time!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Thank you for your thoughts. By Crossroads I meant either staying in my job in my current location or going on my road trip adventure and moving to the South Island, starting afresh. That is the decision I had to make, not whether I want to file for d or not.
I have no intention to file, h started this and I want him to be the one that finishes it, if he ever wants a d then I wont stand in his way though. Like you d wont benefit me, I won't get anything financial from him, we don't have young children and I don't have anyone else in my life that I need to be legally single for.
It's good to hear from you LouR. It sounds like you have your feet firmly under yourself and are taking steps along your own path.
Don't be a stranger!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You came to the crossroads and have made a decision. I think the move will do you a world of good. Time for a change and there are adventures out there waiting for you to be a part of.
You've started a new chapter in your life's book and I can't wait to read more!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sometimes I find the agonies before the decision are worse than anything else. Now that the decision is made, I'm sure you feel some relief. You can move in a new direction. This is a gift, Lou! I know this isn't what you thought you signed up for when you got married. Heck, none of us thought we'd end up here! But now that we ARE here, we have so much freedom of choice! I'm glad you're doing what you feel will move you in a new direction and answer your adventurous spirit! xoxoxo don't be a stranger my friend! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Lou - so great to receive an update! It's always nice to hear from you.
Kudos to you on embarking on a new adventure. Onward and upward!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you Andrew, Job, Bttrfly and HaWho, its lovely to hear from all of you and receive so much support for my decision to move and try something new. Doing it on my own is a bit daunting but its also quite liberating.
I received another email from H today, it started off by thanking me for my phone number and giving me his. I was a bit surprised he did this, he must trust that I am not going to now blast him with texts ...which I am not, I don't intend contacting him on it, only if I have an emergency with one of the boys.
He went on to tell me to speak to s21 about removals as he and s have looked into the logistics and cost of me hiring a van and s21 driving it, collecting both our stuff from mine, then dropping his stuff off en route to my location. If it saves me money then I think its worth considering, as far as I know h will not be involved in the actual event, only the planning of it.
He then carried on to tell me some news about how s21 is getting on and some troubles s is facing, h said he will keep me updated of any further developments. I am pleased h is taking notice of whats happening with s, he appears to be more of an active parent than he has been in a long time and I am happy that we are able to have this communication so I know what is going on with s now he is not with me.
10 weeks to go, its dragging as I feel ready to go now, but I know it will come soon enough. Still lots to do, I still have not sorted my camping fridge problem out, so that is next on the list.
Well another hurdle jumped, my last day of work is 29th March.
My boss was really great and supportive, he said that before I leave I will be required to give him a DNA sample ha ha. I will be getting a glowing reference and he said whoever gets me next is a very lucky company ...awwwww
s24 and s21 have been talking and have come up with a cheaper way to do my relocation and will have them doing a brother road trip so they can share the driving and keep each other awake. For them to have got together and come up with a plan has made me one proud mama. They plan to do the relocation mid March, dropping s21 stuff at his location before dropping my stuff of at s24 home. A four day round trip! Got to love em both
I have come up with a couple of different options for my own road trip, I plan to see a couple of g/friends along the way (both promising a nice hot shower and my laundry done !!). Its still a while off but I am getting excited at the new adventure that awaits me. I am sure there will be some challenges along the way, but that is all part of this and hopefully will have me laughing about them when I look back.
I had a strange conversation with s24 the other day, if I didnt know better I would have said he had been lurking around here and picked up some of the MLC phrases. He said that his d is acting really weird, kind of normal ?!! He said that since his d had the emotional breakdown with him in June and then again when s21 moved in with h, its like he has periods of a realization of how he has really messed up, then it takes him a while to process it and then he makes steps to mend it. He said it takes months from each realization to the mending stage ....almost like watching someone work in slow motion. We say here that time slows down for some one going through a MLC, what they see as only a few days is weeks even months. Its interesting that S24 has described exactly that happening.
H is definitely treating the boys very differently these days; he is more patient with them, more engaged in what they are doing and how they are, he is even trying to be helpful if they will let him. I cant say this is like the old h, as even the old h was not this tolerant, this really is a new h, its like he is reflecting on how he has been as a father and husband and seen that he could have done it so much better.
This is typical really, just my luck. He is emerging to be a responsible nice guy and a better person and I will miss out on it. At least the boys will have a more present father at last; even if they finding the change in him a bit odd and hard to get used to, so there is an upside to this new phase that h is in, how long it will last .....that is what we are all questioning ... sad that we are thinking this way huh. Suspicious
I think it's wonderful that your sons are going to do the relocation for both your son and you. It's nice to see siblings working together.
Sounds like your h is having some serious moments of clarity. Maybe he's starting to realize how he's been and what he's done. Lots of mending the fences will need to be done by him in the years ahead.
Your own road trip sounds great. I'm sure your friends will be very happy to have you visit and stay a while. Sometimes we need those "solo" trips to recharge our batteries.
Your boss sounds like a nice guy and I'm very happy that he's going to give you a glowing reference.
Lou, it won't be long and it will be time to pack up and move! I'm very happy to see that things are starting to take shape for you, i.e., actually, I should say new adventures are on the horizon for you! I can't wait to read about all of the adventures that you have along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
