You seem like a very level-headed dude and personally I think you have been handling things extremely well. Slip-ups like snooping are going to happen, but snooping things out of context is only going to dredge up your worst fears. Don't beat yourself up about it-- it can happen to the best of us. "My guy friend told me in one year" can mean a million different things.
Property here in Cali is super expensive and a townhouse is on the market about a mile from our current house. It is just barely doable for us financially. With only a single income, my current house's monthly expenses is 60% of my net pay or my W's net pay since we earn almost exactly the same. This town house would also be 60% of the net pay.
I've mentioned once or twice about the financial consequences of D, but I realize this is for my W to learn on her own. I don't think she fully appreciates how much our standard of living will decrease post D.
I am going to go tour it this week just to see. I'm torn about whether I should be helping the D along, whether I should be generating solutions for my W, etc. On the other hand, if we are D, then being so close is a great solution for my kids. It is close enough to walk between the two homes, but not so close that we're in constant contact.
Yeah, Subitai I hear you. I don’t understand how they ignore all the negative consequences. You see the same thing in almost every thread on this board.
Others on this board have noted the difficult of "being separated" under the same roof. I reread about the LRT and have been doing it. However, while living together there are severe limitations on what you can and cannot do. Mainly because I want to protect my kids as much as possible. Two things come to mind.
On Mondays, my W usually goes to the gym from 6-8pm. I had quite a bit of work to do, so. I decided to stay later than usual to arrive home just after 6pm and avoid seeing her. Also, it is unusual for me to come home late and this would create some mystery. When I got home, D11 said to me, "why are you so late?" "I need help with homework". My W was also working late and since I don't tell her about my whereabouts or ask about hers, neither one of us knew. I felt bad for D11 and my other two girls. Because we are living together and have kids we do need to communicate about our schedules and whereabouts.
Second, I have noticed my girls pick up on the vibes in the house. I don't think it is good for them if they see their parents not communicating and essentially ignoring each other. For example, I've noticed a dynamic where I talk to the kids and my W is simultaneously talking to the kids, yet my W and I never talk directly to each other. I decided to change this dynamic for my kids. Last night at dinner (yes we all sit down and eat dinner together), I was telling a story from work, and my W made a comment and I addressed her directly and included her in the conversation.
When I get home, I'll say hi and greet my W, but, I don't ask her how her day was or offer anything about my life. I will ask my daughters how their day was. I'll cook dinner for all of us, but I no longer make her lunch when I make mine (something that I would do 2-3 times per week).
If anyone has advice on the in-house separation, I'd love to hear it. As others here have said, it isn't easy.
I don't really have any advice. I did pretty much the same thing as you're doing. It got easier once she moved out.
The one thing I can think of is that I started a text thread with just my kids and me, so the three of us can coordinate and communicate.
There are bound to be things that fall through the cracks, though, because you and your W aren't communicating very much. Do what you can to eliminate them, but don't beat yourself up over the things that get forgotten.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
FC: This in house S is one of the hardest things I've ever done, too. It is so bad because my WW makes it that way. She will come home and interrupt everyone to demand things from me in front of the children. She will tell her son not to talk to me. She uses them as pawns to further her goal of trying to make me move out. She questions my kid about me and accuses him of covering up for me.
You eat dinner together. My WW makes it perfectly clear that I am never to feed her son, and will feed ONLY him and make it happen at a separate time. So, while I don't have any real great advice I can say that the dynamic in your house could be a lot worse than it is.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
FC: This in house S is one of the hardest things I've ever done, too. It is so bad because my WW makes it that way. She will come home and interrupt everyone to demand things from me in front of the children. She will tell her son not to talk to me. She uses them as pawns to further her goal of trying to make me move out. She questions my kid about me and accuses him of covering up for me.
You eat dinner together. My WW makes it perfectly clear that I am never to feed her son, and will feed ONLY him and make it happen at a separate time. So, while I don't have any real great advice I can say that the dynamic in your house could be a lot worse than it is.
Joe, what you describe is horrible, and yes it could be a lot worse. Too bad your WW cannot see how this is damaging to the kids. For me the biggest issue is we always see each other. Yesterday, my W had a dinner and came home late. It was nice to have dinner and relax afterwards without her around. Not because she's hateful like your W, but because her being there creates a tension.
FC, sorry to hear she filed but often things have to go that far or beyond before things start to get better.
Regarding your earlier question about DB'ing while under the same roof, it's really, really difficult. Many here have tried but I can count the successful in-house recons on one hand I think. Separation really helps with DB'ing. I'm not encouraging anyone out there to separate if they can help it, it can be pretty traumatic for the LBS (at least at first). But if separation is in the cards then it's not necessarily a bad thing from a DB'ing perspective and may be a good thing.
