Adjusting to being a LBS #2

[Subitai]

That's a good idea, FastCars. Writing it and putting it away is a good plan. I will probably do several drafts, too.

[Vanilla]

I like the idea of a letter. I recollect pigment wrote one to his WAW, with the help of the wonderful Wonka.

It was an apology, they didn't R, but they bridged his alcoholism. Pigment is doing great.

What you want to say today isn't going to be what you want to say tomorrow, next week, next month......

So can I suggest you write 5 letters

One for W
One for each child
And one to future Subitai after he has resolved his stuff
And one for little Subitai who had such an awful pradoxical reaction with his meds

----------------------

You will want to revise, revise, revise.......

It is important you don't send and that you don't censor yourself

Do you think you can do those?

V

[Vanilla]

Pigpen not pigment...

Groan Groan Groan

V

[Subitai]

Writing and not sending is a good plan.

[Subitai]

Okay, I wrote the letter to my W. It has several different apologies all laid out, talking about what I think are the main problems we had that were wholly my doing.

I'm sending it to my IC to see what they think, and I'll talk with him about it later this week.

It was... weird to write. I feel way more empathy for her position after enumerating my apologies.

These were the sections : (Not cut and pasting because google-fu would lead her right here if she wanted)

1) Not doing IC right away, years ago. Blaming it on my PTSD over therapy is not a sufficient excuse.
2) Defensiveness and meanness. I looked back at our relationship and picked out a notable moment from 10 years ago that indicated this is a longer seated issue that I have so far admitted. This was an eye opener. Saying "what about the good times" does not excuse this.
3) Lying : I have a hard time admitting to failure, so gaslight myself and others about the reasons behind failure, or casting it in the best possible light. I didn't even really understand what or why I was doing this. Sometimes I feel like my worth is solely based on my performance in life (because of emotionally distant, blah blah blah) but that's no excuse for this.
4) Emotional Distance : Basically, I only shared good emotions, and kept other emotions bottled up until they showed up as anger. I should have talked to her more about my doubts, fears, and failures honestly, along with telling her about the good things.
5) The begging and emotional blackmail/etc from the BD. It's not easy for her right now, either, and I let her know I know that, and that I'm trying to be in a place where we can talk without me making her exhausted.
6) Bonus : Apology that fixing these things can't happen immediately. Admitting I will be a work in progress for awhile.
7) Saying I'm sorry our M is where it is, acknowledging her "many paths" discussion we had, and whatever we wind up on, I want us to be able to respect and care about each other while being the best parents/co-parents we can.

I end with roughly : "I do love and respect you as a good person/mom/etc. I should have shown you that all the time, not just in the good times."

With L and Kindness,
Subitai

[Subitai]

Some very light chatting last night while she was face-timing the kids. Only a minute or two, and I did not try and drag it out.

[Vanilla]

OK next step

(Incidentally I think it's great you chat on this with your IC.)

What do you are you will you do to ensure this is different?

I suggest you take each item and identify that. How long will it take when will you know you have mastered it?

I would love you to do the other letters as I think they will have an impact on this one.

If you will stay with me on this, there are two more steps.

OK?

So this must still be a very rough draft.......

V

[Subitai]

Those are great questions. I need to noodle on each area. Just saying it's a problem won't fix it, that's for sure!

[Subitai]

Okay, for each section I laid out a "What will I do" "How will I know if progress is being made" "What is 'solved' for this problem", "Identifying backsliding", and "Actions to take during backsliding." All of them have several (3-5) bullet points.

I gotta say, I started crying a bit when I was writing out the emotional openess section.

Again, cut and paste is probably a bad idea in case I ever DO give her this, even if I wind up heavily editing it.

I haven't done the other letters, yet, though. I'm sure they will result in re-examination and editing of this letter.

It looks like a Performance Improvement Plan from work, honestly. Which is kind of what it is!

[Subitai]

Got some awful news that I was expecting, not related to the D or our R. Brought me a little down. I'm glad the W is not around right now so I'm not tempted to talk to her about it. Trying to process so I can be upbeat and happy for our last week together.