Thanks for popping back in J. After your last update I figured you were out livin' the life and making the best of it - and you have and that's fantastic.
Yeh, I've been lurking a bit here and there, but I am taking a serious break from the boards as of this weekend.
Good to hear your issues are resolved and you are finding good things and people in life. Yes, I'm sure we would get along just great offline.
I am living a much better life physically and it's just the mental healing that has taken a bit of a hit lately. I love this board but just need some more space and do some more GAL and put things into action.
Will check in periodically and I am sure you will too.
Haven’t been on the boards much, but still lurking here and there. Nothing much has changed in my sitch, when it comes to W. It feels like we’re settling into some pattern of kid exchanges and communications that are strictly on a need-to-know basis. I have no idea what she’s doing, and I don’t inquire or have any general interest anymore.
I am getting more and more detached every day and focusing on my goals exclusively. After months of trying to quit smoking and just going through the motions, I finally quit over a week ago. As most ex-smokers know, I am not out of the woods just yet, but I am quite confident on my ability to exercise self-control and I have put in the mental work to help me fight a war. I did have my mind play amazing tricks on me in the last few days, but I was able to stand my ground and not give in. I am really proud of this accomplishment. This was my first goal to get done. Now onto the rest. Still working out and now my blood pressure is dropping into good digits and so is the blood sugar.
One of the main things that propelled me to get through the first 72 hours of my quit, when the physical withdrawal symptoms are the worst, is that I wanted to start my transformation badly. Like really bad. Like I would almost cut my limb off for it. And this goes with the DB philosophy of creating those long lasting changes within yourself. I knew that my first step was going to be me quitting smoking, and the rest will follow because I could put in the hard work.
I have this insatiable kind of hunger in me now that wants to take life by the ball$ and make this transformation happen. Not for her or any one else, but just for me. I won’t life just happen to me any more.
There are no magic answers to help you heal yourself. There is so much pain and anguish on this board, and it’s so visceral because we can all feel so much empathy for each other. Without this community, I don’t know where I would’ve been in my journey.
I know we try and comfort and motivate each other through different sayings and thoughtful messages and I have a ton of those one liners to share, just like most of you. But life is complex and there has to be a balance of many things, some of it being kinda contradictory or working against each other. But, I found that the following things have helped me immensely and finding a balance with them. It’s like a recipe but you can adjust the dose to get it just right for you:
GAL / PMA / self – trust/compassion/awareness/control/discipline / sitting with discomfort and pain / understanding, naming, and processing emotions
I am sure there’s tons that can be added to that.
One of the few things that I have understood for myself from DBing and all of this is how much reliance I had in my W and our plans together for the future. I am sure it can be said that MR is an exercise in reliance on each other and that we should fully expect that from our partners. I understand that, but this has made me acutely aware of how much I cannot afford to rely on anyone else in the future. Maybe this is too cynical, but I just don’t know how else to see it. I am not in financial ruin or anything, but I am not in the greatest place to start building a strong financial future for myself or the kids. There’s only two options – reduce expenses or increase income. I am working on both.
Anyways, just in a place where I simply cannot afford to rely on anyone else for anything. My desire to be with W is diminishing rapidly every day and I really don’t know if I will ever be able to trust and rely on her if wants to recon. I know that’s not a problem I have currently and no need to obsess over it, but the trust is gone.
Taking personal accountability and ownership for everything. Figuring out which parts I let happen and which were not just my fault. Definitely changing things up for the former and learning how to deal with the latter better.
The best thing DB has given me is cultivating that hunger for transformation. When I put that in high gear to quit smoking, it gave me that drive and motivation and unbeatable feeling of being invincible – something I haven’t felt in a very very long time. Just get to that place and ride it and sustain it.
I want to be a better man and person come 2019. I want to look back at 2018 and see that I didn’t waste my time and I put in the hard work for what mattered to me.
Her may, congrats on quiting smoking! It is a habit I have never picked up but I heard quiting is extremely difficult. I have also heard that when people quit they gain a bunch of weight. Hopefully you can lay off those home cooked meals!
I am happy to see that you are progressing and growing as a person. It is also awesome that you are doing it for yourself and not some ploy to attract your W back.
My W and I have been in that pattern for quite some time. Brief interaction at kid exchanges and sometimes none at all during the week. I did question myself from time to time if I am doing the right things and maybe should I reach out more but when I thought about BD and everything that she told me it stopped me in my tracks.
The sad reality IMO is that the longer the separation goes on and everyone gets used to their new life the chance of RECON becomes less. Everyone gets adjusted to this new way of life and things just sort of happen.
I definitely don't want to rely on anyone for anything however I also know I don't want to live my life being jaded, scared to love again and fearful of opening up and being vulnerable in another R. I need to figure out how to strike that balance so I am not in a constant mode of detachment with 1 foot always out the door. Maybe being that way is part of the attraction????
Either way it sounds like you are truly on the path to change in all aspects of your life. It is also great to see that your post is more about you than recon with your W. Either way you have won my friend.
Congrats on the quitting smoking! I watched my parents try to quit for decades before they finally managed it. It is brutal! Stay strong on that for sure!
Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s M:11 T:13 S, D, both 7-10 BD : 11/2017 Separation : 1/18
Her may, congrats on quiting smoking! It is a habit I have never picked up but I heard quiting is extremely difficult. I have also heard that when people quit they gain a bunch of weight.
Thanks man! Yeah it is a tough habit to kick, but a couple of weeks out you wonder why you ever did it. But it's tough to get to a mental place where you can successfully quit. I probably had at least a couple of dozen failed attempts before this one. I did put on a few pounds, but I gave myself permission to just eat whatever (within reason) and not worry about meeting my diet plans for the first week of quitting smoking.
I just picked up a skipping rope and cardio training starts on Monday with the strength work out.
Quote:
My W and I have been in that pattern for quite some time. Brief interaction at kid exchanges and sometimes none at all during the week. I did question myself from time to time if I am doing the right things and maybe should I reach out more but when I thought about BD and everything that she told me it stopped me in my tracks
I read what you wrote about the pursuit and distance on your thread. I think it's to give the LBS a serious break to gain some mental and emotional sanity. Also you've already put yourself out there and she's said no. It's not any different few months down the line. That's why it's all about the LBS to get some space and strength back.
Quote:
The sad reality IMO is that the longer the separation goes on and everyone gets used to their new life the chance of RECON becomes less. Everyone gets adjusted to this new way of life and things just sort of happen.
Yeah true. I was reading Sandi talk about the WW feeling loss and how it's a huge part of this process for them to even think about turning around. You'd think that they would feel the loss the same way we do - less time with kids, financial concerns, no partner etc. But they don't and for them the loss will be something else and come on their timeline. So, best to just let go and drop the rope.
Quote:
I definitely don't want to rely on anyone for anything however I also know I don't want to live my life being jaded, scared to love again and fearful of opening up and being vulnerable in another R.
True true. I think I am just in self-preservation mode and I've had a reality check about what it means to trust and be able to rely on someone. This has completely shattered all illusions and I know that I am here by myself and have to make things happen. Even if I get in a R, I have to be responsible for my own goals and happiness and I will never outsource any of that to someone else.
Quote:
Either way it sounds like you are truly on the path to change in all aspects of your life. It is also great to see that your post is more about you than recon with your W. Either way you have won my friend.
I feel like I've hit a new level of detachment and I can really feel it in how I am so emotionally removed from W and what she does. I am in this really hungry mode where I want to attack this world and get what's mine and make my space and mark known.
Thanks Subitai for your comment. Yeh, quitting is such a beast but once it's done, it's like a new world has opened up. I am enjoying it.
I just picked up a skipping rope and cardio training starts on Monday with the strength work out.
There are quite a few guys at the gym that skip rope in between their sets. Since I play basketball 3 days a week I don't much on my lifting days outside of a brisk walk on the treadmill at the end.
Quote:
I think it's to give the LBS a serious break to gain some mental and emotional sanity. Also you've already put yourself out there and she's said no.
That is why I have no regrets about doing it. Getting out of her swim lane really helped my sanity, strength and confidence. She just never pulled closer or showed a interest. I am ok with that.
I also don't try to see it as her loss or think about her having regrets. That very well might never happen and she could be the happiest she has ever been. Thinking about her having regrets, etc. is all about pumping up my ego and I don't need that. People change, it is what it is.
Quote:
But they don't and for them the loss will be something else and come on their timeline. So, best to just let go and drop the rope.
I agree, you never know what that loss will be, when it will happen or even if it will happen. We can't worry about it. If my W experiences regret or that WTF did I do moment it more than likely will have nothing to do with me, it won't occur until after the D is over and by that time it will probably be too late.
IMO most of the WAW are going to have to experience OM before this happens.
Quote:
Even if I get in a R, I have to be responsible for my own goals and happiness and I will never outsource any of that to someone else.
I agree
Quote:
I am in this really hungry mode where I want to attack this world and get what's mine and make my space and mark known.
There are quite a few guys at the gym that skip rope in between their sets. Since I play basketball 3 days a week I don't much on my lifting days outside of a brisk walk on the treadmill at the end.
I have always enjoyed skipping rope as my cardio. I prefer it over running and other cardio exercises. But if you're playing ball, then you don't need to worry about doing extra cardio. I might start playing a sport in the summer - need time for lungs to clear out and not overtax the heart.
Quote:
I also don't try to see it as her loss or think about her having regrets. That very well might never happen and she could be the happiest she has ever been. Thinking about her having regrets, etc. is all about pumping up my ego and I don't need that. People change, it is what it is
I agree about wanting to see her suffering loss and feeling regret. Both will come at some point, and it might have nothing to do with you. But, I do agree about this being a boost to your own ego. Part of me really wants to see that, but then I realize that the regret and loss is still going to be pain for her. So, all I can do is be sympathetic to her pain from afar. But I am still using some of the "she's going to regret leaving me" to fuel my transformation and DBing lol. Channeling anger productively.
Quote:
IMO most of the WAW are going to have to experience OM before this happens.
You're probably right. I see my W being in the wilderness for a long time and then OM, and then we see what happens. Or she's got OM already and we'll see what happens.
But I am still using some of the "she's going to regret leaving me" to fuel my transformation and DBing lol. Channeling anger productively.
LOL.....I have done a little bit of that myself. Not the regret part but my initial anger in general combined with what she told me at BD has definitely motivated me to get out of bed in the morning and has also helped me have some pretty intense work outs!
I stepped away from these boards for a little while to gather my thoughts and just focus on stuff IRL. Nothing has changed in the sitch with W. Just wanted to write out some thoughts as a way of processing them.
I have been inching closer to the decision of not wanting to recon and file for D. I can’t file for D until summer technically, so it’s not like I am going out the door to do it. I haven’t run out of patience or the little hope that I had put away. I believe that I will not be able to overcome the betrayal and what she has done. And rather than putting my energies in trying to revive a new MR, I am better off moving forward with my life and be with someone who will love me, respect me, and support me, and call me out on my bull$hit. With what I know of my W – high anxiety; sexual hang-ups; bad communication; unable to manage conflict – I just know that unless she does some serious IC and work on herself, she won’t be overcoming any of that. And I don’t think she has what it takes to do that. And I won’t go back to a R where those are still major issues with her.
The other issue that I have been grappling with is the problem of ‘who files for D’? I know that it is a very personal choice and what I have to say is not a judgment on anyone here. When I came here, my thinking was that I didn’t want a D and would do whatever it took to at least get a shot at recon. Even when I stabilized, I still didn’t want a D. So, I started to dig into why that was. First, I didn’t want her to ever be able to say that “look, I was right. He did want a D”. She’s justified whatever she’s done by thinking that I didn’t want to be with her and that I would see that over time – this is not true for me. So, I didn’t want to file for D for her to think she was right. Second, I believe that our issues are resolvable and it could’ve been addressed through counselling – which she has staunchly refused. So, with her being in the driver’s seat in all of this, I thought I would continue DBing, and give her a D if she wants to follow through – I think this is a very admirable stance and position to take, but I am not sure if I can do that anymore.
With DBing, the focus has to be on the LBS and getting through the BD tornado, observe and evaluate the wreckage, start rebuilding the foundation and then the rest of the house – can’t be the same old house. Your hope is then that the other person will come and help you build this new house. But, if they don’t, then you at least have something that can withstand whatever is thrown at it next. I am working on precisely that right now.
I am also tired acting ‘as if’ and seeing her, even though it’s very infrequent. I don’t see an attractive confident woman in her; I see a weak cowardly woman who took the cheap way out. I really don’t see anything in her now that I’d want aside from nostalgia and keeping the family unit intact. I do have anger and hurt and resentment over the betrayal. We LBS’s are expected to work all that $hit out through IC and self-improvement – which is definitely a good thing – but in acting pleasant, chill, and whatever with the WW/WH is like an exercise in delegitimizing your feelings. They f#cKin shattered everything and blew it all up and the LBSs are just supposed to find some inner fortitude and be pleasant? I see that as an exercise in extreme restraint and undermining your feelings. OTOH, I do see acting that way and faking it until making it as a powerful way of taking control over yourself and not letting the other person dictate your feelings and behaviours. I guess I am just at a place where I don’t have any gray space left in me to act in a certain way. I am going to be who I am now and she should see the clusterf*ck crater she set off with the nuclear BD and the hurt and pain she has caused. I am not going to put it in her face, but I am not going to suppress my feelings. This means that if I can’t be pleasant and chill with her, then I just remove myself from that interaction.
I will file for D because I have my own self-respect and dignity. I will file for D because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t fully love me I will file for D because I deserve a better partner I will file for D because I am no longer afraid of being by myself
I need a herculean effort on her part for me to change this course. I am not keeping the road paved any more – I won’t erode it, but I am not maintaining it. I need to see her break from her cowardly ways and show me that I matter. There is time – at least six months – for her to show me something different. If not, I will file. I don’t care if it makes her think she was right about whatever. The only real DB philosophy that I will continue is NC/staying dark and self-improvement. I am done with her, but as AS says, give it a few more months and see if you still feel that way. The hourglass has started.
