The letter is too long. My lawyer, and everything else I've ever read, says keep it short and direct. About three sentences. These MLCers can't handle more.
He just needs to get that she needs time, this is important, and she is going to talk to a lawyer and go from there.
Oh my goodness - thank you all so much. You guys are so very amazing.
In his self drafted "document" h proposed an initial breakdown of assets when it comes to personal stuff. I just need to think about all that. He seems to be leaving most of the stuff and just wants out. We'll see.
One interesting thing he stated is that if either of us "cohabitates with someone all support stops immediately." He is very bothered by the idea of men around his kids as his mom brought in all sorts of nut job boyfriends. Just interesting that he thinks he can control this aspect.
KML - to answer your previous questions, for assets he knows we split those 50%. And all money coming in will be 50/50. He makes significantly more than I do. I was a stay at home mom for a long while so I want to talk to someone about that. We have very little debt. My concern is that I do think h has been squirreling money away. I do think he has gold hidden in that room. How much? I can't say. Is it worth going after? Not really sure as it's costly to do. I want to ask the lawyer if there is an easy way to see if he purchased more gold than he claims? But I bet he sold most of it and hid the cash. Probably he even steered clear of a security deposit box. But I think whatever is there will be hidden in his room. And I can spend all day long searching for it only for h to lie and say he already "spent it." Again, something to talk with the lawyers about.
It may be more worthwhile to make a claim for lost wages/retirement for being a longtime stay at home mom. Need a lawyer's advice here.
He does have a very good life insurance policy. He proposed I pay 1/3 of it and keep 1/3 if ever the time comes to collect. I assume the other 2/3 are for the kids. But, my sense is I'd need to take it all on to make sure he stays up to date on payments. Need to talk to the lawyers about all this.
If I receive 50% of the income I will be in good shape. And finally, I can control the saving/spending. I am not a big spender and this part of the divorce makes me happy as it gives me full control of my finances again. I will be able to make up for lots of lost time worked if I can have full control of my 50%. H of course has been buying all sorts of stupid stuff to make himself happy.
Ginger - he has already proposed that we go to the banks and divide everything 50/50. I am going to ask that we do this today. This too will give me some measure of peace of mind.
As for how this all impacts he kids, each time stress builds here I remind myself I cannot control this; I can only respond.
I am very scared of the cost of enlisting a "good lawyer." I hate no idea this sort of thing costs. I want it to go fast as h is hungry for it and wants to close it out ASAP. My sister keeps reinforcing that it's very worthwhile to pay a decent lawyer and that this is not a place to skimp. But I have zero idea what this costs. Guess I'll have some estimates soon.
Thank you all so very much.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I like seeing the repeated usage of this. One thing that I'm a great believer in is never thinking that I'm the smartest guy in the room.
It's good in some ways that he's willing to do the division of the funds right now. Just make sure that you don't sign anything that identifies this as the final disposition. Keep all your options open until the final complete deal is decided.
As you probably know by seeing our other stories, pretty much everything is negotiable, but the general guidelines here and I believe there are 50/50. So the fact that he's wanting to abandon property means that what he leaves behind gets taken out of your share.
The legal spend is a thing. When I first met with my lawyer I said that I wanted to cap the spend at $4,500. I'm currently at about $7,000 and my case is a lot more simple than your's but almost done (one last filing to be done). Remember that each and every interaction with your lawyer or their office will cost you. They will expect a retainer up front (mine was $2,000) and you'll need to keep that topped up. Check with your bank and perhaps family to see what sort of funds you can draw on. I was glad that I did. Part of keeping the legal spend down for me was to avoid doing what I called "looking for nickels in the couch cushions". Decide what hill you are willing to defend but also have an idea on what you are willing to spend to do that. There's no sense spending $500 in legal fees over a $20 frying pan.
For the lawyers, they see this all the time and it's a fill-in-the-forms sort of thing. So many of them - including mine and my STBX's are not very creative unless you push them. I did have to have a "come to Jesus" moment with mine where I pointed out very plainly that I was unhappy with the lack of attention that my case was getting specifically the lack of preparation that she was doing pre-meeting. Don't allow yourself to be railroaded and don't sign anything that you don't fully understand. What helped me too was the lawyers were going through their checklists and wanted me to sign off on the equity split on the house before we moved on to other things. I stopped them and said that I didn't want to approach things piecemeal and negotiated a transfer of equity plus support deal that was all inclusive. My deal has basically two lines. I gave her a fair amount of money out of the house which I added to the mortgage and I give her a monthly payment. ALL other items were deemed to be resolved without bothering to identify them. By stating ALL, that makes it tough for either of us to go back and open things up. Each clause is a crack.
Good luck - hope that helps.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I fully agree with the short and simple. He is not capable of taking in anything wordy at all. He needs small, succinct sentences, and without emotion.
Get a recommendation about a lawyer. Have your seen one in the past to protect yourself through his coming and goings and crazy MLC antics?
The fact he wants this done FAST, puts the ball in YOUR court. You can call the shots here and I know you won't go for anything more or less than fair. So, please understand, you have the power in this right now.
Understand that good doesn't necessarily mean expensive. Echoing Ginger - get recommendations. You want a lawyer that will handle things, not stir $h!t up out of nowhere to increase their fee.
Your sister is right - don't skimp on the lawyer. You're husband's sneakiness makes a forensic accountant a reasonable option - esp. since he's been buying gold and hording it like Rumplestiltskin in the dorm room. BTW in Mass. if the partner receiving alimony lives with another person/romantic partner the alimony stops, so he's not making that up out of whole cloth.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Welcome back! I am very happy to see that you returned to provide support and guidance to HaWho.
I tend to agree that anything you put in writing should remain short, simple and very plain language. He will stop reading when he sees that you state everything should go through the lawyers or you are having a lawyer do this or that.
He's got some real control issues going on and he's trying to control everything right down to the person you need to get info from. Furthermore, if the accountant starting talking to his family about the situation, etc., that would sound like an ethical issues as anything that is discussed or request of him should be kept confidential. I suspect that your h just threw that in hoping to deter you from getting the info you require.
HaWho, you have more control over this situation than you think. He's scrambling to have control and wants you to think that he knows anything and everything and yes, he wants to come off as the good guy in giving you this or that...don't be fooled by his promises because all of that may change the longer this goes on. Any leads on a lawyer?
Once you get the accounts taken care of today and you've posted a text to him about things, try to refrain from having any more discussions w/him about the divorce or dividing assets. The time for those discussions will be after you have retained a lawyer and gotten good legal advice.
This is now a business deal and you need to try to treat it as such. Your partner wants out, so you need to look at him as a business partner. I know you are going through some emotional ups and downs, but you will need to stay as calm as you can. He will use threats, be nice one time and nasty the next if he doesn't get what he wants...but whatever you do, stay calm, count to ten, do not react to his antics and the one thing that you need to do often is breathe!
Stay the course...we are here for you. Continue to ask questions and be sure to make a list of questions for your lawyer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I just caught up on what's happened. I'm so sorry to hear of this turn of events. Our situations are so similar...I just was, unlike you, unaware of the MLC while my XH was in house.
The advice you are getting is great. I thought my XH was actually trying to be kind and generous, and even felt sorry for his pain as we went through the D. However, there were some surprisingly callous moments then and even a bit now that have surprised me. Its hard to reconcile who they either have become or who they are revealing themselves to be. Be very careful and do treat this as a business deal. His feelings in this are his own and should not be taken into account at this time. Business, pure and simple. What is best for you and your ability to parent successfully. And yes, that might include agreements on family or individual therapy.
I can't even come close to the all-star advice you are getting, but I'm here for support. This will soon pass...you will be able to breath again. Hug the kiddos, keep busy, eat well, sleep well, and make time for vigorous excercise and talks with friends. You know the drill. Take care of you and yours and leave him to stew and bake in his own kitchen. Yours is now closed to him. Allow him the pleasure of smelling what's cooking and drooling outside now.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
HaWho, I have just caught up too. I am sorry it has come to this but I am sure you will find the strength and courage to navigate through the process and maybe find some relief in H being out of the house.
Hugs (((HaWho))).
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Thank you all so much for the outpouring of support. I am so fortunate to have found this place.
H is starting up again. Papers are supposed to arrive today. He sent an email saying we need to agree to assets this weekend. I am not going to be ready for that as I am screening lawyers yet. Called one that was highly recommended yesterday. Just called again. Have a voicemail into one I researched but know nothing of other than her reviews are good. Waiting on name of third lawyer from friend who returns Friday. I don't think this happens overnight.
There is no way I'll be ready to agree to assets this weekend. And I assume he can't force me to do it like that. I know he does not want me to see a lawyer.
He wants to tell the kids on Jan 27 and move out the 30th.
He is on fire. And he's had so much time. And I know in his mind, he is so crazy that he thinks by talking to my own lawyer it's hostile. And he's said he'll change tactics if I become "hostile" which I know means by obtaining my own lawyer.
I am sure he obtained his lawyer ASAP as the guy sounds like Better Call Saul.
I am going to have to tell him I am not ready. I don't think I'll even have a lawyer before the weekend. He can go without me agreeing to all this at lightening speed.
He is squeezing me and I know I don't have to do this on his timeframe. But as soon as I let the cat out of the bag he'll come a blazin' and if I don't even have a lawyer yet?
I don't know how much to divulge at this time as I still have no info.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Take care of you and yours and leave him to stew and bake in his own kitchen. Yours is now closed to him. Allow him the pleasure of smelling what's cooking and drooling outside now.