I'm impressed with everything I've read here. I found the DB website 5 days ago and been reading & listening since. A week and a half ago, in therapy (after 6+ months of therapy), my W said she was done - (BD) - and making a list if stuff she wants. The therapist immediately switched gears toward grief counseling for loss. I'd been warned, repeatedly, but had not learned.
I've struggled with porn addiction for years. Quit for a year, became ill (low thyroid, fungal infection, etc.), started again, now regaining my health/sobriety. We have a SSM on steroids. I have much trust to rebuild if I get the chance.
W said she was done 3 months ago. Therapist suggested pausing for 6 months to see if I could change. W countered with 3 months. Then she regretted it. Hence, the BD, of sorts, 2.5 months later, but she has not yet filed for D. We are in the same house, but sleep in different rooms.
After BD, I initially reacted poorly. I told W I wanted her to get a full-time job. Argument ensued. After discovering DB, I've been calm, supportive, giving her space, no R talk. She seems nicer already. I'm acting AS IF. I honored her request and moved my stuff to the spare bathroom. We can't afford to live separately. I'm working on GAL. That seems to be helping.
I guess I'm blessed in spite of the SITCH. Our SSM and my porn use have been her chief complaints. I've apologized repeatedly. Probably need to keep doing that. Recently she said the lack of emotional support pushed her over the edge.
I never believed that D would happen for us. She has threatened D for 13-14 yrs (cry wolf?). She has not filed papers yet and wants non-contested D, but our assets may make it contested. She has asked whether I want attorney or mediated D. I want our MR to work, but she knows that.
I have questions because my SITCH seems unusual. I want to show emotional support, but not beg or pursue or push R talk. I need to find the balance. I'm making a list of what works and what doesn't. Suggestions welcome.
Married 15, Together 17 M: 59, W: 57, SS: 28 BD: 12/21/2017 My 1st M; W 2nd M
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. I see hope in your situation in that your w has a specific and tangible complaint that is in your control. Focus on you and your issues. Give her space. Can you once and for all address your porn addiction? I don’t know much about it but assume there are programs available? Become the man you want to be...and only a fool would love. Initially, she may say too little, too late (she’s been telling you for years) so this needs to be a significant and life long change for you...and it may well save your marriage. Are there other issues?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I've struggled with porn addiction for years. Quit for a year, became ill (low thyroid, fungal infection, etc.), started again, now regaining my health/sobriety. We have a SSM on steroids. I have much trust to rebuild if I get the chance.
Id recommend switching your focus from 'saving the M' to 'getting yourself to a place where you are happy and comfortable with yourself'. What kind of work are you doing in that sense (aside from, Im assuming, quitting porn cold turkey)?
Originally Posted By: Natural
After BD, I initially reacted poorly. I told W I wanted her to get a full-time job. Argument ensued.
This sounds like a different issue than just sex. Does she not work? Are you resentful? What has your home life been like for 30 years?
Originally Posted By: Natural
I honored her request and moved my stuff to the spare bathroom.
Why? I assume this means that you are the one who was displaced from the master bedroom? Again, why?
We can't afford to live separately. I'm working on GAL. That seems to be helping.
Originally Posted By: Natural
I've apologized repeatedly. Probably need to keep doing that.
Was it a sex starved marriage because you turned to porn instead of your wife? Or did you turn to porn because she wasn't interested in sex?
Were her threats of divorce over all these years about the porn, or were there other reasons she was unhappy? Or is this part of an unhealthy pattern she has?
Do you have other addictions besides porn?
Some thoughts: First of all, own your part in this. Validate that the porn was inappropriate.
Second - about GAL. Tread carefully here. In your situation ( a little different from most) you DONT want to give her the impression you might be out meeting other women. So engage in healthy activities with male friends, or if you have kids, focus on spending more quality time with them.
Third - why are you so financially strapped? Is this another issue in your marriage that needs to be addressed?
Hello Natural, it sounds like you're taking the right steps. Hopefully if you can permanently end the problems that bothered your wife then she'll give you another chance after seeing you strong, stable, and attentive to her again. It sounds like this is a good opportunity in your life to challenge yourself to do a re-haul of your life and the reward will be that you save your marriage. I hope everything will work out for you!
I have questions because my SITCH seems unusual. I want to show emotional support, but not beg or pursue or push R talk. I need to find the balance. I'm making a list of what works and what doesn't. Suggestions welcome.
Unusual in what way?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
None of us believe D would happen to us. If we did none of us would ever get married. You say she has pulled the big D card for 13-14 years. Why has she done that? How did your addiction affect your M?
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Wow! The response on this post far exceeds my expectations. Thank you all! I will try to answer questions.
Gordie - Can you once and for all address your porn addiction? I don’t know much about it but assume there are programs available? Are there other issues?
Answer - I think so, I'm committed to it. An online SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) community made the most difference for me. Other issues include trust, money, fairness, and my 28-year-old stepson, who lives with us, does not pay rent, has had 2 DWIs, an addiction, and enough debt to buy a college education, but he never finished high school.
Kaizen - What kind of work are you doing in that sense (aside from, Im assuming, quitting porn cold turkey)?
Answer - I found Michele's online 90-minute divorce busting program and bought it immediately. I read a lot. I'll look into the SAA online community again.
Kaizen - Does she not work? Are you resentful? What has your home life been like for 30 years?
Answer - She works part time, and has through most of our 15+ year M. A year with no work at all. She worked about a year full time. Yes, I am resentful, somewhat, but resentment typically backfires. Guys I know who have non-working wives probably have triple my income. We've been married 15 years. For many of those, I worked too much. She felt ignored.
Kaizen - I assume this means that you are the one who was displaced from the master bedroom? Again, why?
Answer - I assume that it's normal that, when the W is angry, the H sleeps on the couch. Same thing with the master bathroom. Fighting would just make things worse.
Kaizen - Why would you keep apologizing?!
Answer - One of Michele's programs said "If you've had an affair, you may need to keep apologizing." For my W, my use of porn feels like an affair. When I'm honest with myself, I'm disgusted that I let her down repeatedly and hurt her that deeply.
KML - Was it a sex starved marriage because you turned to porn instead of your wife? Or did you turn to porn because she wasn't interested in sex?
Answer - It's complicated. Porn was the biggest factor. My W initiated sex often when we were first married. Then it seemed she wanted me to initiate all of it, when and how she wanted it. She didn't want it in the morning when I did.
KML - Were her threats of divorce over all these years about the porn, or were there other reasons she was unhappy? Or is this part of an unhealthy pattern she has?
Answer - All of the above. We often talked and laughed. But there were arguments - about my stepson (I wanted consequences, think she's enabling, etc.), communication, money, and stupid little stuff. She gained weight, blamed it on me, on the marriage.
KML - Do you have other addictions besides porn?
Answer - No. I quit tobacco ~ 7 years ago. Quitting porn was/is tougher.
KML - Why are you so financially strapped? Is this another issue in your marriage that needs to be addressed?
Answer - Circumstances. I got a 30% pay cut a year ago, then a 22% pay increase 2 months ago. Lots of medical bills (my diabetes, fungal infection). W is reluctant to work full time until she needs to buy her own home. Our home is plenty big enough for me to give her space.
Sandi2 - Unusual in what way?
Answer - As described above. I have: 1) a porn addiction; 2) a W who works part time, and 3) a 28-year-old step son who works full time, abuses substances, lives with us, accumulates debt, and pays no rent. (No, I'm not okay with that, but not willing to fight any more. Waiting for his rock bottom, bankruptcy, and surrender to treatment).
Petri - You say she has pulled the big D card for 13-14 years. Why has she done that? How did your addiction affect your M?
Answer - She would say she wanted a D when we argued. In years 2-8 of M, I think she mostly felt neglected. She got mad that I worked too much. Then my addiction set in. That has been the main thing driving the D.
I think I need to write that heartfelt apology letter to my W that Michele talked about in her DB video program, but I may wait a couple weeks for things to settle first. She has not filed for D yet, and has been nice to me lately. We have a legal service subscription and will probably make the first attorney contact together for that. Seems strange sort of strange, but she still depends on me for complex contract details. I'm the detailed one. She's driven by intuition.
Married 15, Together 17 M: 59, W: 57, SS: 28 BD: 12/21/2017 My 1st M; W 2nd M
Answer - I assume that it's normal that, when the W is angry, the H sleeps on the couch. Same thing with the master bathroom. Fighting would just make things worse.
We advise not to leave the MBR. She's the one that wants out of the M, she's the one that should be inconvenienced by that choice. Our attitude here is to tell her "you can sleep here in the bed with me or you can sleep in another room, that's your choice. But I'm continuing to sleep here." We're not saying to fight her about it, what's to fight about? Just hold your ground. The bed in the master bedroom is like the throne of the house, don't relinquish the throne to a WAS.
Quote:
Answer - One of Michele's programs said "If you've had an affair, you may need to keep apologizing." For my W, my use of porn feels like an affair. When I'm honest with myself, I'm disgusted that I let her down repeatedly and hurt her that deeply.
One genuine, heartfelt apology trumps 100 shallow "I'm sorry" apologies. If you've apologized to the point that you can say "she knows I'm really sorry" then there's no need to keep apologizing. Too many apologies can make you look weak and pathetic in her eyes.
