Not sure if it's the pending D (6 days away) or the snooping, but I've definitely been in a funk these past few days. Sent her a text message, I know it doesn't accomplish anything, but sometimes I can't help it.. at the beginning of the text, I quoted some of the messages between her and OM I found way back when (which is how I found out about the A). After quoting those messages, this is the text:
This, this is something a spouse should never have to see.. I have hoped for a year and a half to learn what I did to deserve to be completely (pooped) on, to have a real conversation with you... Never once did you reach out, never once did you apologize or show remorse for abandoning your family. Just went out partying every night, acting out like girls gone wild.
I did not get you pregnant, I did not make you miss your partying 20's, I chose you, I accepted Your son as my own and did my best to raise him. I chose to be with you at the cost of having kids of my own, wanting to grow old with you.. You put Your son above me, ignoring my concerns about it, but somehow expected me to feel loved and respected . I succumbed to wait until Our son went to college before I got my wife back.. Then she abandons us both.
YOU disappoint me.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Hi Coconut, I'd like to know more about how it's going for you since it looks like I'll soon be divorced. Did your wife respond to your text messages? How can she not feel terrible about what she's done? You've been through so much. It seems like these spouses who leave are all exactly the same. Not sorry, don't care, and only thinking of themselves.
Before I met my husband I had one long-term, long-distance relationship in my 20's that ended in an unexpected engagement that lasted two weeks. I then broke it off because I could see that the marriage wouldn't work. I would have to give up my dreams for the guy and he didn't treat me well. I was naďve as that had been my first and only relationship. It was honestly a shock that he wanted to get engaged. Anyway I told him I wanted to break it off and I felt horrible. I was in tears for days, kept telling him I was sorry. At the same time, I was sure about the decision.
The point is I don't know how to relate to these spouses who cheat and leave without any regret, especially with kids. As stated above I left someone and I felt horrible.
The logic of these spouses who leave is very twisted and they clearly have character flaws that we didn't see when we chose to marry them.
I hope your wife at least reads your text and thinks about it. You have a right to say those things. I wish you a peaceful closure to this disaster and I hope you find a new lady who exceeds your expectations and loves you forever.
Back when my sons were very young, we bought them some DVDs that were created by a guy named Dave. He had videos about all types of vehicles and machinery; trucks, busses, boats, planes, trains etc. In each of the episodes, Dave would completely screw something up and he’d say, “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that!”
I’ve been divorced for a little over a year. Now, every time I see my XW all I can think is, “Oops, I shouldn’t have done that!” (Of course, doing that did result in having two of the most wonderful sons on the planet.)
I quoted some of the messages between her and OM I found way back when (which is how I found out about the A). After quoting those messages, this is the text:
Oof! Well if you had posted that here before sending it to her we would of course have advised against sending it. It's cathartic to type that stuff out sometimes. But it serves no purpose to actually send it, because it's not going to result in any kind of a revelation to her. So we usually suggest posting it here, or typing an email and deleting it, or writing a note and burning it. Anyway at this point it's probably not hurting your sitch either, so no biggie.
Hi Coconut, I'd like to know more about how it's going for you since it looks like I'll soon be divorced.
Overall I’ve been doing very well, my life has changed quite a bit since BD and I’ve embraced the change and feel alive. As the D approaches, the MR has been on my mind a lot, but that is not the norm. I’m accepting the emotions, mourning my M and hopefully will be able to find closure on my own. Most of my life is better than it was pre BD (more money, more active, more adventures, etc.) except of course not living with my stepson anymore, but he’s going away to college in 6 months so that would have happened either way.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
Anyway I told him I wanted to break it off and I felt horrible. I was in tears for days, kept telling him I was sorry. At the same time, I was sure about the decision.
Breaking up is hard no matter what, but the way the waywards do it, there is no closure. There should be sadness when a relationship ends, and it hurts to see waywards appear unaffected.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
I hope your wife at least reads your text and thinks about it.
my phone shows when a message is read and the message never showed that it was read.. then I accidently texted her a question I meant to ask my son, and she immediately responded. My guess is that she deletes any texts that look personal, without opening them.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
I hope you find a new lady who exceeds your expectations and loves you forever.
That does sound nice
Originally Posted By: doodler
Of course, doing that did result in having two of the most wonderful sons on the planet.
I often find myself wishing I would have left my wife when we found out she couldn’t have kids, so that I could have had biological kids of my own… But given the choice to go back in time and make that choice, I wouldn’t, because those years with her gave me my R with my stepson. Our R is the best parent/child R he has.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Anyway at this point it's probably not hurting your sitch either, so no biggie.
Definitely not going to hurt my sitch. If she called me today and said she wanted to try and work it out, I would not go down that road. What I really want is closure, I’m having a difficult time just accepting how things ended, without having a single R conversation since we separated (and there was no sadness from her leading up to the separation).. I think what I want is to see some regret or sadness. I don’t like that I want it, I know I will never get it, but I think that is what I feel is missing.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I often find myself wishing I would have left my wife when we found out she couldn’t have kids, so that I could have had biological kids of my own… But given the choice to go back in time and make that choice, I wouldn’t, because those years with her gave me my R with my stepson. Our R is the best parent/child R he has.
I want to clarify, I never considered leaving her when I found out she couldn't have kids, wasn't even a thought in my head. I made this statement because I wanted her to be my wife for life, I wanted to grow old with her. But because BD didn't happen until like 7 years later, I lost my W anyway and am to old to have kids now (meaning I don't want to be retired with a kid in high school).
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
What I really want is closure, I’m having a difficult time just accepting how things ended, without having a single R conversation since we separated (and there was no sadness from her leading up to the separation).. I think what I want is to see some regret or sadness. I don’t like that I want it, I know I will never get it, but I think that is what I feel is missing.
C, This is where I am, from BD to telling the kids to moving out on Xmas eve my W has shown zero emotion and constantly has the look on her face that I am to blame for everything. I know that the LBS has fault in a portion of this mess but for the WW to put all the blame on us is just BS!
I know I will never get an apology but man would I really like one!
But because BD didn't happen until like 7 years later, I lost my W anyway and am to old to have kids now (meaning I don't want to be retired with a kid in high school).
i am the youngest of 7... i am almost 8 years younger than the 6th child (my sister)... my dad was 43 when i was born... at the time he felt really old... was afraid he would not live to see me grow up... here i am--52! as i was growing up, neither he nor my mom ever seemed too old to have a child my age... in fact, my mom says i kept them young... they are in their 90s and still dance at family functions!
my oldest brother is 69... his second wife is 24 years younger than he is... his children from his first marriage are in their late 30s, early 40s... from his second marriage, he has two sons... one is 19 and the other is 12... he too seems much younger than his age... my other brother who is 66 has 4 children--2 sons ages, 46, 38, 35 and his youngest is his daughter... she is 24... he is wonderful father... my H was 43 and i was 38 when we adopted our sons...
i get that you do not want children at this point in your life... but some people do opt to have children at older ages and find it rewarding... my parents didn't exactly plan to have me 8 years after their 6th child, but i am glad they did... my dad was nearing 61 when i finished high school... but to be honest, he didn't have a child in high school while he was retired... he didn't retire until he was 89
Wow artista, that's quite a family you have, I would love to have so many siblings, nieces, nephews, etc..
My intention was not to say that people my age "shouldn't" have kids, there is nothing more rewarding than raising a child at any age.. I can definitely understand them keeping you young, not to mention keeping the magic alive (there's nothing like holiday's with kids around). To be honest, if I was with someone who wanted to have/adopt a child, I would definitely be open to considering it.
As my life stands right now, I will be retiring at 60 and would like to have the freedom to travel at will, with thoughts of maybe getting another place in FL and spending winters down there (assuming my family stays there) and returning to NC during the summers. But it's a long way away and circumstances change.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
As far as "not having one R conversation" look on the bright side: no R conversation is a whole heck of a lot better than the false R. I know that's not much comfort, but being dismissed sure beats being kept on the hook.
I'll also throw this out there: you're only 43. Another child in your future is NOT outside the realm of possibility. I'm 43, too, and also like you, I'm an adoptive father with no biological children (though to be honest, that doesn't matter to me. My daughter is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and the circumstances of her birth don't matter to me at all) and I still hold out hope that I'll be a dad again. Don't close the door so hastily.
