its true probably more don't return than do sometimes the LBS is done by the time the MLCer decides he wants another try but look at all the successful LBS here on this board that work through the crises stand for a time change grow heal and blossom Many have created new lives, new partners and have accepted the path
If you continue to work on yourself, you will also be successful either way our happiness does not rely on another person doing x or y for the LBS-it just takes time to heal and get to a better place
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Bear in mind that the success stories that reconcile seldom STAY on the boards, so what you see is a skewed population. I've seen many people here reconcile - I was even one myself for a few years until my ex went off the rails again. Don't assume that because they are a small percentage of the active accounts, that they haven't been here and moved on.
I take my hat off to people who can get through not just one, but two bomb drops, yet still take the time to post on DB boards.
For me, the devastation has been catastrophic for me - hence my nickname ("devvo" in Australian-speak is short for "devastated"). Right now things are just a wee bit tense. XH is here now, in my home town, parading his new bit of fluff and making plans to take S21 and S18 off on a road trip. Thankfully I've been spared any contact - and long may that last.
In fact, XH has gone absolutely dark in terms of contact. That in itself is strange - every other time he's been here he's made sure to catch up, even if only for discussions about property etc. We still haven't finished the property settlement, so I'm expecting him to contact me about that, but I am guessing he's going to find it much harder to meet with me for as long as OW is on this turf. That's a bit of a pain as the clock has now been set for us to get our property settlement orders through the courts now that the divorce he initiated has come through.
Something tells me he really didn't plan this out .....
Can't believe how close we came to a run-in today. Literally minutes and metres if I can go by the account S18 gave me of their lunch date with their father and his GF. Somebody must be looking after me.
Hi there everybody - hope you had the merriest of Christmases and the happiest of New Years!
Journalling:
Well, not only did XH not initiate any contact, he helped himself to a jointly-owned asset (the car our sons use) without any communication - either to ask or even to inform. He unilaterally decided he would give the vehicle to his sister for three days to use whilst he borrowed hers for the road trip. This is the same vehicle we each paid 50/50 for and for which we go 50/50 for all bills and expenses. Am I being unreasonable expecting him to at least ask if he could loan it to his sister?
I sent him a very politely worded remonstrance - it wasn't as though the action was without consequences (S18 didn't think to tell me the car wouldn't be available when he agreed to pick me up after a Christmas function) - and quite honestly I thought he was overstepping boundaries. Absolutely no response came from him.
Now, I'm waiting on him to respond to an email our agent has sent regarding our jointly-owned house. Nothing so far even though the matters are quite pressing and really need both of us to agree on the way forward.
I am so over this. I am starting to hate this man, and I know that is so counter-productive. I know I need to stop thinking about what he's doing, and with whom, but I'm finding myself obsessing over this complete lack of consideration. I know his empathy chip is broken, but it is so hard to accept that it is only broken for me (and possibly our children - I'm still processing that one).
I am also finding it so hard to believe that there wasn't anything I did to deserve this disrespect and indifference - nor can I understand how can he be so dismissive of a person he (supposedly) passionately loved for at least 20 years. I keep replaying parts of our relationship, trying to find my fatal mistake(s) - and whilst I know I was never perfect I still can't find the parts that deserved this kind of treatment.
Whilst he's usually a caring, considerate man I know he's quite capable of showing indifference towards people who consider themselves his friend, so it's pretty crazy to expect anything else I suppose. It just hurts so much.
At least my trip with the children to my parents for Christmas went well. We grew a little closer over that time, and for that I am so very grateful.
I'm sorry to read about your XH's behaviour. It is common for them to be slow or non responsive. I think they just can't really deal with difficult or onerous stuff, which feels overwhelming.
With my XH to an extent I had the same and a couple of times I used the technique of - XH, I'm going to move forward with X next Monday. However, if you have any concerns, please get in touch before then.
Or something to that effect. So you are informing and also giving them the option to halt if this isn't what they want or have concerns. I wouldn't over-use this, but for the occasional pressing thing, I think a politely worded note like the above is fine.
Take care and I'm hoping 2018 will be a great year for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
After a week of him being back, I've just ran into XH in the supermarket. Thankfully this trip home he didn't bring OW, so I was spared that at least. As always in this town, the possibility of such an event was always there, and it made me smile at first, because we had already arranged to meet this coming Tuesday to discuss property settlement (yeah, I know....2.5 years since BD and we still haven't done it!).
General chitchat first, where he once again moaned about his current job and how it's really horrible and he's sick of it. He also mentioned how there's nobody he's friendly with anymore (apart from one friend - the one who offered him the position we moved halfway around the world for) in XXX now that 'everybody else' has left. Currently he's living out of suitcases all over the world, unpacking only when he comes home to stay with his mum. He's deciding whether to accept a position in one of two cities a bit closer to home, both of which will require permanent relocation so he'll have to set up a home. Neither of these places will suit OW, and I've heard through the grapevine (it's been a week remember) that their relationship is on the rocks.
Then we turned to the upcoming discussions, and he made it clear he really wants to finish everything up this trip. He also made it clear he would prefer not to hang onto the houses we own, even though this is the worst property market we've had in 15 years. Anyway, I mentioned I was a bit peeved about the car incident (he admitted he was in the wrong, but still no apology) and that I am a bit over his disrespect in terms of communicating essential information. As you can imagine, the conversation ended acrimoniously with him accusing me of being 'afflicted with negativity and filled with bitterness' and me (somewhat sarcastically) asking why that might possibly be. His response? "You have chosen not to move on".
Talk about a 2 x 4. I wanted to shout at him I am fine - I am just trying to find a way, with our current trajectory, to not hate him. Not really supermarket conversation though, is it?
The funny thing is, I am moving on. I'm certainly in a lot better place than I was even 3 months ago. The other thing? He looks bloody awful. I realised there is zero attraction for me to him in physical terms, and wondered whether it was related to the realisation that the apologies I've been waiting for will likely never, ever come.
I also realised that he probably is a narcissist. That's a term I actually believe is being splashed around with far too much abandon so I'm very cautious about using it. For him though - right now, the way he is....I believe it's totally appropriate. I suspect it always will be. As far as I know it's not something sufferers (rather cynical considering the sufferers are actually those close to them) ever recover from.
Now I'm really starting to wonder if he's always been a narcissist. Is it possible to be a 'low-level' or 'functional' narcissist? I'm sure I'd have seen it in the lifetime we've known each other (we met on our 4th birthday) - but whilst I spent a good 20 years thinking he was a smart-alec with a sharp tongue, I never would've applied 'narcissist' to him.
Most of me dismisses the narc thing, and simply suspects I'm just suffering terribly from the effects of that non-functioning empathy chip (again)....but for heaven's sake!....
Even with that knowledge, another part of me is still gobsmacked that he could go for decades behaving as though he really, truly adored me and that we were in every sense best friends forever - then completely reverse everything. How on earth does that happen? How do I deal with the suspicion that a good 50% of my life was a complete and utter lie?
And how do I get through Tuesday without grinding my teeth down to stumps??
XH and I had a discussion and it came around to his plans for retirement. He's decided he wants to work 10 more years then retire to a large plot of land, as yet unpurchased, in a rural area somewhere in the back blocks of Thailand. I asked him what he was going to do with his time there and he responded "Nothing. I am just going to potter around in a workshop and perhaps fix my motorcycles." He then went on at some length giving me the strategy he's going to employ to source and then purchase the land (it doesn't involve marrying a local). Then he went on to list the possible barriers to achieving his goals - mostly political.
The funny thing was this is exactly the same discussion we had about 9 months before BD. At the time I had exclaimed "there's no way I want to live in the middle of nowhere in a country I don't know, where nobody speaks English and I can't even read the writing!" Apparently that was the wrong thing to say back then, and I sensed it would have been the wrong thing to say now. Apart from noting that I may well have dodged a bullet, I wondered why a person might actually want to do as he plans.
Does anybody here have any ideas? Why would anybody want to live somewhere with dodgy electricity, water, healthcare and politics whilst battling social exclusion, constant discrimination and quite possibly boredom? I suspect it's down to his constant, unrelenting exhaustion brought on by a life of travelling. Even with that though, I still don't see the attraction.
It sounds like a dream of his. In MLC, they dream of places that they want to go to and experience. If he's planning to work an additional ten years, this dream may not happen at all. I would just listen and nod my head because he may very well change his mind in another 6 months. Ten years is a long time away and who knows what may happen within that time span.
Focus on today and let the future unfold. There is no sense in being concerned about something that may or may not happen in ten years. Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
