What should I be doing now? (It's done)

[neffer]

It is hard not trying to find a hidden message in what she wrote. It´s up to your stbxw IMHO. As trumpet says...use it as a detachment exercise. No mind reading, nothing.
Enjoy with your S and family. Have fun.

Merry christmas Coco

[Coconut]

it was a great trip, so nice to be around family and friends, I love where I live now and will not be moving back, but I sure do miss everyone back home. Eventually I will have good friends here, but for now, it just makes the trips back home (and I have been going about every 2 months) just that much more special.

My son came over my moms house, where I was staying, or we went out and did things a few times, it was great spending time with him. I had a few nights out with friends which was fun, all in all, it was a great week back home.

A few things happened that stood out regarding stbxw after seeing her and some other guy at my sons wrestling meet. My son came over for our Christmas party, and when we all sat down to hand out gifts, there were gifts from my son and stbxw (in other words from her) to my nieces who are 6 and 10yrs old. I didn't know this until my brother who was passing out the gifts read the label, and it kind of caught me off guard. My stbxw was very close to my nieces, but contact between them has been very limited and I'm ok with that because I don't think she is a good role model. So it was just a little off putting that she just sent gifts over without asking, or at least a heads up; had she asked me if that would be ok, I probably would have been fine with it, just caught me off guard.

Then when I got my gift from my son, it was a shirt and a photo plaque of his senior picture, it is obvious that she picked those out. I had almost asked him ahead of time not to give me a gift unless he picked it out on his own, but I decided to let him make that decision on his own, so I didn't say anything. It kind of makes me uncomfortable that she is using him to "do things" for me and my family, I would prefer that she just stay away. I included his name on the gifts I got for my nieces, and I would have preferred not getting a gift from him over giving me something his mom picked out for me.

Then, I had to stop by my sons house to pick up my dog on my way home, and I was dropping my nieces off at their house after I picked up my dog, so I had them in the car. When I got to my sons house, she walked out with him and said something to him at the door, he walked over and said Mom wants to know if she can say hi to the girls, so I looked at her and said that it was fine for her to say hello to them. I don't understand why she would buy gifts for them without mentioning it to me, but then feel like she needed to ask me if she could say hello through my son or why she feels that she should communicate through our son when around each other. We communicate back and forth directly via text when needed, she sends me videos and pictures of things he does when I'm not there, so I don't know why she felt the need to have him ask me if it was ok, instead of just asking me herself. I think she really does think I hate her and think she's the worst person on the face of the earth... Although she is my worst person, I've dropped the hate and have been civil with her and thank her when she sends me stuff about our son.

Heck, I even tried to strike up conversation a few months ago ago, but I stopped temp checking because I'm not interested in reconciling, so no matter what she said it wouldn't do me any good. At this point I'm just trying to stumble my way through figuring out how to get to the point that I can be in the same room without it being uncomfortable (for my sons sake).

But for now, I'm getting used to my new responsibility of taking care of my dog. I've always owned a house since I moved out of my parents house, so I'm used to just being able to let the dogs out in the back yard. But now being in a rental town house without a fence, I have to get into the habit of walking my dog, which isn't a whole lot of fun at 6:30am when it's 20 degrees out, as I found out this morning... But it's so nice having her back with me.

[Zues126]

Coconut, we appreciate your updates. I can't remember if we ever posted much to each other but I've always followed your sitch. If I didn't post it was only because it looked like everything I could think to offer was already in your wheelhouse.

In terms of tone while communicating, we all have to find our own way. For me I went the approach of no emotion at all. I mean absolute zero. I only communicate by text or email, and it's only on a true as needed basis. My responses are short, and then I strip them and strip them and strip them so they provide only the absolutely critical information needed to be passed on. I am respectful so if she texts me that someone passed away as part of her message to me I'll add in a line about being sorry to hear, but it is totally sterile. And I absolutely positively make sure there is no emotional undertone. When she attacks I don't defend. If she accuses me of something I don't reply. If she asks a questions accusingly I find a way to reply to the question to answer it without either defending or retaliating. That kind of thing. In my mind she tried pushing my buttons in various ways and for the last 3 years I completely and totally removed the batteries from whatever game she was trying to play.

I rarely see her in person, when I do we rarely speak, and if I need to it is one sentence uttered as if I was in a trance or something. As far as I'm concerned she's dead and is just a ghost that other people still see and interact with that I cannot.

I, too, have reduced the anger to where I can't even notice it anymore other than a vague sense of nausea on rare occasions when I am triggered. Mostly it is replaced by humor when she does something over the top, or a moment of silence for our humanity and the destruction we cause to each other. But while I am not harboring hostility, I darn sure don't see any reason to expose myself emotionally in any way to her ever again. My wife been dead in my heart for three years now, murdered by the XW who took her place. The husband I was died with her as that is not who I am anymore. I truly am beyond it, but I don't have any interest in being face book friends or acting like pals or even swapping cute kid pictures. That emotional back and forth died with the marriage.

I'm not saying this is ideal or anything. Maybe it's the only way I could manage the situation based on the way she behaved since BD. Maybe I'm just a super sensitive person that has a hard time opening up and can only protecting myself by shutting down to this level. I don't know. But this is the only path I could find. And for better or worse it's allowed me to put a tremendous amount of distance between me and the wreckage and rebuild a life that I have found peace and content in. It's not what I set out for, but it's what God has given me. My job is just to savor it and say thank you.

Take care and looking forward to hearing what you do with yourself in 2018.

[Coconut]

Thx Zeus, I'm kinda the same mindset, 99% of communication is 100% business, no emotional.

Soooo... I snooped, I gotta say, over a year after physical seperation, snooping is still not a good idea.. But, I wanted to know the significance of the other guy at the meet, even though I was pretty certain. Checked FB, saw "public" announcement of "my baby".. Part of me is thankful it's not me about to take that ride, I already know she's a shitt¥ wife, but still ouch.

I'll just keep doing me, less than 2 weeks until D should be final and quite frankly I'm looking forward to being open to dating, I've found myself "noticing" several ladies lately, and looking forward to being free to persue those opportunities.

[sandi2]

It's good to see an update from you, as always. I had to laugh just a tiny bit, when I read your post about why your W did the gift thing and why didn't she do this or that. I thought you had realized there is none of your male logic in that WW! Heck, there's not even any female logic in her.....and that's bad. (LOL)

I am so happy that your son and you have maintained a good relationship. I'm sure he knows how lucky he is to have a dad like you. When he is older, he will realize it even more.

I am also happy to hear that you continue to love your new location. I agree that you'll make lifelong friends there, too. You are just that kind of guy.

I'll have to confess something else. I laughed when I read about the new guy in her life. Did she actually step outside the fire station to find him......or was he a reject? I didn't really expect ole lover-boy FF to be so hot to trot, once he realized she was free and available to move full steam ahead with him. Funny how that works out, isn't it?

You have been so good to stay in contact after moving on with your life. It give me a sense of peace, I suppose, to hear you are contented. Not that I was worried, but you know what I mean.....don't ya? As you may know, I have often complained how people take off without us ever knowing what happened to them. So, FWIW, I really appreciate you taking the time to keep us informed. And, I like the way you help others, too. You have a lot to offer them.

Take care, friend. Hope to hear from you again.

[Coconut]

Hi Sandi, thank you for replying, it is always nice to hear from you. As for OM, I have no idea who he is or if he is also at fire dept.


Just stopping by to say Ugghh, for the first time in a long time, I'm down the n the dumps today.. These feelings of failure in my M are coming at me hard, and don't know what to do with myself..

Here's to happy thoughts and a positive outlook returning soon.

[Sotto]

Hi Coconut, I enjoyed reading your updates and I'm sorry you are feeling down in the dumps today. When you think about it, the odd down day in among many, many positive ones shows just how far you have come.

Interesting about new OM. When we think of the energy and thought we sometimes spend on OMs...OM1 proved pretty transient didn't he?

Can I share my one hour six prong plan for perking myself up? (Feel free to discard if not helpful...)

Get out and do some exercise for 20 mins
Drop someone a note to thank them or tell them how much you appreciate them
Meditate for 10 minutes - plenty of apps for this
Journal about something nice that happened this week
Write down three things you are grateful for today
Listen to It's a Beautiful Day by Michael Buble (dancing is optional :))

If I'm down in the dumps and can motivate myself to do this, it normally sweeps any low feelings right away..

Hope this helps and a Happy New Year to you. I have a feeling that 2018 is going to be a good year for you.

[sandi2]

Maybe it is the letdown following Christmas. However, I suspect it's b/c you were looking at messages and it drug up some old feelings.

[Coconut]

Hey Soto, I did 2 of them before reading your list, then had to look up the Buble song, wasn't familiar with it so watched the video on utube... Are you aware that the video starts with a husband walking in the house and finds his wife kissing some guy. But the song was a happy one.

Sandi, I'm sure the snooping put me in the funk, I'm also feeling sick and the post Christmas trip blues and not having plans for New Years doesn't help.. Kind of a perfect storm. So happy that days like this are very few and far between, can't even remember the last day I felt like this.

Have a Happy New Year eve everyone..

[Sotto]

Oh yes, Sandi's insight is spot on too. I snooped a few months back and what I saw put me in a funk for a couple of days - even though generally most of my days are good.

I think we all drop down that hole occasionally and even now I still get an urge, which I resist. Now I say to myself - step away from the iPad and no-one gets hurt!!

I'm glad you liked the song - I hadn't ever watched the video and hadn't realised it started that way. I just downloaded it on iTunes. But I liked the upbeat nature, and also that he is thriving after the break up..

Have a happy new year and I hope you feel all better soon