Husband gone for second time - new here

[Cherry]

I get what you mean, and your career you can pick back up at some point along the way. Yes, it might be different, and the days may be shorter and less travel- but you can make it work around your family. My main career is a commercial lawyer for a high profile company. I went from full time with travel, to part time and significantly less travel- though i now pick up more over conference calls. Life does become different as a mom, especially when you’re used to being a career woman, but believe me- it can come back.

Never mind (easier said than done) about who he chooses to peruse. You’re a woman, not a girl. I’ve been surprised how many guys actually say they find me all the more sexier that I’m a mother. And that’s the primal part, it triggers that part in the brain that says you’re fertile and able to carry a baby. But what i want is you to start to see that yourself. You have been through a lot with him, and that shows in your lack of confidence. But you are smart, and beautiful- don’t let him and his airheads get to you. You have to start believing your worth, even the most tiny thing will help you feel better. Even a new piece of clothing, getting a girlfriend to come out with you and entertain d while you get your eyebrows done, paint your nails while d does some colouring. Anything that makes you feel a bit more like you.

With regards to finding someone, like jim says, don’t worry about something that hasn’t happened yet. Take it day by day and see what happens. There is always someone out there, it’s likely wether directly or indirectly, your h has made you believe there is no one out there for you. There is, absolutely. I’m the opposite of you, I’m a Muslim but not conservative in the way i don’t cover my head and i wear western clothes. I may pray 5 times a day, and follow all the rules. But some men won’t see past that. But then that’s their loss. Don’t rule anything out.

[NicoleR]

Hi all,

I'll send a response to the last two rounds of responses tomorrow night or Wednesday. Thank you so much for your input. I really just want to print everything and keep reading it. It seems like I already said most of what there is to say and I need to take time internalize your feedback and try to follow it.

I'm not really looking for responses today because it's nothing really new and I don't want to make anyone re-write what they've already said, but yesterday and today have just been so bad. They're two of the worst days of my life. I'm still not feeling well and had a clue yesterday that I might have a second illness that was overlooked by the first. There's a chance I'll need gallbladder surgery or other types of treatment. There's no chance to go to the doctor the next few days due to the holidays and I'm traveling on Tuesday but last night I was so worried, so scared, and felt so desperate at the thought of needing surgery that I called my husband to ask his opinion. I know it's a mistake but I have health anxiety and couldn't control my fear. I stuck to the point with my husband (he's a doctor) but he had no sympathy. He started shouting at me that he has enough sh*t in his life to deal with and I should go find my own doctor and he can't help me. Then he hung up. It was so hurtful I just sat there in shock for a while. Then I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop crying all day today. My husband became so mean and heartless.

I can't figure out what I did wrong for my husband to speak with such hate and disgust. I know I'm weak at the moment. I'm not attractive with these health problems. I'm also guilty of annoying him by being too adherent to rules, safety, and health issues. The more he see's he hurts me, the more angry he gets. It seems he wants me to disappear forever. He knows now that I'm busy every day and planning to move but there's no remorse even now that the pressure is being lifted. I guess the financial pressure is bothering him but still, I leave him alone nowadays except for essential financial issues and those related to our daughter.

Sometimes I don't know how to stop crying. I've never felt this bad before. Even after talking to a friend today for an hour and some people at church I don't feel better. I have to do more medical tests and it's hard to sit alone dealing with the unknown. I feel so sorry for my daughter because she saw me crying all day and there's nothing she can do and I couldn't stop. I just wish Christmas would be over. I'm spending it alone with my daughter and that makes everything worse.

I wish so much to fast forward to finding a new man and starting over. I don't feel like spending years or decades single and alone even though I know I have to first improve my life and be healthier and look physically better. But this loneliness and being sick alone with a dependent toddler is like a curse.

Anyway, I hope you all have special family members with whom to spend Christmas and I hope we can all remember each other's struggles because at least for me, when I look around, the whole world appears to be happy married couples living perfect lives. It's nice to know there are a few others out there who know the feeling of being left behind by their spouse and having to start over.

[Caz49]

Dear Nicole, I wish I could come and give you a hug.

You don't deserve to feel so low. I'm hoping your low moment has passed for now and you can enjoy your daughters company...I know its not the same as being all together but really you don't want your H around you right now.

What he did, when you called was harsh and pathetic. He felt pressured and probably backed into a corner. Should he have?...No not at all, he's your husband, you had a connection once, he should want to help you (I didn't realise he was a doctor) But its not the same any more. He doesn't want to feel guilty, he doesn't want to feel anything or hear anything about you right now. Don't contact him again. No matter how matter of fact you word it, he sees it as pressure, manipulation even. He is heartless right now, heartless to you. Keep that in your heart the next time you feel like contacting him. I feel your pain.

I know it's monumentally hard. I don't get it either, this stone faced attitude. It's painful and scary. Especially when you have your added health issues...you must feel so alone and anxious. But try to relax. Being anxious Isn't going to change the outcome of whether you need surgery or not but it will make you feel rotten and ruin your time with daughter.

Practice some breathing exercises. Think calmly, and rationally. It won't be long and you'll have the medical answers you need.

Don't feel bad about spending time crying, it's healing too...just don't live there in that misery. Could you find out about antidepressants? A little aid may be needed. Please think about it.

I too wish you could find a wonderful man that knows your worth and value...if thats how you truly feel, it will happen in time. But you're not emotionally ready yet, but you will be and it will be a great moment for you to realise...yes, I deserve more than this. I do deserve to be valued, I do deserve to be loved and cherished and it will happen.

Get yourself feeling stronger, and have that wonderful thought to look forward to. One day I'm going to be free, independent, strong and happy...and I'll have complete and unconditional love of my daughter. And eventually a new relationship to top it off.

Hugs

[NicoleR]

Hi Caz,

Thanks for all of your kind words. I'll try to keep repeating them to myself. I'm trying to be as normal as possible today. I won't contact my husband again. I learned my lesson. I'll look into antidepressants again as soon as I see a doctor about the actual medical problems. If I don't need surgery and if there's not a second diagnosis then I'll probably be ok. If it's something bad though then I'll need antidepressants and a lot of help which I don't have so I'll have to beg friends to fly here from other places.

I hope you're doing ok today. There in the UK it's already afternoon so at least you made it almost through Christmas day! When is your actual anniversary day? I guess I should go to your thread to write more about you! I'll try to be back later to write more.

[Sotto]

Hi Nicole, I'm sorry you have been finding things so tough. The holidays aren't easy and I can remember being very glad to see January in that first year after BD.

That was a harsh response from your H and I'm sorry you had to experience that when you were seeking advice and support. It doesn't sound as though he has that to offer just now. Sometimes people post here about 'broken empathy chips' and what you posted reminded me of that phrase.

It would be best (I think) if you only see him as a support option when it comes to parenting matters. In these you will remain co-joined. But in all other aspects, I would seek support from elsewhere and not bring him into your confidence. Can you start to see him as a rather distant colleague? Someone who you are not that keen on, but are polite enough to?

Also, if you are experiencing such high anxiety, you may want to think about seeking some more support for yourself too. I saw a therapist for a while after BD and it did help. I also went to a divorce care group (at a point when I very much wanted to save my M) and that helped a lot too. Get yourself what you need to get through this intact - survive, cope, thrive..

I hope you'll be feeling much, much better soon Sweetie xx

[Cherry]

Sweet Nicole, i hope you managed to get through today. It isn’t easy, especially all you’ve got on and so close to BD time. I second antidepressants, i was reluctant to, and refused to for a long time. I must admit once it began to work it helped me to think a bit clearer. You have a lot on and no support, so anything that might help you is worth a shot.

Crying does help. It gets it out of your system, accept it and let it all out. He was beyond rude and heartless to you, but that’s something you’ve now learnt. So it’s time to prove him wrong, a metaphorical (or literal) middle finger up to him- and you are going to get through this. And you will. Stronger and sassier!

We are all here for you, and rooting for you. Big love my darling, you’ve got this

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

I've been thinking about you today. I hope you're feeling a bit stronger and more hopeful today.

I was wondering...can you afford a DB coach at all? I feel you may get a lot of perspective from talking to someone who can talk you through the process...I wouldn't want to give you any opinions that may hinder your DB attempts.

Take care, and I hope your journey was a good one today?

[Jim1234]

Dear Nicole, I wish I could come and give you a hug.

You don't deserve to feel so low. I'm hoping your low moment has passed for now and you can enjoy your daughters company...I know its not the same as being all together but really you don't want your H around you right now.

What he did, when you called was harsh and pathetic. He felt pressured and probably backed into a corner. Should he have?...No not at all, he's your husband, you had a connection once, he should want to help you (I didn't realise he was a doctor) But its not the same any more. He doesn't want to feel guilty, he doesn't want to feel anything or hear anything about you right now. Don't contact him again. No matter how matter of fact you word it, he sees it as pressure, manipulation even. He is heartless right now, heartless to you. Keep that in your heart the next time you feel like contacting him. I feel your pain.

I know it's monumentally hard. I don't get it either, this stone faced attitude. It's painful and scary. Especially when you have your added health issues...you must feel so alone and anxious. But try to relax. Being anxious Isn't going to change the outcome of whether you need surgery or not but it will make you feel rotten and ruin your time with daughter.

Practice some breathing exercises. Think calmly, and rationally. It won't be long and you'll have the medical answers you need.

Don't feel bad about spending time crying, it's healing too...just don't live there in that misery. Could you find out about antidepressants? A little aid may be needed. Please think about it.

I too wish you could find a wonderful man that knows your worth and value...if thats how you truly feel, it will happen in time. But you're not emotionally ready yet, but you will be and it will be a great moment for you to realise...yes, I deserve more than this. I do deserve to be valued, I do deserve to be loved and cherished and it will happen.

Get yourself feeling stronger, and have that wonderful thought to look forward to. One day I'm going to be free, independent, strong and happy...and I'll have complete and unconditional love of my daughter. And eventually a new relationship to top it off.

Hugs

^^^^ this.

Nicole, I wish I could give you a hug and listen as you pour out your problems.

[NicoleR]

Hi Everyone, Happy New Year! I've been wanting to respond to all of your previous posts in detail but I keep getting further behind. My daughter has been home on preschool holiday break and my health is still not good.

I want to quickly write a few updates though. Earlier in the week my friend and former neighbor who knows what's happening asked me to meet her husband to get his input. He's a successful guy business-wise and knows my husband as well. He said my husband alluded to the fact that I was too passive, in a bad way, in past conversations. He said my husband is taking advantage of me in our current situation and said I need to stand up for myself. He said I can't let this happen - allowing my husband to live in a big new house alone while my daughter and I live in a small old apartment. He said we're an upper middle class family and I've now been displaced to a lower socioeconomic class and I can't sit quietly and let that happen. He said I need to go check on the new house and tell my husband I can't live in the apartment anymore. I ended up asking my husband if I could stop by and see what's happening with the house a few nights ago and my husband said no. My husband said if I need anything that I have in storage there he'd bring it to me. I asked him to consider switching places for the benefit of our daughter until further notice (I'm waiting to move until I know what's happening with my health) - he living in the apartment and us in the house. I didn't say anything about fixing our relationship, just switching places. My husband got mad and said no, it's his house, he worked hard for it and he's going to live there.

I don't know. Perhaps it was wrong to follow my neighbor's advice but at the same time, what my neighbor said is true. My husband has taken advantage of my passiveness. I've mainly followed this website (DB) and have tried to cut off contact with my husband but the arrangement we're in IS unfair. My husband goes on major spending sprees for himself and his house but he hasn't been paying off my credit card these past few months. When I tell him there's still a balance from the previous month he tells me to stop spending so much even though I'm really not. I developed a budget that he never bothered to look at. We're living on the bare minimum and even with that my husband see's us a burden and annoyance.

The root problem of course is that I'm not working and need to get a new job ASAP, but I'm waiting now to see if I need surgery these next few weeks so I feel like I can't do anything yet. Still, given that I burned through my savings and may not get a position with the same level of seniority as before, the best I can offer my daughter on my own is probably what we have now - an apartment with a modest lifestyle. It seems unfair to her.

Anyway, at this point I'm afraid it doesn't even matter if I contacted or upset my husband because clearly he's moved on and doesn't have plans to fix the marriage. The fact that he wants to live like a king in his own house, coupled with the fact that he doesn't want to see his daughter, makes it obvious to me that there's very little I can do to save the marriage.

I told some old friends from my husband's country what happened and they think he used me for immigration purposes.

The worst thing is that I still miss my husband. He's become an awful, selfish person but I still remember the years when we were inseparable. There are other things that make me happy but the happiest I've been in my life were those few years with my husband when the marriage was good.

Sometimes I wonder if my husband will ever regret what he did, or if he's really such a bad person. I also blame myself for being too kind. I see that I need to change. I want to be a good role model for my daughter. I feel so, so sorry for her to have a father who doesn't want to play a big role in her life. It's so hard to mitigate the damage it will do to her in the future.

One question I have is if I file for divorce, should I offer any final statement to my husband before doing so? Like "this was the last resort but now I have to protect myself and our daughter?" Or "I never wanted to get divorced but I see that you've moved on so now I need to do so as well?" Anything to state my intentions? Or just move forward with it and let him be surprised?

My husband always says something to the extent of "I don't want to get divorced. I want to have time to think." That's what he's been saying for years so I assume that's what he's thinking now. But now I fear we're at his mercy financially and without some legal arrangement it's hard to know what's fair and what support he should offer.

It's still so hard to think about this. I will probably wait a few weeks to do anything because I know filing for divorce will make my health worse and I just need to get a better diagnosis first. I think I'm also clinically depressed. Maybe that's why I read and hear what you're all saying but don't feel it and can't feel better. I'll start SSRI's for a time if my health is bad and I'm getting divorced because those two things at once feel unbearable.

Thanks again for listening! I really wonder what the future holds for us all.

[OwnIt]

You need to see an attorney ASAP. There may be a way, depending on the laws of your state, to get a maintenance order without filing for divorce. Going to work now may not be a good idea in terms of support and it sounds like your health might justify holding off. Please talk to a lawyer ASAP. My H is a complete narcissist ahole but he pays us a significant amount of support and we live in the nice house while he lives in a shack. Your situation is deplorable.



Oh, and if your neighbor is right, him seeing you stand up for yourself might actually improve the way he views you.