Now that's the G I know. . You know, whatever you need to pull yourself up and out is ok. If waiting to see what unfolds isnt it, then, going proactive may very well be.
Here's what I'm thinking. Make this a game of sorts. Looking at it differently. Instead of thinking that you want someone in your life so you are going after it.. think of it more in the way that you want to just live your life. I think if you put so much emphasis on going after what you want so much..than that is where disappointment waits.
Not sure that makes sense...my brain is still not functioning properly after all I went through. LOL!
What I am trying to say is that I think you need to change your approach a bit. If you go on dating sites..dont analyze so much. Talk with as many people as you can. Be you. Just have fun.
As far as your daughter and her dad and his wife...you know where her heart lies. They are sad people, G.
I hope you had a good holiday. Took a break from the boards a bit.
Since my IC appointment, something has shifted in me and I am coming out of the deep depression. I just couldn't stand listening to myself sound like a victim and having nothing but complaints. I began to realize I was very attached to the way things were. So I have been detached from any outcomes and have been really just trying to live in the moment and push away all negative thoughts. It's working to a point. I haven't actually cried in days, which is amazing for me. Especially around the holidays. Whenever my lonliness seeps in a feel myself spiral into the sadness of no partner and wanting things to be different, I thought stop and refocus. I kick those thoughts out of my head and busy myself with something else.
I have taken to looking at POF again. I realize many do want hook-ups even if they say they don't. That would normally just upset me and get me frustrated, but I realize it is what it is and I just move on. One guy seems decent, he hates getting hook-up requests (apparently, that's what women are out for too) and he wants a friendship that could turn into something more. I just got not internalize everything so much anymore. I am learning to not feel so frustrated or hopeless when things don't go the way I am trying to make them go.
As for the holiday, it was nice. D10 was happy with all her gifts, as was I. I cooked for my family on the eve, and went into NYC on Christmas. I also had a nice party with friends Friday night. D10 and I got her dad a t shirt, and she wanted to make this candy board thing she saw on you tube. So, D10 and I have been working on it and it came out quite well. Some of you may have seen our completed project on FB. I gave D10 to open the gift at her father's, not in front of me. That night he sends me a picture of the gift saying "freaking awesome. Best gift ever, I loved it" My ex criticizes rather than compliments, so I was very happy he was happy which means he had the best reaction for D10. Which means the world for her. She was upset that gifts that were from her to everyone were chosen by someone else and they were just putting her name on it. She was happy to do something she thought up.
Now I got work for 3 days and D10 is with her dad until Sunday. We are rarely apart this long, but it's good for her to have this time with her dad. I believe OWW is working so maybe they will have some one on one time.
I have also made some personal goals for myself to strive for. One of them being to get up early during the week so I don't try to rush to get out the door. Today, I got up extra early, drank a large glass of water, made some coffee, stretched, did push ups and crunches and began my day much more relaxed. I go to bed early anyways because I have nothing to do at night, so I can afford to get up bright and early.
And UR, you are right. I cannot set myself up for disappointment in this dating thing. I need to just go with it and whatever happens, happens. I need to take that approach so I don't become frustrated and disappointed.
One disappointing thing is that I didn't get a pug for Christmas. But people know me so well, I got nice pug stuff:)
I am things are starting to shift for you. It takes time and patience to dig out of a deep depression. I read somewhere a long time ago that depression is about our past and anxiety is about our future. You don't have to answer my question...but has your IC ever delved into your past much? Maybe there is something there that has triggered the depression for you.
Take your time strolling around dating sites and if you find someone of interest, set up a separate email account under Hotmail, gmail, etc., and go from there. I know you know the drill by heart, but I'm always on the side of caution w/some of the people who are on those sites. I know this is tough, but try not to take what they say or do personally and if something doesn't feel right...end it first. You are the prize and shouldn't have to play second fiddle to anyone.
I loved the candy board. I thought it was a very unique gift and one to be treasured and I would frame it, if I had received it. Your daughter is a very intelligent and sensitive young lady and she's coming to realize that she wants to give gifts that she picks out and this candy board was one from the heart. I'm glad he liked it.
Your personal goals sound great and should be easy to keep.
Ginger, I think 2018 will be a far better year for you. Who knows...you just might get that little pug in the coming year...stay positive!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I have definitely delved into my past with my IC. I, like most, have some FOO issues going on here. My mother was a manic depressive. I also had a very lonely difficult childhood with my mother's addictions, mental hospital stays, rehab stays..... she just was not in a place to be a mom. She was never interested in my life. She was only interested in getting her next fix, which after she cleaned up from the drugs, became gambling. I had my dad, but no siblings. I lived an lonely childhood too. I did have friends, and when I was older, I spent most of my time away from home with my BFF at his home where his dad worked the late shift. I also through myself into work when I was old enough to work. I worked 2 jobs my senior year of high school. From 17 on was awful with my parents split and my mother falling back into drugs again. My dad left the house, I was left with a mom who was losing her ever loving mind (which we know happens during divorce)and she resented me for still loving him.
The irony of it all was that I took the "tough chick" attitude. I felt like nothing ever bothered me, that I could handle anything and that I was in no way a victim of my circumstance. Unfortunately it leaked out in the form of making bad decisions, and chosing a wrong partner.
But I just wanted normalcy. My depression now comes from trying to achieve this stuff as a kid, then trying as an adult, and having my ex happen, then having a renewal of hope after I dealt with the blow of what my life has become and what exH did. It came when another hope of a "normal and secure partner, and family once again left me. When hope was gone for that. When I was ready to be super vunerable but I had no one I can be vulnerable with.
My IC truly believes my depression isn't hereditary or a chemical imbalance. It's circumstansial. And even with it being circumstansial, it is still real and more magnified when I can't change my circumstance.
Sorry, that was a little long winded. But I often to delve into my past, and only now, in my late 30's do I even realize what an impact it had on me.
If you want to be taken to a place of peace and serenity, try doodler's ceremonial elixir. Make or buy some good hummus and tabbouleh salad, then put the hummus and salad on a piece of naan bread. Pair that with a small glass of your favorite wine. Turn on some good music and sit back and slowly eat the naan savoring each bite knowing that everything is perfect in that moment. Connect a whole bunch of those moments together and suddenly the whole universe becomes a wonderful place. (And you won't get thrown in jail for possession.)
Hey G. I'm sorry it's been such a hard road. Just know that even if you think you're alone in your suffering we haven't forgotten about what you're going through and I haven't posted daily I am with you every step of the way rooting you on.
It's funny, I really like watching movies and reading books about amazing people. Historical figures, competitors, businessmen. But in a way those people have it easy. When you're engaged in a battle where all eyes are on you and the outcome of your struggle will be witnessed by many it gives you a powerful motivation to succeed. For example, it wouldn't be easy to be a president facing decisions about what to do during a war, but it would be such an important situation on center stage that you'd be compelled to navigate through it.
A single mom that recovering from an injury dealing with feelings of exclusion from an ex that treated her like crap while trying to better her career in a political landscape and providing a joyous holiday for her daughter while she feels like she can't make it through the day- that's a battle. No, it won't be made into a biography, there aren't millions of lives at stake. But the fight is just as real and tough as anyone has ever faced. No, thousands of lives aren't at stake, and millions of people aren't watching. Just you and your daughters. And she's watching.
I just can't tell you enough how proud I am that you have fought through it time after time and that you were able to make her holiday a bright one. I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better and hope it lasts, but come what will I know you will win the fight. Good job G.
As for OLD, since it's something I've never tried before I'll let you be the first to test my ground breaking experimental solution. Since it seems like people get the opposite of what they are looking for, maybe you should throw together a profile saying you are looking for a one night stand with a married man that will abandon you if you somehow develop feelings for him. Reverse psychology your way into happily ever after ftw!
Merry Christmas.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I cannot begin to tell you how much your post means to me. You positive words and your encouragement along with you understanding helps to keep me going in a positive path, as it does everyone here. That's why I stick around:) I was reading your post on your thread and I just kept saying "wow". You are an amazing driven man and opening up everyday to new opportunities. And to see your passion, it's pretty inspiring. So I thank you for always stopping by. ANd man, your post n Newcomers was so awesome.
Oh, and your idea for online dating would be a very interesting experiement. It really did make me laugh. See what I am about to post as to why it ironic....
V- thank you and same to you. I feel very fortunate that I have had the chance to hug you! We just gotta keep on keepin' on, right?
So, online dating. I began texting with this guy who seems too normal. In the part of the app where you see if you both choose eachother as matches, we did. He was a long shot though, very Bradley cooper-esq, interesting career, lovely profile and in it says "NO- HOOKUP REQUESTS PLEASE" He actually sent me a message and we decided to bring it off line. He told me most women just ask to hookup and send him nudes. At one point he actually thanked me for not doing that. (zues, this is where I was wondering if he was using the reverse psychology that you suggested.) I am slowly learning about him. He is a widower, but I don't know the details. He is a farm scientist for a big well-known corporation and he actually lives in CA. He is moving here. He has been here for a month trying to buy a house and he left for CA to go get his two teenage kids yesterday. he actually texted me when he left and when he landed. He asked me today if it is weird that he keeps thinking about me and really wants to get to know me.
here is the kicker. He told me he is talking to another woman off line that he hadn't met. He told me this upfront. He said he feels uncomfortable, but he wants to be honest. I told him I understand, because we aren't dating and he has no commitment to me. I said all I ask is that he tells me when and if he chooses to pursue her exclusively so I can bow out gracefully. So we have that agreed. It kind of feels weird knowing, but I am sure many do this but don't tell.
I keep think I might be getting catfished because he just seems so cool and sweet and he is crazy good looking. Maybe I am getting catfished, who knows? But there is only one way to find out. I am having fun just talking to him for the time being, we will see what happens when he gets back from CA if he makes the move to meet. It's entertaining and enjoyable for now anyways, and I am not attached to any outcome and I have zero expectation.
Just a funny side note, at PT last night my boyfriend wasn't there because he went to see family out of state. There was the morning guy covering for him who looks a lot like although a little hotter an older, lol. he helped me out a bit, we joked an dhe got me an ice back at the end and all seductively says "no one used this all day, I have been making it nice and cold for you" I said uh-oh, I think I am replacing chris!! He says "that's the idea". One of the other physical therapists said to me "your guy isn't here to bring you water today, do you miss him?" Chris always runs out to the lobby and brings me back two cups of water without me asking when I begin my cardio portion. Apparently the other therapists have been noticing how he spoils me.
And I realized I AM spoiled there. I told them no one takes care of me this much anywhere else and I really appreciate it.
That's all for now. Waiting to get the heck out of this place and begin my 3 days weekend!!
Hmmmmmm I've got a great gut. I have talked about that in the past. It has served me very well other than if I really like someone then not so much. FWIW I get a good feeling about the therapy guys, especially that co-workers have noticed.
But this online guy... Strong, strong reaction that feels so BS. All of these women are looking for hookups? Really? Why does that not bear out in the real world? How many women do you know G not only looking for a hookup but willing to be up front and pursue it? Some may accept it, especially after drinking but going after it with that being the goal? But then he says they send him nude pics? Without him asking? Now I really call BS on that unless HE is the one being fished. I've never been accused of being crazy good looking but the only "women" sending nude pics are not real in the first place. He may be getting hit by these people and just doesn't realize it. They are often 25 years younger, claim they are into older guys - it's all a scam. Beyond that, how many women do you know sending nude pics to people they've never met?
So something is not adding up either he's getting played and doesn't know it or he's doing the playing. Take that heart off your sleeve and have fun seeing where it goes. No harm in that.
Do with this what you will and take it with whatever grain needed but my BS detector has been activated.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
. You know, whatever you need to pull yourself up and out is ok. If waiting to see what unfolds isnt it, then, going proactive may very well be. 