Husband gone for second time - new here

[Vanilla]

Nicole

I saw your post to Cherry and having read your threads can see the wonderful perceptive Sotto encouraging you to take excellent care of you.

I echo that thought.

This process is a Marathon not a sprint. And extreme self care, I mean extreme self care, ordinary day to day stuff is insufficient.

Van der Kolk in his excellent book The body keeps the score, talks about the physiological effects of the trauma and stress. (Moderator this is a physiology based book......). That book changed my life, in that it taught me to focus on the things that keep me well.

Each of us has their own way of doing this and finding your way is key. It appears that looking after you will reduce the damage and perhaps even reverse past damage.

Now at the turn of the year is a great time for health goals. I strongly recommend them. If you read my threads you will find my goals and inspirations. Apart from the last 10lbs I have achieved every one.

I am proud to say I am healthier than ever having recovered from pneumonia, frozen shoulders, bowel disorder and oh those teeth accesses, mouth ulcers, hair loss. I had chest pains and joint inflammation.

All gone.

If an old cluck like V can do it, so can a whipper snapper like Nicole. ANd it's hard work to do and truly worth it. The gentle supportive RD really encouraged me along that road.

It's time dear Nicole to put you and your health as no 1 priority, not sure exactly what that means to you, sleep, juicing, exercise, self care, grooming, new clothes hair etc. IC, L advice, retrear

The impressive green grass turned her look around.

The ones that last here are those that use this amazing board as the opportunity for support for self change. This journey is about you and that includes goals for your health and extreme care.

So challenge

What are your goals for you?

What can you do to get back on track with your health?

Do you have bad habits that are wearing you down?


V

[Cherry]

V has given some amazing advise ^^ listen, take it in. This is a tough lengthy process, but the heart and soul of it needs to be you. I know, as a mom to a young kid- you just want to protect and put them first, which is great. BUT, you also need to take care of you in order to be good for your daughter.

What was it that initially attracted your H to you? What kind of a girl were you then? Did you have any particular hobbies or interests that made you feel good? Tap into those thoughts, not for the sake of trying to turn his head, but your own sanity. It might seem a little superficial, but i was always well kept, groomed, polished and well dressed. I didn’t totally let that slide, but now I’m enjoying the freedom of choosing clothes and buying purchases i would have felt guilty doing in my M. A few new pieces to boost my confidence and make me feel good are money well spent in my opinion.

WRT taking your daughter out, and seeing all the happy couples- i know your pain. I’m sure we all do. But it’s that time of year everyone looks all dreamy, i think they also seem magnified when we are going through this process. This will pass, I’m not personally at that stage it doesn’t bother me at all, but the pain is by far less. Enjoy the moment, you have been blessed with a child, there’s some really lonely people out there that are completely alone. You’ve got a beautiful little girl looking up to her mama, and she will be proud of you.

The dating and feeling like you’ll be alone forever is also hard. But try not to worry about something you cannot control. You never know what lies in your future, maybe it will be one were you h pulls his head out of his a$$ and reconnects, or maybe someone else will come along and cherish you and then the whole past will make sense to you.

Don’t get me wrong, i know this is easier said than done. Every thought in your head i have already thought. But take things in baby steps and work on some short term goals that you can manage. And work on you, put the time into yourself, and believe you are worth it. You’re not ready for the scrap heap my darling, you have a lot to offer any man. But you have to believe that yourself and know that you are worth so much more than he is currently valuing you at. Next time he’s over, turn up the confidence and see how he reacts. It may be fake it until you make it, but even faking some confidence helps you feel that you’re the one in the driving seat.

[Caz49]

I wish I could give you a hug Nicole!
The times I've wandered through places, tears running down my face. It's awful feeling alone in a crowd. You're being so strong, you've probably been so strong for so long you don't recognise it in yourself. But look at what you've achieved! Raising your little girl almost alone, taking on work and living the nightmare that is your husbands selfishness for so many years. You deserve more than a marriage of convenience. And there is someone out there that will have the same beliefs you do. There will be ways of meeting a man of similar beliefs, whether that is through a certain church or a dating site just for situations like these. There are dating sites for everything these days!

I have the same worries as you though. I so don't want to be alone, I'd love a new relationship if my H cannot or will not make the changes needed to pull our marriage out of the dumpster. I acknowledge that I also need to make changes too...I've pushed H away due to my hurt and lonely feelings.
But I simply can't imagine being with anyone else, or anyone else wanting to be with me. And that is a mindset that will need to change and I'm confident that it will change in the future if I need to make that adjustment. And I think it will for you too Nicole. Once the hurt feelings and intense pain begin to subside, you will begin to open up to new experiences and dating and finding love again will be one of them.

I wish you a peaceful run up to 2018 and I wholeheartedly hope 2018 will bring you better health and much joy with your daughter and within yourself. You deserve it.

[NicoleR]

Hi All,

Thanks for your responses! I hope to respond to each of them tonight. In the meantime, I was reading FastCars's thread. I lost the DB book and mistakenly ordered the old version and so I'm not totally up-to-date on everything the new DB book says to do. Someone posted a reminder about removing all pressure and talk of the relationship. This is one area where I've failed. Even after my husband returned two years ago I would approach him every few months asking about our relationship and when we'd work on it. Now after he left again I told him I'm planning to move this spring and have asked for his financial support with moving costs and getting resettled. That creates pressure, right? Now I'm second guessing whether I should have just tried to struggle silently here where I am for a few more months, not talking about any plans, and getting a life to the extent possible in place where I don't plan to stay. I still wish to believe that I've done everything possible to fix my marriage before giving up and don't want to look back in ten years and realize that I never gave my husband the break he needed to think. On the other hand, since this has been going for years, how much longer does he deserve a 'break?" It's so confusing!

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

I hear you on the confusing...BUT...there comes a time when you have to put yourself first and foremost top priority.

By asking for aid in moving, I don't believe this is the sort of pressure DB mentions. You are showing that you're moving on with your life and doing it with everyone's best interests at heart. You could say you're taking the pressure OFF H because you'll no longer be a constant reminder of how selfish he's become!

You're not pressuring your H to follow you, give up his career or bang on about your relationship...you are trying to get a job where theres more chance of better pay and reward for you and your daughter. Be strong, don't waver on this if it's truly what you want and believe to be the best course of action for your life to flourish.

It's a scary process, leaving behind what we've grown used to, but I feel you're strong enough...You deserve a life you want to live.

[Jim1234]

That creates pressure, right? Now I'm second guessing whether I should have just tried to struggle silently here where I am for a few more months, not talking about any plans, and getting a life to the extent possible in place where I don't plan to stay.

The way I see it, you're second guessing yourself over nothing. He's literally had years to work on the marriage. A few more months wouldn't have made a difference. And if anything, I think it takes the pressure off him. Also, you leaving might just be the catalyst he needs to see what he's losing.

[PsySara]

I'm going to agree with Caz here. You are removing all pressure on your H and allowing him to see you move on. If anything it will provide some food for thought to your H. He will realize you are taking control of your life and doing whatever necessary to thrive.

[NicoleR]

Thanks Caz, Jim, and Sara for today's responses. Let me address the previous ones -

Jim, I appreciate your blend of practical advice and sympathy. The point about confidence is a good reminder. Honestly I don't have confidence about much at the moment. Everything that gave me confidence previously is gone now. Sometimes I'll remember something from 10 or 15 years ago, like climbing 18,000 foot mountains in the Himalayas or getting compliments from high level US government officials about my work and I'm totally shocked that was me. Sometimes I'll read something I wrote 10 years ago and can't believe I wrote that. Sometimes I'll remember the truly happy times in my life previously and feel numb. It will take a lot of time and effort to believe that life isn't over and to feel better. I keep trying to fake happiness for my daughter each day and put all of my energy into her upbringing. It's hard because she's much, much stronger than I am and it's hard to diffuse a toddler tantrum or re-direct an angry toddler but she's also so sweet and loving. I keep worrying what will happen to her if anything happens to me. Jim, it's like I hear what you're saying and believe it but just have trouble feeling it.

As far as a conservative or Muslim man - that's the thing. A conservative Muslim man wouldn't work because such man would want a woman who covers her hair and follows the rules of the religion. I don't mind following the rules within reason but I'm too progressive and moderate for a conservative Muslim. A conservative Christian man is likely to be a little too gung-ho and close minded so wouldn't work either. A moderate Muslim or Christian would work for me, but then I think I'm too conservative for them because I don't want a physical relationship before marriage. The list kind of goes on because I guess that's what happens when we get older and realize what works and doesn't work for us. There's no man in the whole world that I know other than my husband who I want to be with in the future. If there was someone else I'd probably feel much better about everything. I'd never have an affair but if I was aware of someone available who *might* be an option someday I'd probably have a lot more hope. There's no one though....

Vanilla, that's so great to think about reversing past damage. It's amazing you did all that! Way to go! I'd love to fix what's wrong with me. I'm working on the physical part but not enough on the psychological part. I'm still not feeling physically better from my current ailment after completing the treatment so it's hard to have much hope that I'll ever get better. On the other hand I did have a few past illnesses that appeared to be chronic that did resolve so I guess I should be less guarded. I did see a dentist this week about tooth whitening and treatment for a misaligned tooth and I consulted with a plastic surgeon about a minor procedure that might help an issue on my face. I've already been on a strict diet regimen for years - vegetarian, no sugar, no salt, organic, mainly fresh fruit and vegetables. Now in addition I'm on a no fat, no dairy, no gluten diet. There's almost nothing left to eat so I look like a walking skeleton. I do use high quality skin products and wear good quality clothing but I guess the part where I'm lacking the most is the energy to pull everything together at once - hair, makeup, clothing, diet, exercise, and psychological state. It's like I can do one or two of those things in any given day but not all. Right now diet requires 90% effort because there's so little I can eat so every calorie has to count. My hope is that when my daughter starts elementary (primary) school in 1.5 years I'll have a little more freedom and can achieve more in any given day. Right now I'm the sole caretaker of a toddler girl, otherwise there's a lot more I'd be doing. I'll keep working on everything. As noted above if I could just see the world more positively again and not feel so weighed down with fears and limitations I think it'd help heal the physical ailments. The functional medicine doctor I saw said to try to forget that I'm sick. Maybe I should just care less. Another doctor suggested SSRI's (depression medication) and I even picked up the prescription but when I looked at the warnings and list of side effects I didn't dare take them. They sounded terrifying (suicidal thoughts, racing heart, hallucinations, etc..). Why would I want to make things worse? My counselor and psychologist both agree with my decision to move back to the city where I can focus on my career so I guess that's the next big step. Self-care might be easier when I have more money and more resources to go to the best hair dresser and buy better shoes and perhaps feel some sense of dignity or respect for myself again.

Cherry, when I met my husband I had a high profile career and had body guards escorting me around wherever I went. My husband said I was a 'distant star' to him. He was a local in the country where I was working. To him I was someone important and wealthy and pursuing my passion and evidently happy to be doing what I was doing. To be honest what I'm doing now, mostly staying at home raising my daughter, isn't my passion. I love her and I'm so honored to have her and thankful for her but diapers and mopping and laundry and organizing toys and cleaning up craft supplies and going through the same exact mindless repetitive routine every single day to the point of dropping dead at the end-of-the-day isn't my thing. I'm totally drained. I used to work 12 - 18 hour days and would fall asleep still thinking about my work and would wake up the next morning and do it again. I loved it and I was a workaholic. My husband somehow admired me. Now I'm totally boring to my husband and since I already feel bored I feel I'm boring to myself. I also saw pictures online of the women my husband dated over the past few years and of course they're much younger and childless and have all the time in the world to apply make up and style their hair. My husband goes for the model type, which I'm not, and after battling my daughter all day, cooking, and cleaning I look in the mirror and have trouble imagining how I could ever compete with any of those women. I can't. But I'll try to fake confidence. I also need to be more realistic with my expectations and try to view success differently now than I did previously. Raising a small human alone without help is much harder than my career ever was. It's also more rewarding in the long-term so I try to remember that I interrupted my career for something that is more important than a project, title, or salary. Family is more important and there is a lot to learn from the sacrifice that I knew nothing about previously. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Caz, it sounds like we understand each other well. Your thoughts are almost exactly mine. I'd love to find someone better than my husband someday. Someone who won't just lose interest after the first few years and walk away. I also know that no one is perfect and any new man will have his own flaws so sometimes I think taking my husband back with his known flaws would be better. Then I look at all my happily married friends and family members and know I should raise my expectations. There are minor flaws and major flaws and my husband has major ones. It would be easier if I could picture a few other guys who I'd like to date. There just are none. I hope though you, Caz, do meet someone sooner than later. You sound lovely and I think your whole world would change with a man who loves you and treats you well. Same with me. I will try to survive alone but I've never aspired to be alone. I don't believe humans are designed to live alone. We're designed to live in families and communities with many close connections with others. The most important of all should be our spouse. It doesn't feel fair to those of us who want a partner but are abandoned by the ones we chose.

All, it's late now but ASAP I'll respond to your messages about doing the right thing by moving. It's a big relief to hear that I didn't make a major mistake, although I did include potential divorce fees in the new financial spreadsheet I sent my husband to help him understand what he needs to save / budget for.

[Jim1234]

Nicole, your confidence will return. It may take awhile, but it will. Right now you have the most important job in the world, and you're doing it very well. Unfortunately, there's just no one to tell you that. Also, some GAL activities will bring you confidence and a sense of accomplishment. It will just take a little time. Allow yourself that time.

My W had chronic health issues, too. She was pretty much bedridden for most of 8 years. Health issues will take a toll on a marriage, but mostly it will take a toll on your psyche. And having a toddler makes it that much harder. All I can say is that over time, as your health improves, so will your outlook.

I know you were scared by the side effects of some of the prescribed drugs, but remember, they are "possible" side effects. During clinical trials, some number of people had these side effects. It could be as few as 2 per thousand. Thats miniscule, but in today's litigious world, pharma companies have to put it on the bottle. YOUR odds of having this side effect are miniscule. And at worst, you can just stop taking the drug. It might make for a few uncomfortable days, but it might improve the rest of your life.

Stop worrying if men will find you attractive. You are attractive, and will be more so when you have more confidence, and lose your H. You keep mentioning reasons why it won't work with this type of man or the other type. You are making excuses for failures that haven't happened yet. OK, so a conservative Muslim man probably won't happen. But stop being so closed minded about everyone else. There are plenty of moderates and conservatives, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, pagan, animist, whatever, who will treat you with respect and love you. You might have to kiss more frogs than some of us to find them, but so what?

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

I hear in you what resonates in me...better the devil we know! I see the flaws and the things that make me love H. They are a sum of all their parts. I see the vulnerability that H doesn't even know he has. And this is what keeps me hooked.

And oh boy it's a tough one to break. I don't want to date anyone, the thought of it fills me with all kinds of ick...and yet I know there is someone out there who is better suited, more compatible and will be more devoted to me and want me to be devoted to him. I just wish I could picture myself with him. One day!

And thank you! You sound lovely too! I wish we could start a club and all meet up and rejoice in our friendship.

Nicole, the great thing about you, you were able to shift your priorities, and D was the most important thing in your life, then came your health...if your H couldn't or wouldn't put his needs...just for a while...on the back burner, then he is not deserving of your head space. Yes, we do have to make our partners feel needed, but my guess is your H has an almighty chip on his shoulder where he needs to be up front and centre of all the attention.
You put an amazing career on hold to begin a family, H should be proud, not bent out of shape because you didn't fit into his 'get his juices flowing' dreams.

But if you truly want to rekindle your career, then go for it...looking over your shoulder with 'hey, oh did you want something H?' He just may think...Whaaat is going on???

He seems to need a whole lot of growing up to do. And if you truly love him I believe he needs a wake up call. (I say if you truly love him because I'm thinking is he better the devil you know) BUT I'm no expert and following my own advice is scary as all h@@@

Have a super Christmas with your little girl. It's such a wonderful time, and I will be here if you feel like venting come Christmas Day xx