MLC Husband Wants Divorce After 16 Years Of Marria

[Sotto]

I must admit, I'm thinking the same thing. His behaviour in the marriage sounds borderline abusive to me. The whole utensil drawer, brands thing you describe is a little extreme and you may find you have a huge sense of relief to be out of this situation.

Reading codependent no more helped me a great deal in the early days. Two big useful questions came out of that book for me and I regularly ask myself them to this day:

Does this work for me? (If not, what would work for me?)
What do I need to do to look after myself in this situation?

Now, I'm a recovering people-pleaser, who finds it hard to put personal boundaries in place, so these questions have been important ones for me.

Hope this helps anyway and I agree on the L front. Particularly with the dynamic you have (he calls the shots etc.) In my case, XH didn't want a L, but after considerable nagging on this forum, I got one myself - and truly I never regretted that decision and it helped me stand up for myself during the D process.

Just keep moving forward and focus on rebuilding your own life :-)

[JTO]

Wow, I'm glad your situation worked out favorably. It is hard to come to terms with such a giant upheaval.

[JTO]

There are definitely more sides to the situation and I don't want to paint him unfairly. I've made lists and found more positives than negatives. He has always been supportive of my music hobby and has bought me a few guitars over the years along with having a special computer built for me and purchased quality recording software and peripherals that I cherish and enjoy. He has on occasion brought me random gifts, given flowers, and just the other day I rembembered coming home years ago to an upgraded fish tank and he had put a note on it for me to find that said, "of all the fish in the sea, you are the only one for me" (I suppose that is no longer true at this point...). He has rubbed my feet and helped me when I was ill and when my mother died a few years ago he was beyond considerate and caring. There are a lot of little daily gestures as well. I don't like the person n he is being right now. Rather, I don't like the things he is doing, but even with the bad stuff overall there has been more happiness that I can recall than bad. The things that are bad are just awful, but I am just a furiously persistent optimist in life and can also be a bit of a Pollyanna. I like the 180 approach so far, though. I do feel like it is generating interesting results.

[JTO]

I am going to seek out that book. Thank you for mentioning it. I am a people pleaser, definitely and it sounds like that book would have a lot of valuable information to help.

[kml]

Ugh. I experienced the husband (now ex) who kept thinking he could be happy if only I changed. Every change was met with a new different demand. because basically, he was an unhappy person and it had NOTHING to do with me. Often, the person who is trying to get out of the relationship looks for something - anything - to justify it, and if you foil their plans by changing to please them, they just look for something else to criticize.

My ex actually told me that I "walk too heavy". And not only that, but I TAUGHT our daughter to walk too heavy!

Now - first of all, I checked with all my friends, and they all denied that I had any kind of unusually heavy tread. But even if I did - and my daughter did too - wouldn't you assume it was genetic, not that I deliberately taught her??? I mean, that's the level of absurdity that they have to stoop to when there's nothing legitimate to justify their actions!

Meanwhile - exactly how much changing has he done to accommodate you? Very little I would guess.

And as for him punishing you for not getting pregnant - if you're not using protection and don't get pregnant, how is that your fault??? And at 42, your risk of Down syndrome is roughly 1 in 50. If you both really want to be parents, why not adopt? And if you DON'T want to raise a child (which is a perfectly valid choice) no one should push you into that huge commitment.

Really, despite the good times in the relationship (even abusers are nice sometimes, btw) you should really be asking yourself if he treats you like you deserve. And why you are accepting less than you deserve from him.

I'll tell you my story in a nutshell. I was with my ex for 26 years. He always had a tendency to be critical (which I, because I'm pretty confident, mostly brushed off). I remember one incident in our first year of marriage, we got some photos back from our honeymoon, of us hiking in the Alps. I had a pair of short shorts on (the only ones I could find in the store there, I'd forgotten to pack any) and one photo was taken from below with me standing on one leg - an unflattering angle guaranteed to show any hint of saddlebags. Although I was a skinny 5'6" 118 lbs, I am a woman and did have tiny saddlebags. My ex, of course, had to comment on them. But when his best friend saw the picture, HIS comment was "lookin' GOOD!".

Just one example of how skewed my ex's view of the world was.

When my ex had an affair 15 years into the marriage, his criticism ramped up. I DB'd my butt off and we reconciled, had several good years until he left in a cloud of midlife crisis smoke when he turned 50. And you know what I discovered dating in my 50's? EVERY man I dated thought I was just great just the way I was. And they ALL thought my ex was an idiot to let me go!

So go ahead and do things the way you want to do them, wear your hair the way you want to , wear lipstick if you want to. I. like you, thought accommodating my ex was just what you did in a marriage, but the truth was, he could never be satisfied and he really respected me more when I stood up to him.

And DEFINITELY get a lawyer if you have property. You don't have to go to court - you can go through mediation if you choose. Or even let YOUR lawyer draw the whole thing up. But you need a lawyer who is looking after your interests and will make sure you get what you deserve in a divorce. Nobody here EVER saved their marriage by giving things away in a divorce. Don't let him take advantage of you (like his crazy thinking that he would get half the list price of the house rather than half the equity lolol!!!).

And do not let him guilt you into getting pregnant. If you don't want to do it, don't. And if you don't want kids, don't adopt either.

There are worse things than being divorced at your age. I'm not saying it will come to that - he MIGHT pull his head out of his A$$ and come to his senses - but he's actually more likely to do that if you move forward with your life. (Btw, I suspect in the U.S. we will see a spike in divorces in the coming year, as it's the last year that a man can deduct alimony from his taxes - divorce in 2019 and you still have to pay taxes on that money.)

In my case, I'm glad my H and I reconciled that first time, because it meant he didn't leave until our youngest child was 17. But if I didn't have the kids - it would have been better for me if he had left when I was in my 40's. Dating in my fifties was fine but not as many options as I would have had in my 40's - and now I'm single and 61, definitely fewer options (although I still can find dates if I want them ).

I'm not saying not to try to save your marriage - but try to take of the rose colored glasses and see your husband for who he truly is. He's not treating you fairly and you should demand more. And he should know that if he doesn't step up to the plate and treat you with the respect you deserve, there are other men who will!

[JTO]

H came home after work and I shared the tenderloin I had cooked with him. Even up until a few days ago he would thank me for making dinner, but not tonight. He wanted to go back to his obsessive discussion about how to go about getting a separation agreement and that he is refinancing his car tomorrow and taking my name off.

I was FINALLY able to get through to help on the phone company and was able to break my cell phone and tablet off his account. They gave me an excellent deal as well. But H was back to pushing separation agreement and hinting we should write it ourselves. I said I wasn't comfortable with that and we both have next Thursday off and are talking to a lawyer then. He has gone back to being barely cordial. This [censored].

[Ginger1]

KML's posting was great. I lived much of what you both did. Living my life for my exH, the way he wanted me to live it. I also thought that's what you were supposed to do for your spouse. Until I realized it was a one way street and he wouldn't do the same for me.

I will add, my exH and I had to do IVF. He was born with a genetic disorder called COngenital Absence of the Vas Defrens. I needed IVF, he needed to have his nuts cut open. There is zero chance of him impregnating anyone. It was stressful for both of us, but my body was seriously going through the ringer with all the hormones And my pregnancy was high risk and I worked a very physically demanding job. I decided in my life it was time to take care of me a little. I had hoped ex would be ok with that and perhaps take care of me a little too. But that was my chance to take off the rose colored glasses. He cheated instead, left me when our daughter was 6 months old and is married to that woman this very day, 10 years later.

KML's advice to take off the rose colored glasses and be yourself and do what you want to do is excellent advice, especially before you have kids. This will really open your eyes to what kind of partner he really is. I carried the weight of our R for so long and it got REALLY heavy.

His urgency to D I am afraid is probably related to an affair partner. I am sorry to have to speculate this. Just keep doing what you are doing and make sure you get a lawyer.

[JTO]

Thank you so much for the response and the advice. I'm trying to look realistically at things and it is a struggle to want the R to be repaired and know he is so beyond thinking of "us" right now. I pretty much believe it is an affair. Not sure who it could be since he was so hyper about me being taken off the phone bill and not having access to info. I did notice on our joint bank account this morning that yesterday he sent flowers to someone in another state where we don't know anyone, but apparently he does.

He was in a barely polite mood this morning and I guess my comment about deserving half the value of his car really got under his skin because he told me he was going to the dealership today to refinance his car and get my name off it. I haven't tried to discuss with him his monthly portion of household bills and the amount because he is going to go ballistic. He really has no concept of how much all our bills are totaled up and with what he is splitting out plus him wanting to save money up it is going to take him awhile. I think he is just banking on a large chunk of change from what he will get from the house when I buy him out and he is really anxious about getting it done.

[JTO]

Also, today is the anniversary of my mother's death a few years ago, my best friend (from all the way back to 9th grade and aside from my husband was my only close friend) died unexpectedly a few months ago, then my grandfather a couple of days later and then my aunt the next month and the entire year has been challenging at work. So all of this stuff with my H on top of everything else just made 2017 a really horrendous year. For the first time in almost years I am going to a salon today and then spending the rest of it doing things that my mother and I would have enjoyed together.

[Sotto]

Hi JTO, I'm sorry it has been a rough year and I hope you have a nice time at the salon and doing things you and your Mum enjoyed - we all deserve a little break and self-care.

So, there's a theme with your postings of - I can't do this or he's gonna go ballistic. Actually, at a time like this, it is really important to protect your own interests. And if he is talking about separating, to get some clear advice about what separating is going to mean financially.

I would be concerned about your name coming off anything without you having been duly advised and agreeing to that change. Please don't be bullied by him and do get some good advice so that you understand your rights in this situation.

Xx