180/LRT part 2

[Holding]

Hang in there, Dusty!

Please don't feel like the oddball. You've had to live through in-house S, which is its own form of hell. I think you've handled it well. My STBXW just moved out, so we'll see how that goes for me.

[dusty70]

H, good to hear from you! Hear we are again, almost spot on timing wise. I know i'm not the oddball as we all have a strange parallel of some sort. As you know first hand the in house S was hell and I was looking forward to her moving out, when she did(xmas eve!) I felt sad knowing it was most likely the end. I will tell you this, I was very tough the first couple days without my kids and I found myself sitting around playing the woe is me card, very easy to do as I felt overwhelmed with the giant task at hand. It wasn't until I ran into an friend who went through divorce years ago who snapped me out of it, we had a good talk over a couple beers and I came away with a whole new outlook on where I'm at.

With that, I know you are staying busy with GAL but make sure you don't have any down time and let your mind sit stagnant, stay busy with anything even if it's cleaning the house. Stay strong, it does get easier!

[Holding]

Hey Dusty, how's it going?

In your signature it says "D 12/2017". Is your D final?

[dusty70]

H, still not final. Trying to figure out out some financial stuff. Was accused of dragging it out because "I don't want a divorce" is what my L was told. I assured her I wanted this over. I have finally started to drop my anger toward what my W has done to my family and doubled down on myself and my kids, not having her in the house has really sped this process up. My D11 and S13 seem to be struggling with the new normal, S13 has times when he looks depressed and and keeps to himself which for him is not his character. D11 has been very clingy to me lately and has adopted the roll of mom in both houses, I am constantly talking with her to let her know that it's not her roll and that I can handle everything. They both constantly ask if I'm doing ok, I thank them for caring about me but tell them everything is fine.

S17 has been staying at XW house but not all the time, he's kind of on his own schedule, XW did attempt to tell him that he has to stay at her house(per schedule) and sort of blamed me which seems to be her new normal as all of this seems to be my fault. I will say that thankfully my kids grades have improved! D11 and S13 finished the semester with straight A's and S17 finished with A's and B's! So proud of them!!

GAL is going good, still down 65lbs but starting to bulk up a bit(got a trip to the Caribbean in two months) Going to the gym 5/6 days a week, started another Divorce Care session, still seeing my IC, tons of little projects on the house and starting to map out my summer trips with and without my kids. I'm going to invest in a good cyclecross bike and start putting on some miles, love riding for fitness, helps my body and clears my mind! Helps me learn how to be by myself and not depend on anyone.

I have finally excepted my role into the demise of our M, there were issues I've swept under the rug over the years and I'm sure she did as well. I needed to make changes to me, just wish she would have given me the chance before she went down the path she did, that does not give her the right to be wayward but I do see my share of the fault. Live and learn I guess, It will all work out!!

[AnotherStander]

Sounds like you're doing great Dusty, good job on everything! Glad you dropped by for an update

Was accused of dragging it out because "I don't want a divorce" is what my L was told.

How dare you drag things out of respect for your marriage, your kids and your renegade wife! What is wrong with you? You're not supposed to conduct yourself with dignity! Seriously, half the stuff that comes out of their mouths is eye-rolling worthy.

[NicoleR]

Dusty, I posted about the same thing recently - the realization of all the things I did wrong and wishing to have a second chance. I punished my husband so much for his affair that I became a bad wife and he avoided me until he finally left. I guess marriages that are successful still have problems, but the spouses give each other second chances. I guess our spouses simply don't love us anymore and don't see any reason to give us another chance. Wish they could at least do it for our kids. I hope this passes quickly for you so you can figure out your life after divorce.

[Holding]

Thanks for the update, Dusty! I think you're headed in a good direction.

H, still not final. Trying to figure out out some financial stuff. Was accused of dragging it out because "I don't want a divorce" is what my L was told. I assured her I wanted this over.

My XW wasn't too happy with the timeline of our D either. At one point she told me, "I don't know what the hold up is. Do you think I'm going to change my mind? Cause I'm not."

I have finally started to drop my anger toward what my W has done to my family and doubled down on myself and my kids, not having her in the house has really sped this process up.

YES!

They both constantly ask if I'm doing ok, I thank them for caring about me but tell them everything is fine.

That's really touching that they're concerned for you. Be thankful for your awesome kids!

... started another Divorce Care session ...

Are you taking it again because you missed some the first time, or do you need a refresher?

I have finally excepted my role into the demise of our M, there were issues I've swept under the rug over the years and I'm sure she did as well. I needed to make changes to me, just wish she would have given me the chance before she went down the path she did, that does not give her the right to be wayward but I do see my share of the fault. Live and learn I guess, It will all work out!!

Ah, now we're getting down to business! I've been doing this too. I keep playing back old memories, and it upsets me that I didn't see the signs. It would have been nice to fix things in the M, but we can still fix ourselves for whatever comes next.

[Gordie]

One thing that struck me. When your kids ask how you are doing, I don’t think you have to say you are fine all the time. Don’t lean on them for support, but I do think it’s okay to be honest to say I’m having a rough day, thanks for asking. How are you? They can sense when you aren’t fine which is why they ask.

[dusty70]

Thanks AS,Nicole, Holding and Gordie...
Sorry for long response.

How dare you drag things out of respect for your marriage, your kids and your renegade wife! What is wrong with you? You're not supposed to conduct yourself with dignity! Seriously, half the stuff that comes out of their mouths is eye-rolling worthy.

AS.... I know, can't believe this woman I loved has turned to name calling and blaming me for everything, so to date I have been accused of hiding money, dragging this D out, being a bad dad, her drinking habit, lazy, setting poor eating and lifestyle examples for the kids and so on! None of this is true, our close family and friends are blown away that she has said this about me! Guess she needs to justify her decision. Everything I do now is to protect my kids and myself, they are hurting and I am the only one seeing it.

- the realization of all the things I did wrong and wishing to have a second chance. I punished my husband so much for his affair that I became a bad wife and he avoided me until he finally left.

Nicole.... he cheated on you, I feel you have all the right to punish him for what HE did(within reason and the law. lol). My W actually told me she did this to make it easier for her to walk away(exit affair). I too wanted a second chance but I am at the point that I no longer want that. I am perfectly fine being on my own for now, my W has become someone I don't know or find attractive one bit. I will have a "second chance" just not with the person my W is now!

They both constantly ask if I'm doing ok, I thank them for caring about me but tell them everything is fine.

That's really touching that they're concerned for you. Be thankful for your awesome kids!

They don't ask this as much as they used to but from time to time. The silver lining is I've become so much closer to the three of them. I now have different things to do with each of them, to make sure I am giving them equal time and attention. They love it, I can see it in their faces!

I have finally excepted my role into the demise of our M, there were issues I've swept under the rug over the years and I'm sure she did as well. I needed to make changes to me, just wish she would have given me the chance before she went down the path she did, that does not give her the right to be wayward but I do see my share of the fault. Live and learn I guess, It will all work out!!

Ah, now we're getting down to business! I've been doing this too. I keep playing back old memories, and it upsets me that I didn't see the signs. It would have been nice to fix things in the M, but we can still fix ourselves for whatever comes next.

I didn't see the signs as well, I thought everything was fine, it has taken me months of therapy, support groups and the very kind people on this site to understand my role. I still have lots of work to do but the path seems a lot clearer.

Also, Divorce Care.... a different class(or session) about Healing. It's been good so far.

One thing that struck me. When your kids ask how you are doing, I don’t think you have to say you are fine all the time. Don’t lean on them for support, but I do think it’s okay to be honest to say I’m having a rough day, thanks for asking. How are you? They can sense when you aren’t fine which is why they ask.

Gordie.... spot on! I will tell them if I'm having a bad day, it's not always good, the good days far outweigh the bad though. When my W first moved out I was leaning on them a bit, I talked to my IC about this and she set me straight, it's now flipped the other way. My kids need me and i'm always there for them!

[Holding]

Dusty, what's up? How are things with you?