Feel for you Mark Emotions can surface at any time. I was having irrational feelings about someone else recently which have now subsided but the upshot was all the emotions came back and the "strength" evaporated. So yes we are being human (and prob being multifaceted men as well!)
Take care
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
V I understand you've had it particularly hard in your situation and commend you for staying strong in the face of adversity it does you credit and sets the example for the rest to follow.
I've come to realise over this past couple of days that whilst they're in their A there really is NOTHING we can do, I hope all the recently betrayed take notice and just start to work on themselves and their children and stop concentrating on their WS.
It's futile we need to remember as much as we'd like to affect the A we're on their timetable IF WE WANT TO RC THE MR. So use the time and try and enjoy it doing things you've always wanted to whether it's getting in the best shape of your life or learning a new skill, do it with vigure and remain confident with a smile on your face always.
Here's to 2018...
M
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
There is a sense in which the more badly behaved the wayward is the harder it hits. However the other side of that is that the surer we become of our direction.
The harder we work on ourselves, the more GAL we do and the extreme care we take then the more the growth we make.
Post traumatic growth is real and tangible. I am experiencing it.
It's paradoxical, for a while I lost my connection to my higher power and I felt lonely. Losing my aged ma and pa leaves me the senior member of my family. I certainly wasn't any kind of leader before this.
I have observed here that it is ALWAYS the LBS that decides it's finished. Often at the end of it, we have outgrown the wayward.
That is how it is, I do believe that.
That WW was attracted to you is a given and that attraction can return, it's a scarey thought though. So for some staying unattractive (grey rock) is ideal, however I use breeze block that is grey brick wall with a much improved V behind.
And let's think about OP, either they are duped or new fodder and an affair down. Why do I say affair down? Who would be with someone in an R even if they say they are S? Especially if that S is in house!
Triangulation that's standard makes the wayward feels good. The BIT haunts my FB page, makes me smile. She has copied my style and wears my clothes, even my jewellery........ Gone blonde, wears black bardot tops and heart shaped jewellery.
Makes me roar with laughter.
Feel sad for the OP, you know what is to come.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Initially in the early stages of my situation everyone could see I was TOTALLY obsessed in winning my WW back and did everything wrong.
I feel the hardest aspect to all this is the insecurity or the realisation that there is a better than good chance she is gone and gone for good! How do we react to such realisations? What is seen so often is give up and pursue D too soon, this is NOT DR'ing.
With the time I have had I see slowing down any emotional choices the best option, I have told myself I will not end my family that's for her to do and her alone. Normally the wayward will want to have both their AP/LO and their S so that all their EN's can be met, this gives me the time to work on my future and that of my boys knowing eventually deterioration of their R HAS TO HAPPEN.
If I could say one thing to all BS on here is this - you are the number one challenge to the AP/LO and their R with your S. The longer you remain in the picture the more threatened AP/LO becomes, now with you making yourself so much more a better prospect due to DR'ing and remaining civil without pursuing and believing in time to erode their R your odds of RC'ing the MR goes in your favour.
Forget about your WS and their life you have no control over it just concentrate on you and plan your GAL activities as a goal for 2018. Exercise - mon to fri. Movie night once a week. Out with the boys/girls once a week.
And so on. Make an excel sheet throughout the year, literally put it down on paper this will encourage you carry it out. Eventually it will become second nature and whilst your doing it makes you more attractive to your WS whilst threatening the AP, win-win...
Come on all lets do this and make 2018 the year of the betrayed spouse.
Happy new year.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Winning WW back, do you really want the WW BACK? Aren't you after new R with a reformed or grown up WW? A WW who is a W not a WW?
Why want a WW back?
Gracious I do hope you want something better than a WW.
In my pursuit of standing then I had GAL points for what I did. I didn't save my M or get a new R, and frankly that wasn't healthy anyway. I did save myself.
Without being here then I am sure as a result of being told that i was so terrible and the screaming banshee episodes I no longer felt worthy of living. I wasn't human and without executive functioning. I was a mess and no longer wanted to be. The pain was terrible.
Should I want WH back? Living with a wayward is so destructive to the health of the LBS. And takes so much.
I think what the wayward wants is resources to pursue their selfish life. As long as the LBS acquiesced it's fine. Take away resources or cease to comply and many things can happen, the wayward awakes or they rage, manipulate and get vindictive.
So want a wayward back as they are. Not me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes I want my W back but it's her that needs to do all the work to make that happen, I feel we all know here what needs to happen to prove she is worthy but I'm not focusing on that any more.
My situation is possibly one in which there is very little chance of RC but I continue to stand as it's the right thing to do, I will not let my family down and she will shoulder all the responsibility for that.
I'm posting again now as a change in my outlook as forced me to reexamine how I handle it. I seem to have reached that point where sandi, AS and 25 to say a few told me I needed to get to, will anything change? Possibly not but that no longer concerns me.
I remain positive and confident in standing errelevent of the outcome, as you say "feel sad for the OP, you know what is to come"...
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I can totally understand you want your W back, even after everything she has done because I feel exactly the same.
The reality is that a woman in this situation is a stable as a yo-yo. It goes up and down, back and forth and there is no certainty. All that is certain in her head is that it doesn't work for her now.
The best solution is to detach and hope for the best.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
Honestly Vanilla I feel my W is gone never to come back.
IF we RC then I intend to make sure the R is different having reflected on what went wrong. She can never be the same and why would I want her to be after an A, I see it as MR 2.0.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
