I just read through this thread of your sitch, I know that all the changes in the last month are a lot to handle, but you seem to have your head on straight and are steadily moving forward.
Based on what I read, I definitely think you will be best served in holding off on dating for a bit. There is a lot of your W in your posts, and I suspect you still have a long way to go in being truly detached. I know when I physically separated, I spent 3 or 4 months full of emotion, and if I was to go back through my thread, was probably saying I was detached at the time. Even though you've been nesting, it's different than when you actually have two homes, you start to build a life that the other person isn't involved in, that's when I found my independence starting come in leaps and bounds.
Congratulations on getting to keep the family home, I know there are memories of her that will take a little time to get past, but there are also memories with your kids that are irreplaceable. I think one of the things I miss the most of my past is getting to go into my sons room every morning to wake him up. btw, do you have someplace in the house that you mark the kids heights with the dates? My son liked it (we did it on the doorframe to his closet), especially being able to see the growth spurt that hit around 12.
Also, don't feel like you have to leave the newcomers forum, there is a lot more traffic here, but of course you're welcome to post wherever you feel most comfortable.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Ok, so I may have had a few salient facts mixed up...couldn't find all your early threads, The Great Sandi Experiment and the one preceding that...but you did a good job at DB'ing once she was hinting at separation (and in your further defence, all of ours really, nobody thinks she's reeeallly serious during the first month or two anyway, so the pressure being brought to bear is due to that, i.e. how can it drive her away if she's not really serious...even she isn't sure in the early stages). But when it becomes clear she is serious, then that is when DB'ing becomes important...which is why I'm thinking the fog will clear in your favour. "Fog" is really stubbornness for exes like ours I think, they would rather live with regret than appear to others to have acted in haste (without fully thinking it through), by making a decision to give it another shot for the sake of the family.
And while the cost of health insurance may appear to be a good reason to avoid formal divorce proceedings, you can bet she would figure out a way to get it done (like she has with respect to selling the house, moving out, splitting custody, etc.), IF it was important enough to her. For example, if her new relationship was important enough, and the new dude is getting annoyed and asking why she's not yet divorced, her still being married is standing in the way of a getting re-married...yet she's done nothing about that, but would have you believe she's "happy" (or happier) with the new dude. Don't forget, the biggest threat to his relationship with your ex is you so he wants her divorced. I say until she's re-married, you will never be off her radar...and any new guy, a guy that's NOT the father of her children, has little room for error.
I have taken a different approach as of late, not being nice (not mean, just very dim, very distant), allowing no cake eating, no updates on the kids, and calling her out on her $hit, see what that brings. Probably nothing, but DB'ing hasn't to this point brought good results either, so why not? Can always go back to DB'ing, it's a long, long road and really not over over till someone re-marries or both are completely indifferent to the other (and that can't be the case if there is still anger and emotion emanating from both sides).
Apologies to all readers, I'm the king of run-on sentences.
ME: Good morning. What time will you be bringing the kids over tomorrow? (they're on spring break)
STBXW: No later than 9. But I'm not feeling well and might decide to bring them over tonight instead.
ME: Sorry you're not feeling well. But I have band practice until around 10 tonight.
(pause)
...it was at this point that I started writing another text that would have suggested that my mom could come to my house and watch the kids while I was at band practice so that she could drop them off tonight.
But then I thought, "Why should rearrange my schedule and inconvenience my family because she doesn't feel well?" My mom is coming over tomorrow to help ME with the kids. I'm not going to ask her to come over the night before too.
So I erased that text and just waited. Eventually...
STBXW: Ok, not a problem. I'll bring them tomorrow around 9.
Do you know how much it SUCK$ to not offer to help the person you once pledged to love forever?
UGH!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Do you know how much it SUCK$ to not offer to help the person you once pledged to love forever?
I'm not the best at it, LOL! Almost 4 years divorced and I still help my XW with stuff. I just fixed her washing machine a couple of weeks ago. But I do it because she has health problems (arthritis and complications from breast cancer) and despite everything that transpired I do still care for her. Not in a romantic way anymore, but like I would a family member. But you are doing the right thing considering where you are in your sitch. DB'ing ain't easy!
You are still legally M, right? And you are okay with that for now?
Any ski trips to the poconos?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Yes, no legal actions have been taken other than the financial ones. As far as being ok with it. I'm not really sure, but it isn't a source of hope for me. Above all else it allows my W to continue to receive my health insurance which I'm ok with since she's self-employed.
One of my big moves last week (well "big" for me anyway) was to completely block her on FB. Prior to the block, I had just unfollowed her, but it was easy enough check in on her if I wanted to. I decided on the block after I saw a post from her thanking everyone for the "birthday wishes" but none of the actual birthday posts from friends were visible to me. Conclusion: She's filtering information away from me. It angered me a little, but just further confirmed that I need to spend more time in the "moving forward" mindset.
Ironically, my son and I will be going on our first (and only) ski trip this Friday. I'm excited, they got about 2 feet of snow up there over the past 2 weeks!
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
We were on the same timeline but my w was in a bigger rush to get D. Well, she dropped it. So my only advice to you is to keep living your awesome life without w. You never know what will happen.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
