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Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Gordie] #2771045
12/11/17 09:07 AM
12/11/17 09:07 AM
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CaliGuy Offline
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Gordie

Just catching up a bit and could not agree more with Irish and Job. You know I had a bit where the MLCr was done with OM and we moved back in together. I did not give her time to get over that relationship ... she basically grabbed a vine and as she swung from my tree to his, she eventually swung back to his again ..... during replay that long term relationship is no match for the drug rush feelz they experience in hindsight even if it was not OM she pursued I have little doubt it would have been an OM2. Just to add to what Job and Irish said .. not only do you have to allow her to get OM2 out of the system ... she also has to come to terms with herself and what put her on this path ... this was something I thought mine was working on but the work takes a good deal of effort and commitment and I do not think she could do this while spending energy trying to fix the marriage she tossed so back in the tunnel she went.

I did the pick me dance for about 2 years then as I grew and changed I realized I deserved better. to touch on your statement

Quote:
If you canít decide between me and OM2, then please let me go. Months ago, you asked me to let you go and I did. Now I ask the same of you. Sign the divorce papers and let me go. I deserve to pursue my own happiness just as much as you are and I canít move on/out until we D.

Its words vs actions ... her actions must match the words. For me I basically understood she would never admit she had chosen OM over me ... deep down even in the fog they know they are making a huge mistake but can not help but see where it may lead feeling we will be just where they left us. Her actions told me all I needed to know ... and in my mind till she actually showed me she wanted to roll up the sleeves and work on herself then possibly the marriage I had to make the choice of what I would and would not tolerate. This was when I did a good deal of list writing and boundary work.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: CaliGuy] #2771089
12/11/17 03:08 PM
12/11/17 03:08 PM
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Gordie Offline OP
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Cali,

You are so right and it was confirmed again tonight. I am a safe backup plan for her. It is soul crushing. I am leaving to pickup kid from practice and in drives OM2 into the driveway with stbx in the passenger seat. I have got to find a way out of this mess. I canít do this any more. She is going to try and chat me up and I am going to say. Please do not talk to me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Gordie] #2771095
12/11/17 05:29 PM
12/11/17 05:29 PM
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OwnIt Offline
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Gordie, how long are you going to wait for the agreement? It isn't forthcoming any more than mine is. You obviously have to make the decision, but in view of her behavior and your pain, it seems that it would be best to push hard on the divorce or just go ahead and move out. Either way, this chick is going to get a good message (not that you should want her to come back for that reason).

Remember in my case, my lawyer advises against D period. I get a s$it ton of financial support every month, I don't live with him, he infrequently messes with me, and my children spend virtually no time with him. All of these things would be worse for me in a divorce. Your situation is very different.

Please read my long post this evening on our perception vs. their reality. I think it will be eye-opening for you.

Team Gordie all the way!!!

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: OwnIt] #2771111
12/12/17 12:17 AM
12/12/17 12:17 AM
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roist Offline
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I don't have time to reply Gordie, but you are in good hands and doing very good.

Best wishes.

Use the anger you felt when they appeared in your driveway to move forward on your own. That has to be your focus and aim for now


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: OwnIt] #2771112
12/12/17 12:24 AM
12/12/17 12:24 AM
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Gordie Offline OP
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Own it,

You are right. I asked L about moving out again. He had previously advised against it. This time because itís been 9 months since filing and we are still negotiating, he said I am free to leave.

Okay, ball back in my court. Do I leave ASAP before Christmas, sign something for January, or wait longer until the D is finalized (thought that would have been done by now, but she is dragging it out).

Do I tell her that I am moving out or do I just do it?

Am I making an emotional decision based upon recent events?

Reasons to move ASAP:

Immediate emotional relief
Less stressful Christmas break (canít wait to have my own space)
Let her go/drop the rope
In house separation rarely leads to R

Reasons to wait:

Avoid bad Christmas memories of dad moving out for the kids
Wait for my emotions to calm down
Give her more time and space (in house)
Cake feeding to an extent has been good for my D negotiation

***

On another note, stbx asked me to feed her a huge slice of cake and I declined. She asked me why and I said because you fired me as your H! This got a really awkward look.

And Cali is right, the words need to match the actions. All the ILY and I miss you and maybe we can work this out mean nothing while she is with OM2. I have to stop letting her manipulate me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Gordie] #2771128
12/12/17 02:55 AM
12/12/17 02:55 AM
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Vapo Offline
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Do no move out. Some courts will view it as abandonment. At least get a legal advice before any move is attempted.

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Vapo] #2771131
12/12/17 03:12 AM
12/12/17 03:12 AM
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OwnIt Offline
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A lot of that is urban legend. Courts donít want quarreling spouses, particularly with children, to remain living together and therefore do not financially punish people for doing so. It may indicate that she is the one who should remain in the house long-term, but Gordie has said many times he does not want the house. Gordie indicates above that his lawyer blesses him leaving. He will still be entitled to his equity position, whatever that is.

You may want to consider an ultimatum here since you are willing to carry it through. Such as, sign the docs by Friday or I move forward with the divorce/move-out ASAP, whatever.

Iíd weigh your mental health and the older kidsí awareness of what is going on vs how much worse you think it will get as the holidays near. At the end of the day, the kids neednít one sane, well-functioning parent.

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Gordie] #2771142
12/12/17 04:17 AM
12/12/17 04:17 AM
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My 2 cents - and considering the exchange rate posted this morning - might not be worth much.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
Do I tell her that I am moving out or do I just do it?
No advance notice to her - That's just a recipe to up the drama.

Originally Posted By: Gordie
Am I making an emotional decision based upon recent events?
The decision was made some time ago - it's now just a question of timing.

Now with that all said - the actual physical logistics of moving are a challenge that you might not be able to achieve between now and the New Year. You seem like a capable, planning type of guy but do you actually have all of the pieces in place to make this happen in a short period of time? I suspect that the answer is no.

Even though you don't specifically fall into that category, I would suggest you read up on some of the resources available to people in abusive relationships that advise them on how to plan and execute a move on the quiet. A key thing is making sure you have copies of all important documents in a secure location. Important heirlooms need to be protected. You'll need a crew of guys and trucks that can make things happen quickly without a fuss. You'll want to be sure to catalogue each and every item you take and any of the valuable ones you leave behind.

An important question I was thinking on earlier for you and it relates to the timing. What about the kids? In a typical move of this sort, the leaving spouse takes the kids with them.

To quote a line from one of my most favourite movies - Amazing Grace starring Ioan Gruffudd - "You've got work to do".


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: AndrewP] #2771144
12/12/17 04:36 AM
12/12/17 04:36 AM
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Gordie, my sitch was way different. The night my ex dropped the bomb out of the blue, he was prepared to leave for his sister's house that night and leave me home, in shock with a 6 month old baby. Instead, I did what any grown 27 year old would do and called her daddy:) He came from NY to pick me us up and I lived there for 2 months until I could get myself straight. I never had an in-house separation, and for those who survive it, I commend you greatly. I moved back in the house, and he moved out and I asked him to watch our daughter in our home instead of carting her everywhere. I worked nightshift, so I would come home between shifts on a Saturday and just sleep before going back to work, and he didn't even want to do that.

Anyways, I understand you needing to get out. I am glad your lawyer said you could move out. I want you to take a breath and realize that you do indeed have a way out. You are not trapped in this situation. Whether you do it before or after the holidays, you are getting out!!!! Work out the logistic and see when is best for you and the kids. You'll need time to find a place and move and the such, but do the happy dance, because IT WILL HAPPEN. Sometimes just knowing we are getting out keeps the fuel in our tank.

Re: Gordie #14: the end of my M to MLC W, I think [Re: Ginger1] #2771150
12/12/17 05:47 AM
12/12/17 05:47 AM
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Gordie
You can get through this. Regardless of what way you decide to play it. Remember that. If ye need to share the house a little longer. You can do it. It isn'teasy but you have grown and are capable of much more than you think, even though you likely don't feel that way.

I agree with vapo and others . I would advise you not to move out and definitely not to pre discuss it with W.

If you feel that you really cannot do this any longer (again I counter that you could..) and you want to push things forward, I would tell W she has to find alternative accommodation until your agreement is signed. Heck you could just kick her out after coming home with OM. This is probably contrary to DB so maybe wait for your coach. But this approach makes everything that bit realer for her and not in a way she would like.

. Two things. Firstly you did not bring about this situation.ye would not be in this situation now if W hadn't gone down the mlc om route nor if she had signed months ago when she asked for a D. The timing isn't on you.

Secondly I can understand you not wishing to upset Christmas for the family. Maybe W is counting on that!! You know best for your children.Protect them, but be sureyour decision is about that. Sometimes we can think we do something for the kids sake but deeper reasons are really the root. Maybe a strong stance to W now, could cause a less than ideal Christmas this year, but that could be what is required to be reconciled for next year and after....

Ultimately I know you can hold it together and get through this. Four Christmases ago I realised my W and M were in crisis. I was convinced it was about to end. The next one I got through it for the kids. Last year too I decided they would have at least this one last Christmas as a family.NNow I am heading into my fourth!! Not to get sidetracked but I an just saying we have no idea how long this situation will last nor do we know how much we are capable of withstanding. More than we initially imagined though.

Best wishes.


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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