FastCars, it sounds like you're doing well. It's nice that your family can do those activities together on Christmas weekend even though there's still the tension with your wife. Did you talk to her yet? Did you say what you planned to say above? I can see the reasons why she's been staying but that's so unfair to you to be strung along. I hope you'll find a way to either accept things as they are or end it if your wife can't put in equal effort. For your daughter's sake it'd be wonderful if you and your wife can find a way to make it work. I really hope the holiday week softens everyone's hearts.
NicoleR, thanks for the encouragement. I am in a good place most of the time. I am waiting until after Christmas to have any talk with the W. And I know for a fact the holiday will not soften her heart. It doesn't work that way.
I'm with you on this too FastCars, the holiday season definitely doesn't soften their hearts...my 25 wedding Anniversary was on the 23rd and there was a hardening of my H heart if anything.
My H doesn't do emotion...the more I show, the more he crawls into his shell.
Have a happy Christmas.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Had a nice Christmas overall. Early in the morning (5am?) I heard my W enter the MBR but then leave. Just before 9am we were all in the living room and exchanged gifts. A nice morning. I did learn from D11 that my W had gone into her bed and woke her up. It seems my W was cold in the guest room (has no heat) and was looking for a bed to go into, but I was taking up the entire bed so she went into my youngest's bed.
For Christmas we had 11 guests come. We sat outside drinking wine and eating appetizers and then had a nice dinner.
A few observations of my W and our relationship.
My W had planned that all of us would go to one of her friend's house only 5 minutes away for dessert. My W's motivation was twofold, she is trying to develop a friendship and also I believe the OM that she had a one-sided EA would be there. When she first told me of this plan two days ago, I had told her I didn't want to be rushed to make another place for dessert. I realized there was some passive-aggressiveness on my part, so on Christmas I told my W that I didn't really want to go to the other place for dessert, and if any of our guests wanted to stay here then I would stay with them and not go. When I told my W she was at the sink with her back to me, and I could see she made a contemptuous face. Anyway, the plans never came to fruition and I'm not sure why, but we stayed at my house for the entire evening.
I have been detaching and following Sandi's rules for a month now. In the beginning after BD, my W was extremely friendly, touched me, kissed me goodbye, hello, etc. I interpret this as my W feeling guilty for the BD and trying to lessen the blow. As time has gone on, all of these behaviors have ceased. In my case, detaching and following Sandi's rules has probably also demonstrated to my W that she would be OK without me.
Frankly, I think my MR is over and my W is not going to miraculously wake up and want to do anything to build a good MR. I think my W is happy not being in a R with a man, and having many friends with which her needs are met. My W was asking a neighbor and real estate agent about a guest cottage in our backyard. I am mind-reading, but I guess she has this idea of one of us living in the guest house so as to not disrupt our children's lives.
I am on vacation this week with the kids, my W has work.
The day after Christmas, I took my three girls to the bank and opened accounts for them. I've stepped up contributions to their college funds because I figure this way I know they get the funds, whereas in the future who knows? While at the bank my W texted me:
W: "are you doing anything with the girls tonight?" Me: "no" W: "OK. I'll take them to the movies"
Normally on a Tuesday my W would not skip crossfit. What she was doing was taking two other girls the same age as my two oldest (16 and 14). These two other girls are the nieces of the guy she had (still has) an EA on. I feel my W will do anything to try to maintain some connection to this person.
On Wednesday I went to a friend's house with my youngest D because he was showing me how to brew beer. Many of my friends are actually couple's friends of both me and my W. The entire family was invited, and my W showed up after work with my two other daughters. I had a good afternoon brewing beer and then eating dinner with our friends.
When my W showed up she didn't even say hi to me, instead went outside with the other W to watch sunset.
My W and I don't really engage in conversation with each other. We talk to the group. My W related a letter she received from one of her patient's asking her out to lunch. She said how her boss told her about not dating patients. My W was like, this guy is 69 years old, what does he think? I joked that she was the perfect age for him based on the metric of "half your age plus 7" being the perfect age for a guy. She corrected me that she is actually too old then. She also mentioned she is trying to get botox even though its not related to her specialty because she wants to save money. She said her boss took her to a mirror and said, "look, no wrinkles". I think my W likes getting these comments, and the truth is she has no wrinkles.
I was telling my friend about my sister and some new developments with her. None of this was known to my W since I've stopped confiding in her. When we got home about 8:30pm, my W saw some Christmas cards from my family on the kitchen table. She started to remark about my nieces and nephews, I acknowledge but walked away to the bathroom. Then later she remarked about a check from my parents. Again, I didn't continue the conversation. Frankly, I don't want to share details of my life with her at this point.
A lot of your post is really relatable. We still meet at parties, and I just don't engage in conversation with her. And I just don't feel like chatting with her about the details of my life, either.
For me, that's a big step towards disengagement. Hopefully, it is for you, too.
Keep it up.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, thanks for reading my post. I reviewed yours and agree a lot of similarity, especially with length of MR and kids ages.
My W wants to keep me as a friend. Last night my kids had already eaten and it was just me and my W at dinner. She kept trying to engage me in light conversation, but I wasn't feeling it and didn't keep up my side of the conversation. She also wanted to talk about how my nieces and nephews have grown (pictures sent in Christmas card). Again, I didn't want to talk to her about my family.
Yeah, I have the same interactions with my W. Something I struggle with, though, is creating positive interactions, vs disengaging. So many of our interactions were negative before the DB that I guess I think if the interactions are positive and pleasant, she won't be adverse to interacting more, spending more time with me, etc., and we can rebuild a relationship that way. I tried to do a lot of that before. It didn't really get me anywhere, and I'm finding as time goes on, I'm not making much effort to engage her when the opportunity presents itself, like at the Christmas Eve party, or like you, over dinner.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Last night we were watching TV alone and I told my W I wanted to speak to her. I said, "I don't know what you think about our current situation, but I don't want to live as roommates. The choice is yours, but we can either be a married couple or separated. If you want to be married, I want you to tell me what that means to you. I think we almost have to start over. You don't have to tell me know, I'm in no rush ..."
She told me she was telling me now that she didn't want to be married. Interestingly she never uses the word divorce.
I told her "it is sad" and she agreed and said it is "extremely sad" . I then told her I was disappointed in her. I got up and left, and she asked why I was disappointed and I just said because.
I went to the MBR and then into the hot tub. She went to the bathroom and then to the couch.
I was and still am surprising calm and non-emotional about this.
My W was up early and came into the MBR to change her clothes and use the bathroom. Her coming into the MBR every morning and night is awkward and bothers me. So when I woke up I moved all her stuff to the guest room. She was out buying pastries for breakfast. When she got home, she wasn't happy about me moving her stuff. The guest room doesn't have as much space for all her clothes.
She asked to talk to me after breakfast. She told me again that I'm not the enemy and that she was unhappy about me moving her stuff. She said now we have to tell the children. I told her that I don't agree we have to tell the children yet because it is too early. We'll be living together for at least several months. She said the kids have not noticed that she is not sleeping in the MBR. Now they will. I said we only have to tell the kids that Mommy and Daddy are not getting alone right now, and Mommy wants to sleep outside in the guest room. My W essentially wants to tell the kids we're getting divorced. I told her I would think about it. I didn't agree we had to tell the kids now.
Then she try to propose to me a living arrangement.
W: The best thing for our kids is if nothing in their lives change, they sleep in the same bed, go to school, etc. Me: I agree W: ... not sure exactly what she said, but beating around the bush instead of just telling me .. Me: W, just tell me directly what you want instead of me having to read your mind W: We can keep living together in the same house. Me: You mean, we are divorced but continue living together in the same house? W: Yes, it can be done. Me: No. W: Well then things won't stay the same for the kids. Me: No, they won't W: Again telling me I'm not the enemy and she doesn't hate me. Me: I know you don't hate me, I understand
I think walk away to end the conversation and she follows.
W: So what do you want to do? It seems you have a plan. Me: No, I don't have a plan. I'm not going to do anything.
I know I'm not validating her, in fact whenever she wants to discuss feelings I cut her off. I am also not trying to be mean, although I acknowledge moving her stuff out is mean too.
Any advice on telling the kids at this point? In our state a divorce takes 6 months once the first petition is filed.
