My W and I have been together for over 25 years and M for 20. Last Fall a close family member was diagnosed with a terminal disease (and has since passed away). She was obviously distraught and had a hard time coping. Over the months following the diagnosis, her behavior changed from a strong Christ follower and all around loving, caring woman to a bitter, angry woman with a YOLO attitude. Her faith in God seems almost non-existent now. She began to push her parents away late last year and and seems to have no empathy most people, aside from her new friends. In early '17, she began having what seemed to be an EA with a man we both recently met, something that I had never even considered to be a possibility. After about a month, I found signs of an EA and confronted her. She denied and said they were just good friends. She was angry that she had finally found a friend that "gets" her and now she would have to end it. We agreed that she did not have to stop being friends, just no alone time and no emotional talk. This was a mistake. She slowed her texting with him but continued to have a friendship that seemed extreme to me, though she made me feel like a conservative freak for not wanting her to have an opposite sex friend. Fast forward to almost a month ago, she dropped the ILYBINILWYA bomb. I know it has to be the EA (or even a PA now?) that brought her to this point. We had been in couples counseling for about a month at this point and she is still going, but I think she is just going through the motions. I have gone dark and am working hard to stay strong. It's difficult because I tend to have NGS. I started by trying to reason her back and show her unconditional love. She's having none of it and is politely cold to me, and has been for months. We still share the MBR but if I get solid proof that the EA or even a PA are active, I will be moving her stuff out of our room and letting her do the explaining to our kids.
Ironically, I always thought she was a stronger Christian than me and this ordeal has brought me so much closer to God. So if there is a silver lining in all of this, my faith is stronger than ever. I've talked to my pastor and have been in IC for over 7 months. It has helped me beat the depression that marked the beginning of this trial for me. I've been feeling very good about myself for over a month now and I'm actually in the best shape of my life, thanks to rigorous exercise and a change in diet. I feel like I will be able to get through this regardless of what happens but she is the love of my life and even with the way she is treating me, I don't even want to think about us not coming to reconciliation.
We're early (W) and mid (me) 40s and have 4 kids. I feel like she broke after the news about our family member and is in the midst of the MLC fog. I'm hopeful that she will find her way out before she does something that she will regret for the rest of her life. We've had very minor ups and down throughout our marriage. Most of it stemmed from prioritizing our kids' activities and the business of running a family about the cultivation of our marriage. We were guilty of allowing our marriage to become dull and we did not do a good job of talking about our feelings with each other. I had job stress at the same time as the terminal diagnosis and was probably emotionally distant at a time when she really needed me. I was so concerned about being able to provide for my family that I forgot that God ALWAYS provide. We should have been focusing on each other in our times of need but we turned it inward and pushed the emotions down and tried to put up a strong front. Another big mistake in hindsight. I am definitely a stander though. I'll do anything to save this marriage. It means everything to me. I'm living every day hour by hour at this point. Not sure what else to do?
Vereo
Me: Mid 40s; W : Early 40s M: 21y T: 28y W's MLC began mid 2016 EA started early 2017 ILYBINILWYA BD 11/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your sitch sounds eerily similar to mine in a lot of ways. I am still flailing around a bit myself and don't always feel like I have a lot to offer, yet, but I am trying to pipe up now and again when I think I see an opening.
For now, as a man of faith myself (and one who also had his faith fortuitously strengthened in the early days of his own crisis) I would just encourage you to cling on tight to that... even when things get rough (which they will, sometimes just when you think they are getting better). It sounds like you already have a pretty good handle on your faith, so just always keep in mind that it can see you through. Pray often, and be always on the lookout for signs "from above"... they do happen if you keep an open mind and heart.
Also, it sounds as if (assuming there is an affair involved) that your wife may be Wayward Wife, or "WW". If so, Sandi2's threads are an excellent resource. (And if you haven't been lurking and are new to these boards, the abbreviations like "WW" can be confusing at first-- there's a sticky thread to help with that.)
Good luck, and I'll keep you in my prayers!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Thanks HoosJim. I appreciate your response and your prayers. Believe me, I've seen God working in my life more than ever lately. I just hope He's not preparing me for my new life without her! Going dark is hard for me but I'm sticking to it. I think I may need to dial it back a bit? This morning she called it passive aggressive BS and left the house to go to work in a huff.
I've read a ton of Sandi's threads and advice. She's sorta my hero already. :-)
Me: Mid 40s; W : Early 40s M: 21y T: 28y W's MLC began mid 2016 EA started early 2017 ILYBINILWYA BD 11/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry to hear your story. It could have been my first post and I am now 15 months past BD. Yes, I too always thought my w’s faith was the stronger but you never know. Read SBJ’s thread too. Keep doing what you are doing. Read the book. Get coaching. Post often to vent and get advice. Expect snide remarks like she gave you or temper tantrums if you don’t go along with her program. Some of us here learned the hard way our w’s felt it wasn’t adultery after BD because they told us. Sorry to be a downer, but it does sound like a full on EA/PA. Peace be with you in these hard times.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
MLC changes (some or all in different orders for different people): beliefs, appearance, friends, job and marital status (and some abandon children too).
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I'm so sorry for you as well. It's mind blowing how many times I've read my own story on here from another person's keyboard. All I get are cool to cold words from her so I'm getting used to it. We just had a conversation about an issue with one of the kids and I'm the one at fault in her eyes. Where do they get these negative lenses that all MLC's seem to have? Anyway, I'm going to try to get proof of the EA/PA and move her out of the MBR. Not sure if I should talk to the OM's W or not, if I do get the proof. Open to suggestions there. Thanks again for your post.
Me: Mid 40s; W : Early 40s M: 21y T: 28y W's MLC began mid 2016 EA started early 2017 ILYBINILWYA BD 11/17
Vereo, You sound like a very good and noble man. I'll try to write more later. There are so many Christian marriage resources as I'm sure you know so DB is probably one of several resources that would be helpful to you.
