So another day. H is not at work today. I left work yesterday and wished him a happy weekend and tossed over my shoulder cheerily, see you Monday. I came to work all happy. Then he decides to start me sending me texts about something that happened three years ago. I validated and did not engage. I am satisfied that i didn't lose my temper. I did tell him insulting me was not helping anything. And that i wouldn't stand to be insulted. The more I pull away the more he tries to pick a fight with me. To remind himself that he has reason to destroy our family. So I just emailed my best friend and said everything to her what I wanted to really say to him. And didn't say any of it to him. That seemed to get him angrier that I wasn't playing his game. But I felt way better about myself and I am much calmer. But boy does he have anger issues. He just bottles all that resentment up and then blasts me. Makes me glad right now he's not in my personal life
I had a great weekend. Every time I gotnsad thinking about my H I just concentrated on the things I get to do now that he's not here. Like not being accountable to anyone but myself. I can sleep in if I want too. I binge watched part of a tv series this weekend. Stuff he would never go for. I didn't make contact with him all weekend unless he text to ask a question. Today he texts me that I am hiding money because I haven't come to him with a separation agreement or budget. I just told him I was insulted he insinuated that. He is in full blown paranoia at the moment. He thinks I am planning a massive take over since I haven't come to him with any sort of agreement. And I've dropped all contact with him. I am cheery when I am around him because I truly feel cheery right now. So I'm not sure if the paranoia is due to my 180s or if it's a coincidence. I went to switch my company phone to my personal plan and he got angry at me. It's like one hand he's pushing me away and wants this divorce. The other hand is not wanting to let go. So I just continue on with no contact and 180s. It might be too late for me. And I got thinking over the weekend. I should not have constantly been at him. But you know what. Not once has he changed any of his actions. He still has his anger issue and blames everyone else for his lot in life and has offered no remorse in our past relationship. So matter what inthe end it wouldn't have worked out anyways. The behaviours would have been the same had he come back. So that has helped me detach. Everytime I wonder what he is up to in his spare time I just think over and over again. Not my concern. It is none of my business. It's a hard pill to swallow. But I want a partner not a combatant for the rest of my life. Or someone who has seen no wrongdoing in his actions. I will continue to DB and work towards our marriage. And hope that he comes around eventually.
I had a great weekend. Every time I gotnsad thinking about my H I just concentrated on the things I get to do now that he's not here. Like not being accountable to anyone but myself. I can sleep in if I want too. I binge watched part of a tv series this weekend. Stuff he would never go for. I didn't make contact with him all weekend unless he text to ask a question. Today he texts me that I am hiding money because I haven't come to him with a separation agreement or budget. I just told him I was insulted he insinuated that. Hen, come on.
This^^ is an argument. No need.
If he's in such a hurry to get an agreement, let HIM present you/your lawyer with one. Stop discussing all this
I'll share one anecdote. I had a particular job years ago, and of the years I was there, only one year allowed me to put money into a retirement account. Which I did. Proportionally it grew well, but it was a small amount to begin with.
h is CONVINCED it has literally 10 times more in it, than it does. AND that I'm hiding it. This is in a government monitored account - so it'd be hard as heck for me to hide it. And illegal, btw. Come to think of it, I'd have to have forged his signature...and never mind.
More weird is that h was so sure it was a lot higher. Why? Who knows? and As for an agreement your h presents, don't agree or sign AND don't even let him know you read it. Say you gave it to your L for them to review.
why?
Because then there's nothing for you to discuss as you are "waiting for the L to review it get back to" you. Nothing to argue about.
You "don't know any specifics, obviously." And of course, when there is a document, you know to hire the lawyer for real.
Henwen, in negotiations it's better to let the other side come up with the first number.
his will be much lower than you think is fair, so be ready for that. This IS a negotiation and your h knows not to offer what his real number would be.
Hang in there and again, this is the most important financial decision of your life.
Can't hide from this. On the other side of this, you'll find peace. I promise.
and btw, the DB books will help you in ALL relationships, not just your m.
The books & effort at change are not too late. I've got 2 family members who divorced - the whole deal - papers signed and all.
5 years later they remarried. It happens.
hang in there
He is in full blown paranoia at the moment. He thinks I am planning a massive take over since I haven't come to him with any sort of agreement. And I've dropped all contact with him. I am cheery when I am around him because I truly feel cheery right now. So I'm not sure if the paranoia is due to my 180s or if it's a coincidence.
I went to switch my company phone to my personal plan and he got angry at me. It's like one hand he's pushing me away and wants this divorce. The other hand is not wanting to let go. So I just continue on with no contact and 180s. try not to read into this^^. It is very Hard to know and mind read and it is pointlessly wasting our energy. I don't see anything to it, btw.
But No Contact is by far, best for you. Less chance of fighting. More peace for you.
You are spinning a bit here^^.
It might be too late for me. And I got thinking over the weekend. I should not have constantly been at him. But you know what. Not once has he changed any of his actions. He still has his anger issue and blames everyone else for his lot in life and has offered no remorse in our past relationship. So matter what inthe end it wouldn't have worked out anyways. hen, don't talk yourself into Not making the changes you want to make. You can't stare at his sandbox, and the work you don't think he's doing,
and avoid your own sandbox & work. Do you get that? The behaviours would have been the same had he come back. So that has helped me detach. ?? why does it help you detach? I don't get this^^ remark.
Everytime I wonder what he is up to in his spare time I just think over and over again. Not my concern. It is none of my business. It's a hard pill to swallow. But I want a partner not a combatant for the rest of my life. makes sense & yes its a damn bitter pill to swallow. I swear it gets easier
Or someone who has seen no wrongdoing in his actions. I will continue to DB and work towards our marriage. And hope that he comes around eventually.
Only time will reveal things we need to work on, (including your h)
and only time and space will allow the good memories to resurface, unless they are blocked by anger or resentment.
So Maybe do the DB work for yourself and any future r's, and the r's in your life. Not merely as tactics to get him back. Don't talk yourself out of making the DB effort; there is a huge payoff that has nothing to do with him.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I didn't even see this post until now. Thank you for asking. I went and a saw a lawyer. And ever since H has been crazy. He keeps assuming I am taking him for everything. He accuses me of this and is just completely unreasonable. Ever since I told him I was over us he has been acting out. He is starting arguments and blaming me. He is calling me names. He told me he is taking me to court over my requests in my separation settlement. He didn't think that he should pay wage percentage wise on our kids extra curricular activities. Because that means he will have to pay everything if I lose my job. He is accusing me of having a bf. I just can't deal with it anymore. His anxiety is thru the roof. He keeps getting nose bleeds and blaming me for agitating him. At this time I am so happy he is not in my life personally at the moment. I don't even know what to think about about any of this. Lol. I finally go and see a lawyer at his request to get things settled and then he goes looney. Although I did have to call him over last night because I found a tick on the dog and didn't know how to deal with it.
So go now in my R I am happy that he is no longer in my life personally. I don't want him back at this point and am moving forward with legal separation.
Yeah he's disintegrating. Honestly if he's acting so much it's indicative that he realizes you're in control again. The more certain and stable you become the more he will try to provoke you. But you are cool like a cucumber, nuthin' gonna heat you up.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
[quote=Henwen]I didn't even see this post until now. Thank you for asking. I went and a saw a lawyer. And ever since H has been crazy. He keeps assuming I am taking him for everything. CLASSIC!!!! Not sure if that helps you much now, but it's SO common it's just not original enough to give credence to. And btw, courts have seen it. EYE ROLL. You dared to quietly assert a right and THUS :"you want it all!" No middle ground, only lunacy - from him.
I recall so many (oh so many) times in my m, including good times) in which I simply requested more "family time/date nights" b/c I "hardly see you anymore. You work so much and don't need to take EXTRA call" - this was ME wanting time with my h. Not angry, just a need of mine - in my 20's and 30's, for intimacy and connection.
h's response was nearly always the same. "You just want me to quit being a doctor."
WTF?
Now that I look back on those^^ replies, I get mad at myself for not calling him on the disordered thoughts that his replies reflected.
Good grief
He accuses me of this and is just completely unreasonable. Ever since I told him I was over us he has been acting out. He is starting arguments and blaming me. DO NOT - DO NOT - DO NOT GET SUCKED IN! it only fuels his rage.
Instead, may I suggest the stink bug response?
When he says something really over the top mean, grossly exaggerated or out of line with any logic,
you 1) LOOK at him & calmly say "i'm not making NEW Hen law"
2) you stare at him like he's a bug or specimen from another planet. You don't know this specimen, it's repulsive but fascinating. It must be a bug from another planet.
Unfortunately you suspect it's a stinkbug which spreads a foul odor around those surrounding them. So you have to leave the stinkbug area.
(Buh bye, stink bug. Talk to me when you sound human)
3) what you actually say is "obviously this is not productive. I can't be spoken to like this anymore. Guess we need lawyers to sort it out."
AND YOU LEAVE
He is calling me names. He told me he is taking me to court over my requests in my separation settlement. He didn't think that he should pay wage percentage wise on our kids extra curricular activities. Because that means he will have to pay everything if I lose my job. He is accusing me of having a bf. I just can't deal with it anymore. His anxiety is thru the roof. He keeps getting nose bleeds and blaming me for agitating him.
THIS is ^^^^more irrational stink bugging. Only[u] UNhealthy people engage or remain in the area thinking they can out stink the stinkbug. Do you want to stink too?
Hen he is PROJECTING, and you don't need that. LEAVE THE AREA. Look, I KNOW it's not easy. But it's also not complicated. It's hard, but it is simple.
"H, you're projecting your problems onto me, again. Gotta go."
NO snappy retorts, no "zingers," no "truth darts".
Just a dignified EXIT - that's your job.
At this time I am so happy he is not in my life personally at the moment. I don't even know what to think about about any of this. Lol. I finally go and see a lawyer at his request to get things settled and then he goes looney. Although I did have to call him over last night because I found a tick on the dog and didn't know how to deal with it. [color:#3333FF] Did you use vaseline? Maybe next time google it, or spend the money (once) to call the vet tech- it is cheaper. But No more h for the dog. No more h for anything you can do or learn to do on your own.
Hey, my h is a former veterinarian AND then became an MD anesthesiologist, (he's truly a wealth of medical information, trust me).
My closest brother was just diagnosed with kidney cancer. Believe me, I was so sorely tempted to call h.
But I did not. I WANTED TO, to get info and yes, frankly, some comfort and reassurance.
But he's with OW! And HER kids...Not so comforting... I'm not doing to a dry well for a drink when I'm thirsty, anymore. Your h is a long term dry well, even if there are some drops in the bucket for you now and then.
legal separation helps you?
Or is that bc you guys were not legally married?? I"m just asking. Protect yourself Hen. Most important financial transaction of your life
you cannot talk your h into behaving better. Let me repeat that for emphasis
you cannot talk your h into changing or loving or caring or being fair.
Stop wasting your breath and truly, truly, making it worse
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Legal separation because we are not legally married. I try to have as little contact with him as possible. The dog thing freaked me out and I was alone. I realized I need to broaden my friend circle so I have people to call in the middle of the night for things like this. And yes it is hard to not engage with him he can be such an a$$ at times. But I love the stink bug analogy hahahaha. It's going to be hard not to laugh now every time he speaks.
So Not too much happening on my front. I am getting ready for the holidays with the kids. I'm becoming content. Scary I know. I find myself more happy on most then not. I no longer come up with reasons to contact H. I never reach out to him on weekends. And guess what. Now he does. Sure enough Sunday comes along and he finds a reason to text me. I keep it short and to the point. I no longer argue. Nothing. He hasn't come into the house since he left uninvited. The other day he came in to hand our son his headphones. Which is weird because I was right at the door. It was abnormal behaviour for him. He is also checking out every picture I post on FB. I know this because he gets notifications for FB thru his email and he clicks on every single one of them now. Yes I still can get into his email. Right now I check it occasionally for financial reasons. Not because I'm interested in his personal life. Lol. Figures. Textbook. I finally begin to move forward and now he is texting me and checking on me. Do I have my hopes up for reconcile? Nope. Because he would have to do drastic changes to enter my peaceful world right now.
