Husband gone for second time - new here

[NicoleR]

Jim, thanks for your input. My hopes are not up because my husband already left once and didn't express interest in fixing the marriage when he returned. There's not much more I can do to make someone want to be a husband or father if they have no interest, or if it's just a burden holding them back from everything they want to do. On the other hand, I want to be sure I did everything possible on my end to save the marriage since the best possible outcome would be to reconcile and give our daughter a family with a mom and dad. If there's any chance he might want that, I'll try to give him another few weeks or months to come back.

KML, I tried a limited of what you suggested last week. I wore something nice than usual and some makeup and acted happy when I left the house. Even though I only went grocery shopping I tried to present a slightly different image. Now I'm double sick with what I already had and a bad cold so it might take a few days to try again, but I will. I've also made plans almost every day with my daughter and when my husband does call or text about something he's seen that we're out, busy, and enjoying our time. I don't think he cares or notices so this will probably only benefit my daughter and I.

PsySara, I ended up not suggesting counseling as you said. It is working out better having my husband come here, so we'll keep doing that for now. I'm trying to do the same as you - not show any sign of an agenda. I'll do this for a few weeks, maybe another two months, but I can't wait much longer than that. This has been going on for years and I need to start working again and trying to rebuild my life. I never imagined I'd stop working for even one year. There's the consulting business I started but I haven't been able to grow it here in this city and no longer see a future in this city. My situation may be different than yours because my husband immigrated here and I supported him for many years. Now that he's the supporter maybe this is his real self, it's hard to say. Maybe he just used me and now my daughter and I are just an annoyance that he's trying to get rid of.

All, I really wish there was more data on the long-term outcome of marriages fixed by DB methods. Yes, many of us do save our marriages in the short-term, but how many of us stay together until the end of our lives? Yes, it depends on many factors, but some people have major character flaws like cheating, addiction, etc.. or shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Some of the spouses here have done really bad things. I'm among those who still wish to reconcile, even after those bad things, but my husband already left once, came back after I did a good job of practicing DB techniques like the 180, but now he's gone again.

The counselors and psychologist I've been seeing, and some of my friends, think it may be years before my husband decides what he wants in life. For now he's too preoccupied with his own interests to care about anyone else.

I'd be happy if he wakes up sometime in the next few months and wants to fix everything, but realistically I doubt it will happen. I guess we're one example of an initial DB success story but either I'm to blame for my husband not wanting to stay or he never wanted to re-commit and was just using the convenience of the marriage until he had a better option.

I don't know....I will keep trying a bit longer but feel really sad that it may still not be enough.

[PsySara]

Nicole,
It ain't over until you say so. If the marathon causes more pain than gain then even MWD says to walk away. (I watched the LRT about 6 times) If you plan to move to another city to get your financial stability under you then do it as soon as possible. DBing isn't about waiting in the wings, it's about moving forward and if the WAW decides to rejoin you then YOU decide if you'll let them back in that lane.

Nothing bad can come from him building a bond with his daughter. Even if he stays away and becomes a permanent walk-away then you can look your daughter in the eye and promise you tried every.single.thing.

IF you move on and your H feels the absence he may finally come to the realization that his troubles and unhappiness are of his own making.

[NicoleR]

PsySara,

Thanks for your feedback. It captures the situation well. That's what I understood - that DB'ing isn't about waiting or staying in a holding pattern even if you try to stay busy.

I've tried to do what I can considering the circumstances here where we are now, but no matter what I do in this city I won't be moving forward until I move to a city where I can work in my field of expertise. It's hard to explain what it's like to not be working. I agreed to reduce my work to care for my daughter because I was having trouble finding a good nanny, and then stopped it all together recently to start a business thinking I would start over here. Then I took my daughter overseas during her summer break and then this happened with my husband, we moved, we got hit by one of the hurricanes, and I got sick.

After all that I don't see the business I started as a good investment and just want to get back to a 'real' job until it makes more sense to be self-employed someday.

It's been so hard being sick. I don't even know if I'll ever be fully healthy again, but I can't sit here and do nothing based on that fact. My husband proved that he wasn't there for me when I needed him, nor for our daughter, so being alone somewhere else is about the same as being near him here.

I plan to move on, literally, to another city, within the coming months. I question how I'll handle it with a new employer, alone with a toddler, if she gets sick and I need to take time off or if my health gets worse and I can't work normally. There are major risks. But being here trying to 'GAL' isn't working for me because I can go to church and plan play dates every day of the week for my daughter but without working and being financially independent I don't feel empowered.

My main hesitation is that my daughter will be the biggest loser if I can't find a flexible job, which I'll try to do, because she'll be stuck at a school or daycare whereas now she's in school in the morning and with me the rest of the day.

Sorry that's a long post but it's so difficult trying to conclude that someone who walked away isn't worth waiting for. It's so hard to visualize a new life where so much could go wrong, and I'm already in a fragile state, but what choice do I have after years of being pushed aside by a husband who's busy cheating and blowing money on himself and his hobbies?

Tonight it got worse because my husband didn't come for his normal two hours yesterday because I had family in town. He said he'd come tonight. Tonight we didn't hear from him at all. Several hours after he was supposed to come I texted him and he said he's tired and he'll come tomorrow at the normal time.

This to me is unacceptable. He couldn't have sent a four word text to say "I'm not coming today?" I told our daughter he'd be coming and we waited and he didn't show up. This has happened multiple times so she never knows if he's coming or not.

To make matters worse, my husband announced he'll be taking off work this coming weekend to visit his family up North. That's great for him, but I wonder in my mind how he can't spend two hours with his child but he can easily take a weekend off to visit his family? And of course that means he won't be taking our daughter this weekend.

This informal separation isn't working so I'll consult with multiple lawyers in the coming week and try to see how the child care issues can be handled from a legal standpoint and how divorce should be handled from two different states (where we are now and where we plan to move).

I still don't wish to divorce, but I also know that the LRT means we're near the end of this process and it will take several months of planning to make everything happen just to move and then it could take months after that to find a job and get my daughter into a new school.

I can't find the DB book so I ordered another one and it's not here yet, but I recall it saying that with the LRT you have to be ready to divorce and follow-through with it, otherwise you lose your credibility. So I'll plan for it and if there's a total miracle and my husband suddenly wants to work things out then great, I'd be the happiest person in the world just to have that final chance even though it still may not work.

The saddest thing for me is that I'm a practical person and I'd even be happy to make an arrangement with my husband where he has freedom in exchange for some semblance of a normal family life for our daughter, but even that he doesn't want. I guess there's always a chance our move will shock him into realizing what he's doing and re-thinking his decisions, but I'm losing hope for that too.




Hi Everyone,

I don't mean to keep rattling off long messages but I'm really struggling. Last night I stayed up late to check apartment prices, preschool tuition, out-of-pocket health insurance, job prospects, etc.. in the city where I want to move. It's where I previously lived for a long time and have a big network but unfortunately it's one of the most expensive places in the country.

Unfortunately, when adding everything up, along with breaking the lease I have here and moving costs, along with factoring in how the transition will affect my daughter (we've moved six times in the three years), it doesn't seem like picking up and moving in two or three months is realistic.

I'm unemployed and drained of cash so all of the above would need to be paid for by my husband. Preferably we'd divorce first but that's another big chunk of cash. My husband is making good money but he's spending way more than he makes, somewhat wrecklessly, so I don't believe he can or will come up with the cash needed for us to move quickly.

I don't want to line up a job first because usually employers want someone to start within a few weeks. We'd have to move immediately and I'd start work immediately. That would be a total shock to my daughter. She'd go from spending most of her days with me to most of her days in a strange new place that I couldn't even fully vet. There may not even be any openings at schools for her. It's also hard with new employers because you have to accrue sick time but kids can get sick at any time. Maybe my illness will get worse too.

So I'm just wondering what anyone else thinks is a better plan? It seems I'm stuck here indefinitely. Maybe that's for the best, in case my husband wakes up one day later on and wants to fix everything and there's still a chance, but it feels like time is wasting away.

[PsySara]

Even if you can't find "the job" I would consider doing something part time where you're at for no other reason than resume building. HR folks stare long and hard at gaps in employment. What is your skill set? I am a physician but spent about 20 years working various odd jobs; as a manager at a retail store, data entry jobs through temp agencies, worked in a call center explaining claims and how they were paid over the phone, even worked holiday work at the malls. At this point you would be working to pay for childcare but it does start the process of filling in the gaps. Plus you may be able to find more steady/benefits job while in the market.

I found out the medical transcriptionist makes $12 a discharge summary (basically summarizes treatment while reading through the chart.) She does about 70 a day. Do the math. Freaking awesome, right? These are just a few things rattling through my head.

[rexgm]

All, I really wish there was more data on the long-term outcome of marriages fixed by DB methods. Yes, many of us do save our marriages in the short-term, but how many of us stay together until the end of our lives? Yes, it depends on many factors, but some people have major character flaws like cheating, addiction, etc.. or shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Some of the spouses here have done really bad things.

Nicole,

It all depends on whether or not you can truly forgive your spouse. I cant speak for all, but im sure some people DB and get success but never truly forgive their spouse and let go of the resentment. Forgiving is much easier than truly letting go of the resentment and anger. you just have to be honest with yourself. I would think DB is the easy part but at this point you are just working on yourself. Afterwards it is trying to find compromise without losing yourself in the relationship again. Honestly i dont see my relationship getting here, but im sure it can be scary as heck to trust your spouse like you did before the BD. But to me fear is just another motivator to make myself better.

[NicoleR]

I wrote a long response earlier and my computer re-started right before I sent it. Just another thing that I can't control in my life right now. Thanks for your responses Sara and Rex. I'll try to re-write the message tonight.

[Jim1234]

Nicole, I might be wrong, but it seems to me you are thinking of all the reasons not to do something, and it's paralyzing you and leaving you in limbo.

I don't think there's any wrong answers. I think need to commit to one of the options and go for it, whether it's to move back to the old city, or get a job locally doing something, anything.

[NicoleR]

I wrote another complete response yesterday and just as I was wrapping up the power went out and we lost internet connection. This forum doesn't seem to have the technology to save a draft so it was all gone again. That's bizarre to lose the same response twice! I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Sara, Rex, and Jim, thanks so much for your responses. I'll just quickly respond before something else happens - I can work-from-home as a consultant on US government projects so I'll try to find a short-term contract. My husband left two years ago and said he was sorry he returned but wasn't willing to put in effort to fix our marriage. While I believe I could forgive him and try to let go of the past if he truly wanted to change for the better and re-commit, that hasn't happened. I'm trying to practice what's in the DB book right now, and did so when he left the first time, but I guess I went wrong in not having a strategy in place after he returned the first time. Everything was tense and he kept promising to work on the marriage after he did x, y, and z but it never happened. I kept waiting, not acting like the loving wife I used to be but just waiting and doing my own thing except for approaching him every month or two to ask what he's thinking and when he could work on the marriage. Finally, Jim, yes I do feel paralyzed. It's the first time in my life when there's no option that is either realistic or good. The unrealistic ones I guess I need to drop and go with an undesirable but possible one. I have to start over again in every regard - as a single mom, with my career now that I can't travel and work 12 hour days like I used to do, with my health, financially, in a new apartment / city, etc.. I have to re-define my life but it's really hard because I have a toddler who needs to be #1. I'm hoping to define a path quickly, which leads me to a question ---->

What if I told my husband of my plans to move and the financial support that I'll need? I still think moving and getting a job in my field is the best option. I can't wait until the week before I move though to talk to him because he needs to help financially. This means he needs time to adapt his spending and save for what we need. Or, if he says no, he can't help, it's better for me to know that so I can either fight for help during the divorce process or accept that I have to stay here. Is there any reason why I can't talk to him in the next few weeks? How does that affect my otherwise practicing the LRT?

[Sotto]

Hi Nicole, I think on the financial front it is less about 'asking for help' and more about agreeing suitable financial separation terms. From what I recall he has stayed in the family home and you are renting an apartment.

When XH and I S, I walked away from the marital home - I couldn't bear to stay there alone. We also had a city flat, which XH used for work. Effectively I became homeless and I also left my job as I left the area to move back in with my parents. After a few months I asked XH for some assistance in renting an apartment and he reluctantly agreed to offer six months rental cost and then I'd need to sort myself out (charming..)

Well, I did sort myself out, but I was basically broke for 2 years whilst our D went through and the marital home and city flat were sold. I'm now financially comfortable and thankful for that. But I did let my strong desire to save the marriage impact on how robustly I dealt with him and I did suffer financially for a while. I was lucky to have my Dad in support, and he kindly helped out a little too.

So, the big message from me is - this isn't 'help' from him. This is getting a separation agreement in place, which deals with financials, custody and any other matters that need to be agreed and in place for you all...

Xx

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

I agree with Sotto, this is about your daughter as well as you. I'm sure he'd want to see her and you financially okay and you set up in a city where you'll be able to find suitable work.

I understand how anxious moving to a different city when you're unsure about your health and will have no support network for your daughter. That would be a worry. You'll need to find a support network there as soon as possible...if possible. I wish I could offer more concrete advice, only to say...if you're in a job where you're getting better pay, you'll be able to afford better childcare if you do fall ill. But also, if the financial aspects of your life were taken care of, your stress levels will reduce, and hopefully that will have a knock on effect with your health.

I hope your H will be cooperative in regards to helping you relocate. Good luck x