How to end the fighting.....

[Daystar]

So I think there might be something wrong with how I think. See I realized last night being around the WW that I am not in control of my emotions anymore. I feel bad because of how angry I have been lately about the divorce and everything. Not sure if that is normal, I know that taking care of myself and not worrying about her is the right thing to do. But it feels horrible.

Like knowing this morning will be the last time I see my oldest daughter for a long time. I know it is the right thing but still I feel pretty crummy for doing it.

Mainly I have been really angry. Really don't like being in the position that I am. Yes I could file first and end it yet some part of me still wants to save my marriage.

I feel foolish by hoping that if we stop fighting and she respects me things can be better and possibly she might even come to love me again. It is an unrealistic belief and desire. Yet it is how I feel so ya feeling pretty crummy today.

[sandi2]

In all the years of our M, my H and I have always had others in the house with us. That, alone, causes stress on a MR. But when you are having to financially support them or take physical care of them........even good MR's can break down.

I agree 100% about your grown kids! And my opinion about the BIL, is tell him he has till the end of the year to find another place to stay.......if you can stand it that long. Why on earth support an adult that's too sorry to help himself, and complains about the food you feed him?

Don't know why your W is so protective of him, but he's not your responsibility to keep.

[Daystar]

In all the years of our M, my H and I have always had others in the house with us. That, alone, causes stress on a MR. But when you are having to financially support them or take physical care of them........even good MR's can break down.

I agree 100% about your grown kids! And my opinion about the BIL, is tell him he has till the end of the year to find another place to stay.......if you can stand it that long. Why on earth support an adult that's too sorry to help himself, and complains about the food you feed him?

Don't know why your W is so protective of him, but he's not your responsibility to keep.

I am not really sure what the deal is between the two of them. By action it is almost like she would rather be married to the BIL.
Told her that once and was promptly called a drunk and an abuser.

Last night the oldest daughter was supposed to say goodbye to her siblings she she moved out. Of course she was a no show, my WW wouldn't come home because she couldn't handle it.

She wants to co-parents and be friends while living together until after her deployment. Then once she gets back she expects me to just pack up and leave the kids. Personally I want to fix the marriage, if that is not an option then I would have sole or joint custody.

I know if I did as I told by her the fighting would stop. See I want to stop fighting with her. Even doing the GAL stuff, I am starting throw up blood and still losing weight. Get the impression the stress is finally catching up to me.

My life right now is work and taking care of the children. Trying to keep the home stable and loving for my children. BIL hides in his room unless the WW in home in which case they hang out. My role model in life told me you lead by example not with words. If you want respect act in a manner that dictates respect.

I feel like less of man and a person because I miss the love that we had and shared. I know that after this I will be happy again and the kids will be alright.

[Holding]

I know if I did as I told by her the fighting would stop. See I want to stop fighting with her.

Daystar, I know how soul crushing the fighting is. But please do not give in to her just to end the fighting. Don't let her have that power over you - speaking from my own sitch it can be very hard to break this habit, but it's worth it.

Even doing the GAL stuff, I am starting throw up blood and still losing weight.

Hold on. Coughing up blood? Please see a doctor about that. I don't think that's a normal part of stress or the BD diet.

I feel like less of man and a person because I miss the love that we had and shared. I know that after this I will be happy again and the kids will be alright.

You are not less of a man or person. Caring is not weakness. I'm glad you can see a brighter future for yourself. Try to hold on to that through these rough times.

[Daystar]

Holding,
I used to have pretty bad ulcers from binge drinking when I was younger. Not coughing up blood, vomiting blood. Used to happen all the time when I was a heavy drinker. Water / Baking Soda and avoiding liquor like the plague fixed that right up.

As this thing draws on I am moving closer and closer to the person I was when she met me. I had been single for 5 years and had a room-mate just for the company. I was happy and content living that way. Do what I wanted when I wanted.

Thing is at this point in my life I don't want that life anymore. I want my marriage and my family as a single unit. What she wants and what I want are incompatible as it stands.

She told me once she resented me because being around me made her feel like she wasn't good enough. I didn't understand why should would feel that way. I think I do now.

I will be happy no matter how this mess ends. I will be okay and the kids will be happy too. There is no doubt in my mind about that. My happiness and my well being do not require her in my life and I think she is finally seeing that.

Not only that my happiness does not hinge on the approval of others or the things I have. I am happy doing the simple things watching my kids play, exploring a new park or just playing a game of pool with friends. Simple things maybe that makes it seem like I don't have goals or ambitions. I still do such as going back to school and getting a degree finally. Learning to play the guitar and some day being in a Metal band. Owning a corvette. You get the idea.

[Daystar]

Just an update went to Therapy on Wendesday, we both decided I needed to learn how to show more compassion when I am speaking to other people. Also be more understanding of there points of view.

She decided to yell at me after therapy. Didn't engage just listened for a little bit the walked away. Last night I let her sleep in the bed while I slept in the living room. Only other thing is she broke down crying this morning. She made the other car payment and was short by 100 dollars. I paid the difference since the loan is in my name too.

[sandi2]

She decided to yell at me after therapy. Didn't engage just listened for a little bit the walked away. Last night I let her sleep in the bed while I slept in the living room.

Did your therapist say it would help your ulcers? Maybe it's just me, but standing there listening to your W yell at you, is not effective action......or healthy. Why not try holding up your hand in the stop signal, and saying, "I won't stand here and be yelled to, however, I will listen if we can talk civilly". That is you stating a boundary, and if she won't honor it, then walk away.

If she won't stop yelling long enough to hear you make your statement, walk away and tell her the next day when she has calmed down.

[Daystar]

She decided to yell at me after therapy. Didn't engage just listened for a little bit the walked away. Last night I let her sleep in the bed while I slept in the living room.

Did your therapist say it would help your ulcers? Maybe it's just me, but standing there listening to your W yell at you, is not effective action......or healthy. Why not try holding up your hand in the stop signal, and saying, "I won't stand here and be yelled to, however, I will listen if we can talk civilly". That is you stating a boundary, and if she won't honor it, then walk away.

If she won't stop yelling long enough to hear you make your statement, walk away and tell her the next day when she has calmed down.

No he thinks understanding and compassion will help me communicate more efficiently with other people. I am a very blunt person so a lot of times I come across as lacking empathy or emotion. He thinks will help in how I deliver the message.

She doesn't really yell so much as go on what a horrible person I am. He suggested I listen at least once to try and understand where she is coming from.

Her calm down? Not sure she actually does that. More like bottle it up and save it for later. My therapist also wants to talk to her. She discounts therapy and hypnotherapy as a placebo and avoidance.

[Daystar]

Is it normal to get to the point where you want nothing to do with the WW? So how do you detach from the anger and resentment?

She said she would help with the chores this weekend. We ended up changing plans on Saturday and doing something together with the kids. That went really well.

The activity with the children went over budget and got told I need to leave once we got home. Been mulling this over.
My parents were divorced and miserable. My mother gave up her happiness to be a good parent. My FIL gave up his financial stability to support his children. In both cases they were willing to sacrifice their happiness for other people.

So how come when I am faced with a similar choice I choose to fight? Is it some inherent fault in me?

It is ironic that I can admit I would rather lose everything than give her what she wants. That is completely on me and has nothing to do with her.

At this point I am quite happy acting as a single parent. So another fight begins when and if she comes home tonight. Since I will just tell her to leave again that she isn't welcome in my home anymore.

How did I grow resent someone I love so very much?

[Holding]

Is it normal to get to the point where you want nothing to do with the WW?

Yes. Absolutely.

So how do you detach from the anger and resentment?

For me, it took time, and I still have anger left. I think it's just a process you need to get through. But going to IC, having people to talk to, and GAL can help move you along.

Oh, and yelling when you're alone in the car helps too

So how come when I am faced with a similar choice I choose to fight? Is it some inherent fault in me?

Fight as in "fight for your M"? Nothing wrong with trying to save your M. But sometimes we fight without understanding why. Ask yourself why your M is worth fighting for.

Don't beat yourself up over inherent faults. We all have our own faults. No one is perfect.

How did I grow resent someone I love so very much?

Deep question. The person you loved and trusted more than anyone else is rejecting you. You've watched as their heart became cold and unrecognizable. Resentment is only natural, but it's a feeling, and feelings change.