Typical WAS, doesn't want to face the fallout and repercussions of what she's done! My suggestion is not to sugarcoat it like you were in on this lovely little decision. Sure it's fine to ask for love and support, but mutual thing? No. Your job is to keep THE WAY HOME paved and smooth, not the way AWAY. Don't go filling in potholes for her.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I realize you think you have detached, but you are confused about some of it. To lovingly detach means that you don't act like a son of a b'tch. It does not mean that you try to touch her, snuggle up against her, try to sneak a little hug, or whatever. To lovingly detach is all about your attitude. You don't act cold, mad, hateful, give the silent treatment, etc. You don't do things or act in a way to punish her. But don't jump to the other end of the spectrum and think you can act all chummy and buddy-buddy with her. Staying balanced seems to be difficult for LBH's. ... Detaching is stepping away, but it's mostly an attitude. Detaching has to be in your thought pattern. If it isn't, then you have to train yourself. Stop focusing on your WW, and focus on you and your kids. From what I've read, everything has been about her, and you trying to win her back. The cases I have seen successful came when the H let go of his WW. I mean, really let her go. Can you do it? Btw, detaching does not mean you have to stop loving her.
Success seems to come when the couple have time apart. Living together under the same roof while she's sleeping with another man is not working. If you physically separated today, she would still keep the A going. It doesn't happen overnight. It takes time for her to realize her fantasy is not her reality. Her and the OM will have their time, but for how long is anyone's guess. Maybe she will get her eyes open, and maybe not. But in the meantime, you are making a new life for yourself. When you let her go and you are happy about your new life, it has more affect on her than any of these things you've tried to do to bust the D.
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
No it doesn't HAVE to be the end... I suppose I could continue to act as if I was married... keep ring on finger... not date anyone... continue to focus on myself and kids...
As to couple month S b4 D... many reasons but the most salient one is that I really think we both need to get our feet under ourselves (I know I do and will... esp with new job in new year, navigating new territory with kids, and improving communication between us).
a second one is that once the floodgates are opened... she might find out that this guy is a lot like me anxious, etc... but I know this is a fantasy in my head... I really don't believe based on how angry she is and bound and determined she is to do this (she's been planning for months prior to BD...) that this will accomplish mush on this secondary thought..
There are several other considerations... but those are the more important ones from a DB perspective...
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
Next time try validation- "do I say things that give you the impression I think that about you? How does that make you feel? I am sorry you feel that way, I will try and work on that." ... Don't intervene like that unless she asks you. Read Sandi's post and try to understand, your W does not like you right now, she may even hate you and find you repulsive. She doesn't want your help. One of the most hurtful things I found out after BD was I snooped and saw a note my XW had written to a friend that her "biggest fear" was getting sick and me having to take care of her. She said that she hated the very thought of it. I mean what a blow to the stomach that the woman that loved you so much not too long ago now can't stand the sight of you, but this is your reality now just as it is/ was for most of us here. It will eventually change, but not anytime soon. So quit trying to help her unless she specifically asks.
Following that - she wants to be divorced, so start moving towards that sort of life. The key thing to focus on is that you are going to need to be in survival mode for the next while. Think about what sort of future you envision as a single dad and work towards this. A key thing though - and this will be tough - is that you need to be the "sane parent". The one that the kids can count on. It sounds like your W is "allowing" you to pick up a lot of the parenting load. Document document document. It may be important when talking about custody. Expect her to be neglectful as she moves in to her new "happily ever yadda yadda". If you want examples, check out Gordie's thread. He's doing an amazing job of being the sane parent there.
Finally - I'd like you to take a good honest look at four things.
Firstly yourself. Do you like the "man in the mirror"? You're stuck with him so he'd better be someone you like.
Secondly your wife. Take off those rose coloured glasses. Mine were pretty firmly attached I know. Consider objectively who she is and importantly who she "was". For many people in this mess a lot of what comes out are things that were buried for years that were part of their family of origin such as my own STBX's selfishness.
Thirdly your role as a father. You're going to have to do 50% of the parenting on your own for a while. Are you up to it?
Finally your marriage. You've pointed out a number of places where you perhaps were not the best partner your wife could have had. Whether that was responsible for her dashing off with OM or not is immaterial now. That horse has left the barn. Being super-husband and wonder-dad isn't going to fix that and make her reconsider. But for any new relationship, including a possible one with your current wife, how do you see that working? If you dig through the archives you will read that after a marriage is so broken that one of the partners needs to leave that any new relationship has to be treated as just that and not a continuation of the old one.
Detaching is stepping away, but it's mostly an attitude. Detaching has to be in your thought pattern. If it isn't, then you have to train yourself. Stop focusing on your WW, and focus on you and your kids. From what I've read, everything has been about her, and you trying to win her back. The cases I have seen successful came when the H let go of his WW. I mean, really let her go. Can you do it? Btw, detaching does not mean you have to stop loving her.
Quote:
Originally Posted By: Mercury but don't know what to expect... other than a lot of alone time every other week...
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
Why do you have to be alone? Take some time to 'date yourself'...to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Join some groups, learn some new hobbies, read some books, etc. LIVE YOUR LIFE! If youre doing it right, youll be so tired when you get home, it wont even matter that she isnt there.
Originally Posted By: Maximus
GAL & Detaching as has been said is a frame of mind, an attitude. It is not doing the dishes, salsa dancing, having a few beers, etc. It is the reason behind these actions.
The opposite is loving someone. It is not buying flowers, chocolates, pda but the feeling behind those actions. The driving force.
Everything you do is centred around what she may or may not think or act. Your wife is going to leave you physically. She has done so emotionally. She is having sex repeatedly with another man and probably even like in the movies. The hot sweaty type. Yet I still get the feeling this has not really sunk in what it all means.
How much further away does she have to go for you understand the reality of your situation and where you really fit in her life?
How can you still trust anything she says regarding feelings, finances, etc. All agreements whether written or emotional have small print. The problem is we tend to overlook them until problems start. Right now you should start reading it and covering your back otherwise I can see you in a few months time complaining what she did, how she lied to you, how you never thought, bla bla bla.
You also keep on about how bad you were and how it was the cause of the breakdown. You told her, apologized so now shelve it.
Driving her away was maybe your doing but into someone else's bed was of her own 2 feet. That's on her. And just to be clear, I would not hide from anyone the reality. Dont turn it into a drama but dot the I's. She's leaving you for someone else. Don't try and get sympathy just project that you are passed it, accepted it and dealing with the consequences this change will bring.
Your posts are also splattered with insignificant battles or not even that, skirmishes where she said A and you said B bla bla. Dont waste time on them. Dont second guest her reasons, actions or respond to her provocations. I also found that sometimes I p1ssed my W more when I walked away instead of retaliating.
In short you really have to focus more on yourself, your wishes, the reality and building yourself up into a stronger mental state than being reactive to everything she says or does. Pick and choose your battles if you need to. Keep her off her guard by being unpredictable so that at least you can have some peace and not have her affect you everytime she has a depressive attack, feels angry or unsure and needs to attack someone. If she is planning to leave you for Mr. B then let him deal with her issues. After all he is now the person in her heart, not you.
Oh and for crying out loud stop with those hugs and hands on the shoulder. If you were doing correct DB you would know why.
Emotionally you cannot compete with Mr. B, he is where you once were so he needs to be out before you can try to get back in. Your tactics are wrong and you have to dig in for a trench warfare like relationship before things will get better.
No it doesn't HAVE to be the end... I suppose I could continue to act as if I was married... keep ring on finger... not date anyone... continue to focus on myself and kids...
This is about you. What do you want? What does the ring mean to you? What does divorce mean to you?
Im just curious why you are placing such an emphasis on adding in a separation step or why you are so scared of divorce happening quickly.
Originally Posted By: Hermes
the most salient one is that I really think we both need to get our feet under ourselves
a second one is that she might find out that this guy is a lot like me anxious, etc...
Im asking about YOU. Why do YOU want to have a separation?
In my reading of what you are writing, you basically just want that legal string tying her to you as long as possible.
Hve you ever thought that maybe that string tying you to her is what is keeping her from considering R and is driving her away? She is fighting so hard to lose the string, that it doesnt matter what you do as long as it's still there? That pressure you are continuously applying is only making her want to run faster.
Imagine walking along and something grabs your leg. What do you do? Try to shake it off! Imagine if it clings harder and tighter...the natural response is to SHAKE HARDER. To me, you pushing for a trial separation is just that - clinging tighter.
Well as for the parents they are going to ask questions... however stating that you both want the divorce will relieve some of the pressure off of her during this talk. Doesnt mean you cant comeback and state your position to the parents at a later time.
As for the kids the only we statement i think you have a problem with is the divorce, because you cant disagree that you didnt have problems, you dont both love the kids, and it isnt their fault.
As for helping her move out, put your feelings and previous relationship aside, and help her in a way that you comfortable with. i.e. what would you do for a friend that was a girl, that you were not trying to get into their pants. Dont help her setup her new place, let her do that. She will like the freedom and will give her a taste of how it will be without you there. I would also do no contact after that. let her come to you, show her that you dont need her and will be fine without her. You have kids so there will be contact but keep it to the kids or whatever she brings up only. Make her wonder whats going through your head instead of the other way around.
As for the alone time, use it to improve yourself, for you not her. You have to put you on a pedestal now. do whats in the best interests for you, to become healthy mentally again. And it wont be easy, if it was nobody would be here.
Originally Posted By: rexgm
would say at this point make sure your protect yourself and forget about reconciliation. Make sure you get as much time as you can with your kids and fight for as much time as you can in the divorce proceedings. They will be the ones that will need you to be there for them. During this multi yr affair, she had what she wanted her AP and you. You need to remove one and the only one you can control is yourself so remove yourself. If she comes back great, if she doesnt then you are better off. No matter what you will have to let her affair play out, because she wont leave until it does.
It is scary to invest so much time in a relationship to only be placed back on the market unwillingly. You have to learn from it and realize you are better than how you are being treated and move on.
How you act now will determine how your kids will act in the future if they are placed in the same situation. How would you want your child to act if their future spouse had been cheating on them for yrs...
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
All of your posts are focused on WW. Nothing will happen until you detach.
What does that mean?
Imagine you are on a water-ski following a speed boat. You are going wherever that speed boat goes. Deep water, towards the rocks, fast or slow. Wherever that boat goes you follow. At the moment that boat is driven by a crazy woman, your WW. And you are following analysing every move and adjusting your balance and technique to influence.
You can't track like this. Truly healing growth and attraction won't work until you detach and move into observer mode.
You have every right to analyse as you do, act as you are and fight for your M in every way you can. Rather than run around, stand and observe. It's called standing for a reason, not called running around or chasing or appeasing or pursuing.
Pursuing just means that your skis also have power.
Simply don't, you can't pursue a WW back, or talk her back or be inconsistent. Consistency isn't behaving one way this month and another next. It's month upon month of standing and detaching.
Just at this time your WW is calling the shots, as part of detaching get legal advice, your kids need you more than ever as the consistent solid force in their lives.
Do not leave your home the MBR. Stay put. You are not the wayward.
My thoughts
V
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
What do you want? Who are you?
All of your posts are focused on WW. Nothing will happen until you detach.
What does that mean?
Imagine you are on a water-ski following a speed boat. You are going wherever that speed boat goes. Deep water, towards the rocks, fast or slow. Wherever that boat goes you follow. At the moment that boat is driven by a crazy woman, your WW. And you are following analysing every move and adjusting your balance and technique to influence.
You can't track like this. Truly healing growth and attraction won't work until you detach and move into observer mode.
You have every right to analyse as you do, act as you are and fight for your M in every way you can. Rather than run around, stand and observe. It's called standing for a reason, not called running around or chasing or appeasing or pursuing.
Pursuing just means that your skis also have power.
Simply don't, you can't pursue a WW back, or talk her back or be inconsistent. Consistency isn't behaving one way this month and another next. It's month upon month of standing and detaching.
Just at this time your WW is calling the shots, as part of detaching get legal advice, your kids need you more than ever as the consistent solid force in their lives.
Do not leave your home the MBR. Stay put. You are not the wayward.
My thoughts
V _______________
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Standing is looking after you first and your children. It is not following her every action. It is stillness, a pool of calmy.
It is standing firm, making your decisions and standing by them, like the lighthouse in a storm keeps its beaconot lit.
It is saying " this is what I am going to do and doing it" irrespective of the reaction.
It is strong.
It is consistent.
It is living your life dealing with your stuff without interfering in hers.
It is setting boundaries you can enforce and enforcing them.
It is getting off that water ski.
It is putting you and your children first, last and in the middle.
It is being open and telling the truth, dealing with your feelings and hurts. It is telling those who love you and are concerned, who can give you support that your WW is having an affair with this particular OM and you are hurt. It is telling her that if asked you won't lie. I am of the view there is no value in outing an R, but there is no value in lying or hiding either.
It is not appeasing WW and protecting your children from her mad unpleasant and awful behaviour. I have no sympathy for waywards at all, not one jot of any human milk of kindness. Your children are living with this madness and it's time to stand and be the rock.
Children are the most important thing in your sitch, your precious children need you standing and solid.
V
_________________________ Me 63 xH 61: T 5 M 1.5: BD x3, S 6-14: D 5-16 then lunacy, next hearing 3-18
Age is just a number
[/quote]
Me 47 STBXW 44 M ~20 D13 S15 BD mid 17 A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr OM decade older S Imminent D Soon after
