Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[AnotherStander]

It's hard to imagine that my kids wouldn't want mom home and/or us back together.

Short of physical abuse or something traumatic like that, kids do pretty much always want their parents to recon, even if it's been many years since they split up, and even if the kids are adults.

I also wonder if my kids think I'm an idiot for wanting W back.

I seriously doubt it. It's a noble thing to want to keep your family together and your kids will admire and respect you for it.

Clearly now that the OM is on the scene, they see mom in a different light. The kids aren't talking and I'm not asking.

You might ask each of them individually if they have anything they'd like to ask or discuss. They may not be talking because they don't know how to broach the subject, or they're afraid it might hurt you or make you angry.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for you post. For the record, I'm not going to discuss my "change" with the kids. I'm simply going to implement it. No family meals, etc. It will be easier, no grand announcement, no risk of back tracking if something comes up etc. I also don't want to drag out the whole OM thing. They know how I feel, they know the values I have, etc. I also don't want to fuel the "I'm punishing her fire"

I won't be filing despite her actions. It does not sit well with me. As JimKao says - Her circus, her monkeys.

Yes, any reconciliation would take lots of therapy for everyone.

Again, I would like to know what my kids think of their mom. Partially for the self righteous self but mostly for fact how they feel and what the costs are. For all I know, they blame me as W does.

I've gotten 0 answers when I asked my sons about how they feel. Lots of shoulder shrugging and it's OK. I do feel a little needy when I ask, so it's better not to ask.

Again, if they don't want her back - I'd like to find out.

Any ideas on how to ask the question without it being out of left field? We don't talk about her at all.

[bigybiz]

Another Stander:

Thanks for your post.

Well 26 months since bomb drop and W still says she is terrified of me. So she would believe that abuse is prevalent.

Nobility is one thing - Being delusional is another. Again, I can't worry about what my children think. On the other hand, if they believe, my obsession with reconciliation is hurting them - that's bad news. Again, I don't know.

I try to engage the kids in "feelings" talk. I try also try and incorporate it when talking about morals, values, etc.

S17 had his first girl friend this past year, It was a good opportunity to talk about relationships. No bites.

When the OM became news, I had a frank "sermon" with my sons about the morals and values that I hold and why I think they are good for them too. Again, good opportunity to talk about why premarital and extramarital sex is bad. Remember, D21 was conceived while W was separated from MR #1. So I'm happy to demonstrate/share. Don't be like me. Again, little conversation about their feelings.

D21 - wouldn't give up much. She told me that W likes this guy because he is in W professional field, new friend group, etc. And the obvious that OM and I are total opposites.

S 17 did say that he did not see it lasting. Granted he also told me that I'm too old to get remarried.

I'd love to hear about other people's experience - who would be a good person to ask 25mlc? Georgia Bulldog, Tex Hubby?

[sandi2]

Biggy, your children are not your WW. Where as you don't explain or make grand announcements to your WW.......children in split homes often need explanations about what or why things have taken a turn in their lives. No sermons, however. If S11 does not know your intentions, then he might invite his mom over to share in a family activity. Then if he senses your frustration, he could turn it inward. But that's just MHO.

I am confused about what you are wanting here. You wanted to know if you should talk to the kids about not having Saturday morning breakfast with mom at the house. Then you wanted to know how they might feel toward her being there (and I thought you meant being there for family activities....and I responded to it). Then you clarified to how they would feel about the two of you getting back together.

After I suggested that the only way you would really know is to actually talk with you children and give them an opportunity to express their personal feelings......you responded by saying there would be no discussions about the change, and no grand announcements.

So, I am going to try to bow out of any further comments on this particular subject. I'm not upset or anything, but I feel we aren't connecting and I don't want you to misunderstand anything else I may say about it. As for as "experience", I will tell you that I have known of cases where children grew up not knowing the truth and had to assume something else. All b\c their parents thought the kids "just knew" and nobody discussed it.

Anyway, I hope you will make the right decision for yourself and the kids. ((Hugs))

[bigybiz]

Sandi2

Please don't bow out. I need your insights and I do apply your advice. I wouldn't have made it this far without you and so many others. I know I've been at this a while, I'm still a slow learner. You bring things to my attention that I would not have considered e.g. S11 inviting mom to the house. I would not have thought about that.

I have a difficult time getting my children to talk to me about what they are feeling/witnessing etc. I will continue to strive to find the right balance. I have a hard time getting my sons to talk to me about school, friends, etc. I get lots of "I don't know" from S11 and "It's fine" from S17.

I'm going to reread your post above again and again. I would ask that you stick with me.

[sandi2]

I'm not saying I'm done! I just think on this particular subject I'm not connecting well.

[AnotherStander]

Nobility is one thing - Being delusional is another.

Hope is yours for as long as you want it. It's purely up to you how long you want to stand. I would say it's noble and not delusional, unless I come by your house and you have an altar with candles burning under pictures of your W. Then we need to talk

I try to engage the kids in "feelings" talk. I try also try and incorporate it when talking about morals, values, etc.

And it sounds like from your other comments that they're throwing the brick wall up. And hey, that's OK. A lot of kids feel weird talking to their parents about that. Maybe you should try to get them into counseling?

I'd love to hear about other people's experience - who would be a good person to ask 25mlc? Georgia Bulldog, Tex Hubby?

Experience in what, piecing, reconciling or divorcing? Because the examples you mention are 3 distinctly different experiences! And mine is different than theirs. There are many different paths to success, reconciling is always great to hear about but there are plenty of other paths as well.

[bigybiz]

Anotherstander:

Not to worry there's no shrine!! In fact its the opposite. Slowly W's imprint on our home is disappearing. My DB coach told me to expect to work 1 month for every year married then the results may/will start. I'm getting to 70% marker.

I'm confident my children know my beliefs and the see the hard work I'm doing on myself and on their behalf. Still I wonder if they think I'm a chump. W has given the indication that she has moved on.

We did some family therapy after W moved out. The Dr helped us set up some ground rules, then said we don't really need to come back unless there is a problem. I suppose I could ask the Dr if it's worth us coming back? Aside from some minor behavioral flare ups with S11. We are a happy home.

I'll continue to look for opportunities to engage them in conversation, without making it look like I'm drudging up issues that they don't want to hear about.

Currently, I'm most interested from finding out from others strategies and tactics that I could apply that would help me talk, engage my children and find out how they are doing and what they are feeling. I'm sure W is not doing that.

[bigybiz]

In an effort to get my kids to open up I hosted my first "Ask Me Anything". I was hoping if they asked me candid questions that would create some dialogue.

I'll call it a win. D21 asked me about my childhood schools, etc.

S17 asked me about which countries I've visited, where would I like to travel too, etc. Even 3 hours later he was asking me about dream cars etc.

It was a start.

[bigybiz]

Help needed: I'm going to tell my kids D21, S17, S11 that W has OM in her life now and so it does not make sense for her to hang with us. I need to put up a firmer boundary. How do I say this without making it sound like I'm punishing her. I need to say that it's clear that W is not interested in restoring our family so we will need to stop acting like one.

Any ideas?

Thanks