Husband gone for second time - new here

[NicoleR]

CW, I'm glad you're hanging in there. It's also good to see a new IC. Sometimes a new perspective is helpful, especially since time has passed in your case and there is now an opportunity to reflect back on everything. Yes I guess most of us have bumps along the way. I'll check your thread for any new updates.

All, I'll try to focus on the last resort technique as noted above. You may wonder why I'd try at all with such a neglectful husband, but for a good six or seven years since we first met we were inseparable and he seemed like a great husband. Our story is unique because we met in a war zone. He was a local. I was an expatriate. Some of what happened with him I attributed to his history but after reading all of your stories I see he's not all that different than other spouses who leave.

It's worth pointing out there are things I did wrong. I was oftentimes too emotional and anxious when discussing problems with my husband which made him uncomfortable and over time I believe he started to avoid talking because I'd end up in tears and he'd end up frustrated. I also shouldn't have let my husband return after the first time he left and allow him to say "let me do x, y, and z and then we'll work on our marriage." I should have demanded that we work on it first before he returns and been firm about that. Letting things slide for so long just kept me in a state of misery and gave him the convenience of someone cooking, cleaning, and taking care of everything while he avoided doing anything. My husband also complained that I made sarcastic comments sometimes which is true. Out of frustration and sadness sometimes I'd say things like 'it's nice to see you pass by' which annoyed him and weren't helpful on my part. I wish I'd done things differently.

The psychologist said my husband only said good things about me when they met and accepted blame for what he did wrong. That's where it ends. My husband has no interest in working on his own problems so I'll work on the LRT and will keep you all posted. Thanks again for everyone's input. I really appreciate it!

[Sotto]

Hi Nicole, I just wanted to second the suggestions above for yoga and meditation. I joined a yoga class a couple of years ago and I love it. If you can find a really good teacher - we have British Wheel of Yoga in the UK - it can be so beneficial.

I have also found the calm.com app to be helpful. Soon after BD I kept reading about Headspace and I tried and liked it, then I purchased it. But I regretted that purchase and I just found the meditations boring. I far prefer the Calm.com ones and after using the free samples for a month or so, I just treated myself to the subscription.

These two things have helped me a great deal and they are 'old friends' that I rely on during times of stress.

Hope this helps a little, anyway & take care. Xx

[NicoleR]

Sotto,

Thanks so much. Yoga seemed to make the pain I have in my stomach worse the last time I tried it a few weeks ago, but I'll try again and see if there's a way to modify any of the moves. I have a number of yoga dvd's that I used to use and I benefitted from them and miss them. Going to a class right now is difficult but when it becomes realistic and if my health improves I'll try again. It's good to hear you love your class. That's really great you've been doing it for years now!

I'll try the calm.com app. I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

[NicoleR]

There is a slight update. My husband had a long weekend off from work. Normally he works six days per week. He still didn't do anything extra with our daughter. He still brought her back early on his night to take her. But two nights ago he sent a late text saying "I'm so sorry for everything." Yesterday he called multiple times for different reasons. In the evening he asked if he could come to use the internet (his got cut off temporarily due to a construction accident in the lot next to him). I said yes he could come but we'd be going to sleep soon. He didn't come, but he called again and texted again asking if we were still awake. He sounded depressed.

It's hard to know what that means. Perhaps he realized being alone isn't as great as he thought. Perhaps he realizes he's been a bad father. Maybe he just feels sorry for himself. Who knows. But after months of not having a care in the world about us, and being annoyed by almost everything related to our daughter and I, he seems to be thinking about something.

My husband is supposed to take our daughter again tonight. I'd like to try something different....either cut down his days visiting our daughter to reduce overall contact (and since he doesn't do much with her anyway) or ask if he'd attend a joint counseling session to work on communicating better regarding our daughter.

The one thing that I'm sure needs to change are my husband's visits with our daughter. She doesn't like to go out with my husband and runs to me and holds on tight when he comes to take her out. I don't want to force her to go when my husband already doesn't want to take her. He doesn't even smile or hug her when he arrives so it's no surprise she doesn't want to go.

Any suggestions? In any case I'll keep proceeding with the last resort technique.

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole,

I wouldn't read anything into the texts (easier said than done, I know) as they blow hot and cold, east and west, back to front and all over the place lol.

My H sent me some long winded texts last week, I got sucked back in to replying...luckily I stuck to finance and Christmas stuff, but still...
Anyway, he hasn't replied to my last text regarding an arrears letter, so I definitely should know better.

Regarding your daughter, I think it's an excellent idea your H goes to IC to learn how to form a better bond with her. But I personally think you should be careful how you suggest it. I don't know, and am hoping someone else can offer some advice.
My H knows he has some work to do bonding with the children but when I brought up IC for him, he got defensive and said if and when he went to IC, it would be his decision only. Since then I've completely dropped the rope on that issue and also told him I don't want to be the go between on any issues with the children.

I know it could be awkward but for your daughters sake, could your H have his visits with your D at your home? Maybe she would feel more comfortable that way.

Is your H suffering from depression do you think or has he always not smiled and hugged your D? She's young and feeling uncomfortable so you do need to talk to H about this and the effect it has on her. But I would broach it in gentle enquiry rather than accusation. Tell him how you believe she feels, but be prepared for him to deny any knowledge of what your talking about.

Do you see an IC? Could you ask their advice on this issue and how best to broach it with your H.

[NicoleR]

Caz,,

Yes, the texts may reflect a momentary feeling that passes (like "I really am a bad father") and then the next day it's back to the same behavior and thought pattern.

I did actually have my husband stay here at our apartment with our daughter last night and I left to go out. It was much better. She didn't have that fear of wondering where she was going to go and my husband didn't have to 'waste' his time driving around. She could play with her toys and eat the food that I prepared for her. When I returned my husband said it was much better, so at least for now I guess we'll continue with him coming and me leaving.

As my husband left he looked at me, which he doesn't normally do, and had a very guilty look on his face. It's hard to describe. I feel he had some kind of revelation recently. That doesn't necessarily mean he wants to fix the marriage but maybe he at least has some regret.

I didn't mention counseling to my husband last night but I still plan to do so. He called late last night again. I was semi-awake and I saw that he called, but I decided not to call him back. I figured it's best to not be too available and to give him more of a chance to think.

I don't know about other people's spouses here but mine gets very stressed by his job and everyday things like traffic and waiting in lines at the store. He spends most of his days stressed, semi-angry, and in a rush but after about 10:00 PM he seems to relax but then can't sleep. The psychologist said he doesn't think my husband is depressed but I do think there's something wrong.

I see both an IC and a psychologist although I haven't been to the psychologist for a few weeks now. The psychologist has tried reaching out to my husband to get him to come back to discuss his role as a father but my husband hasn't responded. I'll try to find a way to suggest it again this week.

[Caz49]

It sounds more like anxiety than depression which can be just as debilitating and everything can seem overwhelming. Maybe ask your H to see a Dr regarding how he struggles/copes with everyday life.

I'm glad you may have hit on a system that works regarding your D and H time...it's not fair you have to leave, but maybe if H feels less overwhelmed with the situation he will find chilling out with D more fun and less of a job. Frustrating I know, after all he's put you through that you have to bend over backwards to accommodate him, but MWD does say it takes one to improve things from their side, and someone has to be the one to do it. And it's for your D at the end of the day.

And good job not calling H back late at night. If he does really want to talk, he'll try again...and it will be when you want to talk too.

Maybe your H is noticing any changes you've made and thats a good thing. I hope he carries on seeing those changes and realises some of the mistakes he's made. Here's hoping!
But keep your chin up Nicole, you're doing great!

[Jim1234]

Be careful about reading things into him "looking at" you, and other things. Yes, it could mean, he's having second thoughts, but it could be that the burrito he had for lunch is giving him momentary indigestion.... I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

As far as him seeing a therapist, bring it up, but don't push it.

Also, I don't believe it's unusual for the children to be clingy, but as soon as you are out of sight, you are out of their minds, and they're fine with the other parent.

That said, if he sees spending time with your daughter as a "job", rather than a special, wonderful time, then he's an a$$, and no amount of counselling is going to fix that.

[kml]

I did actually have my husband stay here at our apartment with our daughter last night and I left to go out. It was much better. She didn't have that fear of wondering where she was going to go and my husband didn't have to 'waste' his time driving around. She could play with her toys and eat the food that I prepared for her. When I returned my husband said it was much better, so at least for now I guess we'll continue with him coming and me leaving.

Ok - so - here's an opportunity for you.
You see - the WAS so often wants to think you are just sitting there, waiting for them patiently, their safe "Plan B" in case their new life/new OP doesn't work out.
You don't want to date while you're hoping to reconcile - because you don't want to do anything that they can point to and say in reconciliation "well, you cheated too so it's just the same " (when it's NOT).

BUT - it's ok to make them THINK you MIGHT be dating, because sometimes that lights a fire under them to reconcile if they begin to realize some other man could snatch you up.

So - here's what you do:
Have H watch her at your house.
When he arrives, be dressed up like you would be to go out on a date - perfume, earrings, looking good.
If he asks where you're going, just say "Out with a friend" "No, you don't know them" or "Dancing with the girls"
Then just go do whatever you were going to do - or if you have nothing to do, go to a coffee shop and read a book or go to a movie by yourself. Just be gone from the house looking like you could be going out somewhere.

Chances are good he'll be wondering where you are and with whom. This can be a good thing, and better than him finally regretting things once you actually HAVED moved on.

Also, after a couple of times, when he arrives have a dozen roses in a vase. If he asks, they're from a "friend".

[PsySara]

Nicole,
I want to ditto what kml said. Make sure you remain mysterious and hawt! Also, I think the plan of havnig H over to spend quality time with DD is an excellent idea. The goal is to facilitate his relationship with his daughter regardless if it's conventional or not. This builds positive memories with his daughter, allows him to build confidence solo parenting and to associate positive feelings with his child. It's win/win.

Be very careful about suggesting/hinting/advising about IC or any counseling of any sort. Some people just aren't into therapy. My WH is case in point, I dragged him to 2 counselors, to Retrouvialle, had him watch videos on reconciliation. All resulted in burning heaps of failure with a HUGE regression back to his cold and angry shell. Finally I returned to what worked, DBing with joy, detachment and gentleness. He is blossoming under this right now. The WAS does not want any suggestion or hint of agenda, which in my case was reconciliation at any cost. That was a mistake.

So now I am moving forward without any expectations and I am shocked at the consistent turnaround I am seeing in WH. So keep doing what works and strive towards the goal of loving detachment. A lot of vets here can be very strident that there is only one way when the fact is, DBing is about finding the formula to each situation that works and throwing out what doesn't work.